Trying to move forward

My dad was so scared.

"Go easy. Be gentle. Keep the peace. She'll slander you if you don't. "

I said, "Dad, that's going to happen no matter what. Just accept it. And accept that she doesn't matter."

Yup, I'm going to get slandered.

I may ignore it, I may counter it with truth. We'll see.

She's a very, very attractive woman. She'd be attractive for someone 10 years younger than she is. She used to threaten boyfriends and affairs when she was really angry. She'll get them. And she's all over social media so pics of her new men will be around.

I'm trying to come to terms with that. It's going to hurt like he'll.

Here are true things I know, though. There are women who find me attractive. Lots of people were surprised by my age at my last birthday. I have a good job and am highly regarded in our community. And my kids, including the girl, chose me full time. I'm a good dad.

Whatever she pulls will appear a little.... Pathetic, to anyone with a brain.

The fact that she used and uses emotional blackmail makes her an ugly person.

Toxic people tend to use the bully victim behaviors to get what they want. They especially do this if their target has money they decide they are entitled to. They bully and play victim to get the money they decide in their twisted mind that they are entitled to. “He/she hurt me so now HE/she has to pay x amount.” They especially practice this if they know the other person cares still.

There is NO love, instead it’s a selfish power play. They use their targets weakness against them and they feel empowered by it.

They play this game with partners and at work. Bully to victim back and forth. This is how they function.

you guys.....

Have to tell me to keep my mouth shut.

She's trying to provoke a reaction.

It's because she is becoming aware that she is powerless.

The thing is, I've been powerless for so long, I want to stomp all over her. Which allows her to be the victim, again.

You are stomping all over her right now, by keeping your mouth shut and leading your great-dad life. That is the way to do it!

Do not engage. Repeat, do not engage!

And she will escalate her behaviors and the directions from which she comes at you. It won't magically stop anytime soon, even if you disengage emotionally, she will try to reel you back in.

Work it out on your own and don't let it come to a reactive point (that was the biggest mistake I made, letting him bait me into a reaction). They don't care if your reaction is good or bad, hurts them or you or the kids, they only care that they get the reaction. Because then they feel vindicated.

You mentioned how hard it will be once she starts appearing in public with other men. If she's an actual narc, expect that you will see her going places and doing things with them that she wouldn't do with or for you. That's classic narc stuff, lovebomb the new person while punishing the old. One classic story I've heard a few times is the narc spouse who refused the other children, then six months after the relationship ends they're posting all over social media about how they are having a baby with their new relationship, it's something they've wanted forever, and they are so excited and can't wait. You get the idea. It's all a game to them, don't take it personally.

Stay strong. Bite your tongue. Nothing good will come from any interaction.

Just keep focusing on your healing and doing positive things with and for your children. Her behaviors will continue to be dysfunctional and attention seeking. Ignore her because any interaction from you will get twisted to serve her need to play her victim role.

Continue to use your lawyers advice. You have a right to keep your home and provide a safe environment for you and your children.

Hang in there RD unlike me you are re gaining yourself and able to stand up to her games. You got this 👍

Mine still has me on the ropes ...I'm still very much in it but with the good advice I've gotten from you and some others I am trying to be brave and figure out who I am .

Great.... Now I have to act like a role model for Sadman.



This is hard.

She really has painted herself into a corner.

If she pushes hard for a settlement, we leave the region and she's alone.

If she hangs on thinking she'll eventually get child support for shared custody she's going to have to put in a lot of work, "win" the kids over (not happening), and wait years for a settlement.

If she thinks she's coming home, the oldest has already made a police report against her.

And somehow.... In her mind, she is (1) calling the shots and (2) being victimized.

I just want to tell her off and make her go away.

Last week I got asked about working remotely for another employer. Today mine asked me about a virtual position for a year.

Me and the kids could just leave. And she can't do anything about it.

So, all that's left for her is to create a scene, online or in person.

What’s the long term plan? Divorce, stay separated, reconcile? Seems a bit in a limbo. If neither files for divorce, not sure what settlement she is talking about. If she wants it, she needs to file

Your wife has repeatedly said she doesn’t love you and wants a divorce.

People constantly make the mistake thinking they are entitled to things based on their emotions when Legally they are not entitled. And they nortoriously get bad advice from friends who base things on emotions and not by legal facts. You did get legal advice and you know your legal rights.

She will continue with toxic behaviors hoping to get you emotional. As I mentioned, that’s called baiting and emotional manipulation. Don’t take the bait or respond.

"divine1966 - What’s the long term plan? Divorce, stay separated, reconcile? Seems a bit in a limbo. If neither files for divorce, not sure what settlement she is talking about. If she wants it, she needs to file"

That's what I was saying....

Her initial plan was she was going to have half the value of the house, half my pension, and half my pay by April. I offered to mediate quickly, and she declined.
- oops - lawyers take time and money, she can't get the house until we are pushed out which may take years, and she can't get support payments if the kids are with me.

Her plan then became that she was going to force daughter to live with her, and force me to sell the house, and force me to stay in the job I'm in plus get more work to pay her support.
- oops - you can't make a kid over 13 live with you, and if forced to court we will be granted exclusivity of the house until the youngest is done college, and if forced to court she'll be paying me child support. And if she pushes it to court her drinking, reckless driving and erratic behavior will be shared with the court.

