[gashly]

I've been reading some posts on this forum, and realized I've often downplayed certain thoughts I have from time to time because I thought I'd be labeled "crazy", and they'd lock me up in a hospital where I'd never get out, which is weird because I've been labeled borderline or bipolar in the past, and not been hospitalized.

I generally feel that some of my thoughts are questionably real and label them as paranoid (like people trying to look in through my window, and wanting to even cover up the gaps along the edges of the blinds where they could see in, the recurring thoughts that my roommates (or landlord) have put cameras in my room, checking to see if people are following me). I kinda believe the thoughts but kinda don't, I act on them in a sort of "knock on wood" way, where I act on them "just in case", though I feel like maybe people think I'm silly. I guess "in reality" these things are plausible, but probably not likely.

If this is something outside the realm of a borderline/bipolar diagnosis. And from what I've read along the schizophrenia spectrum are problems with organizing thoughts, then I wonder if that's something I have too.

Meaning, I have trouble processing information both in and out. I try to study things, but can't organize the information so I understand it well, or keep decent notes that I can look up later when I need to recall it. I basically got through school by memorizing the patterns of information my teachers wanted me to say, rather than actually processing and understanding it on my own. I tend to feel overwhelmed and not know what to do. I don't know if this is an anxiety thing or a learning thing.

It's frustrating because I feel like I have to relearn the same things over and over, when I should be building on a foundation of knowledge that I've acquired.

When I try to explain things to people, they often take a while to understand me, it's like they learn my patterns of language over time and can figure out how to interpret me. I don't know if this is because I dump too much information at once, or explain things in a too abstract manner.

Sometimes it seems like I have my own language. I've often felt this way, because I've sometimes asked my sister (or others who knew me well) to explain things for me to others who don't know me well (and haven't had time to figure me out yet). I can say something quickly to my sister, and then she'd articulate more clearly what I mean to others, and they would understand her perfectly and answer back. My sister would act as my interpreter. I can usually interpret the "confused" person's response on my own, but sometimes I need a little assistance.

Do people who are schizoaffective or schizophrenic have trouble processing and organizing information?

If that's the case, then what how do you organize it?

[mgran]

It's called executive function disorder, and is common amongst people suffering from schizophrenia and schizoaffective disorder.

When I'm poorly I find it hard to track my thoughts and organise my behaviour. For example, I forget to put out the bins, start cooking, then forget there's anything in the oven (thank God for fire alarms). I go with my bank card to the phone to pay my bills, then forget to. I'll start writing a letter that's vital to do with my benefits or debt, and realise two hours later that I'm staring at the wall. Housework suffers as well... I start doing the dishes, then the phone rings, and after I've hung up I've forgotten what I'm doing. I'll draw a bath and forget to turn the tap off, and come into a room swimming with hot water.

In the past I've been able to study in depth and learn new skills, but even then I struggled with organising my time and finances. Even on my meds, which have really helped, I still struggle in this area.

sometimes in a crowded venue it becomes very difficult for me to process what people are talking about, and I'll shut down. I have to force myself to interact with people, and the result is that folks think I'm aloof and uninterested. In fact the problem is that listening to all those voices (not to mention my own) feels like there are lots of radios on at the same time, and I can't tune out any of them.

Is this the kind of thing you're talking about?

[gashly]

Yeah, I think so. It sounds like stuff I do. I thought I was ADD or something, but was tested and they said no. I set timers when I cook, because otherwise I'd forget I have something on the stove or in the oven and set the house on fire. Or I have to stand there till it's finished. I can't leave one task to do another or I'll forget the original, and I'm always going off on tangents as I recall things I've forgotten, leaving prior things uncompleted.

I can't process a lot of things at once. If I'm in a room with many people, my mind jumps from conversation to conversation and I can't keep track of any of them, so I shut down and people think I'm bored. I actually am a little, but more frustrated that I can't follow what's going on.

