[wounded1]

My husband got home late from work...really late. I was sleeping, but got up to comfort the little one who is teething. I talked to him earlier on in the evening, and he said he was running behind, but as I was also a restaurant manager for ten years, I know there's a missing hour, maybe more. I know if I ask him about it, he'll have some "plausible excuse", he always does.

We are separated, and I guess what he does really isn't my business is it? I went looking into his email account (how I discovered he was looking for another online "fling") after he went to bed tonight, and found a week old deleted email from "Adult Friend Finder", with his account name on it. I have been crying ever since.

He has professed to wanting this new "totally open and honest" friendship with me, but I still feel like I don't even know him. How can someone say they love you, and yet go looking for other women to have relationships with? Whenever I've told him there's no way he can really love me, he's always said I'm the best thing that's ever happened to him, but his actions say otherwise. But the last time he had a "email/phone fling" (which had been going on for months when I did discover it), I read some of the things he wrote to her, and it sounded like all the things he has said to me in the past (although I don't know that he told her he loved her). This time I think I caught him before he had started a new relationship, but who knows how far it would have gone?

My husband has done so many things in the last 5 years (we've been together for 6 1/2) that I never thought he was capable of when I married him. Once again, his new found "open communication" that started when I caught him this time has waned, and I feel like we're back to "his/hers" lives. I hate that I'm stuck living with him until after this baby comes, I think everything would hurt alot less if I didn't have to see him everyday.

I keep asking myself why I can't have the kind of love I want...where a man loves me with every fiber of his being. A man who shares his life, his thoughts, his feeling, and wants to share mine. One who will take care of me, and think I am the most special person he's ever known. One I can trust, who won't hurt me, who will make me feel safe. Why can't I have that?!!

[Rhapsody]

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wounded1 said:
I keep asking myself why I can't have the kind of love I want...where a man loves me with every fiber of his being. A man who shares his life, his thoughts, his feeling, and wants to share mine. One who will take care of me, and think I am the most special person he's ever known. One I can trust, who won't hurt me, who will make me feel safe. Why can't I have that?!!

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((( HUGS ))) - I feel your pain as I read your words of despair and while I wish I could tell you that you will find the kind of man you are looking for you..... I have to be honest and say that those kind of men seem to far and few in between and /or only in movies.

Please Hang in There until after the baby is born and then move out and go on with your life with some one that will give you at least half of what you are looking for in a relationship.

[x_BabyG_x]

((((((wounded)))))

Even tho u think its not your business, I understand how much it still hurts. Give it time hun

babyg xXx

[bebop]

I have to agree with Rhap. that kind of man is mainly in the movies. it stinks. I do have a question for you. how can you say you are seperated when you live together in the same house? that is confusing to me. to me if you are still living in the same house yes it is your business. I still think you guys need to get counseling to save this marriage. I know you love him. (((hugs)))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((( wounded1 ))))))))))))))

[seeker1950]

Wounded1, hunny,
I'm sorry you have this man who is hurtful to you, especially while you are in this delicate state of pregnancy. It is a time when a woman needs to feel safe...from my own experience.
I think there really ARE good men out there. I have some relatives..men younger than me who are so sweet and loyal. They have wives to whom they are devoted, though one has a wife who is a B.....! I don't know why he stays with her...such a wonderful man.
My daughter is married to a wonderful fella also, though she was previously married to a totally abusive man, and I am so relieved she is now happy and secure with the little twins.
As for "Adult Friend Finder," do you know that that is a pornographic site? Men actually display their erect penises in pictures there as well as women their private parts. It's obscene. I know this because several years ago, I met a man thru Match.com and we met for dinner. I felt uncomfortable with him, and did some research of his user name online, only to find him on Adult Friend Finder, where he was looking for free and casual "discreet" relationships. Needless to say, I told him what I had discovered and ceased communication.
Patty

[BrnEyedGrl]

[50guy]

My question is has he had a real live fling with a flesh and blood person. The reason I ask is because all that other stuff is fantasy. IMO he needs to grow up. I wouldn't waste my time on an online words on a screen affair. I wouldn't worry if my wife was chatting with a man online. I would however put a quick end to any male with sexual intentions
trying to get physical.

