Dating After Divorce and Life Transitions

I am starting a new thread, based on the below thread.

https://mysupportforums.org/relation...-now-i-am.html

So, to summarize:

I am unemployed since January, looking desperately for work. But, I don't just want ANY job - I want a great employer where I will stay and grow for years to come.

I am going through a divorce with an abusive narc husband, who lately has been trying to bribe me with money to stay together. Our divorce will finalize in approximately 100 days. Our 4th wedding anniversary would have been this year in May.

I am starting to date a new guy, but I am uncertain of him right now and I don't know where it's headed. I have been overly excited to have met someone new, I've been getting ahead of myself with this guy and need to consciously slow myself down and get to know him and his character.

I am looking for a potential roommate to share expenses and rent. Right now, I live alone, I am on unemployment benefits, and cannot meet all my expenses. I also cannot move because I cannot afford to move. Mom is helping to lend me the money to make ends meet, and I will pay her back.

I am looking for compassionate support through all of the above life transitions....

from a surprise layoff to a new job, transitioning from marital status to single status again, dating after divorce, and dating after abuse.

So, for starters, I am beginning to feel more skeptical over the new guy, Jay, which I am glad about because I have been overly zealous about him and want to slow down and get to know his character.

I am against strip clubs, and I will not date men who go to strip clubs or who use porn. And I do not know how to approach this topic with a new man in my life. Jay has gone to a lot of strip clubs in the past, in high school and college as a former hockey player, His whole hockey team would go to the strip clubs together after their practice.

Well, last night on our drive home with his buddy, Sean, Jay mentioned going to a strip club as we passed one on the highway, which sparked a little bit of convo about strip clubs. I came out with the fact that I am offended by them, and that I saw my best friend in high school go way down the tubes getting addicted to cocaine and stripping in a sleazy club in the city.

This was the first time that I brought up the fact that strip clubs offend me. I want to find out if Jay still goes to these types of clubs and where he stands on them now. We've only been hanging out for a couple of weeks, and I don't know how to broach this subject since I don't think we're officially "dating" yet, or we are, but it's so early on that we don't know where it's headed or how serious it will be.

I am trying to get to know him better and want to get to know him better. But strip clubs are a dealbreaker for me, and I need to figure out exactly how to approach this subject with someone early on in the courtship??

He also is toying with moving to the Caribbean, which will make this a moot point if he does. He tells me he is semi serious about it, so there's a distinct possibility he may not move at all.

So, how do I bring this up to him?? AND the subject of porn, since that is also a dealbreaker for me. I don't want to scare him away by bringing it up too early, but I also want to nip this early on IF he does still go to these clubs and if he does regularly use porn.... even when he's coupled up. That's where I draw the line with porn... I can accept a man using it while he is single, but not when in a couple or when seriously dating.

On top of that, my ex husband tried to reach me by phone twice last night. So I asked him this morning what is up, and it's more of the same. Now he wants to pre-pay me our anticipated tax refund to help me out. Why is he constantly trying to get at me with money???? He knows I am at a disadvantage right now and I know it's sheer manipulation. But how tied to money does he think I am truly am? Mom is covering me, and I don't need or want his help. All that will do is make me beholden to him.... I know the drill.

On strip clubs . . . For whatever reason, going out to strip clubs as a group is not uncommon as a male activity. I know, for instance, that my brother-in-law did this on occasion with his work buddies when he was younger, and there is not a more decent, honorable man than my brother-in-law. I am pretty sure my husband did the same when he was young, and he was my husband for 34 years. So, much may depend on the context (group socializing vs. individual).

I’m glad to read you are slowing yourself down. Just take the time to get to know this guy. You don’t have to know everything NOW if you are willing to just let things develop, or not, at a natural pace. Trying to get all the answers now may seem pushy or desperate for commitment at a time when you two can just take the time to learn each other at a more organic pace.

If he doesn’t go to strip clubs, why would he mention it? It wouldn’t be on his radar. If you drive by a movie theater and he talks about going there, you’d not be agonizing if he likes movies. It would be fair to say he likely likes movies. He talks about strip bars. There must be a reason? But you can ask directly. You approach it like everything else. Just ask. People asked me all kind of things as early as the first date. The earlier people ask less time they waste. But you can often tell if he’s even the type.

I don’t see it as being desperate or pushing for commitment. Some things are very important for some people. It’s ok to ask early on. I know people who wasted many months dating someone who: did or didn’t want children, wanted potential spouse to convert to their faith, wanted or didn’t want to relocate etc I’d not think anyone was pushing for commitment if they asked me these questions up front.