At work though I have had the ability to superfocus and shut everything out but the task at hand, sometimes to the point that I'm completely unaware of any noise around me. It takes a lot of energy to do, so I'm unwilling to try unless I have a large block of time, and interruptions really irritate me because I have to transition to the person interrupting me, then reload everything back into my head and shut everything out again after each interruption, which takes time. I don't know if this is also typical.

I think I've managed to adapt how to handle most tasks around the house, it's really more the intellectual stuff I have trouble with. I have trouble planning, prioritizing, and organizing information. That means if left to my own devices I have no idea how to handle a project unless I'm following someone's lead, and learning anything from work skills, education, research, whatever seems to be overwhelming. Anything I try to learn about whether how to improve my job skills, or a hobby, usually is a mess.

What do you do to study and learn new skills efficiently?

[mgran]

Well, I've figured out that the main ways I learn things is by hearing. So, when I have to learn something from a book I'll read it outloud. When I was at university I used to make a tape of what I was learning (like anglo saxon) and play back what I'd read earlier. I was always reading aloud my notes for history etc, then as I read, writing down notes, then reading them, then after a while making those notes even shorter, reading them... then I could compress the information down to a few key words, which I'd look at, then I'd start "free associating" what I'd already learned over the previous sessions.

Right now I'm learning a foriegn language, and am using the Michel Thomas system, which is purely aural... all you have to do is listen, repeat, and slowly build up grammar and vocabulary that way. Google Michel Thomas and you'll see what I mean.

When I was learning Welsh I found this really kooky course in which the teacher read out the text to a background of Mozart. I'd listen and read first, then at bedtime I'd listen again and fall asleep. It actually really worked, so I've started listening to materials I'm learning at bed time with nice music in the background.

I'm not saying this would work for everyone, but it worked extremely well before I got really poorly, and now that I'm on meds it's working again. (When I was poorly I would start to learn something, then get lost and leave it uncompleted. That's improved now that I'm focussing more on how I learn.)

If you were an aural learner I think the above should work for you. If you're a visual learner than charts and graphs and pictures would help. (I know someone who learned history by drawing pictures of events with key words scattered throughout, and quite a few others who had different colours to represent themes etc.)

Hope this helps.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

I originally thought this was mgrans post when I posted this. I read up afterward and saw the rest.

Gashly, it's pretty interesting that many of the things you are experiencing are common for me as well. I thought it could be perhaps ADD but I was never diagnosed with ADD and never really felt like that was me. It seemed to be different than the ADD. Because of the extra thoughts. Because of the lack of connection between myself and others. I can make friends and follow the superficial uninteresting role of a 24 year old American girl and follow all of the rules that society says we should follow and fake a smile and fake interest in the most mundane things but it gets to be too much. To keep up with others around me is such a huge task, I have to force conversation with almost everyone. There are very very few people who could actually understand me if I chose to let them in. But I have found some who do understand, who do see what I see and can comprehend what I am saying although they do sometimes have a difficult time.

The way you described work is me to a t. I switch modes and I'm unstoppable. Everything is is blocked out. I'll have 10 minor anxiety attacks before work in the 2 hours I'm awake but once I'm at work, for 8 hours I wont have one. It's like I shut everything off but the job and go into robo mode. Oh but when someone throws me off it infuriates me. I get so upset, they throw off my whole system and it sets me back. I have to like switch over from robo mode to something else and it's not a welcomed switch.

Journaling has helped my thinking process and learning process. Other than that I don't really know too much... My heads all over the place.

mgran

Thank you for your post! I have such difficult times keeping my thoughts in order and continuing them. They get lost so quickly but my mind is in over drive non stop so my thoughts change like it's going out of style and quickly I forget what I just learned or what I just thought. So frustrating.

I've tried the listening to learn approach a few times. It doesn't seem to work for me too well. It could be because most of the time I can not focus to listen. But my learning way is through sight. I don't know how to make it any better. If I see things I get it, I understand. Math was a breeze, all I had to do was see it written out and I understood why and how. But to actually sit and listen to someone tell my why or how was pure torture sometimes. I get the Charlie Brown syndrome (making that up) with the teacher where all you hear is "waaah waaah waah". I get that a lot lol

Good advice, I wish I could learn that way, I've tried so many times but it doesn't work. Not to mention my sleep is so limited when I do sleep, I'm completely out, I don't think my mind would notice anything around me while I was asleep

[gashly]

Thanks PurpleFlyingMonkeys! It's really nice to not feel like the "only one".

