Sad, Scared, Lost...

I am not sure if this is the place to do this. I did a search and I haven't seen anyone talk about what I am going to say.

Ok, here's my story...

I have been married to my wife for 11 years. I love her deeply, my world revolves around her and our children. Up until Monday, this week, I thought everything was ok (ignorance is bliss?). I knew we were having a few problems, and just thought we needed to talk. During the talk she spit out I am not in love with you, I don't need you, this is over and there's nothing you can do about it.

I came to find out, I had mad a few huge mistakes, I was too controlling (and yes, I was), but didn't know I was doing it. I have anger issuses, which I am now taking under control and seeing a therapist for (started before she mentioned this, that she hated my anger outbursts).

My problem is this, I love her more than anything, my world revolves around her, and I want us and her to be ok. She is seeing a therapist for her PTSD. This is the third time we have gone through the exact same situation, yet she never actually said she wasn't in love with me anymore, but it was out there, hanging in the air.

We have always worked through it, and I know we can now. We have talked, and she admitted that what she said was spur of the moment, anger talking, and really what she felt at that moment, but she doesn't want a divorce and wants to work on the marriage now. She said if I asked her now to marry her she'd say no...another blow to the heart, but understandable, and she says she's still not "In Love" with me, but that over time yes, everything will be ok. I know this is a HUGE step, but I am walking on egg shells, doing all I can to make sure she's ok with what I am doing.

Has anyone else had a loved one they have delt with that has done something similar to this? Thast has PTSD? How did you handle it? My wife is my world, my heart and my soul belong to her, and I want to help her get the best help for her PTSD and to make her trust in me again, and that no matter what happens, I am here for her.

Thank you in advance for any help or suggestions.

I replied but for some reason it has been removed ?

Tishie, I think your reply is in the other post, either in new member or general health.

Yep your right lol thank you !

Ihateit,

I think it is wonderful you love your wife so much after all this time, and that you care so much for your children. That is really sweet. I know each situation is unique, but I can relate somewhat to that post. I have never been married, nor with anyone for 11 yrs. However, I had a long term relationship with a guy that I loved very much, and the feeling seemed to be mutual. I am not trying to hijack your post, but just want to shortly mention a little about our past situation in an effort to let you know I can relate somewaht. Anyway, like you, I had anger issues. And like your wife, he had PTSD. It's not a good combo, even when you really love each other, and since they can't just get over PTSD, it is really up to us, I think, to control our anger, which needs to be done, anyway, but is much easier to say it needs to be done than it is to do it.

We broke up, but this doesn't have to happen in your situation. You have made a wonderful first step in getting therapy for your anger. I never really worked on this in therapy, and should have. Maybe if I had been addressing that and improving, we would still be together, but I think our situation was really complicated, so it wasn't the only thing that done us in. We had other issues. So, again you can definitely make this work, and I applaud you for doing something I wish I had done- sought help. Even if things never worked out between us, I still wish so much I had sought help, so I would have less to regret now, and so he could have recieved better from me. So, the fact that you are doing this shows you care, and you CAN get better! You should be proud of this decision.

I mentioned the breakup only because I'd felt a similar way as you- to some degree, "I thought everything was ok (ignorance is bliss?)," but "I knew we were having a few problems...." Unfortunately, I caught this too little too late, but the fact that your wife still wanted to work things out and is now back to saying she loves you and you can still touch her deeply enough to make her cry (even though I know you regret doing so) is a good sign that this is salvageable and mendable, I think!

You said, "During the talk she spit out I am not in love with you, I don't need you, this is over and there's nothing you can do about it." Wow. That is very harsh, I know, and while it is good for her to be open and honest if she means such things, I can understand how this must have hurt very deeply. I am sorry that happened. *offers hugs, but only if wanted*

You said, "I came to find out, I had mad a few huge mistakes...." Yeah, I found out I made more than I realized, also. And I also found out that some of the ones I was aware of bothered him more than I had known. I do feel resonsible for what happened with my ex and me to a degree, but some of it was no one's fault, I guess. Yet, on top of this, I feel he should have been more open with me and communicated with me about some of the problems that I didn't realize were problems, and also about some of the problems that I never knew bothered him so badly. But due to my anger, I think maybe he was afraid to talk to me for fear of starting a fight. Communication before things escalate if very important. You need to let your wife know how important it is that she talks to you when she feels this way, BUT at the same time you need to make sure she feels safe talking openly and honestly with you when these things crop up. But it is great you recognized some of these issues yourself, because if you can recognize the problems as they crop up, it'll be easier to fix and prevent them.

