My people pleaser friend lashed out at me for being honest with her today

@jesyka, hi, how are you doing?
What did you decided to do in regards to your friend?
I told you in the other thread that you are the best to know if she is ghosting? You said you wasn’t sure.
I think you know it at this point in time.

Sometimes, it’s hard to put in the other person’s shoes and we want things made our way and people are different even the same individual is different under different circumstances.

I tend to use social vaseline if I have to say no to someone when the explanation to this “no” may hurt the feelings of the other person.
For example, I met an acquaintance who use drugs. I thought she was clean. She sometimes asked me to hang in up. I already did it but when I saw that going out with her, the probabilities to meet not very appropriate people were high, I’m rejecting her requests by telling her things like, yes, we must meet up someday, or I give her the excuse that I have to be with my partner. After a couple of excuses like that, she understood. She, of course, doesn’t know why and I feel bad because I don’t dislike her as a person. I have my reasons.

It’s needed to know to let go. Life sometimes is more complicated than to give a yes or a no for an answer.

I’m putting you this example so you can understand that I’m different to you. And I can see things the other way around.

I have been also rejected and what can I do? I’m not going to go to the other person to complain or to look for an explanation. They have their motives and all we can do is to focus on ourselves and move on. Don’t take this possible rejection as personal. Sometimes, people spend time together but each relation is different. Maybe, she can share some time with you but not always. She has a job, a husband, a sister to visit. We should understand this as well.

It doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t important. It sucks. Me, as a person who has been rejected, just like everybody else in their lives, I only asked myself if I did something wrong in this relationship worthy to learnt about and move on.

If I say that I would give up with a person because I have no other option, the value I give to that person is few. This is not fair and maybe the other person may catch it up.

Jesyka, I’m not going against you or saying you’re wrong. Your feelings are important and I ask you for other considerations to the ones you’re exposing.

Many times it has nothing to do with a people pleaser. I’m not. Or passive aggressive. Passive aggressive is for example, cut any contact suddenly only because the other person who is the only owner of their own time, took a while to answer you and you made him known with an aggressive reply. (I’m putting an example, nothing to do with you)

Take a time as Discombobulated told you in the other thread and maybe made an appointment with her so you can know finally what she’s at.

My apologise for this long text. I wish the best for you.

I agree with Bill. Just because you did not say to her outright that you were attacking her, and possibly did not think in your mind that you attacked, does not mean that you did not send loud signals of an attack to her.

I also understand how you might feel that her telling you that you "do not understand" because you "do not work" is dismissive of you, and hurtful. So it appears that on both ends there are some hurtful communications going on.

Sorry to hear about your friend. Why didn’t you explain the truth to her? Please see my response to Divine as I don’t want to type out a similar response.

What happened when you were rejected? Sorry to hesr that. Things are fine with us again. I’m meeting her for lunch on Friday.

You don’t need to lower your standards. You have rights to have friends who meet your standards.

Yet you continue befriending people who don’t meet your standards, according to you they are rude selfish self absorbed liars dishonest people pleasers passive aggressive disrespectful. List goes on.

If you have high standards, there’s zero reason to befriend people who don’t meet those standards. I don’t understand the need to befriend such wrong people, but then confront them and demand they change how they do things. I’d rather people hang out with me because we click and they like me, not because they are afraid of me being angry and confronting them. I’d feel very awkward if it had to take a confrontation and arguments to get a friend to spend time with me. I don’t think I’d enjoy it.

Why not look for people who meet your standards from the get go. It’s too much drama otherwise.

Yes, you can. Only try to choose carefully how you convey your message and choosing the right moments.
Conversations works. Believe me.

I have tried to find better friends. I don’t know why, but I keep attracting the same types usually.

A lot of people out there tend to be flaky, self absorbed, indirect, passive aggressive, and selfish, so finding other people who meet my standards is going to be very hard.

Here’s the crux of the issue: “ I expect people to be honest & direct & not b.s me with lame excuses.”

These people are not acting the way you say you expect. The more accurate word to use is “want” rather than “expect”. You want them to act the way you want. They don’t act this way. Instead they do bs you with lame excuses. This is just what they do. You are frustrated because you can’t get them to act the way you want them to.

I suggest you look at it more accurately and realistically. Accept how someone really acts and meet them where they are, respond accordingly. You may not get any better results to build a healthier relationship because it seems very clear this friend keeps blowing you off, but at least you will spare yourself frustration.

Although I agree SOME people are this way, it seems that you often perceive people to be this way even if they aren’t. Like you thought people were flaky but really one was sick and the other was in a bad financial scam.

You also complain that they have issues, but you yourself described having very many issues in all aspects. It seems to be a huge double standard. I don’t think it’s fair. You’ll have hard time finding people with no issues and no obligations readily available for all these outings. It’s unrealistic expectation.

Plus they might be embarrassed to admit that these outings are pricey. I make a decent living but I’d be taken aback having to to these bars and restaurants and concerts on a regular basis and now staying in a beach town.

If they have several friends and all want expensive outings, it gets pricey. It’s hard to admit especially if they aren’t close friends. Sometimes you just met them and you already want frequent outings. And as we get older many people save or invest substantial amount for old age. Expectation of frequent pricey outings might be too much. I’d give it some thought

Honestly if I meet people I don’t like, I’d rather be alone. It’s stressful. You don’t like them yet you pursue them actively. Imagine you’ve met a man you didn’t like and who didn’t meet your standards. Would it make sense to demand he goes on dates with you? All while you don’t even like him? Would you say because you can’t meet a man you like, you’ll just date the one you don’t like? Makes no logical sense.