I'm like that with listening too.

I tend to process things when I do them myself. It's easier if someone shows me an example and removes themselves, but makes themselves accessible while I try to work it out and am able to ask a question when I get stuck. The answers need to be a bit short, because if they talk too long, then I can't keep all the information in my head, and only remember one thing they said.

I'm also very visual. If someone shows me how, chances are I'll get it faster. As long as I can picture myself doing it from the example.

I remember when I was a kid in kindergarden and I coudln't figure out how to tie my shoes for the life of me, no matter how many tricks people showed me. I was the last kid to get it. Even the teacher got frustrated.

I once remember my teacher not letting me leave the classroom till I tied my shoelaces, so while she wasn't looking my best friend in kingergarden tied them for me, as she always did, cuz I didn't know how. I don't remember how it happened, whether the teacher made me stay again till I could tie them and my friend patiently worked with me till I got it, risking getting into trouble herself for being late. But I remember that she was patient and non-judgemental, so I relaxed and was able to concentrate on what I was doing to learn it.

I was always told me I was smart in school, but not meeting my "potential". While I was put in accelerated classes, I still had problems with the work. I felt like I was bored in slower classes, but couldn't keep up with the faster ones. I would see other kids do homework quickly and efficiently while I'd struggle with the same thing. Sometimes I would process things quickly, and I'd be impatiently waiting for the class to catch up, other times, I'd get stuck on one thing then miss the rest of the class trying to understand what I missed.

Math was one of the things I'd struggle with most. Even the multiplication tables when I was really little. I remember one of my teachers pulling me aside because I was several assignments behind after she found where I had hidden my mathbook workbook in the classroom.

It's frustratingly murky, and I haven't figured out how to fix it. I was always envious of the kids in "special programs" who got the tools to do what I couldn't. There is something missing...

[newtus]

Originally Posted by gashly

Thanks PurpleFlyingMonkeys! It's really nice to not feel like the "only one".

I'm like that with listening too.

I tend to process things when I do them myself. It's easier if someone shows me an example and removes themselves, but makes themselves accessible while I try to work it out and am able to ask a question when I get stuck. The answers need to be a bit short, because if they talk too long, then I can't keep all the information in my head, and only remember one thing they said.

I'm also very visual. If someone shows me how, chances are I'll get it faster. As long as I can picture myself doing it from the example.

I remember when I was a kid in kindergarden and I coudln't figure out how to tie my shoes for the life of me, no matter how many tricks people showed me. I was the last kid to get it. Even the teacher got frustrated.

I once remember my teacher not letting me leave the classroom till I tied my shoelaces, so while she wasn't looking my best friend in kingergarden tied them for me, as she always did, cuz I didn't know how. I don't remember how it happened, whether the teacher made me stay again till I could tie them and my friend patiently worked with me till I got it, risking getting into trouble herself for being late. But I remember that she was patient and non-judgemental, so I relaxed and was able to concentrate on what I was doing to learn it.

I was always told me I was smart in school, but not meeting my "potential". While I was put in accelerated classes, I still had problems with the work. I felt like I was bored in slower classes, but couldn't keep up with the faster ones. I would see other kids do homework quickly and efficiently while I'd struggle with the same thing. Sometimes I would process things quickly, and I'd be impatiently waiting for the class to catch up, other times, I'd get stuck on one thing then miss the rest of the class trying to understand what I missed.

Math was one of the things I'd struggle with most. Even the multiplication tables when I was really little. I remember one of my teachers pulling me aside because I was several assignments behind after she found where I had hidden my mathbook workbook in the classroom.

It's frustratingly murky, and I haven't figured out how to fix it. I was always envious of the kids in "special programs" who got the tools to do what I couldn't. There is something missing...