Plus those aren’t even commitment questions. Dude talks about strip bars. He brought it up first

Perhaps, but Hope is the one who has said she realizes she was falling too fast, falling too fast for this guy, even before this topic came up. I’m not particularly saying anything she (and others) haven’t already said in previous comments in her threads.

I just wanna say, how can you get mad at people implying your morals might be a little loose for sleeping with him so soon, then take some moral high ground for his own personal preferences? Isnt that being a hypocrite? You can do what you want, but he cant do what he wants? You call it a deal-breaker, but it just seems controlling to me. It's not fair. And it doesn't seem wise. Thinking you can interfere between a man and his porn - he will just lie to you, and think less of you.

Una, we can agree to disagree on this topic. I have read your posts on this topic previously, and I know you defend people's rights to watch porn. Please respect MY dealbreakers, and how is it hypocritical of me? I don't see that perspective at all. Just because we're sleeping together doesn't mean I can't have standards that I stick to when dating..... IF we were to become serious, porn and strip clubs are dealbreakers. And if he likes that stuff and if he needs it in his life while dating someone, then it's not my cup of tea and we can go our separate ways. Please respect this, is what I ask for. You come across almost antagonistically and accusatory, & not in a supportive manner.. and you were recently very supportive in my other thread..

and, I will also say that MANY women are offended by porn and strip clubs and don't want their men going to these clubs or watching porn. It's hurtful behavior to a multitude of women and only certain women don't mind it. But for many, it's harmful and it hurts the woman's sense of security and and self esteem. if you cannot understand or appreciate that other perspective, then I don't know what to say.

Divine, I agree with you. Since these are dealbreakers for me, I'd rather bring it up directly with him sooner than later, and before I've committed myself to a more serious relationship with him. I don't see that as desperate or too pushy... I see it as being smart about my own standards.

I 100% agree that I was going too fast and now I am slowing myself way down, especially since strip clubs have come up more than once.

True. I just have a different view on this. If she tends to fall for people too fast before she even gets to know them, then it’s even more important to ask questions very soon and find out if their values are even aligned. She might even stop falling for people that fast if she finds out who they are right away. And that would include asking questions

Yes others also said it’s better not to ask questions because it will scare a guy. I see it completely differently. If the goal is to keep a guy no matter who he is, then sure it’s better to be quiet. But if the goal is to find the right person, then asking questions is the way to go imho

Exactly. You aren’t asking when he plans to propose.

Finding out if a man routinely attends and spends money in the venues where women are exploited, trafficked, coerced, forced, controlled by pimps and kept drugged (some strippers are underage) etc is finding out his fundamental values. You have rights to know who he is on a deeper level. It’s not desperate at all.

Personally my security and self esteem isn’t offended by someone watching porn, but I’ve read some serious research about porn and as one advocate said “when people watch porn they don’t realize that they might be watching crime scene”. Very high percentage of people filmed in porn are trafficked, coerced to perform, on drugs and are underage. It’s very scary. I’ll never think of porn as innocent activity because of that.

Sleeping with people before one even knows them is in general a bad idea, but it’s different than porn and strip club because you know it’s consensual, both are adults and no one is forced to do anything. It’s not wise but not criminal, while both porn and strip industry are very heavily connected to crime

This would bother me. There is a type of person who is unable/unwilling to commit. I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who is "toying with" one day deciding to move to the Caribbean without me. To me, it would mean that this person is not actually an adult in the relationship. Even if they told me they weren't going, doubt would always be in the back of my mind: Can I trust this person? Not that they are overtly lying, necessarily, but maybe, even probably, they aren't capable of knowing the answer.

I myself don't understand the "frighten the guy" theory. If a woman were to ask me about porn or strip clubs, I would have a pretty good idea as to why she is asking, and the question would not scare me away. Maybe guys who are offended by the question are the ones you want to scare away.

Exactly. The only guys ever “scared” of questions are the ones that are lying and want to cover up their lies by acting all offended by questioning. These are the men you need to run from. Decent honest men have no issue with any questions within reason (not talking about some intrusive violation of privacy).

Yes for me it’s not even as much about lies but about lack of stability. At 49 I’d want a man to have a career, place to live and specific life plans. If he wants to move to a different country, does he have plans to work there or do what? Live where? He has 11 year old in the US and he’s moving to a different country? That’s all unusual and not very grown up.

I don't think his plans are totally solo... I think he would be open to someone moving with him to the Caribbean, if it were that serious and committed.