I think a lot of this computer e-mail can be dangerous if you let it. I also thing a lot of folks let their imagination run wild.
If he or she isn't being physical it is only words on a screen to me. I guess I'll be told how wrong I am.
Can someone tell me what is wrong with having a friend of the opposite sex? Can someone explain how words on a screen from someone that you are unlikely to ever meet can hurt so bad as to cause a divorce. Now, please don't get all religious on me because I have a degree in Theology, I kkow what the Bible says.

Eric

[seeker1950]

Wounded1, I want to apologize for mentioning the nature of the website your husband has visited. In your condition, you didn't need to hear that, and I was wrong to bring it up. Maybe you already knew, but I still feel I overstepped the bounds by posting about it here.

And, well, 50guy, maybe it's a man's viewpoint you're expressing, but the mental thing is very powerful, ya know. And a man, or woman, perusing the singles' sites, while still married seems wrong to me. Then there is the whole thing of "cyber sex" which I don't understand, but apparently people enjoy it. How would you feel if your wife were doing such a thing?...or even corresponding romantically with a man? Sounds like infidelity to me.
Patty

[wounded1]

Seeker1950, thank you for your concern, but I already knew what the site was about. Also, I did talk to my husband about it, and he told me that it was a site he was on years ago, when he was single, and he was no longer active there. He was quick to point out that the email I found was in his spam folder (doesn't even go to his inbox) and UNOPENED. He told me instead of assuming the worst, I should have asked him first, and he would have explained. I believe that, he has always told me the truth when confronted, but I reminded him that the issue was trust, and if we are going to have a new totally honest "friendship", he needs to tell me about everything in his past. Finding things here and there, figuring out his little white lies, as well as his "lies of omission" are what have made rebuilding trust in our marriage all but impossible.

And 50sguy, I feel like you're missing the point. The issue for me is more about trust than the nature of any "cyber conversations". When one spouse is having any sort of relationship with a member of the opposite sex that his/her partner doesn't know about, it's deceitful. And when that relationship crosses certain lines (ie. cyber sex, phone sex), that is definitely cheating in my opinion. My husband sharing his life with another woman INSTEAD of me, in any way, is cheating as far as I'm concerned, and hurts like hell.

If two people agree on certain things in their relationship, that's their business, and no one has the right to judge it. In my marriage however, these "indescretions" had been discussed, and it was agreed that it was cheating. My husband used them as an escape when things got tough, and broke our vows. That is the issue here for me.

Thank you all for your support, and your opinions. Once again, this forum is such a great place to get other opinions, views, and I value that more that anyone will ever know.

[50guy]

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seeker1950 said:
And, well, 50guy, maybe it's a man's viewpoint you're expressing, but the mental thing is very powerful, ya know. And a man, or woman, perusing the singles' sites, while still married seems wrong to me. Then there is the whole thing of "cyber sex" which I don't understand, but apparently people enjoy it. How would you feel if your wife were doing such a thing?...or even corresponding romantically with a man? Sounds like infidelity to me.
Patty

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OK, fair enough answer but, I wouldn't even have a thought that my wife was visiting such places and doing such things. I would feel puzzeled as to why she would do such a thing. A fantasy romance online???? I could do that for her if that is what she wanted. Cyber sex??? I would ask her how that gave any satisfaction when I can provide skin on skin for her. Corresponding romantically with a faceless person online....now that is pure fantasy and just plain childish, what are we, school kids passing notes here? Where do poeple come up with this? There has got to be something missing in their lives to do that.
I am not against flirting, I am known as one, a flirt.
It isn't infidelity if there hasn't been physical contact.
I have a hugh problem with people that think along the lines of any chatting, flirting, or concern about a person of the opposite sex is damaging to a marriage.
Maybe I'm a one of a kind guy, I've been told that by my wife, and just don't understand all the emotional issues that are caused by fantasy.
Anyway, thanks for your answers, I don't reject them, I just don't think along those lines.

[wounded1]

I can only speak for what my husband says about his "cyber flings"; for him it is just an escape from real life, a place to get an adrenaline rush, some excitement. Ironically enough, we have always had a FANTASTIC sex life (in BOTH of our opinions), but both times he's looked for something else online, I was pregnant. Our sex lives were still good, but not as "adventurous" or as active as it was when I wasn't pregnant. So in that regard, I guess he was looking for something "he wasn't getting at home".