OH MAN. THIS is me.
I've been called lazy a lot of my life. Math was exactly like this for me. Where you said you learn better doing things on your own and getting simple steps. Thats me, everyday. I'm ridiculed for this by the closest people and afar. I flunked out of college but I still want to go so bad. I love learning and I love school, but I can't work at the same pace as everyone else. It kills me. Immensely. The flunking stressed me out and threw me into one of the deepest depressions of my life. It wasnt until the last semester of my senior year I got put into a special programs program for people with emotional/behavioral difficulties that I started getting A's in everything and I was devasted because it only got that the last semester of my last year and it could have changed my life for college, I believe. I was at the BOTTOM 1% of graduating class and nothing in my life could have been more embarrassing and devastating to me.

[gashly]

Long ago I flunked out of college too, newtus! My family was disappointed and didn't understand, and I felt depressed as hell. I ended up working and going to school part time and getting my degree at a slower pace.

For some reason going to school part time in a continuing education program with people from different walks of life from age 19 to 65 was much awesomer. I found everyone so interesting to talk to and felt more in common with them. The classes weren't as tough as regular college classes, they expected that people were working and/or had families to attend to, I took english/creative writing classes, so basically I ended up doing well (no math).

I had been thinking about going back to school when I wanted to change careers. I don't think I can handle grad school. And I'm not confident enough about what I might want to study.

What did they teach you in the programs that helped, newtus?

[brackenbeard]

I've been studying an article on the connection between thinking and feeling recently, and what I tried to do was memorize the information and then put it together in pieces by saying it out loud. In doing this I wanted to demonstrate understanding. I actually got really into it by sort of pretending I was a professor and was trying to teach students what I was studying. It's difficult though, I mean, whatever I seem to study never sticks. It feels like I'm not building on what I'm reading, ugh. I don't understand it one bit.

My question really is what do you do with that information once you've learned it? When I study stuff about feelings and thinking my instinct is to say how do I apply this to my own situation, with my own illness. I don't somehow buy the notion that what we learn can't be applied to ourselves, but how do we apply it to ourselves in a sensible fashion? My biggest problem sometimes is wanting it all at once.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by gashly

What did they teach you in the programs that helped, newtus?

In the Special Programs program? It wasn't so much what they taught as much as what they allowed me to do. I also have extremely severe social anxiety. I rarely leave my house. I had always sat at the back of the classrooms. At the back AND in the very corner (if I could). I would have numerous panic attacks at school. Almost everyday. I started skipping my senior year because they panic attacks were so bad. I couldn't walk down the halls, talk to teachers, I had only one friend because of it. Which I had met when I entered middle school. Most everyone, even teachers, thought I was mute/had selective mutism. I was scared to talk, yes, but also being in the presence of others just killed me (still does).

BUT, like I was going to say. They allowed me to stay in one room and the teachers had aides that brought down my work and others students who might have been in the program. I was extremely more efficient, happier, and so much less nervous. I was allowed to work at my own pace like that. Got all my work from all classes in the morning, stayed in one room and did it by the end of the day. I worked better by NOT being instructed and had better quality work. People close to me do not get it. Instruction is good, yes, but over-instruction is brainkill for me. Also, got extended lesson time, and was allowed to do my tests alone or at a scheduled time alone. There were other things/perks/whatever. I also finally had a place to eat lunch . There were 4 or 5 other students in there, but I felt so at ease, because they all had emotional difficulties, too, so I had people to relate to.

Although, in the long run, it did not help a thing. All those A's for the last semester of my senior year still only barely passed me and I was still at the bottom 1%. If I hadnt been in there, I wouldve still been in high school an extra year. It was all by accident, too. A regular teacher aide, not the regular teacher, but a regular aide, told the program director that I might need to be in it, because I was skipping class a lot, and I had heavy (like severe) panic attacks in class. I was going to deny them putting me there, because I thought special education was for mentally hadicapped people who couldn't talk, or feed themselves. I had no idea.

