Roll Call 14

Mother Nature sure has crazy mood swings this week.

Yeah no kidding! Monday and Tuesday felt like they'd never end because it was so flipping cold and I couldn't go outside. Now it's raining and in the 50s... much more tolerable.

Yeah you actually sound pretty unique too---are you NOS? But yeah I know there are people who hear voices who don't even get a psych diagnosis at all because they are functional. I really haven't read much about the relapse/remission rates, but it seems like most people have some sort of residual hallucinations in between episodes based on everything I've read. Thats what I was actually thinking was so unique about didgee was the spacing of the episodes and I think lack of hallucinations in between. The one case I read about like that was Mark Vonnegut who had a long enough break to be dxed with sz then recovered for like 10 years went to harvard med then had another break. But yeah you don't sound like you actually fit any of the DSM categories at all---but of course I'm not a pdoc so disregard my speculation.

thanks guys

the injection might kick in tomorrow or next day idk. it takes a few days to kick in once i get it. im so scared. ive always been afraid of meds. i wish they didnt up how often i get it. :/

my T says i cant blame everything on medication but i said its ruining my life and she said "you must mean your illness is?" and im thinking *no the medication is!!!*. the illness has ruined my life. it really hasnt.

i swear if i just had more support i bet i wouldnt need much medication and stuff like that. probably wouldnt even need therapy. i must admit my therapy isnt too helpful but i let things out in there. i just wish i had a real life friend to let things out to. sit down to coffee and let it out. u know?

Dallas, Texas weather

yea 71 one day 53 the next.

Damn, it looks like spring there in Texas!

not quite yet. wasnt it just 9 here a few days ago cracking.

I think it was 15

This is interesting. If patients aren't supposed to have insight then why do psychiatrists ask them if they are hearing voices?

It is very irritating. I feel like I am being tortured. I really need to get past this BPD diagnosis. It is hurting me. I feel it in my stomach.

How were your hallucinations explained to you during your last hospitalization?

Psychiatrists rarely ever listened to me. Everything was blamed on my apparently flawed personality. They would tell me there was nothing they could do, yet they kept prescribing medication.

I don't go to Emergency for psychiatric reasons at all. I haven't in about 15 years. Presenting to the ER with suicidal ideation without psychosis pretty much guarantees a PD especially if you are an autistic women. The last time I went the doctor was surprised to learn I did not have a reason to feel depressed. Do I need a reason? It was like he was waiting for me to tell him I left a relationship or was feeling abandoned because I got into a fight or something like that. Suicidal ideation related to interpersonal reasons indicates BPD. My psychiatrist told me this.

If you have insight into your hallucinations some psychiatrists will call this dissociation. They then interpret that as poor sense of self in the BPD diagnostic criteria.

I don't split. It isn't in my nature. My relationships (the few that I have) are stable. I am not an erratic and chaotic person trying to fill an empty void.

My biggest mistake was taking antidepressants when I was a teenager and telling them exactly what they wanted to hear, not what I was genuinely feeling. I admit telling the doctors what other patients would tell me. My reason for this was I had no idea what I was feeling and how to describe them. I really regret this and for hurting my family.

I am livid right now. Thanks for putting up with my posts.

yea see something like that.

but i dont like it when people say the weather is "bipolar" or "schizophrenic"

im sorry @didgee

bpd sticks around. for a long time.

i remember being asked if i had magical thinking by my nurse and im like "well what exactly is that? idk?".

im always asked if i have voices and command hallucinations.

she asks me textbook questions

I have been troubled with residual symptoms since I last got ill. Usually they don't impair my functioning unless I get a flare-up, which is why I have had to take antipsychotics from time to time since then. Because my hallucinations usually don't really interfere with daily life, I don't mention them.

A college has a limited amount of majors to study. A university is a larger college with Many more subjects to get a degree in. At least this is my understanding.

I know of one college in Massachusetts that has been around for many years and just recently became a University because of the increased amount of courses/studies.

oh. And I think college is 2 year, university is 4 year.

People who have never been given a BPD label have been blessed by God.

I don't know what magical thinking is. I have seen the term in the description of some of the PDs especially schizotypal but never for schizophrenia.