I don't view him as someone unwilling to commit. He was married for 10 years, and has had several longer-term relationships with not too many sexual partners.

I am not too too concerned about him moving right now. But if he decides to move all of a sudden and after his sailing trip, then all of this is moot. I have a feeling he's not going to move.

The only thing that bothers me about this is his son... how often can he see his son if he moves to the Caribbean? And he seems to be doing just fine, making ends meet on his own. He was in the same job for 20 years, which shows stability. His life is also in a transitional place right now - same with me.

Wow. Just logged in and found your new thread and it is humming!

It certainly sounds reasonable to discuss his views and habits regarding porn and strip clubs.

I do have to weigh in on the mention of porn as a "crime scene" - I doubt most of the mainstream porn sites would risk posting criminal activity because their sites would be shut down for police investigation, losing them $$$. I would be interested in seeing the article you reference. I've read several life stories of women in porn, and it pays well enough that there will never be a shortage of women who will do it. That said, many women in the sex trades come from troubled childhoods including sexual and physical abuse, rape and incest. These are not nice industries and most porn is not a nice thing. I wrote an article about the portrayal of women in porn for a friend's thesis project. In a word: subjugation.


That said, a whopping number of men view porn regularly. A quick Google search gives figures from 42 percent to 80 percent of men have looked at it in the past week. I'm not sure guys these days ever self-pleasure without it. (?) Young guys anyway.

Good luck with the discussion.

Thank you....

I want the 20-58% of men who don't watch porn. I was aware of the fact that a large portion of men do watch porn... porn is one of the highest searched search terms on Google each month globally.

I am so dead set against it, that I cannot bring myself to date anyone who watches it while we are together in a committed relationship.

I do have some flexibility within me though around this topic. If a guy is single and uses it to self pleasure, then I have far less of a problem with it because I do see it as a tool for that, a tool which makes it far easier... and when a man is single, well, he doesn't have a partner to do those things for him.

BUT, when a man is in a committed, loving relationship, that's where I draw the line.

I've also read articles about how damaging porn can be to a committed couple. So there are articles that back up my stance on it being damaging.

I suspect that my husband was lying to me and secretly using porn. We stopped having sex, for the most part. And he would spend long periods of time in the bathroom with his phone or iPad. I grew to be very resentful of the sexual neglect - I would bring it up to him as being an issue, when weeks would go by without sex. I would bring up the fact that he was constantly buried in his phone, 24/7, and that we weren't having sex, and he would become very defensive over this and would flip it all around on me by telling me, well I'm only on my phone when you're on your computer. But this wasn't true. He was always on his phone, and in the bathroom too.

I was neglected sexually, and I am still a very sexual person at the age of 52. I need and want sex more than 1-2 times per month, which is what we had. I want sex a few times a week!!! ARGH. He was SO maddening in SO many ways.

And I wouldn't put it past him to have lied to me about using porn.

Yes it’s very damaging for couples sex life. Many can’t even have normal relationship because of it.

But in a long run it doesn’t even matter if porn is great and strip clubs are awesome. Wanting or not wanting a particular kind of partner doesn’t make one controlling or unreasonable. I wouldn’t date or marry men who smoke weed. It’s pointless to argue that it’s legal and very good for you. I don’t care if it’s the best thing ever. And it doesn’t mean I want to control who smokes weed. Lol they are free to smoke all day every day! They just aren’t going to be my partners! No one is obligated to date anyone.

Of course it’s harder to find out if they watch porn than other things but usually if they lie about that, they lie about other things. And as we get older it should be easier to spot liars. Just have to pay close attention

I agree - and I have standards now that I may not have had in the past with potential partners.

I don't mind weed - as long as it's not a real addiction - that's where I draw the line. If it's used daily but if we go on a trip, can they do without it for a few days? My husband could not go without it and became extremely cranky and difficult on our honeymoon, and when he didn't have weed. That told me right then that it was an addiction.

Jay smokes weed.... I smoke weed on occasion, but more so I eat edibles. So, I cannot be a hypocrite about this.

What I want to know is:
(1) is he responsible or irresponsible
(2) is weed an addiction or can he do without
(3) can he do without strip clubs and porn, or does he need these in his life
(4) how does he treat ME, very importantly
(5) is he emotionally stable/healthy
(6) is he emotionally available, communicative, and mature
(7) does he have strong morals and ethics and is he decent, respectful, and kind

Of course there's much more to consider like religious and political beliefs and overall values, but these are the questions and answers I want to get to the bottom of with him, as we get to know each other better.