I was put in a math class two grade levels below me though, which did not prepare me for college and failing multiple math classes in college flunked me.

After I flunked college, I was convinced I was dumb and useless to society. I had my whole heart set on going to a university for a degree in film, and I even changed it multiple times. I love school so much the last time I checked on my status I told them I will do anything, I will take any class if they just let me come back in. They did not.

I was in college for 3 years as a freshman. I only earned 3 hours. The three 3 years I had multiple panic attacks, and had more psychotic episodes, in school, too, not just outside of school . The stress wasnt from the work but my wanting to do something so bad and trying, yet knowing, I was going to be kicked out soon (all this on my 3rd year). By now, I think I just kept working for closure within myself and not for school by the 3rd year.

Eventually, I attempted suicide from this depression of failure and the psychosis, but obviously, I did not make it. I never went to the hospital though, I woke up in my vomit, and...well...I still do not see my life as much of anything anymore.

[PurpleFlyingMonkeys]

Newtus, I am so sorry for all of that! School is such a hard thing. People don't realize it but it really is. You think because you're an adult the pressure will go away from when you were in high school but the pressure just gets more intense. You have to worry about doing well in school when the work is really difficult, you have to go through torture with all the paperwork they give you and all the running around you have to do. Then if you're like me you have to work while you are in school. And if you're like me again you have to work, take care of a 3 year old child by yourself and go to school. And you have to decide on one thing, out of the billion things to do that will make you happy. That alone is rather difficult for me and causes me to not do as well.

Have you considered for now enrolling in a community college? I have social anxiety as well. I was the kid in the back of the classroom in the corner slouched as far down as I could covering my face with the books. I had the biggest fear of people being behind me, it would send chills down my spine any time someone would move behind me so I couldn't sit up front. But the teachers never understood this. I tried to tell them but most of them would force me to sit in the front row. Every one of them it seemed, even when I got into college, all saw so much potential in me but seemed like they never thought I would reach it. The strange thing is, in my college algebra class the teacher pulled me to the side of the class and asked me to switch classes into his other class. I had a friend in his math class and she was always talking to me during class. It would bug the heck out of me since I love doing math and really wanted to pay attention but none the less I completed that class with the highest grade in the class. I aced it with ease. He would assign homework but it wasn't graded so when he would ask if we did it I would be honest and say no. I had a newborn at that time and didn't have time outside of school really. He would tell everyone "It's not graded but if you don't do your homework you're not going to pass this class. It's all the information on the tests." and then I would pass the tests lol. I was somewhat cocky of my intelligence in that class so I kind of rubbed it in to the teacher when I would pass and hadn't done my homework. He didn't like that. But I'm getting off topic lol. So he pulled me to the side and asked me to switch classes telling me I wasn't reaching my full potential and could be doing so much better. He wanted me in the other class where my friend wasn't in there. I refused and completed the class with the highest grade.

They always told me I wasn't reaching my full potential and it made me mad then. Now it doesn't because I see how they are right. Even the college teacher was right. In elementary school I maintained the highest math grade throughout the school. I was in advanced math classes throughout elementary as well. I was one of only 8 students in my state to be placed in an experimental math program in the 6th grade where starting middle school we started with pre algebra. I loved it. I love math. Well we all moved shortly after I started the program just a couple months in and left the state. When we moved to Florida they didn't have the program and just put me in basic math classes. They didn't even have advanced math classes at that school. At first I did really well in math. I had learned everything they were learning a couple years before in my math groups. I averaged 112% in my math classes through the 7th grade. When I hit the 8th grade I was tired of doing the same thing for 2 more years that I had known before I even started middle school and it went down hill from there. I started skipping school in middle school. By high school my social anxiety went through the roof and I went through a lot of traumatic times and continued to skip school and not do my work. I would do it if it interested me but I wouldn't turn it in. I hated the system for giving me something than taking it away. They would put me in advanced classes and then 2 weeks before the semester ended they would remove me from the class and change classes saying they had a age limit on the classes and I was too young. Even though I was acing the class. At one point, they changed my schedule so late in the semester when I started the new classes one of the teachers told me point blank I would not pass their class I had missed too much time. I was FURIOUS. I was in drivers ed and moved mid semester. We did 3 days driving 2 days classroom there. Well when we got to the new school they did like 3 weeks driving 5 weeks classroom and the driving part was over and it was just classroom time. I would have been ok with that but you can't pass drivers ed without passing the driving portion and since I missed it I failed drivers ed. And they wouldn't let me change classes they just made me take the f.

