Dating After Abuse and Dealing With Life Changes

The night sweats are really getting to me. I feel like I have covid... I am hot and cold at the same time, all night long. Then I woke up this morning all clammy and cold, but sweaty. UGH.

And my mother just reminded me that one year ago today, my dad told all of us to say our goodbyes because he knew he was dying and would be around for only one more day.

Tough times these days. I am crying right now... I miss my father.

Wow - a very close call just now. It’s my ex’s father’s anniversary on Friday too. Our fathers died on the same day, but his was two years ago so they died a year apart. I unblocked him on my cell and ALMOST sent him a nice text about it. Ugh. Then I thought better of it. The repercussions of doing so are far too great. He will automatically interpret it to mean I still love and care for him. He’ll think I miss him and he’ll falsely believe that’s why I’m reaching out. Then it will likely cause more communications which will inevitably result in more anguish, hurt, and pain. I cannot reopen the lines of communication. I stopped myself and blocked him again.

However, I really wish I COULD reach out to him. It's too bad that we cannot have that kind of friendship.

Night sweats night be menopause symptoms.

It is menopause. I haven't had a period in over two months.

You could have that kind of friendship with exes but only as a time passes. It’s uncommon to have good friendship immediately after divorce. I’d say at least a year to a few years need to pass. After my divorce I only spoke to my ex if absolutely needed. We are friends now and certainly would contact each other to express sympathy or share good news etc not right after divorce. It’s important to allow healing to happen

I didn’t have night sweats but hot flashes in the middle of the day all of a sudden, at work. No fun.

Sorry about your father. I cry large portion of the day on moms death anniversary and I am not even a crier. It just hits you. It gets better but it still comes like a wave

Thanks.. the hot flashes SUCK.

I am not in a good place mentally today. I miss my dad, I wish I could reach out to my ex, and I am struggling. This is a tough week. At least I am going out of town on Sat to see two concerts with a female friend - something to look forward to.

OMG. My sister!!!!!!! I am now not speaking to her and disowned her as of last night.

Here's what happened:

I had asked her to come feed my cat while I am away for 3 days. I asked her to just come on Sunday eve to give her fresh wet food. Well, originally, my sister said she could do this for me, IF she doesn't spend the night with her fiance.

Well, then she tells me no, I can't do it and I am spending the night with my fiance. So I went a little ballistic, being all pissed off. I told her she is not a part of this family, and that she doesn't even come to Thanksgiving with us, even just after our father died. She spent Thanksgiving alone with her fiance, and me and mom had to spend Thanksgiving just the two of us. This is JUST after our father had died, mind you - or it was the first holiday without dad.

Well, so I said that and her response to me was: "You are a self absorbed PSYCHO F-ING BIT*CH!"

Her exact words!!!!!!

So, I told her I am NOT speaking with her ever again, that I am disowning her, and I let my nephews know what she said to me by sharing her words in a group chat.

I told mom I am not speaking to her.

Mom is leaving on a trip in 2 days! For 15 days! And this just happened... on the eve of my father's anniversary!!!!

I am sure my mom is beyond upset… this will ruin her whole trip. We were supposed to have lunch Friday, me, mom and my sister, to commiserate over dad’s death. That’s not happening now.

Just spoke with mom. Mom is not going to allow any family rifts. She is going to mediate on Friday between me and sis. She’s forcing us to make up.

I also cancelled Thursday's strawberry picking date. He doesn't seem that interested, so I cancelled.

I’m so upset over my sister.. my anxiety is through the roof. I can’t believe I was pushed to the point of disowning her and blocking her. I am in shock over what happened. I think she has resented me because she’s told me that she has always believed that mom loves me but not her. She said she never felt loved by our mother. So I think deep down, she bears a grudge with me and has an ax to grind, even though it’s not my fault. She never joins us for Thanksgiving dinner. Mom told me last night that my sister has not visited my mom at her home all year and ever since dad died. It’s all f’ed up.. everything is. I feel absolutely horrible about the things I said to her last night. I was deeply upset and her words towards me cut me really deep, like a knife.