Imagine this 50sguy: you're sick, something that restricts you physically, and your wife seeks sexual stimulation with strangers online. The emails and chatting leads to phone calls, which could lead to...? I've heard alot of people who get caught up in extramarital affairs say "I never meant for it to happen, it just did." The men your wife would be talking to may be strangers, but they're still people, it's not like reading a magazine or watching porn, the other person is REAL. You still wouldn't consider that cheating?

People don't always stray because something is missing in their relationship, sometimes they stray because they feel something is missing in their lives. And sometimes they stray because they are trying desperately to fill a void, or heal something in themselves. The bottom line is that no matter what the reason, the other person in the relationship is hurt, and the trust between them is broken.

So the actual physical contact is what harms a marriage?? I don't think so. If you are getting sexually "charged" or whatever & have a relationship with this person outside of your marriage, you are damaging your marriage,IMO.

I don't want my husband "talking" (on-line or on the phone) with some woman about sex--maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I thought that was what the marriage included--sexual & emotional fidelity.

Wounded1: This is a terrible burden to have while you are pregnant. Do you have support?--emotional? therapist or good friend or if religious, pastor?

It wouldn't fly in this household. I'd choose to be alone first.--Suzy

Oh yes, don't quite understand the "separated" but living together. Are you trying to keep your marriage together?

[wounded1]

Hi Suzy5654, thank you for your concern...and opinion! First, separated and living in the same house means that I have told him our marriage is over, but because I am in the last few weeks of a very difficult pregnancy, we have no family within 2000 miles, and no real "close friends" here to speak of, we are living together but in separate bedrooms. I am having a c-section and hysterectomy on June 10th, and we do have family coming down for a few weeks, but I'll need help with the three kids past that. I have also been a stay at home mom for the last five years, so I will have to re-establish myself in the work force before I change anyones living arrangements. I am like you, I would rather be alone than with someone who hurts me, but I want to make sure I do right by the kids as well.

That being said however, I love my husband very much. I don't believe he is an evil person, just a damaged one. He is actively seeking help through a counsellor, and has even joined this forum to search for his own answers. I have established a new "friendship" with him, as I believe I owe it to my children to try and support him in his quest to become a better person. He tells me everyday that he believes this marriage can be saved, and he will prove to me before I have a chance to leave that he can/will/has changed. We agree the relationship that we both knew as our marriage for six years is over, and he insists that from now on that he wants to be a 100% honest person, not just with me, but in every aspect of his life. For the kids sake, I hope he can find his way. As far as "we" are concerned, I have no bets on the table, and don't dare let myself hope for anything in the future.

So for now, I have established my "leaving plan", and I am getting ready to meet this beautiful little girl I am carrying. I do have a therapist, a wonderful mother and great friends who are supporting me through everything, and I know everything will eventually work out the way it's supposed to. I will have the peace and peace of mind I deserve, for myself and my children.

Thanks again for your words of comfort.

[50guy]

It has to be me then. I guess I have too much trust or I know that crazy woman I married 35 years ago so well that I just know she would never do something like that. I think if she did have a cyber affair, (If there is such a thing), I wouldn't be too emotional about it. I would want to know why or how words on a screen could have that much effect on her to cause her to want to end our marriage.

I have been in relationship counseling for over 20 years and I talk on the phone and online to men and women about their sexual problems. I have never felt like I wanted to have a physical relationship with them. I have been flirted with by women and I like a good flirt but, that is as far as it goes. I guess I'm a bit stronger than most men, I don't know.

I know that I have had my own problems in marriage but, not to the point of having an affair in the past 25 years. I did have one that lasted a few months and another that was for 2 years. This was before computers.

I think that if you love your husband very much then there is hope for a reconsiliation. Think of your children and how much your husband has committed himself to change.
Is there no forgiveness? Can't you seek counsel and heal the rift in your marriage? If you truly love him then give him another chance to prove to you that he will not do what you think is a betrayal again. Why throw it all away?

I was always grateful that my wife gave me another chance.
Everyone can make mistakes. Pehaps you can find it in your heart and spirit to give a little forbarence.

Good luck you both of you,