Grieving my marriahe

Just so you know, there is nothing wrong with growing up on a farm. There is nothing wrong with learning to drive an old truck around the farm either. That actually became popular and they call it off road trucking.

There is nothing wrong with learning how to fix up vehicles and keep them running. Nothing wrong with getting up early and helping to get things done on the farm. There is nothing wrong with knowing how to fix your vehicles instead of paying expensive fees for someone else to do it. With what you save you can pay on a mortgage instead of renting and paying someone else’s mortgage and letting someone else build up equity.

Thank you. I don't mean to sound self deprecating when I say those things, it's more about my mindset I guess. I'm comfortable working hard. Anything that has come up in our home or with a vehicle I just assumed it was up to me to figure out how to fix it.

My wife has gotten angry for how long it's taken me to fix something, gotten angry at me for time and money spent on my "hobbies" of fixing the house or cars, told me my only contributions to our home couldn't just be in the garage (though I was also the only income, and making all meals and doing laundry).

Anything that came up, I just assumed it was up to me to figure it out and stay afloat.

It's strange. If you grow up on a farm, in a home with sporadic binge drinking, you become used to being in over your head and just trying to keep things together.

I simultaneously have wanted to be rescued, wanted someone to take my responsibilities away from me, and also just assumed it was always up to me to solve whatever came up.

It's a strange combination. It's like you're doing all these different things and feeling totally overwhelmed and incompetent the whole time.

RDM

When you have to do more to make up for a drug addicted/ alcoholic parent or spouse it means what you did was never appreciated properly. This is typical of what happens when dealing with an alcoholic. It’s a very narcissistic self absorbed individual. And they do all kinds of things to conceal the fact that they have a problem. And, they can get mean and at times very entitled and blame others.

It’s terrible when someone acts like a total jerk and doesn’t even remember the next day how badly they behaved.

Alcoholics don’t like me because I KNOW what they are and will call them out on it. Their story revolves around their drinking.

“I didn’t drink last night” is only a big deal to an ALCOHOLIC.

People who don’t have the problem would never think to even say they did not drink. If it’s mentioned at all THERE IS A PROBLEM

I was drinking and ended up saying this
I. Had some drinks and got weak
I drank too much and we had a fight and I blacked out and can’t remember. I will have to ask my friends what happened.
I went to the hangout with a friend and wanted to go flirt and my friend got mad.
My S/O brings up my drinking. Nothing wrong with me so what.

It never ceases to amaze me how people fail to see THE CLEAR RED FLAGS. Not to mention the constant DRAMA and different moods.

RDMercer I read this thread from the beginning and I still don't know what to say to you. I'm no one to give you advice or fault find with your decisions. I truly wish I had something to offer you. I'm sorry you're in such pain and confusion. I have to admit this all confuses me . I wish you clarity in your decision making and future happiness.

Your sons don’t want to be around your wife, they don’t want to go in a car with her. They should not have to be subjected to her unbalanced, unpredictible moods and behaviors. They are looking to you for guidance. The three of you need to get support to help you with this.

@calla lily

Thanks for taking the time and reading this.

This has all been so terribly hard.

Me and the kids are home for now, until family court says we have to sell the house and divide assets.

Everyone is hurting, but the days are pretty normal. There's no drama, no tension, no crazy hours. We just go to work and school and make meals and do homework.

My wife was a good partner at one time. To tell people some of the stuff that's happened in recent years sounds crazy.

I love her. I miss her, but the old her from way back.

This really sucks right now.

Talking on here is better than texting her or talking to the kids though.

I wonder if you are trauma bonded to your wife. You could be. A trauma bond forms between the abuser and their victim, and the victim is the one who suffers from the trauma bond. It's very hard to break and is akin to breaking an addiction, which is what I've read on the subject.

Maybe read up on the trauma bond. Codependency is also a large part of it, for you - wanting to save your wife and marriage, even if it's at your own expense.

I know I am trauma bonded to my abusive husband, and I am having great difficulty breaking the addiction. I want him to consistently be the loving, supportive and affectionate man I sometimes see in him. And right now, he's being that person, making it easier for me to forget all the bad things.

I've read that victims of abuse want the normalcy back SO badly, that they will adopt abuse amnesia - forgetting all the bad things that person has done and remembering and holding onto only the good things.

Thing is, your wife hasn't been a loving person for a very long time. The woman you met and fell in love with is long gone. You're holding onto someone she was in the beginning, but not who she is now or who she has been over recent years.

It's a very confusing process, so I understand your conflicting emotions.

And it's not so black and white. People who have never been in an abusive relationship or marriage have trouble understanding how hard it really is to break free.

Do you know that statistically, it takes people an average of 7 times to finally leave an abuser? SEVEN TIMES!

I've left 3 times. And right now, my husband is doing his very best to lure me back.

Go easy on yourself with this process. It's NOT easy.