"....yet she never actually said she wasn't in love with me anymore, but it was out there, hanging in the air." Yeah, I know how that is. *offers hugs if wanted again*

The fact that you have worked through this before is a testament to your relationship and your feelings for one another, but it's important to nip it in the bud before it happens one time too many.

You said, "....she admitted that what she said was spur of the moment, anger talking, and really what she felt at that moment...." I can't say how much of this is PTSD, BUT keep in mind, PTSD does cause people to shut down emotionally sometime, to become emotionally distant at moments, even from those they love, etc. At least I have heard it does, and in my experience with my ex, I think it is true. If you are fighting a lot (as my ex and I did thanks to me) this may make her feel even less safe feeling, and cause her to put up these walls even more. Now, I can't say that she loved you at that moment, but maybe she still did. You see, lack of feeling, doesn't always mean the feeling is not there, as crazy as it sounds. I don't have PTSD, and I am not your wife, but sometimes I surpress emotions. There was a situation in the past, when, during this numbness I was feeling, I questioned if I cared for anyone. I did. Deep down, that love was still with me, and I felt it again after the numbness evaporated. I think it was there even when I felt numb, but I just didn't have access to it. I was shutting it out. Maybe your wife still loved you deep inside her, but was shutting it out.

I love my ex and I regret very much what happened between my ex and I. Partially because I miss him, but most of all, because he deserved better. Anger is so hard to get a grip on. Have you and your therapist talked to each other about discovering the root of your problem? You can cure the surface issues temporarily, but they will always come back, if the root is not addressed. Good luck to you and your wife.

Am replying to this on other post, but tyvm and yes, hugs are welcome, ty!

From the other side of the fence.

I could definitely write the "she said" side to your "he said" side. I am a PTSD woman married for many years to a controlling husband with anger issues.

I have my own issues...so no finger pointing here (I have a hard time expressing myself when it is a sensitive issue, I am always afraid people think I am attacking them).

I hope in your therapy or discussions you have asked your wife specifically how you can be there for her. Please don't assume you know what she needs. People with PTSD often have a need to please, to acquiesce or generally not make waves (or when they finally make waves they make monsoons).

So, if you haven't asked her, please do. And ask for specific examples, ask what it would look like to you to "be there" for her.

If you can't remember what she says then ask her to write it down. Carry it with you. If you need to have an uncomfortable conversation with her, review what she wrote before starting. PTSD people often have triggers that will cause them to shut down.

You could also offer to share with your wife what she could do to be there for you. Again, write it down. After 21 years I still cannot "read" my husband and often make poor choices in communicating with him.

I wish you the best. I hope it works out for you.

I would suggest marriage counseling for the both of you with a dynamite therapist. The fact that both of you are committed to working on this is a huge positive for you. And I also think your wife's honesty is a huge plus too for marriage therapy and the outlook for your marriage. Yes, some of the things she said were painful for you to hear, but you know where she is at and that helps you know what needs to be done. ihateit, I would also suggest you work very hard to solve your anger and control issues as these are not contributing to marital health. This will really help your wife see that the marriage is something of value because her husband cares about how she feels enough to change his controlling and angry ways. Your anger/insistence on control could very well be triggering her PTSD. She is working on that in therapy, but you need to do your part too. I agree with what tablarosa wrote on the possible behavior in PTSD of wanting to please, acquiesce, etc. Both you and your wife can work on your communication skills in therapy so that you are clear communicators and are saying what you really mean. You can learn to communicate in a way that is clear, direct and understandable but not threatening. She can learn the same but also work on not acquiescing just to avoid confrontation. If she is scared to engage in any confrontation, then you guys will not make progress. It will help her to be able to confront successfully and see that she can survive and not fall apart and that the marriage will endure despite the confrontations. This will all take time but is often at the heart of couples work.

Later down the road.... Does your wife want to rediscover her love for you? If so, then the two of you can work on that together. I'm not sure you are at the stage for this, but I recommend this book (keep it for the future when you are there):
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
http://www.amazon.com/Passionate-Mar...6367257&sr=1-1

Best of luck.