They basically told me it was all in my head and that I was just having a mood episode. They acted like you can't have psychosis during a mood episode. Idiots!

I'm sorry you're feeling so angry but you have every right to be. I'm not putting up with your posts, I like reading them and you deserve support just as much as anyone else here.

I'm sorry didgee. BPD does have a terrible stigma, and it is not right for that to happen. I think it's because in the diagnosis it uses words like "manipulative" and stuff like that. It's hrorible, because those words are degrading and make it seem like people with BPD are doing what they do on purpose.

And, you know, I believe all people with MI shoudl be more like a community and family. We should all stick together and help each other. It doesn't matter what dx you have or why you ended up there. WE're all in this together to get better. And when our healthcare team fails us, we need each other for support.

Kumbaya my lord. Kumbaya!

im thinking about getting a new therapist but idk. idk because idk how well they will be with sz patients. but i want a new one cause my current one can only see me every 2 1/2 weeks.

My thoughts are racing so fast it's starting to get hard to concentrate on anything. I'm so angry. This is ********.

I called my pdoc and left a message. I'm waiting for her to call me back.

@Sometimes-i am unconcerned with fitting into a diagnosis. I've been coping with seeing and hearing things real only to me since childhood. I have no reason to seek treatment for psychosis. I'm a much better expert. i know this may change some day, but i think i am better off dealing as i always have until then. When i did have a true break, i found my way back. I know i cant count on that, but im also not going to count on my owwn failure. I have already survived a lot of terrible and strange things. I am nothing if not creatively resilient.

At one time I saw the description of borderline personality disorder and I saw that a few things on the list applied to my life. I had no idea about the bad status of the bpd label, if it existed at that time (late '80s?). I mentioned it to the crappy pdoc I was seeing at the time, that maybe I had that. (But I never respected that idiot). He casually responded, "You probably do." It has since then never been dealt with in any substantive form, but it's in the big psych workup I got at one point. I got a copy of it when I was leaving the region and wanted to bring my medical records. I read that thing and it had about 10 errors in it, and the BPD label at one point. But no one is ever going to see it, and it doesn't figure prominently in my life. The most important thing (apart from typical bad pdoc shenanigans - I could write a book, if only there was a way of making it entertaining/inspiring) -- the only important thing was that I addressed those elements from the diagnostic list and fought them by building alternate patterns. I'm very determined that way, not to accept whatever crap life gives me.

But label or not, I don't think I've been blessed by any god.

Magical thinking is interesting to read up on.

Magical thinking - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I just want to add, since only now do I see what forum I am in, that I have never experienced sz or psychosis, but I've seen people experiencing such things. My sister has had some "beautiful mind" like behaviours and talks with me. She has severe problems. Unfortunately, it seems no one has been able to reach her. One experienced and eminent pdoc writes about being able to cut through schizophrenic patterns with empathy. You can read his description in "Heart of Being helpful" but probably also in "Toxic psychiatry," which I have not read. (Both by Peter Breggin.) Personally, I feel he is a great man and a figure I hope will be more recognized in future, but of course our society prefers something technologic that can be sold, rather than cultivating the difficult human skill of empathy.

I would think it doesn't so much bother them personally, or if it does, that is irrelevant, but since their job is to help you do better psychosocially, coping with and to some extent fitting into social norms is a critical skill. It's adaptive. Doesn't mean you permanently change yourself, but you fit in and are able to access connections, roles, information in the world that is dominated by people.

What triggered this?

Wow, that psychiatrist had such a simplistic explanation. Reminds me of the diagnosis machine in Idiocracy. (That's not a compliment!)

Have you ever heard of Rat Park? Wikipedia has a big article on it, but the gist of this scientific research was that drugs are not that addicting if someone has a rich environment. This is the basis of my belief that the wrong environment causes many self-destructive behaviours/habits, and the right environment cures many, if we can stay in it enough. Think of how many of us feel in a natural place such as a forest or by a lake or river. It's healing. It's fitting. It feels sane. But stick me on a bus with people bumping me and I can get rabid pretty quick. Or a big party. I want to shut down, and only a supreme effort and years of training makes me able to cope better than that for a little while. I expect this relates to psychological problems well beyond addiction, as well.