I prayed...

Yesterday was the first time I've said a prayer in years. I was trying to get an appointment for another therapist, after a really horrible experience with one on Wednesday. I just kept getting the run-around again, shrinks booked up for 6-8 weeks, or not accepting patients, or voice mails and they didn't call me back. I was getting so frustrated.

I started crying. There are water stains on my insurance book with the phone numbers from my tears.

I said, Heavenly Father, please help me, I know I have made a lot of mistakes and I really want to change but I need help. Please help me fix this. And some other stuff.

So why don't I feel any better.

Sometimes I wonder if there even is a God up there. I was always told that I should "feel" something but I never felt that feeling people talk about. Even when I was still a good person and I hadn't sinned.

Then sometimes I feel like I've done so many horrible things that I'm just not worthy of being happy. That I've brought all this upon myself and it's my own fault my life is going to pot. I was given so much and I'm just ungreatful and this is my punishment. A lifetime of unhappiness....all for a few moments of stupidity.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

I have had addiction problems and have greatly regreted my own actions; except to try and understand and meet the previously unfulfilled emotional need that substances were doing for me. Sometimes I think I never would have developed the strong coping skills that I have aquired, unless I had been stupid and immature and "young and dumb", ya know?

I hope you can feel better about yourself and forgive yourself; I know that a higher power can and will help you if you need it and ask for help from others who might be professionals or religious people or just a trusted friend.

Do not give up!

keep your chin up, too...

Hey, welcome to PC. I've been praying too and can't seem to feel that feeling that people talk about. Could it be that we're not really ready to let go and trust God with our lives yet? Still thinking we can handle it? I'm not sure but like you, somethings gotta change. I/ we, can't keep going like this. It's mentally exhausting.

And like you, I just don't know what to believe anymore. I'd rather crawl into a hole and be left alone till I can sort things out but......

Anyway, you're not alone. Wish I had some answers for you but I ain't got any for myself yet. I just keep spinning and thinking and thinking and spinning and......

Best of luck though. Drop me a PM if you wanna. Maybe we can help each other?

As a Christian I want to say that God is real. He is not a feeling. Fear, anger, depression, hate, nausia, gas and cramps are feelings. We will never experience God the same. Some may feel a sense of peace or joy, others may cry or laugh and some may feel nothing at all. But that doesn't mean that He's not there.
Razzle, my friend, He is much closer than many of us dare to believe. And I believe that when it comes to God choice plays a big part. Choosing to believe or not, choosing to forgive yourself or not, choosing to let go or hold on tighter. But the more we hang on the harder it becomes. Tat2 is correct, many are not ready to let go and let God. It's the idea that if "I don't do it, it won't get done." I was there and it was a hard lesson to learn.
Pray, never stop, but also never stop believing that your prayer were heard. You asked for help and He gave you what you needed. He gave you me and many, many others here at PsychCentral. Stay golden my friend, I am praying for you and will keep encouraging you.

it really seems to me that God has 'his' own sense of time.. i fell to my knees and prayed but God must have known i wasnt ready.... i didnt get that 'impact' change right away either...

but i think that when God recognized that i was ready becasue of that plea, 'he' went to work right away.... it was me that held the show up.... took me awhile to be ready cause there were things i had to learn along the way... it took time...

i honestly feel that if your heart is opened to God, God whatever you percieve 'him' to be, enters...

This is something that a friend of mine told me.
God always answers prayers, but it's not always yes. It's either yes, no, or not now.
I tend to keep that in mind a lot.

I don't know if you've listened to Michael McLean. His music has kept me going when I didn't think I could keep going. I uploaded Hold On, the Light Will Come. If you would like to hear it, this link should be good for one week.

http://www.yousendit.com/transfer.ph...5BBDD35252B91A

There are times when I struggle too, and even though I have felt answers, sometimes I can't really remember and I start to doubt. Depression and mental illness make it that much harder, but you can still get through. You have to keep trying. Hold on. He is there, and He does love you. It's not easy, but it is worth it.

(((((((Razzleberry))))))) we all have our moments when life or depression brings us so far down that we question everything and everyone. And we all have sinned, done stupid things, made poor decisions, and things of the like. But all of these things are forgiveable and understandable.