Heh, I think you should look up my posts in PTSD and Anxiety. My wife and I are fine. I have researched PTSD and understand, even if I can't completely empathize with her because it didn't happen to me, why she does what she does. We have totally reconciled, as in she and I have had a few talks, she loves me, today as much as she did 11 years ago, I just have to wait. She's got a new T, one who will do EMDR, and other things, the T she had before was...not helping.

She stated the other say how lucky she felt that she had someone that would put up with, and stay by her side, during all this, because not many ppl would. I don't comprehend that, I mean, I love her, why would I not support her and stay?

But anyway, thank you for you post and caring! Everything is going fine, well as good as it can in the circumstances. She doesn't have to rediscover her love, she never lost it...I can't list all my posts here, but they are there, if you wanna track what's been going on.

Thanks again tho!

God bless!

Thanks and God bless!

I wish you the best, I really do. I admire those like you that are willing to go that extra mile for your significant other in trying to carve out a relationship with a damaged soul. I mean no disrespect to your wife but from my own vantage point I know she comes with a charted course that is hard to navigate.

My own verdict is still in deliberation. Whether my husband stays with me (or I stay with him) or we go our separate ways is still unwritten. And while I have many, many issues with my own relationship, I will always be grateful for all that my husband has gone through to walk this path with me.

I know I am not a easy person to be with. I bet your wife knows that too. For you to walk a life path with her speaks magnitudes.

Thank you Tab. I hope all works for out for you, the way you want it too. If you ever wanna talk, IM is always open.

As usual, take care and God bless!

You should probably work on yourself at this point. She said she is not in love with you anymore so why do you want to make her stay in a situation that makes her unhappy deep down inside? Isn't that a bit selfish? If she is not in love with you and you truly love her perhaps you two should seperate and let her discover if in being on her own she has any realizations or change of heart in her feelings for you. She needs to work on her own resentments and resolve them herself. All you can do is work on yourself and make your own changes and thats all she can do to. You can appreciate or even love the way you feel about yourself when your with her but if you don't feel good about yourself without her then there is a problem. I think you should work on your own issues without the guarantee that she is staying. Also one of the loving things you can do is to allow her not to feel guilty for how she feels and the changes she may need to make to heal her anger.

Umm, I don't mean to sound mean, or ... whatever, but perhaps if you knew the full story and read all the posts...you wouldn't make me feel like crap, and you wouldn't be giving advice that has no relevance what so ever. My wife and I are fine...check out this post itself, and http://forums.psychcentral.com/showthread.php?t=89984. Even if you had read this whole post, you would know my wife and I are fine, we are together, and everything is as good as it ever has been, with a few minor exceptions, which with her therapy should be fixed. I am sorry, but it's really one of my pet peeves, if someone doesn't know the whole story and just chimes in like they know what's up...just doesn't sit right with me. I am not meaning to offend, but really, what part of all this did you miss? Here's a quote from one of my earlier posts just in this thread alone... "Heh, I think you should look up my posts in PTSD and Anxiety. My wife and I are fine. I have researched PTSD and understand, even if I can't completely empathize with her because it didn't happen to me, why she does what she does. We have totally reconciled, as in she and I have had a few talks, she loves me, today as much as she did 11 years ago..."

I also had to add here...if you know anything about PTSD and it's symptoms...

1. She avoids confrontation. This lead to a build up of anger and she said a lot of things she didn't mean because she was so mad (her words), I made her hit her breaking point, and I did a 180 that very second.
2. She is numb, a lot.
3. She is detached, not just from me, but from her children. Off and on, especially when we're not around (out of sight out of mind kinda thing), she does think of us, but not as often or as much as she'd like too (her words).

Take care and God Bless.

Wow, that was fast to solve so many issues, as your post asking for help and suggestions was 1-31-09. You move quickly! Good for you. Best of luck for continued love and happiness, to both you and your wife.

Thanks for the blessings, if you post a problem I am going to give my opinion. I still think everything I said is true. I don't believe is does kids any good to be around someone who resents them the marriage or who is detached and doesnt want to be there. So thats my opinion. You don't have to agree with me, but if you post a problem publicly and invite others to give opinions they certainly will. So take what you like and leave the rest.