Her plan also was that the oldest was on his own and not counted in any support payments, and in fact his income will support ME so that I can more easily pay HER more support money.
- oops - he is counted until he's done college if he chooses to go, and in fact she'll have to pay a big portion of his costs.

Her plan was daughter would be with her and I'd be working two jobs sharing a place with our son.
- oops- if we do get forced out we're leaving the region for cheaper housing, and she's paying child support and she's here alone.

Yet, she still darn well flexes on me all the time about me facing the consequences of my actions.

WOW.....I want to tell her off.

I also want to save her from her own thinking and have peace!

As angry as I am, I'm still attached to her. I still miss her, and this all HURTS.

What you just laid out was how your wife feels entitled to strip you of everything. It would please her if you ended up broke and all alone yet still having to hand your earnings to her.

You don’t desire to do that to her, even when you are seeing she would ruin you. Of course that hurts. When you love someone that thinks nothing of ruining you, it hurts.

This never means you don’t have value.

Pretty sure you're a unicorn.

Well I was wondering what is your plan. You shared what she wants. But what is your plan? For her to come back? Divorce? Keep living like this indefinitely? What do you want to happen?

If there’s no formal separation and no divorce process this is just talk. Child support and settlements and alimony and selling and buying houses. This will be ordered in court when you go through divorce. If you two aren’t divorcing, this is is all just talking.

Do you hope she’ll come back?

Do I hope she comes back?

That is just a dream. I am still coming to grips with letting go of her. What I want mentally, what I know is right, what I know is best for the kids, and what my emotions want aren't the same thing. I am still dealing with the burning longing of wanting her for years and years. So, do I hope she comes back? Yes, and I hope we live happily ever after. Emotionally, I want her, and I want her to make amends with the kids, validate the kids, and be part of a stable loving home. That is what I want. That's a fairy tale, and I am continuing to grow out of it. Emotionally though, that is what I crave.

As for divorce, separation, etc.

It was never me seeking it. This was her, all along. My point in recent posts has been, now she has to figure somethings out. If she pushes for a divorce, it isn't going to play out like she imagined, and in fact going to court could hurt her financially. I've discussed that to death.

What do I want as far as divorce, separation, etc.?
For now, maybe for a year, I don't want anything to change. I can't afford lawyers. I can't afford the drama of all this. I can't afford the extra expense of moving. I need some stability, and so do the kids. If the fairy tale happily ever after isn't going to happen (spoiler - it isn't) then I want things to remain just as they are for an extended period of time. I am not proactive in pursuing a separation or divorce, I am reactive. According to my lawyer, that is the best tactic and the longer this all takes the better it looks for me. My lawyer has also said it's unlikely anything is going to happen in the next 18 months. It will probably take years.

In the absence of having my wife and my happily ever after, I want some peace and stability in our home for a good long while.

Just today, over text, my son said,

You're a victim of 20 years of emotional abuse and blackmail. You aren't strong enough to break free from that alone. She's created a reaction in you that is really strong, and the only reason you walked away from it was you loved and worried about us kids more than you loved the feeling she created in you. One interaction with her undoes a month of progress. We see the change in you. We need you, and you need your head clear. None of us have gotten through to her, even as everything fell apart in the final six months. If you see any crack or change in her now, it is because it will create a reaction in you. That's all. She isn't worried about you, or me, or the younger kids. You need to go completely no contact. I will go to the police and get an order barring her from contact with us kids to make that happen if you can't on your own.

He's a good, strong young man, and a blessing to me.

Divorce is not something one should just jump on. It’s not wise to push based on emotions as it can wipe out years of hard work and cause financial ruin. The ones who end up profiting are the lawyers.

Lawyers do profit and are very expensive.

My lawyer told me if it wasn’t for Azzholes lawyers would be out of business.

I think you are doing a good job when you consider the well being of your children. I think that even though you are being hurt and bullied you do your best not to trash talk about your wife. Unfortunately your wife has not taken that path and her selfish acts are hurting her own children. I also think these friends your wife met on line are encouraging her to make bad decisions and are encouraging her to act on emotions. She is getting bad advice from toxic people who are not really her friends.

She didn't meet them online. They are local to us. She totally immersed herself in their lives.

ITA with your approach. It sounds like it's conducive to your healing and understanding of the situation, plus it essentially leaves her hanging with the ball in her court for the time being.

She may not move very quickly, hoping that you do that instead. If she takes action, then she can't as easily be in the victim position as she would be if you did it. Plus, let her do the heavy lifting when it comes to decisions, at least for now. You can obviously change your course any time it feels right, but if the status quo works well enough for you, stick with it. See what happens.

Open Eyes' comment about not proceeding when emotions are heightened made me say, "Oh, yeah" right out loud. Cooler heads prevail. Take advantage of this time to "put your house in order", whatever that means to you. It sounds like you're already doing that.

Keep on keeping on.

Ok, I thought she spent hours in her room online. I have come across these toxic clicks and like that woman who warned you and disconnected, I have done the same.

Neither of these women have any kind of a daily schedule, so my wife would be on Facetime or other apps with them at all hours of the day and night, along with seeing them in person most days of the week.

Strange 🥴

I am so overwhelmed again today.

I read and re-read stuff that I sent to my wife and the lawyer yesterday about what our kids want and about stuff that went on in our house.

It's all true, and it sounds insane.

I can't wrap my head around that. And I can't believe how alternate my wife's view and retelling of the same time period is. To her, this is all fabricated, by me, and the kids have been manipulated.

I am experiencing such cognitive dissonance.