When you stare reality in the face though, head on, and accept that she is not the woman you initially married and that those good times have been LONG GONE, it's a little easier to swallow.

Keep yourself grounded in reality vs fantasy of who she used to be.

You long for the fantasy and the mirage of someone who is capable of giving you all the love, support, affection, and parental/domestic assistance that you want and need.

When you look at the stark difference between what you really want in a partner, and what your wife has actually provided, it is eye opening.

Don't ever forget all the bad things that have brought you to this point in the relationship. Don't adopt abuse amnesia, clouding your perception. Stay grounded in reality. It helps. It's very sobering, yes, and very disappointing, yes, to say the least. And of course, it's heartbreaking.

But, this is a relationship that will never be healthy, and which will only bring you further turmoil, misery, upset, and negativity in your household. It just cannot be sustained any longer.

Same with my own marriage.

It’s very important you listen to your two sons. While you mourn and long for the woman you thought she was, they are generally afraid of their mother and need you to hear them and see the reality of what is.

@Have Hope and @Open Eyes

Hope. I think it was you who first introduced me to codependency and trauma bonding. You're right, it's like an addiction.

Thank you both

I spoke to my wife tonight, in person and over text.

It's like there's nothing left there that I recognize.

I'm to blame for her relationships with the kids, I'm to blame because the youngest asked me to drive to meet mom and not be in the car on the highway with her, Im to blame because she's not seeing the kids more despite the kid being right there at the time saying, "I don't want to see you, Dad's saying I should," and just threats the whole time about taking the house from me.

RDMercer

Sounds like you are finally experiencing the real person in your wife.

I really think you need to have a way to record these conversations. Save the texts. Your sons should save their conversations too. Your wife has no right to bully you or harass you.

I’m sorry, I went through this with my older sister the last years of my parents lives. Actually I had a conversation about you with my husband who has been sober for 32 years and is very active in AA helping other alcoholics get sober. My husband reminded me of how my sister drank a lot and how he felt she was either still drinking or was a dry drunk.

People can have a very selfish cruel side to them that can come out in shocking ways.

I’m sorry, you are going to have to learn how to set up boundaries. I think if you can ask the friend you have that’s was a family lawyer if there is a way your sons have rights where they don’t have to stay with her. You don’t want them traumatized.

Maybe you his friend that practiced family law can lead you to some resources that can help you that don’t cost money.

Yes, I, too, have been codependent in my life, so I can understand how it works.

And trauma bonding is an addiction. When you read up on it, you will learn that in fact, your brain chemistry changes through the cycles of abuse, and you desire the highs of the good times so badly that you forget all the bad things.

I say "you" here in the general sense of you - meaning us, and those of us who have suffered abuse.

Education HELPS, I can tell you that. When you're stuck in the emotional pull towards your significant other, those emotions can be SO powerful and strong that they can overpower all reason and logic - exactly how addiction works. It overpowers a person, and all logic and reason go out the window.

Education on codependency, abusive relationships and the trauma bond can really help you to detach, be much more grounded in reality and also loosen the addiction that has a hold on you. I watch helpful and educational YouTube videos on the subject and they help to strengthen my resolve.

And, my husband right now is fighting the divorce with all of his efforts - he is being sweet and kind and the "good guy" I initially loved. BUT, I know from friends and family who have observed me that I am in fact, better off without him. They tell me I seem happier, lighter, full of life again and more like my normal self. When I was with him, in contrast, I was deadened, not myself, stressed, overburdened and I got lost. I lost who I was because it was always always about HIM. I catered to his every need & lost myself as a result. The people closest to me say I seem much more full of life now.

So, keep holding onto the fact that your life is much more peaceful without her presence. And that the boys are happier. I bet you, yourself, are in fact happier, when you really reflect on it.

I suggest further educating yourself and using resources to help strengthen your logical brain functioning and to loosen the addiction to the good times.

It’s very confusing when dealing with a person that is prone to addiction. Your wife used alcohol daily to help her function. Then she found these women who have skewed this me too mindset to a point where every guy is a bad guy and “ we are the victim”. So this mindset becomes another addiction where your wife spends time being fed anger and she begins using this anger not only towards you but also her two sons. Yet, she is also continuing to consume alcohol but may be binging instead of drinking through the day.

When you grow up with an alcoholic parent the disease becomes normalized where you accept it as part of your environment you ignore and this happens a lot sadly. Society had actually normalized alcohol consumption to a point where alcoholism was rampid and people were able to deny they had a problem.

Part of your feeling uncomfortable talking about what your wife behaves like comes from very early conditioning that is put in place when a parent is an alcoholic. Your being used to making up for it by cooking and cleaning and paying the bills comes from having to do that growing up.

Now a person can sit and watch YouTube and access information and support online. This is all fairly new, I did not have any of this when I was young. It’s important to take time and learn about what alcoholism really is. You are not really up to speed on that.