Sometimes we become complacent or numb. We aren't able to "feel". But every cry is heard and every tear counted. We are forever upon His heart. I hope you can draw some comfort from these words. He will never turn His back and He will always listen. But we must be willing to turn it over to Him. And I myself know that isn't always an easy thing to do. But keep praying, keep reaching.....I and others will also lift you up in prayer in this time and anytime you need us to.

Blessings to you,
recluse1

((Rapunzel)) ty for sharing that link with us. Beautiful!

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Sometimes I wonder if there even is a God up there. I was always told that I should "feel" something but I never felt that feeling people talk about. Even when I was still a good person and I hadn't sinned.

Then sometimes I feel like I've done so many horrible things that I'm just not worthy of being happy. That I've brought all this upon myself and it's my own fault my life is going to pot. I was given so much and I'm just ungreatful and this is my punishment. A lifetime of unhappiness....all for a few moments of stupidity.

I just don't know what to believe anymore.

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I'm so glad you turned to God in the midst of your despair. Please know He is there, and heard you. It might take a little bit for the PEOPLE He wants to help you to line up like they "should." Don't take that as a denial of love.

Depression is telling you lies (I can't say this enough!) and thinking that you are not worthy of being happy is one of those lies. I seriously doubt that you have brought "all this" upon yourself, nor do I believe that "this" is any punishment. Things happen. Things just happen and the body has a way that it responds, sometimes it's response is not good for us.

I will also pray that God will show Himself to you. Do your best to see Him work in your life...sometimes it begins with the smallest of things to be thankful for.

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and thinking that you are not worthy of being happy is one of those lies. I seriously doubt that you have brought "all this" upon yourself, nor do I believe that "this" is any punishment.

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But I'm not worthy. I've done so many horrible things.....what kind of wife and mother would leave her child at a drop-in daycare while Mom is off cheating on her husband with some man she doesn't even know that she met on the internet.

I've told so many lies, I don't even know what's the truth anymore. My whole life is just one big lie.

I left the church as soon as I graduated high school. I had my name officially removed last year, so they couldn't follow us when we moved. My daughter has never been "blessed" into the church.

But regardless of my disagreements with the church I was raised in....there is not a single religion out there that condones infidelity. I'm a sinner regardless of what God I want to believe in. Even if I get past the coffee and wine and casseroles and jello and stay-at-home-moms with a dozen kids...even if I realize that that all is just culture not doctrine, or even if I just let that all go and find something else...no matter what...it doesn't make what I did okay.

Oh and you know what's funny (but not). Maybe 10 years ago - I was playing the piano side of that song, Rapunzel. My high school choir sung the Forgotten Carols.

What the heck happened to me...right...

When it comes right down to it, NONE of us is "worthy" of God's love. That's what makes Him God.

You're right Sky, NONE of us are truly worthy but by His grace. That is what makes His love, grace, and mercy so beautiful. We all fall short. Not just a few but All of us.

(((Razzleberry))) You made a bad choice. But it is possible to be forgiven. All you have to do is ask. The beauty of His love is His mercy. If He can forgive you, you can learn to forgive yourself. Let go of the shame and guilt you continue to carry. When you are able to do that, you WILL be able to move forward and heal.

Know that none are perfect. But we all are loved!
recluse1

(((((((( Razzleberry )))))))))))

Sometimes the road back is long and difficult, and there can be pain involved. The pain that you put yourself through is much worse than anything that God would put you through. He still loves you and still wants to help you. Your sins have been paid for. It's your choice whether or not you will accept our brother's gift. He has already bought your ticket though, whether you use it or not.

I'm thinking about times in my life when I have excluded myself. I do that over and over and over. I decide for whatever reason that I am unwanted. Once I had just moved, and the first week that we went to church, the teacher of the young women class that I went to told the class that she was taking them to the Nutcracker ballet as a Christmas present. I have never been to a ballet, and I wanted to go. But I assumed that I wasn't invited. Nobody even knew me. I wasn't really a part of that class. So I didn't go. Then I found out later that she had bought a ticket for me, and she felt bad about having spent the money and it was wasted.

Razzleberry, you are invited, and you are loved, and you can come back. The biggest problem with sin is often that people condemn themselves and don't feel comfortable, so they separate themselves and feel like they can't come back. Some things are harder than others, but you can come back and you will be loved and accepted, if you will stop excluding yourself. If you will open your heart and allow yourself to be loved.