Are close friendships worth the upset?

I posted this message below on the new member forum. I think I agree with some of the people on this list.

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Hola!

I joined this group because I'm not sure if I'm depressed and I can't bring myself to make an appointment with the doc just to ask him if he thinks I'm depressed because of basic drama in my life. If I describe a few details, someone will give me a suggestion or 2?

I could go on and on, but the short version of the story is that I've spent almost my entire life frustrated over the way other people treat me. I get so frustrated, I end up mulling over the situation(s) for years and having moments of internal anger that affect my ability to be happy. I keep having to "shake it off." I end relationships (all kinds) because I can't get over the pain the person has caused. I start new relationships, only to have the new people do something that hurts. After a recent friendship drizzled, I mused that I myself must be the problem. I used to try to find books and articles on the "issue", but I never did. So, I reasoned that the rest of the world is pretty screwed up. I'd take the little depression tests, but I never quite fit the description or not enough boxes were checked. I tried talking to people about it, they'd always agree that I was right to be upset, but felt that I should do a better job of forgiving and forgetting. I'd try it, only to be hurt again, sometimes by the very person I confided in. I always end up saying, "But I never did anything wrong to them...."

OK, so you must wonder what is it that I keep getting mad about that I can't seem to shake off that gets me steaming so much I'd rather be a hermit. The root of the frustrations may be that I was severly teased as a child, for no apparent reason than that I was too nice to fight back, so bullies used me as a easy target practice. The worst of it occured during a bussing year that I had to attend a pretty rough school and I was severly bullied by a set of low-income kids (who I now understand were frustrated themselves.) No teachers, no adults, no parents, no one came to my aid. No one. The year ended with a redistricting and I gladly said good-bye to the school, however my inability to handle threat never changed. There are adult bullies, but being socially naive, I never see them coming. Still, you would think that I'd have some people close to me right?

Some how I think I must bring out the worst in people, without trying. I am supportive of desires other people have. I believe we all have something to contribute to this world. .... I get a better paying job, I think everyone should be happy for me. Inevitably, someone makes a remark that shows they're jealous...I stop talking to them. I can recall graduating from college and thinking everyone around me would be happy. How I wish someone had warned me that there would be people, who I thought were friends, who were not truly happy for me. They said a few mean things. I stopped talking to them. I've aged fairly well, most people think I'm younger than I am. Though I'm not the bragging or flashy type, some people I thought were friends became evil. I stopped talking to them. You know, you read all that stuff about letting go of toxic friends...gosh, how can I keep getting toxic friends and family too? Does being humble mean hiding accomplishments? Is it that I need to learn to deal with the little impurities of human nature....am I supposed to accept bad behavior or are all those other people supposed to learn to be nice?

I've had bully co-workers too. I've had things done to me that are truly too sad for me to even write about. Every time it's all about competition. I get credit for doing honest hard work, someone else doesn't like it and tries to bring me down. Eventually I quit.

I'll mull over something someone said for years, literally, I've tried confronting people, it doesn't work. They get defensive. (Before I confront people, I always run it by a 3rd party to make sure I'm not overreacting and that I have a good reason for the confrontation.) I get frustrated, since it's a big effort for me to confront them in the first place. I give up and stop talking to them.

I've tried studying how other people maintain relationships. When I'm just getting to know people, it always seems good. Then, over and over, without fail, I get hurt over something someone said or even did.

I have maintained a healthy relationship with my beau of 10 years, who ironically admits to being a bully in his childhood. My latest drama is that someone close to both of us has abused our trust. He can forgive and forget so fast, but I'm steaming over it.

What do you think, is it depression that keeps me from shaking off these trespasses? Is it post-traumatic stress from my childhood that I still haven't learned how to deal with people...which in turn keeps me feeling sad? No addictions or suicide...what should I do?

A psychologist or marriage, family and child counselor could explore your relationships with you. With a good therapist, you can learn how to deal with bullies and hone your communication skills.

Feeling powerless can cause depression.

Dunnit260,

Therapy is almost always a good investment in understanding yourself and how and why you react to certain things. As long as you get a therapist, who is a good fit for you, I don't think you can go wrong.

EJ

Is there a low-cost way to see a therapist? It doesn't sound like the kind of thing insurance covers.

When you search for a therapist, how do you search for someone that you are comfortable with? I just don't want to end up changing therapists like I've heard other people do. Isn't that expensive?

Ask your MD. to refer you to someone.

Or you can seek referrals from your local hospital, if they have a referral svc.

Good luck to you.

And welcome to PC.

I have wished people would have been nicer to me too! And in general.
I have faced the fact that life is not fair, why expect all people to be.
I treasure the kind people I meet along the way, they are golden as you know.

peace and love,
nightbird

Hi Dunnit260,

Reading through your post sort of reminds me of myself. I got to ask you has your problem with friendships mostly been with other women?

Personally... I have very little problems with guys but I have found other women my age and younger (I am in my 40s) to be extremely difficult to get along with!

It seems like men have such a much wider view of the world. They form their identities based on their careers, their hobbies, their sports, etc, whereas with women.... everything is just based on trying to emulate Sarah Jessica Parker from Sex in the City.

Forget about forming an identity based on your education, hobbies, personal goals, dreams, etc... it's all about whether you're pretty, have great fashion sense, have the best looking boyfriend or husband, the smartest kids, the biggest house, the coolest friends, etc, etc.

Heaven forbid if you have no desire to act like a Stepford Wife!!

It's like: "OMG! Ewwww.... What's wrong with you??" -- you're treated like a social outcast at that point!!