Reasons like this I think are a huge factor in why students do so terribly. The teachers look at the students as a whole. Not realizing each individual student is different and has different potential. Not realizing that each student learns differently, at varied paces. It makes getting motivated to go back to school even more difficult.

But have you ever considered online classes? So far I've taken psychology philosophy and history 1 and 2 online and it's worked pretty well. I prefer it because you don't have to deal with all of the people but I could not take it for some classes. Some I have to see in front of me in order to understand it. Like math which is why I took that one in the classroom.

Maybe start with 1 or 2 online courses at a community college and go from there? When you start doing well and are on a roll it will give you more confidence in what you are doing. Don't let your fear keep you from acchieving your goals.

[newtus]

Well, when I said last time that I went up to the school, I meant a couple of weeks ago

This past spring, I failed out. They are saying I can only take two classes right now, one of which I can't take online because its required now that i've failed. I hate THAT. I HATE THAT. I'm definitely not in a position to be around others. I wish I had never taken those math classes. The rule for this specific school was that I need to take my math class with all the others, because it was a remedial class, until I pass it. I failed it so much I cannot take it at the school anymore, and the other colleges are farther from me because I live in the rural. I'm talking strictly community colleges, here, too.

who the F fails out of community college

The only class I ever passed there was online. I only had problems with math and english. Math because i'm not good at it for some freaking reason that seems extremely crazy. Long story short, I literally used every resource at the college AND private tutoring basically, so 4-5 resources each week for weeks, and I still didn't get it. I'd never remember how to do stuff, so each week, I literally had to start from the beginning of the book again, or skim it heavily. I had to do math in summer school once (in high school). Very strict. Saturday and Sunday mornings for FOUR hours....and yep, passed with a 70. JUST BARELY, and I didn't mess around and play games. They didn't allow you to talk to anyone or mess around, they just didn't and no one did, you also had a limited number of bathroom breaks. Ok, so SAME type of algebra in college, and I fail fail FAIL, too!

I don't understand. I used EVERY resource, I was locked in summer school doing it. I've been doing the same math level since almost 8th grade, and I can't do it? This is beyond me. I think I might actually be dumb. Seriously....

English was only hard because my concentration level was/is non-existant pretty much. They put me in remedial english, and i only did one paper, some homework here and there and passed with the highest grade. College level english, I flunked it twice, so I cant take it at that college anymore.

Anyway, the lady basically told me I was wasting my money continuing. I know no other alternative, other than military school (NO), a private specialized technical school (NO, because I can take the same classes at community college for thousands less), OR another county college (i cant drive because of current things going on, so online, but I have no clue how to transfer all of that because i've been on academic probation). This seems so much like a hassle.

It just kills me everyday, and then to sometimes hear my parents go on about other peoples young adults who have already passed college. I want to kill myself, because they think I am lazy, but I'M NOT. I DONT KNOW WHAT THE 'F' I HAVE TO DO TO SHOW THEM ALL THE 'F'ING STEPS I TOOK TO PASS IN COLLEGE AND HIGH SCHOOL. THEY DONT GET IT. ONE OF THEM SAYS THEY UNDERSTAND BUT THEY HAVE KEPT BRINGING IT UP SINCE I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL. They say "well why didn't you tell me?", I say almost EVERY TIME, "I HAVE TRIED TO SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL.".