I'm so sorry to hear what happened with your sister. It sucks that she wouldn't drop in and feed your kitty but she does have the right to say "no."

I understand that you resented her not spending Thanksgiving with you and your Mom after your dad died. Everyone grieves differently, though, and throwing it in her face a year later in response to a separate matter is not ideal. But of course it's the anniversary of his death.

Her insult to you may feel very personal but it sounds to me like she was lashing out after being told she was not part of the family, which is already a sore spot with her.

Sounds like things escalated quickly due to built-up feelings. I hope you two can reconcile. It really sounds to me like you both got triggered. Disowning her is unwarranted in my view. Sisters say things like that to each other - I've heard it before. You can get past this.

Thanks so much… she and I were both in the wrong. We both overreacted and reacted to each other’s upset. It was really horrible. I’ve forgiven myself for the way I acted. At first I felt deep shame and guilt. But I let that go. We’ll see how Friday goes when she and I have to see each other.

It’s very upsetting. But hopefully you two could move on from this bad incident. Things happen.

Personally I’d apologize and hope she would apologize too and maybe I’d suggest to meet just two of you. Your mom means well and is overprotective, the way moms could certainly be, but you aren’t a little girl. Two 50+ ladies could hopefully make peace with each other without moms mediating. Personally I’d prefer it that way

My stepdaughters have difficult relationship with each other and currently aren’t speaking to each other. It’s a very complicated situation and source of pain for my husband. But we’ve learned that we can’t fight that battle for them and we can’t demand reconciliation. They need to figure it out or not figure it out. But we can’t fix their relationship because it could actually make it worse.

It’s a tough situation all around. I understand. I’d be very heart broken to have a rift with my brother. I hope it will be resolved soon for both of you

Thanks. It IS very upsetting.

My sister and I have a history that I haven't told on here. She used me and hurt me very badly during her own divorce years ago. When she visited me in NM when I was living there, we had a HUGE fight then as a result. That was in 2010. I had forgiven but never forgot.

I will certainly apologize, but our relationship will never be close from here on out. She has proven to me that she doesn't truly care about me and resents me.

Friday is the anniversary of my father's death. We were supposed to all get together Friday anyways, so this is how my mother wishes to do it. I respect her wishes and don't want to upset her.

Mom is leaving for a trip overseas on Friday as well for two weeks. Mom needs to be reassured that all will be OK between my sister and I. She doesn't need this worry on top of everything else she is carrying. I have no problem with mom acting as a mediator and in fact, welcome it because I think my sister may explode on me otherwise.

I don't know if we can truly get past this. Thank goodness there are no holidays or family gatherings coming up any time soon. I will not be speaking much to my sister after this. She has hurt me very deeply, once again.

I have to disagree - I don't think she has proven that she doesn't care about you. People say things in anger that are lashing out and they don't mean. At least, they may feel them in a way but other feelings exist as well.


I have heard sisters say MUCH worse things to each other than you have described, yet they make up the next day and still love each other.


Just my 2 cents.

@Samicat, I disagree with you. Please see my new thread. You do not know our history or anything about our relationship in any amount of detail. You're speaking from a position of not knowing our history. Please visit my new thread about my sister, which has a lot more detail that may help. Thanks.

Troubled and hurtful relationship with my sister

WOW. I'm totally broken hearted.

I was going to take a break from here.. I do need a break... there's too many upsetting things going on in my life.

However, I have got to get this out.

I went to a two-day concert with a new female "friend". I hardly know her and had road tripped with her once before, but I thought she was cool and that we'd have an amazing time together, two single females.

We had a great time on the first day of the concert with no incidents. Fun time!

However, on the second day of the concert she got really drunk. Then I learned that she is in fact, an angry and mean drunk at that.

