Trying to move forward

So...

She just happened to be on our street this morning to pick up mail at the same time our daughter was walking to the bus. Daughter has asked for no contact, but mom asked to drive her to school and asked for a hug when daughter said no, then told her how she was going to keep trying and will never give up on her.

Doesn't feel like a coincidence.

That does sound like a classic manipulation technique.

How did your DD feel? She held very good boundaries w/mom. That can be very hard when you're a kid. Good for her.

Absolutely not a coincidence.

Translation: I am going to continue to disrespect your boundaries because, as always, this is all about me.

Your wife is all about the “me,I,I”. She is all about the AUD and her victim mentality. Your wife doesn’t see how her actions and behaviors hurt others. She doesn’t worry about your welfare, she just wants the money and feels she is entitled.

You genuinely care and you have repeatedly accepted accountability. She still chooses to use it to hurt and control you. She uses how you feel about her against you. Caring compassionate people don’t do that.

Here's some credit for myself.

Oldest kid was in the garage this morning at 7AM. Came in because he had a speck in his eye and we couldn't flush it out. I got kids ready to head to the bus, and I left with him for the clinic to get his eye flushed.

The stuff happens with mom as I said earlier.

I take son to and from clinic and arrive at work an hour late.

Daughter doesn't want to have mom waiting for her after school, so asks if she can be picked up. I get her from school and she hangs out at my office for the last hour of the day.

We get groceries on the way home, I get the oldest kid's car part for him. I make supper, and do a load of laundry, and help him get started on his project again. He runs into an issue and I am with him until 830pm.

A neighbor stopped in and asked for a few minutes of help too.

I will still clean the kitchen, put away laundry, and have time with the younger kids before the evening is over.

This is a normal day, and it is easier than when she was here. Why? Because I'm doing what I can, not trying to foresee everything that could possibly cause an issue and do it ahead of time.

I'm good enough.

Good for you for being such a good dad. 🥰

I commend you!

Also what an epic revelation.

And YES, You are good enough.

Sounds like a good day

Not only are you good enough, you rock!

You are rocking it RD and though I can only speak for myself, I think you are an inspiration to those of us still struggling with just getting up to go to work. Well done sir .

This ^^^^^

I had a vacation day booked today. The big fella is going away for work and his car was broken down. Daughter had counselling appointment.

Counselor began openly working on issues related to mom's drinking and personality disorder. Daughter told her about coming there for over a year and never actually being able to talk about the elephant in the room.

Got car parts, came home and made supper.

Big fellas car is fixed, and he's gone to a job away for two weeks. Lots of hugs and waving from the driveway.

Neighbor asked us to help him at his house with something this evening, then me and daughter went to another neighbors house to help in his garage for an hour.

Drove around, got ice cream, cranked her music up in the Dad mobile for an hour, and came home to watch a movie.

Happy Friday.

So good that you were there for your children today. 🥰👍

I'm a good dad.

I love my kids and I enjoy them.

I'm ready to let them be themselves, I have an understanding of mental health, physical health, and different types of education. I'm ready to explore the world with them, and I'm ready to let them show me what they know and can do.

I'm a good dad.

Nights when my wife verbally tore me apart for hours, that became my affirmation mantra; I'm a good dad and a hard worker, and I try at everything I do.

That would infuriate her.

Now you and your children can feel safe to bond, grow and explore ❤️

@RDMercer you mentioned your wife has ADD so firstly it’s important to know this is highly hereditary and secondly, it’s important to be educated about the ADD brain because there are different types and ways to treat that can make a big difference.

Go to YouTube and search “Healing ADHD - See and Heal the 7 types!” With Dr Daniel Amen

It’s worth taking the time to sit and watch/listen to his talk.

She's medicated for ADD. I don't think she has it.

She completed several degrees by the time she was in her mid 20s, and had professional positions.

She started ADD meds in her early 40s due to trouble concentrating.

It also became part of her personality for a while.

