girlfriend needs space

Hi,

My girlfriend recently ask me for some space this past weekend. It kind of left me a little troubled but I gave it to her. Today, I asked her if everything was alright and she said yes. I asked her if she loved me and was in love with me and she said yes. I asked her if she needed more space and she said nope, meaning she just wanted a day for herself to hang with her mother. Initially she asked for the space because she got mad at me because I woke her up with my computer as she was sleeping.

My question is: Is everything fine? should I read more into it? A day of space is reasonable? We slept together and she grabbed my arm and this morning she laid by me in the morning before I got dressed.

Mind you her ex is looking to go back with her, thats my pain but I ignore thinking of it because I am with her, she loves me, and swares she is in love with me and has swored to me she will never go back to him but simply wants to be his friend. Is this correct? she also said she needs closure and needs to talk to him in person because she broke up with him over the phone, and would like to get closure and leave things in good standing. Not to mention she emails him every now and then to see how his doing.

When I confront her she simply calls me a dummy because she says she loves me and nothing will change that.

I need opinions for all the issues I have noted above....

Thanks,

T

Bro, i understand what you mean. I've been through hell and back and back to hell with my girlfriend. I'm not even good at takign my own advice, but i will say this. I think ultimatly she's gonna do what she wants to do. It sounds liek she was a little confused at first but it seems like she loves you.

Have faith dude...be a gentleman and make her heart melt. Win her.

is it normal for her to want to have face to face closure with her ex? is it normal she wants to see him? is it normal she emails him every now and then?

She swares she loves me and is in love with me. remember loving someone and being in love are two different things. She swares she has both for me.

Advice?

Should i stop the contact between them, the emails, the wanting to have face to face closure?

???

I understand your discomfort with the ex issue. It is a touchy issue because there are feelings involved.

Any relationship requires a level of trust. Be as understanding as you can be, and realize that she is currently with you. That said, it is reasonable to set some limits on what you are comfortable with.

Instead of confronting your girlfriend, try negotiating with her. Let her know that you accept her desire for closure with her ex, because you want her to be fully with you, but you are uncomfortable with an ongoing relationship. Then negotiate something you both can live with.

I'm not sure I can answer what is 'normal', but I hope that helps some.

Not knowing how long ago the ex and her became * exes * ,, .... ?

WMD.

Hey Tony

First of all, everyone needs a day occasionally just for themselves even when they are in a serious relationship or married. That is normal and healthy. But, you can always casually ask her mom on the phone the next time she calls how their day out went.

But, this thing with her ex... if she says she absolutely has to talk to him face to face for closure. Then tell her she needs to do it now or at least within the next 5 days. She needs to do it and get it over! If she loves you she should want to deal with this immediately so she can move on with the future. Ask to go along... if you're having issues with it. The 3 of you can meet at a resturant, she might actually appreciate the support, if she says that you coming along is out of the question she might be hiding something. AND... I've never continued to email an ex to "see if he was fine" after we had broken up and I was seeing someone new. IF she had really wanted to leave the old relationship in good standing she would have done that at the time and not just told the guy over the phone.

Well, that's my two cents...

Best of luck, dude!!

~Christy

A day of space is nothing to be worried about. Everyone needs those from time to time. I'm a girl, and I also like to spend some time with my mother, to do something together or just have a cup of coffee and talk. And I don't want my boyfriend to be there, because it's different when someone else is with us.

The ex boyfriend thing... I don't know. I have two of ex boyfriends that I email and meet once in a while. The first one, he left me on my birthday (cheated and all other stuff) and wanted to get back to me after a year. I like to hear how sad he is, that his job sucks, his new girlfriend is a b*** and so on. He hurt me really badly and I'm still angry at him, that’s all.

The second one... we are very good friends. If he wanted us to be together again, I would definitely think about it. I still have some feelings for him. It’s not love, attachment maybe. Would I go back? I guess not. It’s over. I like him, I care about him, but things change. I love my current boyfriend. The moral of this story: if she says she loves you and most important if she acts like she loves you, I guess everything will be ok. Just make sure she doesn't see the guy too often. Once every 2 or 3 months is normal i guess, but she starts seeing him every week or emailing every week, you should get worried.

