Dating After Divorce and Life Transitions

Yes that’s why we all have different deal breakers. And ones aren’t better than others. Just different.

Yes you have your own personal expectations and standards and have rights to pursue someone according to those.

Like weed for you it’s a non issue. For me I don’t want it in my life. Different deal breaker

But I am married to someone who has different political views than mine. Yes it’s annoying at times but not a deal breaker. I can live with it. As long as it’s not in my face. But I know people who’d not marry someone whose political views differ. They have a different deal breaker. We also have different religious beliefs. It’s a non issue as we respect each others faith, and honor both traditions. I know people for whom different faith is a deal breaker. And it’s perfectly fine! But I have many deal breakers that are non issues for others. And it’s just fine!

We are all different! That’s the beauty of it.

This is very important and I am SO glad you brought it up! People have various dealbreakers and tolerance levels, which differ and are very subjective and individual. Weed is not a dealbreaker for me, but addictions are.

Political and religious views? It just depends for me. Jay is more conservative politically and is Republican, while I am liberal and a Democrat. I am not yet sure if this is a problem or not.... only time will tell, along with all my other questions.

This thread got me thinking about what the real deal breakers were in all my relationships. The answer was simply the commitment just didn’t feel right. I got into the relationship that became exclusive, committed, and felt uncomfortable, and wanted to be out of it.

The commitment happened from the start, without first just being friends, learning all the things about each other that are the kinds of deal breakers mentioned on this thread. You never really know your boundaries until someone crosses them.

I was so not political when I met my husband. But in recent years, realized we have very different opinions, and I resented his attitude. I couldn’t have known that when we met, or that might have been a deal breaker. But, in reality, even that wasn’t the actual deal breaker.

The real thing was very simply how I feel about being committed to them. It was a feeling of losing myself due to being colored by them as my partner. It was not just fear of enmeshment, actual engulfment.

There could be all the incompatible behaviors and opinions in the world, they may not actually be deal breakers. There could be complete similarity and compatibility, and it could just be that i have a compulsive deep-seated fear that won’t allow me to feel content, secure attachment and stay with a partner in comfort and happiness.

This was a huge issue to have had in your marriage. I’m sure you must have had conversations around why he preferred himself rather than connect with you and match libidos.

We never talked about it - he would get SO defensive every time I mentioned it that I would shy away from the convo. Then, when I complained about not having enough sex, he would say we'll work on that, but then would just continue neglecting me.

We never even had spontaneous makeout sessions.. the only time we really made out was with sex, which was infrequent. I love making out and I love doing it frequently. I need a partner who is just as sexually expressive as I am. I want more than just a kiss goodbye in the morning. That's not enough for me.

It could be porn but could be excessive smoking too. I heard that people who are perpetually stoned lose interest in sex and often can’t engage in sexual activity. I think it was maybe a combination of things with your ex. He is sure a piece of work

I can’t believe it he keeps offering money. It’s supcious how he even has all this money

Yeah, it could be the weed. I also suspect that it was yet another way to exert control over the relationship AND over me. He knew, multiple times over, that I wanted and needed more intimacy. But it was always for one reason or another that we couldn't, even when we planned on it... too much stress, too tired, he's in pain, or there's too much going on.... there was always a reason.

I think he may have received his inheritance money, since the latest was he wanted to offer me $2,000. I declined, even though later he told me a portion would be for splitting the cost of the chair. My mom and I talked at length about this. IF I continue to accept money from him, I will be beholden to him and obligated to remain in touch.

We had already agreed that he will give me more of our refund money, if we get a tax refund this year..... that will cover the cost of the chair.

Don't take any money from your ex until after you are officially divorced with a final judgement of divorce signed by a judge.

Depending on the state, it could be viewed as an attempt to reconcile and delay your divorce proceedings. This happened to a friend of mine in Massachusetts.

The tax filing and splitting refund is not the same as him giving you his cash, no matter how he gets the cash. Splitting a tax refund or him paying any tax owed would not affect your proceedings.

Good point. He could say I offered money if she comes back to me and she’s now accepting money. So she’s considering coming back so please give us more time judge

WOW, I wasn't aware of that on the legal and divorce front!!! My mom just gave me money to pay him back for things he's bought me recently. So I will owe nothing, and he will have given me nothing, except for the tax refund. So glad to know this... and I am in Massachusetts.

Your mom is wise

She is! Not always, but with this issue, she has been. Thank goodness.

Soo..... I think I just decided on a new roommate!! She is 59, works at the Children's Hospital, and is super sweet, down to earth, easy going and kind.... I liked her a lot!!

The benefits of having a roommate outweigh the additional costs to myself....I've been thinking on it more. And the fact that I met a woman I really liked makes a huge difference in the decision making process. She already wants to move in, and I told her I have 1 more person looking at the apartment. But I've made up my mind -- I want her to move in.

