My people pleaser friend lashed out at me for being honest with her today

I’m reading this as a couple of different issues, you feel like people don’t make time for you being one and you feel like others don’t listen to you being another?

The time issue could just be a mismatched expectation around each of your needs, you wanting more time and them giving less. That’s something that either you can adjust expectations and accept less time is allocated to you or you can choose to seek different friends who have the same time expectations.

Not being listened to however is different, that’s pretty much a fundamental part of reciprocal friendships, I’m not sure why you find yourself in this situation over and over but I’m wondering if subconsciously you’re drawn to people who do this. What do you think?

You want to be treated with respect & like you matter to them. Everybody wants that.

This person isn’t treating you like that. For some reason, this is how they act. You are frustrating yourself “expecting” something from someone who does not give that to you.

It is causing you a lot of anxiety when you set yourself up for the waiting for a response from this friend. You don’t have to do that to yourself. That is having a boundary.

Since you know this friend gives you the stalling tactic you can; not ask her to do anything anymore, or ask other friends while she is thinking about it. Then when/if she finally responds to you, you can say someone else is going with you and she can join you both or not.

You can’t make her stop doing what she does. It is easier to acknowledge who she is and adjust yourself.

It’s hard to make friends especially as we get older. It’s hard for everyone. It’s not hard nowadays to find social groups to do things with but not to build friendships.

Most friendships take time especially as we age. Also most friendships develop authentically so to speak. Like common interests or something in common brings you together naturally-life style or personality etc

In your situations these mostly seem to be very random people who you have nothing in common with, whom you don’t even like much and who you want friendship and devotion after only few meetings with them. It just doesn’t work like that. Yes you could meet friends online but it takes time. Even if you met online or through social group you cannot expect immediate friendships. Friendships don’t develop that way.

In cases of accommodating others though-if you belong to a group of people who enjoy early day time activities, you either have to accommodate them or quit them all together. You are upset that you have to accommodate them but if you are the only one liking evening outings it’s only understandable.

As about them not listening. I am not sure what it is. It just seems like there’s nothing in common and no true connection with these people. Maybe it would develop over time but you got to give it time

I see your point. I’m not drawn to selfish people. They’re the ones who are drawn to me. I have bad luck with people usually. I don’t know why that is

OK, you have a point. Why would she use the stalling tactic all the time? It’s rude. Why not just say no instead? I won’t wait for her next time. Someone suggested I set a time limit & say I need an answer by this date. That’s a great idea.

You’re right about what you said. Maybe I trt to rush things & except to much right away whenever I think theres a chance at a decent friendship m. Loneliness messes with your head. It makes you irrational & crazy, lol.

I’ll try to be more reasonable from now on. I have a hard time finding good people who I can connect with. A lot of people out there truly are self absorbed. It’s all about what you can do for them it seems like.

My morning friends obviously don’t really want to make compromises. It’s worse when they feel like they can band together & pressure me to conform to whR they want & need.

Do you enjoy activities with your husband? It sounds like you are trying to fill a void with these friendships. Being in a bad marriage is very lonely. Hugs to you.

Lots of reasons were listed here earlier. Either it is an issue with her and has nothing to do with you, or she is putting you off because she has some issue with you. You could have an honest talk with her about it and ask her, but those conversations never go well IME.

I agree with you on many accounts Jesyka. It’s hard to find good people to hang out with. I don’t necessarily think that people are self absorbed though but rather that people have their lives. I agree with Tisha that being in a bad marriage and not liking company of one’s spouse is lonely. I don’t believe one needs to be attached to their spouse. It’s healthy to have your own life but it’s good to have that balance. Sadly not when you are in a bad marriage. It’s actually less lonely to be single. I hope this situation with your husband could improve

She did have that conversation and her friend got very upset. She was trying to explain that she’s busy but Jesyka believes it’s just an excuse. I think on paper it sounds like such conversations should happen but in reality it sounds like it’s a disaster every time.

I see this conversation with a romantic partner trying to figure out if he’s into you and why isn’t he more interested and maybe we should break up. I don’t envision such conversation with a friend.

When we travel, yes, but I don’t normally enjoy talking to him as he talks about stuff I normally have no interest in. He never asks me about personal stuff.

I doubt that talking to her will do any good as she has an avoidant personality. Otherwise I would. I think I’ll just have to accept the fact that she is an indirect communicator who’d rather ignore problems than talk about them.

Maybe she is going through something. She’s always stressed out. I’ll keep things light from now on as I don’t think she cares enough about me anymore to talk about serious issues.

Why is it weird to have an honest discussion with friends? There’s nothing wring with honest communication m. It seems like people think it’s a bad thing. Why?

It’s not wrong but if someone doesn’t initiate time with me and shows no interest in me, having these conversations is kind of pointless. Sure they might feel bad for me and contact me more often but why would I want that? People either do or they don’t.

Also if I tell people I am busy, but they don’t accept that and confront me indirectly accusing me of being a liar or people pleaser, that’s just no good. If I tell people I am busy, I expect them to accept it and not question it. Of course you could keep confronting people about initiating more events or seeing you more but in a long run it’s just not going to improve just because that’s what you want. You can’t force it. You’ll just push people away.

Allow friendships develop authentically. You can’t force it by telling people what you need them to do

I never tried to force anything. I never told anyone that they’re a liar or a people pleaser. I only stated that on here. I just stated how I felt & that I’d like them to intiate plans more at times. Should I not do that?

You should do whatever you want. Generally speaking if people want to see you, they would.

I didn’t mean that you literally force them, but if you tell them they have to initiate more, they are forced in to a position of having to do something they don’t naturally crave. It’s up to you of course what you want to discuss with people. But generally speaking people will not spend time more time with you because you want them to.

You have a point there. So it’s better to not say anything then unfortunately.

Would you like to have a better relationship with him? You could try to find things in common. Was it ever any better with him in the past?

I think it was okay to have approached her about what was bothering you, but you probably did it in a way that made her feel attacked and that’s why she got defensive. If you had said when she leaves you hanging it really stresses you out and you want to understand why she does it, maybe that conversation would have gone better but idk… honestly, every time I have tried similar it didn’t go well.

That’s interesting to me. I tend to think of people being drawn to each other, like a dynamic between them if that makes sense. Certainly deeper connections are an interplay between two in my experiences. So if you’re finding that you aren’t drawn to selfish people but that they’re drawn to you do you feel like you would benefit from being a person who makes more of an active choice in who you spend time with?

This is a good point. I think if one finds that selfish people just gravitate towards them, it might be wise to not pursue friendships with them and cut it off as soon as it’s obvious they are selfish. But I’d also be careful how we define selfishness and we mean by that

I’m friend of looking for patterns and take responsibility for my own actions. If I put responsibility outside I’m distracting myself of the focus, that is, what I can change.
And of course, one of this “I can change” is to choose who I want to spend my time with.
All this is very far from complaining about how the other person is, try to change them or expect what they won’t probably give me that is what I’d like. If I hang on in the I’d like or They should, I would consider myself a slave of what I think others expect from me or what I think I should do for them. Because this is at least a two parties thing.

Relations are so difficult.

Good point, Disco. 👍

I have a feeling that nothing would go over well with her. She has an avoidant personality it seems like.

I don’t have the luxury of having to many options as most people I meet tend to be self absorbed.

You may not have said some of the things you were thinking, but she may have perceived what you were feeling. So much communication is nonverbal - tone of voice and, if in person, things like eye contact and body language. I think you mentioned you may be on the spectrum or are on the spectrum? Maybe you aren't as aware about how your communication style is perceived. Just a thought.