I wouldn't like to be in your situation either because it makes you think about whether you're trying to be reasonable or are you being taken for a ride? I know that I, as a female, would love to have some time alone. I live w/my bf&he works from home&is a bit agoraphobic so he's ALWAYS HERE. As much as you may love someone-you do need time to yourself. I don't like the ex-boyfriend thing-I agree with Christyv-but, I don't know if I'd make an ultimatum-him or me. You could lose her&then you'd feel worse. Do what you can to boost your self-esteem without hurting others&you'll get through this. I do think she loves you&is in love with you-it's all an issue of trust&that can be VERY HARD! Good luck!

to everyone, the ex lives in another state about 1700 miles away from me. She doesnt email him everyday or call him everyday. She will have the closure whenever he comes again into town. Now, I did ask her if she wanted me to tag along and she said NO because she said she needs closure of things that happened between them that does not concern me. Its hard but I guess I need to trust her no matter what. I have tried putting ultimatums to her but every time i try it just pressures her and she blows on me.

I guess the only thing I can do is let it go by and If i get taken for a ride then thats my luck. I have no way of knowing or finding out unless I spy and I am not going to do that it gets you sick.

they broke up last year on june i guess.

She finished with her ex last year on june.she doesn’t email every day or call him every day. I asked her if I could tag along for the closure she needs with her ex and she denied by saying that’s something she needs to do on her own. I have in some occasions in the past asked her if she misses him or if she regreats leaving him and she says she loves me and that she doesn’t miss him and that she loves me.

Her ex lives in another state about 1700 miles away so for the closure to take place it will happen when he comes into town again. I am very scared of her leaving me, or taking me for a ride but the times I have tried giving her an ultimatum for her not to contact him she has blown and said I cant control who she talks or when.

I hate the fact that she emailed him pictures of Christmas to him of her family her excuse was he knows the family and wanted to show him how her nieces had grown up since the last time he saw them. This was very, very hart breaking but I let it go.

I cant continue not trusting her or trying to spy so I am accepting the fact that I might be taken for a ride and if it doesn’t happen then great. I love her more than anything and wish ourselves the best. She has told me not to worry I am with her we live together and her ex knows this. Maybe if things go the way they are her ex will start to fade or maybe things will go the same.

I hope everything goes well, the guy isn’t here, they don’t communicate everyday, and we are having problems because of him. I also recently found out she told her daughter that when he was here the last time she saw him but didn’t say anything to him because I told her not to talk to him, but I never did. I never knew she had seen him and told her she was mad because I stopped her from saying hi to him.

I am letting myself go for a ride that I don’t know where it will go.

It is hard to want things to be the way we feel best about them...

But that means controlling people,,,and that is just not possible.

There are so many people in my life that I love,,that I see how their lives could be better...I am foolish to think that I can intercede...

When we Love someone,,the greatest gift we can give is to Love without expectation. That does not mean we become their doormat..it means that we be the very best we can,,,and if it is not enough,,,for whatever reason...we Love them enough to let them go...

They may be back...

We are not meant to be controlled,,,but to control ourselves...

If she wants him more than you,,,you will know,,and trying to change her would be like holding a bee in a closed hand...

With Care,

Lenny

Today she left her laptop opened and I manage to read and email of her and her ex in which she tells him that she spent new years alone, and how the first week of January she has been thinking of him. And the text messages keep going to where he says to her I have been thinking of you too.

I feel I am getting taken for a ride. Not only that but should I confriont him the ex and let him know what really going on? I asked her if she loves me she said YES and I asked her if she wanted to be with me together and she said YES. Can it be she wont go back to him, but she desires him so much she cant forget him or stop thinking of him?

HELP!!!!!

Anyone read my comment above?

Yes Tony,,I read it and others have too...the read count has gone up...

I think that anything is possible,,including you being taken for a ride..

An old mentor of mine used to tell me when I seemed stuck on something.."Lenny,,nothing changes until something changes"...

If you want a different result, you must change the equation.

Personally, I can't see how your relationship can move forward while she is continuing to contact this man.

IMHO.

Lenny

hi tony, i read all the postings, too. so guess i'll jump in, the only person that i can change in this world is myself. i have no control of either changing others or making them do what i want them to do. i've learned that is the healthier approach of doing business with this life of mine.
it would seem that you are caught in a "3 way". it also appears your gf isn't totally sure of what she wants...you or him. i'm sorry that this makes you feel the way you do...but such is life..it isn't good or bad, it just is.
jme, but i'd let things lie where they may. if it doesn't work out, then maybe it is somethiing you wouldn't have wanted anyway. i was once told, be careful for what you pray for...you might get it.
what if it works out like you want it to be? then picture yourself as the ex later down the road... see what i mean? take care and know that we understand....sorry it's rough going for you right now.