That’s good. I’d say 59 year old woman is in general easier to deal with than a young guy. Do you have your second bedroom set up for moving in? You have a bed for her or you need to buy one? And will you share a bathroom or she’d have her own?

NO, the second bedroom is not even ready! I have four A/C units in there, plus some other belongings that I need all moved out by the 1st, which is Sat....

I have NO idea how I will move all of that out in time... I could potentially ask her to move in Sunday, the 2nd, so I can have Sat to clear everything out... ?!? OR, since Jay is now visiting me Tue night, perhaps he can help me move out the A/C units Wed morning.... that's possible.

The two bathrooms are shared - the shower in the 2nd bathroom is useless, so that's why they're shared. Plus, it's more convenient to share. One bathroom is right next to the living room.

She has a bed of her own, but nothing else. She lived on a boat in Florida, and just moved back to Massachusetts due to family needs. She is originally from MA. She doesn't have much furniture right now.

AND.... I am VERY happy that Jay asked me about him being able to visit again on Tue - I wanted HIM to bring it up first and I didn't want to initiate.. I wanted him to initiate, and he did. He brought it up, so I said yes.

I also told him about the dude in Oregon who also used to scream at me and chase me around his house.... just like my ex husband did. Jay noted that and asked if my father had done something to me as a child.....

initially, I said, no, nothing like that, which is true because my father never yelled at me and we did not grow up in a yelling or screaming type of household... but he did ask, and now I feel I should tell him that my father essentially was emotionally abusive to me..... and that that's how I ended up in several abusive relationships. I didn't really mean to talk about this with him so early on, but it just came out within the context of our conversation about my travels out west several years ago.

Oh man... I am almost afraid to tell him that I had been abused.... not sure I want this history known so early on. But I feel I should tell him a bit more about my father since he did ask. It's uncomfortable for me to talk about with someone new and so soon.... Maybe I'll just let it go for now and won't follow up on it until we get to know each other better.

Maybe I'll curb the abuse stories for now.... there's so many of them. I really don't know what to tell Jay about this aspect of my relationship history? The stories just naturally occur and come up in conversation. What do I do?

You are building the foundation of what you want to be a healthy relationship now. It’s good to think about how you want to approach the narrative with a new partner. It sounds like you are doing a good job so far.

Thanks, Tisha.

Any suggestions on how to approach this topic with him?? I really don't know - my instinct tells me to not divulge everything right now, and to tell him I've had some really good relationships and then some really awful ones... and that yes, my father hadn't been the best to me when I was a kid. Maybe I don't need to tell him just yet that my father abused me... my gut tells me to hold off on that.

Also, Jay and I talked on the phone for over an hour last night. I was telling him how I don't like any yelling, & that I am a peaceful, no drama kind of person. He says, oh yeah? We'll see in six months how that unfolds... he was joking. But I told him, thanks for the vote of confidence. lol.

What I liked about this conversation and what I am sharing with you here is that I think he's looking at this long-term. If he weren't, why would he even bring up six months from now? It made me happy to hear that he's thinking and looking at things this way... that maybe I could be a longer-term partner for him. Because that's how I am viewing him - as a potential longer-term partner and not just for now or fun for now.

Absolutely. He is feeling out what to expect with you and expressing desire for a relationship with you. Trust your instincts in what you want to tell him. You don’t need others to tell you. Trust yourself.

Yes, I think he is.... I will trust myself on this one... thanks Tisha!!

I agree. Trust your instinct. You can tell him about your father when you're ready (and I'm so sorry to hear he abused you). Parents leave us with so much baggage.

Thank you.

I think I will hold off on telling him much about my father. That's my gut feeling and I will stick with it. I don't want to confide too much in this guy yet, before true trust is established, and that will take time to develop, if we keep seeing each other.

I had forgotten this part, but in the car ride out of state the other day with Jay and his buddy, Jay had made a couple of snarky comments towards me that I didn't appreciate. It could have been an attempt at sarcastic humor, and I think these comments were an attempt at humor. I live in an area where sarcastic comments run amuck... sarcasm is very much a part of the culture here, and he is from my state originally.

Nonetheless, I am going to watch out for this behavior.... if it becomes a pattern, then he may not be longer-term for me. I am on alert. These comments did hurt my feelings, they took me aback somewhat, and made me feel like he was trying to make a dig at me. I didn't like it. Typically, I am not a fan of sarcastic humor when it is directed at me as a humorous dig. I don't appreciate that kind of humor.

I can’t stand the kind of humor, already snarky comments and you two barely know each other, but it could be his style. He sounds like he in general perhaps has simple tastes and simple life style? Are his friends the type that thinking that it’s a macho thing to make fun of women and put them down? I hope I am wrong on this but I wonder if you could do better than this type