Am I experiencing emotional abuse? I’m feeling like I’m going crazy

I’m trying my best…I’m at work & it’s just hard. Especially because I used to have pictures of him and his daughter that he wanted me to frame in my office…

I know it's easier said than done.

Yes, or if you can do it - and you'll need to to summon up very strong conviction - eliminate his contact number from your phone and also email addro. Then turn your attention to avoiding stuff like looking at his social media presence if there is one. From there, yes, distraction by focusing on the important things in your own life. You're doing really well, and I'd like to send you a hug of support in your difficult time. Thank you.

I don't see anything you've told us that makes me think you are to blame for anything. This guy has no idea what he wants, and until he figures that out, he's going to keep doing this to people. Don't let that person be you.

I’m having a very difficult time. It’s been officially a week since we spoke, this is the longest we’ve ever gone without talking. I’m having extreme guilt today & am feeling very depressed almost…

You're likely trauma bonded to him.. look up trauma bonding.

In addition, you have to ask yourself a key question: WHY do you want THIS man's attention? A man who has treated you like crap?

Why do you have guilt? About what?

You didn’t cause it. This man is an addict. He is addicted to numerous substances. Pills, weed, alcohol. If he smokes it 24/7 then you don’t even know who he really is as he’s always under the influence. I hope he only has supervised visits as intoxicated people shouldn’t be in charge of taking care of minors.

He treated you very poorly with outmost disrespect. He blocked you. And you said he is seeing someone else (another victim of his abuse). Why would you feel guilty?

I forgot if you shared that but I highly recommend therapy. How was your upbringing? Homelife with your parents? What makes you not only accepting but actively seeking an abuser? Please focus on that. You deserve so much better. No one needs partners like this man. You don’t need him

I think I feel like I treated HIM like crap though & that’s what’s bothering me

Absolutely not. Trust us on that

You are not responsible for his behaviours. You are not causing his problems. Don't go on a self blame ride. He and he only is responsible for his actions.

I guess I’m feeling guilty in like I feel like I betrayed him or let him down in a way…I don’t know. Like I would get frustrated & upset with him which would cause me to say some pretty hurtful things, and even if some of those things were/are true, I still feel bad about it. I said I was going to talk to his ex wife to hear her side of the story etc. which makes me feel bad because I was someone he confided in for months during his divorce process about her & then I just like put that in his face I feel like. And yes he definitely has substance abuse issues, he does have joint custody though of their 1 1/2 year old week on and week off. and I know he smokes weed in front of her 100%.

I am in therapy but this the first time I’m really I guess digging deep into my past to figure out the same questions you have as to why I would even want someone like him or feel guilty.

I am currently working on that in therapy as to why….it’s still fresh though. And trauma bonding is when they kind of make it a rollercoaster so you’re never settled right which makes you crave them or something?

no you’re correct but I’m responsible for the hurtful things I’ve said to him in response to being blocked, feeling like he’s abandoning me, etc. And I didn’t give him space when he asked for it…

Yes.. it's literally an addiction to the good times, and the promise of good times, that forms as a result of an abusive relationship.

Betrayed him? Let him down?

You have no obligation to him, He’s not your child, brother, father or at the very least husband. This is a guy you dated while he was either divorcing or dating other women. You owe him nothing. Zero obligation

And please do not buy anything he tells you about his ex. No woman would divorce a wonderful husband and devoted father so she can raise a toddler alone. I am sure that how she referred to him “abusive alcoholic” is very accurate.

So what you said hurtful things? Who wouldn’t? Mother Theresa would say hurtful things if she was treated like crap. You were supposed to bow down and say “thank you” in response to being blocked? Your expectation of how women must behave when mistreated by men is not reasonable. There’s zero reason to be obedient and submissive to anyone, let alone some dude.

Stand up strong and hold your head high. Be proud of yourself and focus on yourself and other good people. He isn’t one

yeah but I’ve also said hurtful things to him or gotten upset at him out of jealousy before even being blocked….
he knows blocking me upsets me which I guess is why he does it though…and yes I keep trying to tell myself there’s a reason his wife left him every time I start to feel bad….

would he not be addicted too?

Yeah but you were jealous because his actions and words made you jealous. If he was committed and loving towards you, you’d not be jealous. It’s only understandable that you said hurtful things in response to his hurtful actions and words.

No. That’s a pattern that abused person goes through. Abuser doesn’t experience the same addiction. Only victims do. Abusers are in control

oh so him blocking me is him “being in control” in his eyes?

yeah….he’d go back and forth me being just his friend and not having feelings for me to him talking about things like I have a chance of being with him to telling me to not have any expectations because he cares and doesn’t want to let me down to speaking about us in a future tense again, and just constant back and forth.

Most likely yes, but do not waste your time figuring out why people do what they do. You may never get an answer. Focus on why you do what you do. Figuring him out is pointless and impossible

He just runs his mouth and plays games. Also everything what he says is a cliche. “I don’t want to let you down because I care so much, so that’s why I don’t have relationship with you”. That’s verbatim from a player’s book.

And really parent of a toddler shouldn’t have any time for dating let alone playing games with women. He got so lucky having access to his child and he wastes his days getting high and playing Don Juan with innocent women. What a loser. That’s not how decent men behave. He needs to work and take care of a child and work on his sobriety, not waste his days on games

And honestly I dated some losers myself. But smoking weed while taking care of a toddler ALONE with no other person to help is crossing every imaginable boundary for me. That’s all time low. What would he do in emergency??? Imagine you had kids with this bozo and he’d be getting high while a toddler or an infant is in his care and you are at work.

Count your blessings. You do not need a man like that at all.

yep he said he doesn’t want to let me down so not to have expectations that we would ever date…but would then say “if you ever want a real chance if this working you’re going to have to get over me dating other people.” is that not giving me an expectation that we have a chance of dating?

and I know…he has 3 separate nannies for his child then she goes to daycare the other 3 days of the week when he has her. he literally told me she was so sick one day but then said he was going on a date that night….if his ex wife left their sick child to go on a date he would try to use that in court. he is constantly under the influence at the very least weed, he chalks it up to him having his medical marijuana card though. he thinks he’s dad of the year because he fought hard for her during the custody battle & stopped drinking & smoking weed for 8 months…but that didn’t last long. and now thinks he’s dad of the year because he’s in AA for his daughter.

So the real situation was that you two weren’t actually dating? He was dating other people the whole time? I think I misunderstood the whole thing? Were you romantically involved with each other or you just wanted to be?

No he wasn’t giving you any expectations. He was telling you that he is dating other people. And has no intentions to just date you exclusively. That’s the expectation. He was stringing you alone.

Is he independently wealthy? Three nannies and day care and smokes all day. It doesn’t sound like he even has a job

Medical marijuana card doesn’t mean one should smoke 24/7. He is an addict. Nothing to do with the card. Weed is legal in most places, but it doesn’t mean one should be high all day. Alcohol is legal, don’t need any card for that, but it doesn’t mean it is ok to chug it all day.

Guy tells you stories. He’s not relationship material