As far as space goes, we all need space. I think that sometimes we can spend way too much time with someone no matter how much we love them.
As far as the ex is concerned be reasonable but don't let yourself be walked all over. Yes, I understand the concern but you don't want to be too worried about it or it may drive her away. My ex was so needy. He wanted me around all the time and I wanted to be with him alot too but there were times that I needed my space and if I wasn't with him all the time than he thought I didn't want to be with him. Needless to say it drove me away. While you shouldn't let her take you on a ride, you also shouldn't be so worried either. If she tells you not to worry about it after you've told her how you feel then maybe the best thing to do is let it go. If you keep worrying about it and pushing the subject that in itself may drive her away.
Just my thoughts.

so I confronted her nicely and she dumped me. I asked her if she was going with her ex she said " I dont want him and I dont want you", but in a defensive way. All of this happened Friday. I must say I have been hurting soooo much I cant describe the pain. I try my best to be happy in front of her, and ignore all the issues now and I have noticed her cry and even attempt to do things with me like lean over me when I watch TV etc... We still live together and she cleaned the house last weekend and left all our pictures. She still wears the necklace I gave her and the watch. I am sad she wont wear the ring. Most people say she will come back to me but other say opposite. I know she has feelings for him, but I also know she has feelings for me. A true tie breaker would be the love I give her, support, protection, and I am here he is 1500 miles away.

Any opinions?

anyone? Opinions welcome...today I noticed she took my picture off the cel phone is that a sign plus everything I had added above?

Yes Tony...right now,,at this time,,she wants her space.

The only choices you have are how you respond.

My advice would be to let her have it.

IMHO.

Lenny

what does this mean: My advice would be to let her have it.

Also, I live with her and we are treating ourselves like friends, I am afraid everything will just vanish (OUR LOVE) and she doesnt come back.

I am sooooo sad, what should I fdo to get her back.?

I'm sorry Tony for not being clear...I meant "space".

Space to consider her feelings, space to make clear choices, space to plan, space to understand what has happened, changed, or remains the same, space to consider your feelings, space to communicate her feelings without expectations...

Since space is owned by no one,,you can use it too....

With Care,

Lenny

today i spoke to her, she said she is mad at me because of hiding the fact I knew about her emailing her ex. I know no one can assure me if she will come back to me but can someone tell me if there is a high possiblity? I asnered her by saying I love you and I will always be here for you regardless. I also told her I acknoledge my flaws and try to better myself by correcting them.

Any opinions?

Don't let her make you into a rug. I would get out of the living together situation too since she broke up with you. I'm doing the same thing you're doing now&it IS REALLY HARD. It all comes down to trust&I think she hasn't been honest w/herself or w/you. Give her&yourself space to work things out or to at last see where things really stand-someone has to make up their mind as to what they want&stick with it. Don't despair, there are lots of us who have been through the same thing.

hi tony...if i were you i just her if she really love me if she said yes..its good. then ask him who she more love...if you or him...if she responds you...thats good trust her...maybe she just contacting him as a friend, but if she says she loves him more just let her go and move on into your life...theres a lot of girls out there who deserve your love...i hope it helps....take care..

Tony I am so sorry that you are having such a difficult time. The members that have stated that the only thing you can change is yourself are correct. You cannot change this girl or the way she feels.

Trust is a very important thing in a relationship. You need to be able to trust your instincts. I don't know what made you decide to look at her laptop and text messages. Something told you that you needed to know what was going on.

On the other hand, I think I'd kill my husband if he started looking through my email, phone, computer, purse or anything else private. I have nothing to hide, he has all of my passwords and I have all of his. I ask him to go into my email to do things like answer one of his sibling's emails, but he'd never just randomly go on my computer or into my private files without asking. Neither of us would dream of invading on the other's privacy. But we trust each other completely.

So I guess my question to you is: what made you distrust her to begin with? Space and time alone is normal and important. I do not understand her need for closure with someone she cared so little about to break up with over the phone, but then that's me.