How can you give an uninformed opinion? You aren't here, and as I have stated, she stayed because she does love us. She doesn't resent us, or she wouldn't be here...hello? How about I let her post? Maybe then you'll believe in what has happened? This is a bit silly...

Again, she has her own mind, I did not force her, I didn't put a gun to her head, I did nothing to "make" her stay. She decided on her own to be with us, because she loves us.

Yes it's a public forum, and yes you can give opinions, but when they are uninformed, it makes no sense to even bother, imho.

I hope you can learn something from this, that not everyone just gives up on love, marriage, and their family because they have a moment of extreme anger. Wow, if everyone did that, how many 1st fights in a marriage would end up in divorce? Some ppl take marriage seriously, and their vows seriously, and again, some just get mad, have a fight, say things they don't mean, and "kiss and make up". Take from it what you will, but sometimes a cigar is just a cigar, and everything here is fine.

Again, take care and God bless!

I missed your post, sorry. The whole story isn't posted here. And over the last month or so, we have talked, she told me what she said was becuase she had had it with my anger and my contolling. It takes a lot to make her that mad, and when she is, she'll chew you up and spit you out, which is what she did. Yet again, by her own admission, what she said was out of anger, and really a, "You better stop this crap, or there will be serious consequences." She avoids confrontation because of her PTSD and hence didn't want to talk to me about it before this because she was afraid I'd get very angry, and want to fight about it (which woudn't have happened, but ... eh). The only issues needing solving was my anger and controlling, and I did the 180 that second...it's not that hard, once I knew the problems. Once we both understood why we were doing what we were doing, it was even easier to "fix" things.

Thanks again and God bless!

In your original post you stated she had said she is not in love with you. you said you talked her into working things out. Not everyone stays in unhealthy domineering relationships either. If she loves you and is happy great, why are you so defensive about it if thats all true? I can be like your wife and say whatever you want to hear, I know what you want me to say, I was so wrong in my opinion your so right, forgive me lets get along now. Is that what makes things better in your world whether its true or not? Im extremely loving in my relationships and my idea of love isnt about controlling people, I help out when my loved ones need it and when I can see they don't want it I allow them to sort things out themselves. I don't try to force anyone to be what they are not. I told you take what you like of what I said and disregard the rest. Yet you are still hammering away at me for my opinion and trying to regard me personally as needing to learn how to love like you do. To me that is black & white thinking. There are all sorts of ideas behind why people suffer in relationships and why they are unhappy, I believe it is loving to allow a person to sort that out and not try to force them to do things they deep down inside don't feel committed to. If you feel your wife loves you and is committed then thats great you should be happy and move forward with that. My opinion is different then yours, staying in a marriage or relationship that makes everyone miserable would never be an option for me. It sounds like your very happy about your wife's change of heart, and if that is the case then my opinion should be a moot point for you. I wish you the best in sorting through your marriage problems. It sounds like things are getting better for you.

Ok, we may have gotten off on the wrong foot here...and I apologise. I didn't in anyway coerce my wife into saying anything, I can't even find it in my original post where I said that... Also, lol, it's funny you should say that she is saying what I need to hear, because we discussed that very scenerio, I asked her to please not tell me what I want to hear, but what she wanted and needed to say. I am not forcing anything.

I know I have asked you a few times if you know anything about PTSD...and I will again? Do you? If not, you won't see the correlation between what happened, my Panic/Axiety Disorder, and the blow up. I have since fixed my problem in 5 sessions of therapy, and actually the anger issuse was fixed already.

I am not trying to make this a black or white thing, and yes you have your right to your opinion, but really, there's nothing that I wouldn't do for her, including leaving, if that's what she wanted, and she knows that. No one is miserable, no one is forced, and everything is fine. I guess I was defending this because I know what PTSD and my issuses have done to us, and if you haven't been through them, and don't know what's up, then really, how can you comment on it? I don't comment on things I don't know about, coz I can't, it would make no sense. Anyway, this issue is closed with me, my wife and I are fine. You may choose what you want to belive, that's cool, but the truth is what I have said. I am done, I'm off this thread. Take care.

Yes I know what PTSD is, and I commented based on my perception of your original post. I hope that clarifies things for you. Good luck hope things stay good for you.