Anyway... I am not sure how old you are but you might want to seek out friends older than yourself. I find that women who are in their late 50's and older to be quite nice. They have more of an identity too. They are comfortable being themselves rather than acting like some bimbo they see on TV or have read about in a Hollywood gossip magazine.

Women my age and younger... well... I just find them to be quite sad... it's a shame that they have such a narrow and unhealthy way of viewing themselves and others.

Just my $0.02... but I think this narrow view of the world and themselves is probably one of the reasons why women suffer from far more eating disorders and depression than men.

Anyway... I'll stop my rant for now.

Good luck to you,

Peppermint Patty

my positive friendships are worth what i am worth.

end of my story.

peace and love,
nightbird

Peppermint Patty,

Thanks for letting me know I am not alone! It often seems that no one has quite the same complaints about relationships, which only makes me feel more isolated.

Yes, most of the problems have been with other women, though the bullying I endured in my childhood came from both genders and primarily from kids of low-income families.

I agree that men tend to relate to each other through unique interests (whatever their career or hobby is) and women relate though superficial aspects of their lives that barely define who they are. I am in my late 40s, but the first time I started having major problems of obsessing over the poor behavior of other people was in my 20s. It was over the fact that my best friend started acting negative when I had a few accomplishments. I didn't want to think of her as jealous, I honestly couldn't see how someone who loves you could be jealous of you. She told me years later that that was
what she felt and she apologized.... she was actually apologizing as part of her own therapy to make up for the wrongs of her past. I accepted her apology, but still see signs of her jealous tendencies. It almost seems as if her behavior was the start of an avalanche of similar behaviors.

I agree that hanging around older women is easier than women my own age or younger, but I hate saying it. It sounds like a stereotype and I'm trying to keep an open mind to people in general. Something nags at me to shut the world off for fear of being hurt, so I'm fighting that nagging by trying to talk it out.

Hi Dunnit,

I know what you mean by wanting to shut the world off. I have sort of shut myself down from interacting with people -- especially other females. When I have had female friends, I either notice that they are jealous, competitive or they are looking for some way to stab me in the back at some point.

For example... here recently I had a co-worker who I thought of as a friend report me to the HR department for something I said in confidence to her two years earlier. I ended losing my job over it and so here I am... now unemployed and looking for work.

Am I hurt... am I angry? Hell yeah!!

And I don't want to sound cynical but I think I have come to the point where I am not going to even bother reaching reaching out to people anymore.

Certainly not in the workplace!!

Will I reach out elsewhere?

Perhaps....

But if I do, it will only be superficially. I am not going to go out of my way for people, nor am I going to reveal too much of myself either.

It's just not worth the trouble.

Anyway if you want message me privately, feel free... and I will try to not be so grumpy sounding as I am now. Today has been a rough day.

Peppermint Patty

P.S. It seems like my online friendships are of a better quality than the ones I have in real life. Why is that??

I hope I still have the attention from everyone who has written so far, I seriously hope to get a reply to this one.

EJ711 said, "As long as you get a therapist, who is a good fit for you..."

When I read that, the first thing that came to my mind was, "I will NEVER find anyone who is a good fit, because no one seems to ever understand." I am literally paranoid that I'd get a therapist that would only do the same things my so-called friends have done. I'd be happy just to have them listen, which I'm sure is half of the therapy. However, there comes a point that I have to stop over-trusting people, then dropping them because they've crossed the line. In order to work with a therapist, I'd have to trust them. I don't have time to "try" 50 therapists in search for a "good match."

Peppermint Patty raised the gender issue, and it is a valid issue. Women are not supporting each other as we should. I'm being very honest here, I feel so trapped. If I get a female therapist, I swear the whole time I'd be sitting there thinking, "She's going to say something to tick me off any minute now." If I get a male therapist, I'll think he doesn't really understand the depth of my pain because he'll pass it off as just another woman who's frustrated with her stage of life.

When I say that I've never been jealous of a person in my life, and I don't understand what makes other people act evil when they're jealous, I'm telling the truth. I picture a therapist hearing that and then thinking I'm arrogant. The real problem is that I'm extremely gullable, which is why I don't know how to deal with the signs of an adult bully any more than I did when I was a kid. I think people pick up on it incredibly quickly, and before I know it, I'm hurt again. I think it's a shame if we have to walk around with a shield up all the time. I just can't live like that.

Here I am asking for help and already thinking I'd have to use a shield with the therapist?! What am I supposed to be thinking?

Hi Dunnit, I've been burned by a former friend of mine recently and it took far too long for me to process myself out of the hurt and disappointment. My mind and heart had to come to terms with things at their own, different paces.

Choosing a therapist isn't really a gender issue, their job is not to be your new best friend, it's to help you discover the attitudes and systems within that continually steer you into the situation you want to avoid. He/she will not empathize with you, but rather, help you discover the knowledge and personal/emotional tools you need to cope and function within relationships. When you've identified the areas in yourself that can make use of those tools, you will learn how to apply those tools in your daily living. That part is up to you.

A good "fit" will be the therapist who has the training and experience to assist you in that identification process. It's not a lifetime commitment, you may be able to discover your needs and coping skills within a handful of sessions. The application of your new skills is entirely up to you. You CAN do it!

I have trusted eveyone but learned the hard way
I trust people- and then dumped me out of nowhere so I don't
really want to be in a social group with her but I like the others- backstabber
i have decided to stay on guardd and not put myself out there with starting
new friends- I do think some are not that way
I am in therapy and it helps me