It’s the same with friends. You don’t like them. So what’s the point

Good post

I see your point. I do try to be understanding & tolerant, but sometimes people push my paitience to the breaking point.

Example, talking excessively about themselves all the time. Maybe some of them are embarrassed to mention that they can’t afford to go out that much.

I don’t expect people to go to expensive places iften. Most of the places I choose are affordable. Example, the movie place I like to go to has $7.50 matinees. It’s $6 sometimes.

I don’t go to fancy 5 star restaurants. I have suggested going for walks or for frozen yogurt. I’m aware that most people I know don’t have much money to spend.

As for the beach trip, that was my friends idea. If she can’t afford to go out, then she should not even suggest such a thing.

I also expect people to go out with me every werk. I suggest getting together once every two to three weeks or once a month.

It seems like most people can go months with no contact though.

I don’t dislike my friends. I’m just frustrated & annoyed by some of their behavior like them being indirect, not giving me a yes or no answer to things at times, etc.

Am I expecting to much for wanting them to put in more of an effort to be reliable & respectful? I don’t demand that they hang out with me too btw. I don’t invite people out that often.

I just asked a few people to intiate plans more often as I felt like the friendship was one sided & I felt like I was bugging them by being the one intiating everything most of the time.

I have needs & I spoke up to get those needs met. It did work when I did that. Sometimes people are unaware of their behavior & how it affects other people

I also am the friend who is the first to reach out, suggest plans, I think what it boils down to is that my friends are busier than me. They either have caring responsibilities, family responsibilities, busier social lives etc. I have some of those things too but not as many, I do get what you’re talking about wishing that it wasn’t all coming from me. Lately I’ve stepped back a lot, I’m not suggesting things so nobody does I’ve found.

I’m mostly focusing on myself, not in a self absorbed way but focusing on self care, getting jobs done at home, those sort of things.

What about her acusing me of calling her a horrible person? I never said that at all. I wasn’t the one who made those comments. She did about me not understanding things because I’m not working, not me.

Sometimes people are unaware of their behavior & how it affects other people

Sorry to hear that. People make time for the people they care about. I often feel like I’m at the bottom of everyones list of priorities most of the time. I do understand that people are busy, but all the time?

She perceived the signals you sent as your calling her a horrible person, even though you did not explicitly said so. I suggest tuning in to her perceptions, at least out of curiosity which can inform your future behavior (not necessarily with this woman).

So she doesn’t make time for you, which you conclude means she doesn’t care for you. Why do you continue pursuing her and asking for more time and even confronting her if you believe she doesn’t care about you? Why do you want company of someone who doesn’t care for you? I’d move on and only hang out if she initiates (and of her own volition not because you told her so).

Not sure about priorities. For most adults friends aren’t top priority. Even if it’s the only friend. It’s unusual to have friends on the top of priority list. For youngsters yes. Not adults

She used to make more time for me. Idk for sure if she is being less available interested or not now. All I know is that after we talked on the phone, everything was fine again & we’re goimg to lunch this Friday. She suggested going to lunch more often as she works where I live.

It’s funny how she didn’t suggest this before. And we’re going to that concert. I’ll let her contact me first from now on mist of the time & see what happens. Maybe she really is busier than normal.

People do prioritize the friends & people they really care about. Maybe some don’t. Maybe even trying to make new friends as an adult is pointless if this is how adults view friendships, as something that’s not that important to them.

It seems that if a friend doesn't behave as you expect them to, you assume that they are disrespecting you.

What if it is not actually disrespect?

She used to make more time for me. Idk for sure if she is being less available interested or not now. All I know is that after we talked on the phone, everything was fine again & we’re goimg to lunch this Friday. She suggested going to lunch more often as she works where I live.

It’s funny how she didn’t suggest this before. And we’re going to that concert. I’ll let her contact me first from now on mist of the time & see what happens. Maybe she really is busier than normal.

People do prioritize the friends & people they really care about. Maybe some don’t. Maybe even trying to make new friends as an adult is pointless if this is how adults view friendships, as something that’s not that important to them.

Friendships are very important for many people. Friendships are very important for me, I have some very good girlfriends. But friendship is more than going out to concerts or restaurants, you can just have activity partners for that. You could be a good friend supporting your friends and being understanding of their needs and of them being busy or having issues and hardships. It’s more than just going out. It’s being there for people. It’s not being a good friend thinking of them as flaky or liars or selfish or people pleasers or disrespectful. If you feel this way about them, it doesn’t make you a good friend. It’s better to stop friendships like that

What I am trying to say that no matter how important friends are, most adults have jobs, household obligations, spouses, children, elderly parents, siblings etc etc they can’t possibly have outings with friends as a main priority. Just not a realistic expectation.

I am going to movies with two of my girlfriends this upcoming Sunday but after that I won’t be able to see them for quite a bit for ton of reasons-mostly work and family. Then it will slow down and I’ll see friends more. It doesn’t make me fake or a liar or not caring if I won’t see them for awhile

Two of my girlfriends aren’t married and have no kids and one has no family at all. But it doesn’t mean they have all this free time either. One is taking care of her elderly mom and her dog has been ill. The other one has ton of house projects and she helps her neighbor etc It’s good to have friends but your expectations of them are a little unusual. People have other things

No it’s not pointless to make friends. It’s just how you understand friendship and what it means to you and staying realistic of what others can do. If you have a lot of free time and just want someone to do things with, try social groups type of things.

What do you mean by that?