Roll call

They have a smiley for everything!!

http://www.soarerworld.com/forum/ima...ies/finger.gif
(Not putting the actual image because it's rude)

And I can find you worse ones than that.

lol... Well, I'm too lazy to use anything not available on the little smiley menu here.

When they made me see one, it was a bunch of questionnaires about my mood, my psychotic state, some kind of 'danger to self or others' assessment. They took a medical history and did some very basic medical tests - like they took my blood pressure. They asked a few questions about whether I smoke, drink or take illicit drugs. Then they asked me a bunch of questions about how I spend my days and what I like to do and what I find stressful.
And you can tell them about your voices or not, as you please. Remember, they can't make you take drugs if you don't want them and you're not trying to hurt anybody -- so it should be 'safe' to tell.

That's probably a wise form of laziness, frankly.

Anyway, I came in here to say that i had another miserable day, but this exam went better. Two of the three questions were directly related to what I did my undergraduate dissertation in, so it was really easy. I won all kinds of prizes for that dissertation, so I'm sure I passed this exam. Buuuuut I broke a fever this morning and I am one sick lady.

Take care of yourself, fish. Do you have any more exams coming up soon?

Three more next week: civil advocacy, civil litigation and evidence, and the professional conduct one. Then I'm a lawyer

Professional conduct is all about not hitting people, not cheating people, and which people you can't rub your genitals against. It won't be hard. I'm worried about civil litigation though.

hm. im well aware i suppose.
just extremely nervous.
maybe they cant now.
cause they arent being sent my history.
luckily.

idk what it always is about trying to play it safe so much with that 'intent' thing.
other than bypassing committal.
i actually wish i could tell them how i really felt.
but ill be in hospital so fast i couldnt blink. a LOT.
i do really wish i could openely speak about it.
i told the last therapist this. then she asked the 'intent' question. i denied it up and down. even though the answer was 'yes'.
i started lying after i went in the 4th time when i was 15 or 16.
i learned fast.
i suppose ill tell the truth if i feel id end up in a bad place. idk...i dont want to be seen as weak. i grew up a tomboy. still am. im not lesbian or anything.just a serious tomboy. (thats what you can get from being raised really by your father with a mother always skipping off on parental care).

anyway
i remember bashing someone in the head in high school with a t1 calc. throwing desks/chairs at teachers, even in hospital at staff, stuff like that.
out of fear.
of people
and the situations id be put in.
i got tackled by two men when i tried to escape an adolescent ward.
i peed on floors
im not...idk..
im...not proud of this stuff.
no. im not. at all.
i guess what im saying is....
im afraid of myself
im impulsive
so when i have these thoughts
i sometimes ask myself 'when should i tell?'.
do you know what im getting at?

I'm worried about where I'm going to get £600 to buy my wig and gown, too. Sigh. Money.

Meeting new people is always nerve-wracking, hun.

I think most of the time, they're legally obliged to ask - like, they'd lose their jobs if they didn't ask. I think the way to talk about it is to finesse things a bit. Instead of saying, "I want to do [awful violent things] to myself/others", say, "Well, I would NEVER do these things, but I think about [awful violent things] an awful lot and it's really troublesome and I'd like to get help."
And try to appear docile while you do

Yes, I think one thing that living under constant threat does is make us good liars. I became an excellent liar in the hospital, amongst other things. If you tell the doctors what they want to hear, they leave you alone -- even though destroyed your soul to agree with them, if only outwardly.

Tomboys are so much fun! I'm a bit of a tomboy, got more girly as I got older.


That;s tough beans, hun. You must be a really strong person to have lived through that.
Yeah, I know what you're getting at. It's tough to know how to act when every mental health professional comes armed with a huge amount of coercive power. Maybe getting a case worker like Costello was mentioning would help you. They're a lot less formal and more concerned about helping you cope day-to-day than the Pdocs or the nurses.

I'd be surprised (and worried) if you were proud of these things. But I really really do think you should be proud that you want to change them That's a big step, and a big commitment. I wish you could talk to people about them, too. Well you can talk to us chickens but I'm not sure how much help we'll be.

Oh, costello, I meant to ask you if you've described anywhere the regime of diet and supplements and stuff you have your son on. I know we've talked about it a bit but I feel like I want more control over myself than I've had the past few weeks, and I'm looking for new ideas.

f**k it.
its not gonna change.
i mean. you know.
legally...they have to ask.
so ill always deny.

i think i kinda know my future.
jail or hospital.

god...
i wish i could come clean so bad.
it only makes things worse.
but the worse part is
i really cant.
you know

i supress my anger and sadness mostly.

There are some people who aren't required by law to disclose unless you actively threaten to hurt another person. People like priests and rabbis are one group, but you might not want to talk to them.
Usually, the people who man suicide hotlines and other crisis hotlines are another. You could ring them? I think www.befrienders.org lists all the crisis hotlines by location.
Neither of those groups offer real counselling, but you could just talk.

bullocks.
im not that stupid.

Why is it stupid to ring a crisis hotline?

my fault really.

but in reality you cant tell them the truth.
at least where i am if you do they will involuntarily commit you.
and someone whose like me who tries to avoid it. it doesnt help.
but to me it doesnt help anyway even if i didnt avoid it.
i never found help with that from meds. i mean the way i personally feel..
...and i really havent said how ive felt..so.yea.

i should prob get off here for awhile

Sorry. That made me think of this site: http://whitewhine.com/

That's what my son does too. I always tell him not to suppress it and not to act it out. The middle way.

Remember Shoe used to say: "What we resist persists."

Yes, it is probably the stupidest thing I'll ever complain about. :P
Somebody call the whaaaaaaaaaaaambulance.

Here.

Here. Want to go curl up and cry and sleep. Finally got up the courage to call psychiatrist (several mths ago my pcm(primary care manager) doc wanted a full psych eval done. After several battles with incurance company finally got approved and pcm supposedly faxed necessary referal info to him. Then I didn't follow up for a couple mths. Finally gave him a call today to see if he got the info and if the referal was still good. Called during lunch time so I knew I'd get the voicemail (that way he can look stuff up before calling me back). Plus I can usually handle taking phone calls better than making them. I thought getting this done when I had the courgae would make some of the anxiety go away btu now I'm freaking out. What if the referals no good anymore and I have to do this all again? What if they are good and I get an appt with him. What do I say. What do I not tell him. I know I should be honest. But I'm worried he's going to hospitalize me or something. I don't think he would, but I'm worried about him asking me about my feeling towards my toddler. Everyone tells me I'm a good mom, but I feel so mentally damaged that he'd be better off dead, or adopted. I know I'm not going to kill him, but I honestly think he'd be better off that way. Not that I can even imagine the pain of losing him. I'm not abusive or neglectful, but sometimes I worry that I'll lose it one day and go off my meds or do something else equally stupid. As much as I feel like I'm falling apart right now, I know he has a cold, and I wouldn't want to have a sitter watch him or take him to a friends and expose him to other kids. My only friend here IRL has a three month old having open heart surgery in less than a month so I know I can't expose them to this bug, minor or not. These are the days I really wish I had no child and could just medicate until hubby comes home. And PMS really isn't helping things right now.

very loud and not listening to me today. effort maintaining.
hope all here are feeling better soon.

i just wanted to say..
if i am not on here for a couple of weeks
im in the hospital