This accusations of my being lazy and my buying into their thinking is what drove me to suicide. THEY STILL DONT GET IT. Whatever I feel is "not really how I feel" because "i'm better than that", or "I am smart and should know what to do" or because "I'm different and should know better"

Now, since I'm 21 they say that now that I am old enough to know what I want I should know what to do, but I DON'T. I dont know what to think or how to feel. They said that when I was 17 and 18. I have no clue what point in my life I missed that I was ALLOWED to feel some helplessness and get help. Now I'm lost. I have no clue WHAT to do with my life. I am beyond lost and life doesn't matter to me anymore. Life help almost seems irrelevant now.

This feeling transcends beyond school and schoolwork, obviously. I was allowed to let out my feelings as child, but only certain situations. Trauma to me was rarely if ever talked about. Some emotions weren't talked about. My mom didn't pay attention to me, she divorced my dad as a child, blah blah blah.

Anyway. All I know is....emotion...It's been largely repressed in me. Which I feel often leads me to want to hurt other people severely to the point of breathless life...lets say. That's my only concern.

By the way. My GPA stands as .3

Yes, you heard it right.

.3

[gashly]

newtus, do you have a therapist or someone to work with regarding your anxiety? It sounds like when you're not so anxious your performance improves a lot.

You seem to be riding yourself pretty hard about this. I find it next to impossible to concentrate when I'm anxious. I've been told that it can have a big effect on your performance. Your body is so busy taking care of other things, that I'm sure focusing on reading a book is the least of your mind's worries.

BTW I'm almost 40 and don't know what the eff to do. I don't think most people know by 21 either.

If you met someone going through a similar experience as you, what would you say to them?

[newtus]

Originally Posted by gashly

newtus, do you have a therapist or someone to work with regarding your anxiety?

If you met someone going through a similar experience as you, what would you say to them?

Yea I do have a therapist at the moment. I mean honestly, i've given up on working with my anxiety really, because I'm not sure, but I feel like everything that makes me not function well stemmed from my childhood. Just like an early age thing. Even at this age, because I had some traumatic things going on a few months ago that has changed my view of people and life for the rest of my life.

But, im not sure what I would say to someone with a similar experience. I've come across people with one or two experiences that I share, I rarely, if ever say anything. I'm speaking in real life, because i've shared here and there on this forum for example. But I have no useful advice to give, because i'm not on a committed path to helping myself. Im apathetic towards most of everything and everyone. I've been in 7 hospitals and had many therapists/psychiatrists. I'm on the end of the mental health system spectrum where I've been screwed around nearly 100%. I've havent entirely given up. I don't have hope anymore, but I can't give up for good until I get answers to things that keep hitting my curiosity about myself.

[gashly]

I think what I was aiming for when I asked what would you say to someone in a similar experience was more that it seems to me that you are very harsh towards yourself, and was wondering if you saw yourself from the outside, would you be gentler.

I remember talking to someone who was training a new person, and she realized that she was so patient with them, and would not say the harsh things she often told her self, to them.

After that realization, when she caught herself thinking harsh thoughts about herself, she'd think about what she'd say to someone else if they made the same mistakes, and realized there was no way she'd ever treat someone else that way, so instead she tried reacting to her mistakes as she would react to the mistakes of others, and found that being gentler to herself made her feel stronger and more confident over time.

[newtus]

Originally Posted by gashly

I think what I was aiming for when I asked what would you say to someone in a similar experience was more that it seems to me that you are very harsh towards yourself, and was wondering if you saw yourself from the outside, would you be gentler.

I remember talking to someone who was training a new person, and she realized that she was so patient with them, and would not say the harsh things she often told her self, to them.

After that realization, when she caught herself thinking harsh thoughts about herself, she'd think about what she'd say to someone else if they made the same mistakes, and realized there was no way she'd ever treat someone else that way, so instead she tried reacting to her mistakes as she would react to the mistakes of others, and found that being gentler to herself made her feel stronger and more confident over time.

OH
i apologize

hm, well...
to be honest...
im more likely to be impatient with someone
so, id probably be harsh...
but id regret it
though i dont regret being harsh to myself.

[costello]

Originally Posted by newtus

though i dont regret being harsh to myself.