Out of the blue and over seemingly nothing (I told her we had to move spots because staff were telling us to move), she became irrationally irate with me.... she became enraged. I tried to calm her down and tried to use reason and logic, but she kept escalating and was raising her voice and yelling at me. I saw sheer rage in her eyes! It was actually quite scary!!

I finally broke and got angry in response and told her she was being a biatch.

She then abandoned me at the concert, leaving me to find my own way back to our car in one of the many parking lots! She took off.

There were 25,000 people at this concert....

I was SO distraught and upset that I left the concert after only 5 songs. I missed the rest of the show and wandered around lost, trying to find our parking lot.

I called friends in a panic, asking how I could get home without her. But my belongings were at the hotel where we were staying.

One young man decided to take me under his wing. He helped me to find our car and hung out with me for a couple of hours. He was very kind, very gentle, sweet, and very loving. I was so grateful for his help.

After the show ended, I met up with her at the car. Because of what had happened, she wanted to drive 3 hours home that night, and I said no way, let's stick to the original plan and leave first thing in the morning.

The next day we were polite with one another, but when I tried to calmly discuss what happened, she turned it all around on me and blamed me for the falling out because I had called her a biatch.

I told her there was a problem long before I said that to her, that she had turned on me, became enraged for no good reason, and abandoned me at the show. She denied there ever was a problem!

We drove the 3 hours home being polite to each other. When she dropped me off at my home, I said, "for what it's worth, thank you". She had paid for the hotel and both concert tix.

Well, then in the following days when I spoke with her recent ex boyfriend, he confirmed that she had done the same exact things to him numerous times. So, his experience validated my own. She is an angry drunk. It's like a switch gets suddenly flipped inside her after so many drinks.

I will steer clear of this woman. I am never going away for a weekend with someone I hardly know or to a concert with someone I barely know ever again. Lesson learned.

I was in shock for a couple of days over her behavior.

I find that type of thing incredibly unsettling as well, in fact frightening - because that is the kind of irrational rage my mother would get into. With you it probably reminds you of your ex.


I think the problem is it would upset my perception of reality. Whereas someone from a secure and loving childhood might just dismiss her behaviour as obviously unhinged and not let it upset them too much.


Stoics prepare for meeting such people in the world - angry, intemperate, jealous, ignorant and so on. So that it won't upset them. If I had kids I would prepare them for people's insanity so that they wouldn't get emotionally swallowed by it.

It wasn't you. It was her. Her ex-boyfriend validated your perception, but you need to self-validate. Trust yourself next time. You were in such a difficult position of being there alone with her so for you it may invoke that fear of being in the clutches of someone angry and abusive. I think it's a good idea not to get into such a situation again, or at least have an escape plan.

Aww I'm sorry Hope, you deserve to find happiness and I do hope you find it

We all love a Have Hope

@Samicat, thank you. I definitely have validated myself, but after speaking with her recent ex boyfriend, it just sealed my conclusion that she is an angry drunk. What an ordeal! I don't think the Stoic viewpoint is very realistic when it comes to human behavior. We get upset in reaction to someone's abuse and disrespect. I don't think there's any way to get around that upset.

@willowtigger, thank you so much... you are very sweet!

Good to know you were able to validate your feelings and perceptions.

Perhaps I was not describing the Stoic viewpoints accurately enough. It doesn't mean that they never get upset, but that they try to anticipate such things and have methods of dealing with them also.

That makes more sense to me.

I ran into my ex husband last night at a concert. UGH! My heart was pounding and I could feel my anxiety in my throat and stomach as soon as I saw him. A PTSD reaction. He smiled at me as soon as he caught my eye, and I immediately looked away and kept walking. I did not smile back. We were pretty far apart from on another with people in between us, but he saw me coming out of the building. It was difficult to to fully enjoy the show after that. HIs presence was on my brain and I couldn't get rid of thoughts of him. This sucks... I still have PTSD.