I don’t think you are addicted to the highs and lows of your wife’s condition. I think you just learned how to numb yourself and just wanted the person you fell in love with. That person never really existed and you are starting to see the reality.

I had a friend that I liked very much that got so bad that her two sons had to be protected from her and her husband kept the home for his two sons. This is so hard on children yet if your sons are afraid of your wife they should not be forced to visit or stay with her.

Do not give your wife power. She will throw tantrums and demand and she has these women feeding her with their hate that is making it worse, so much so that she takes it out on your sons.

You had three nice days with your two sons while your wife was away. Then she came home and punished all of you. You deserve to have peace and your sons deserve to feel safe. If they don’t want to be around your wife they should not be forced.

She's furious today.

Furious that I am not showing the house on her schedule, furious that I went to the school with my youngest to figure out how to successfully pass the year and get set up for a summer school class without her knowledge, furious that last night youngest kid got out of her car and got back in mine and asked to go home.

And while I've been fielding her questions and saying, "I understand how that must feel to you," I just realized..... At NO point has she said,

I really screwed up. I really blew it.

Absolutely everything is my fault. Everything. Not even a "I could have said that better, I came across too harshly."

Everything is my fault. She has been deeply, deeply wronged. Again.

RDM

I'm beginning to think she has narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). She sure seems it.

Some symptoms of mild alcohol related brain injury include loss of empathy, mood disregulation, loss of higher order thinking, and feelings of persecution which may be isolated to one person.

The threshold in women is 500ml of wine a day for 10 years, at which point brain atrophy can be seen in imaging.

Some of that is from Alzheimers sites, and some from a YouTube ted talk.

Two couples far removed from each other have asked me if her medication changed because she began acting so juvenile in the past year.

I am scared she injured herself, and then latched onto these people who fed her toxicity.

[QUOTE=RDMercer;7303637]She's furious today.

Furious that I am not showing the house on her schedule, furious that I went to the school with my youngest to figure out how to successfully pass the year and get set up for a summer school class without her knowledge, furious that last night youngest kid got out of her car and got back in mine and asked to go home.

And while I've been fielding her questions and saying, "I understand how that must feel to you," I just realized..... At NO point has she said,

I really screwed up. I really blew it.

Absolutely everything is my fault. Everything. Not even a "I could have said that better, I came across too harshly."

Now you know you are not the problem right?
As she learns she can’t control you she will get very angry and have these rages. She is trying to bully you into letting her have her way.

Everything is my fault. She has been deeply, deeply wronged. Again.

Now you know that’s not true. She is trying to bully you.

Yes! It damages the brain and affects relationships and ability to work and maintain a consistent work ethic. I have seen this happen a lot over the years with individuals in and out of recovery. Emotional dysregulation is very common.
These rages are also common as well as needing to blame others.

I haven't been able to get this out of my mind. I've wanted to say something about this but someone beat me to it. Call me paranoid, but does this woman know your wife? Could she be setting you up? ok it sounds far fetched to me now, but there has to be a reason it bothered me so much. I don't doubt that you're a very nice man and attractive to her.....but why?? Really why? It seems she suddenly appeared when you were very vulnerable. I'm simply concerned about her motives.
Sorry if this is out of line.

Now that I wrote all that I realise you know that when you're so vulnerable , she isn't in your best interest. Again, sorry if I spoke out of turn.

I'm happy you're looking out for me.

No, they don't know each other, but I did introduce them once.

How did she show up?

She approached me several times about a business proposition. And to be honest, I'd seen the possibility in the past for a business opportunity for us. She's very intelligent.

Instead, at this time I directed her to a good friend of mine who had a similar idea.

I think the question may have been raised between them as to why I wasn't interested in a venture at this time. My friend knew the whole story. He's a good person.

Anyway, she came away with a strong impression of both of us, then called to check in on me.

She let me know she's waiting to have my company when I'm ready.

OK folks.... I need to talk through something, and am open to some advice.

In August my wife really began telling the kids that she was divorcing me. In September, she blew the doors wide open on that topic.

A few times she and I had moments of reconnecting, but it was pretty bad.

At Christmas, she really tore things apart with the kids.

My oldest was really overwhelmed and drew a hard line: we leave together, or he was leaving on his own. He was ready to move away.

We found a house, by chance, that suited our needs. Despite a TON of work, and our best efforts, our house didn't sell, and we weren't able to buy the other house.

In good faith, my wife moved out anticipating a sale, and anticipating us splitting assets 50-50.

Well, now we have a situation. She is in an apartment and financially strapped. She made that move in good faith. Me and the kids are in the house. My lawyer friend has advised not to make a move, especially not until I get another lawyer.

My morals say, get back on track with selling the house. You are shafting her.

I get a lot more peace out of waiting. Me and the kids need a break. We really do.

But, if her finances get bad enough she could move back in, which would escalate things again.

What do you all think?

You are not shafting her just because she counted her chickens before they hatched.

Can you buy her out of her half of the house?

But first, SEE A LAWYER.