Try to offer yourself some compassion. Much easier to say than do, I know. I'm also very hard on myself at times. Less so now than when I was younger. I used to think I had to be perfect all the time. Now I allow myself the occasional mistake.

About knowing what you want to do when you're 21: I didn't decide to become a librarian until I was 30 or so. I'll be 50 next week, and I've been bored with librarianship for some years now, so I'm trying to decided what to do next. It served me well for many years - paid the bills and made me feel like I was doing something useful. Now I'm ready for something new.

I hadn't a clue what I wanted when I was 21.

[faerie_moon_x]

For the original question, this is me, too. I only am diagnosed with bipolar. But I've been wondering if others have this issue. It has been getting worse for a few years.

My thinking is "slipping." I feel it going. I get more and more forgetful, too. Like another poster said. If I get distracted I forget what I'm doing. I forget what I'm saying. I forget what people tell me. I lose my purse, my keys, my shoes. I have trouble explaining things and people get annoyed or just kind of smile and nod.

My thoughts go so fast. It is like a radio in my head and the dial keeps flipping. I want to be a writer, but I can't focus on my writing. I used to write for eight hours straight. Now my ideas come and go so fast.

I have to break things down when I'm doing bad. Like, reading. Has to be short. Other times I'm fine.

Also organizing things is hard. Putting away laundry. Keeping my desk clear of clutter, etc. I get really frustrated with these things. I get in trouble at work for being disorganized. They want me to take a class to learn how to organize.

Also the camera thing. I've had that (delusion? paranoia?) before. But I was only eight years old. I believed my classmates broke into my house and installed cameras in my bathroom so that they could watch me and make fun of me. I worried about that until I was about eleven. Sometimes I would check outside before going to the bathroom for the "unmarked white van."

[karenintheory]

When I'm poorly I find it hard to track my thoughts and organise my behaviour. For example, I forget to put out the bins, start cooking, then forget there's anything in the oven (thank God for fire alarms). I go with my bank card to the phone to pay my bills, then forget to. I'll start writing a letter that's vital to do with my benefits or debt, and realise two hours later that I'm staring at the wall. Housework suffers as well... I start doing the dishes, then the phone rings, and after I've hung up I've forgotten what I'm doing. I'll draw a bath and forget to turn the tap off, and come into a room swimming with hot water...

...sometimes in a crowded venue it becomes very difficult for me to process what people are talking about, and I'll shut down. I have to force myself to interact with people, and the result is that folks think I'm aloof and uninterested. In fact the problem is that listening to all those voices (not to mention my own) feels like there are lots of radios on at the same time, and I can't tune out any of them.

Wow, it could have been me writing this. MHPs keep mentioning schizoaffective but for the moment I still have a diagnosis of bipolar. Maybe if they talked to me for more than five minutes they'd change their minds huh. Thank you for this.

[newtus]

i remember a lot of times even right now i would be so completely disorganized in my thinking. for example i put my milk up in the bathroom cabinet and dishwasher soap in the fridge.

@dark_heart_x
i was nine when i started believing cameras were in my house but i thought my parents were spies for the government. i looked for unmarked white vans too and black lincolns with black tinted windows. i still fear stuff like this.

[faerie_moon_x]

Originally Posted by newtus

i remember a lot of times even right now i would be so completely disorganized in my thinking. for example i put my milk up in the bathroom cabinet and dishwasher soap in the fridge.

@dark_heart_x
i was nine when i started believing cameras were in my house but i thought my parents were spies for the government. i looked for unmarked white vans too and black lincolns with black tinted windows. i still fear stuff like this.

It's not just me! That is so good to hear! I'd never heard anyone say they had issues like that at so young an age.

My major (possible) psychosis revolved all around 'spies' moving into my neighborhood when I was 18. They were "draining all of the goodness" out of the local park, and they knew I knew, so they were out to get me.

And I can relate. I've put random things into the fridge, too. Like keys and sunglasses. My big one though is often I put pizza boxes in the oven, then I don't know they are there and I turn it on and everythign starts to smell like buring cardboard.