"I can't sit still. I have ADD. I talk during movies. It's my ADD. I can't finish a meal. It's my ADD."

It was bizarre.

I think she had cognitive problems for other reasons; sleep, not eating, alcohol, whatever.

The ADD meds coincided with new bizarre behavior.

Please watch the talk, it’s very enlightening. Taking the wrong medication can affect someone badly. Dr Daniel Amen discuses that in his talk.

Well, what I was saying before was there's some info out there that taking Adderall if you have NPD or BPD symptoms greatly increases the symptoms.

Could also be covert narcissist attention getting behavior. Anything that puts the focus on them.

I understand, but this talk I am referring to is given by a psychiatrist that has been researching and treating these different kinds of ADD and he shows brain scans of patients and explains the differences. It’s VERY interesting a well worth watching.

Ugh had to correct my post as my phone tends to change what I post and adds things. I hate when it does that.

I'll check it out, thank you.

I watched three YT clips from Lise LeBlanc about covert narcissism tonight. She described my life. It's unreal.

When you watch the talk I am suggesting, I think some toxic patterns if addressed early can be avoided.

I took my daughter to counselling on Friday.

Within minutes the counselor began talking to daughter about her mom's narcissism, and about using health and stuff to always put herself first, and to just suck the air out of the room. The counselor said, "I grew up with a single parent. You're going to be ok. Your dad has you, and you're going to be great."

I watched four licensed practitioners on YT this weekend. Dr Ramani didn't quite describe my experiences, but the others. f l o o r e d me. They described my life, INCLUDING that I came from a background of doing a lot for other people without much recognition, including using guilt to manipulate me, including requiring me to do increasingly outrageous things to prove myself.

Including BAITING me after she discards me!

I got texts on Thursday from her, about how she just happened to be in our neighborhood over an hour before work, so she decided to check the old mailbox, and it just happened to be right when daughter was leaving for school.

And followed it up with the suggestion that it would be best for daughter if wife and I entered parenting classes together.

THIS IS LAUGHABLE TO ME RIGHT NOW!

She's having a complete "oh crap, I look really bad, and I'm going to pay child support" moment.

And.... Not one question, comment, concern about any other kid, just daughter. And not one question of, "How is she doing at school? How is she adjusting? When is her report card? How is her attendance?"

This is pure optics.

That's great that you see the utter absurdity of her suggesting parenting classes together.

Just keep the concept of control and manipulation forefront in your mind. She's managed to control things so long that it probably hasn't crossed her mind that she's in trouble yet. They can be very long-game thinkers. If they don't succeed this round, they'll get you on the next. Or so they may think.

Stay levelled and trust your own reality.

My DH has repeatedly attempted to coerce me into therapy, which I know is a trap since he's so good at manipulating and playing the victim. Just the approach is from such a place of self interest, it even feels like it is more about control than it is about making anything right. Your wife sounds similar in her approach. She doesn't seem interested in anyone else's feelings or needs, just focused on what she thinks will work for her- and more importantly, how to snare other people into it.

Great job dealing with her. Aren't boundaries much easier once you can see clearly again?

ETA: she may be focused most on your DD because that's the person in the group that she thinks will be the easiest to manipulate.

A big red flag that someone is a narcissist is how they decide they are entitled to get/take money they really are NOT entitled to have/take.

I don’t know what’s worse, that they decide it’s ok or that they manage to find others that agree. Others that don’t personally know the person they are bad mouthing about.

I also find it very troubling how freely they share very private things about someone right down to size of X and performance.

How they claim someone is abusive when they themselves do cruel things in order to serve their own needs. How they claim someone is love bombing and hoovering when they are the ones doing it for their own ego.

It shocks me when I see others taken in that don’t see the red flags.

I can’t say enough, don’t hand over money and ALWAYS get your own legal advice.

It’s hard when you want to love and trust someone. In my life I have learned how toxic people will use your good nature against you.