Roll Call 14

My step dad caused my psychosis I know it and now he and my mom are working together so I can go back to hell. (...old life )

He wants me to die. He said "If you are depressed you should cut yourself" I don't know my mom, brother and sister were there but they said they didn't hear anything and then my mom says that he's so sad that i "think" i heard him say that that he can't even work and he's in tears. BS. He's a complete sociopath and he has control of my mom and my sister he bought my sister a TV for christmas and got me a shirt he wants me agitated to my death. He beats my mom really bad and she doesn't do anything about it.. but neither can i because there is no proof and she got my dad arrested for attacking her only once because she was crazy and he was drunk so that shows how much control my step dad has over her. He didn't get arrested when he attacked me because I attacked him.

I was getting better when he moved out and she promised me that he wouldn't move back into the house but she promised before and now I'm dealing with this again. Of course I will move to another relative but what about my sister he mentally programs her making her vacuum the floor many times in a row until he feels that it is clean makes her cut the grass with scissors, swears at her to move boxes around child abuse.

I can not control myself when I am around him I am a different person I just watch myself get agitated I can't help it like when my mom said she would never get back with him and she's always over at his house i confronted her she lies when i know the truth so i walked off in pjs bear feet and they use that against me by calling the police and saying that im unstable so if i go nuts again they will put me away so i will lose another year of school so i stay at the house where they can continue to get support from my dad..

He is a threat to me. He has two houses now with my mom because of his tactic used (sociopath), 3 trucks one car and they took all 120000 dollars that my dad sent over 5 years of child support and spent it on what ever over the year i dont know where it is i dont even eat much I CANT STAND IT IM GOING NUTS BECAUSE they say that too much food gets wasted in the house? how can 120000 + 80000 a year be spent on family food I know she spent a few thousand of it on a surprise to bring his daughter and dad over twice (they didnt go because of what he did = wasted plane ticket) and they blame me saying that she wont afford food unless my dad pays more money and his life is ruined when she cheated on him, sold the house his bmw car took half his money swiped my post secondary education fund clean totals lots of money takes my money at the same time 1000 promised to pay it back nope. My dad can't buy a car or house or my mom will use the law to make him sell them.

Mom says she can't afford food but what is she doing this weekend?? going skiing 6 hours away with my step dad.. They are also going to THE BAHAMAS later on to probably leave me and my little sister alone with strangers that are renting rooms in the house and previous tenants look through my moms and little sisters drawers and other stuff and one decides to drink not take his bipolar meds threatens my mom and goes off on a road chase. yes my dad threatened child services. Says she will have a babysitter while they are skiing. Doesn't make up for leaving us in the house at night alone while she's out all through the night with my step dad.

"forgiveness forgiveness!" they say "it will be good for your mental health!" as well as my psychiatrist who flirts with her :/

It's them they are crazy always drinking sneaking into my room and stealing my clonazepam.

Many other things as well I'm getting my dad to file a restraining order against him.

i smoke real cigs.
half a pack a day almost

Yes. It will clear your system faster.

ETA: I see that S.p. already answered this and provided a chart (? - I didn't follow her link). I found a chart once about this too. Couldn't find it again this morning.

Elyn Saks takes 40 mg of olanzapine which is twice the recommend max dose, but she's also a very heavy smoker.

When my son quit smoking last year, his pdoc lowered his dose again in order to adjust for it.

i see.

thats really interesting

couldnt sleep last night. very much.

really paraniod right now.

. So first I have no idea how the records in Canada work..are they national? Here I the US all you would have to do is never mention that doctor who gave you the bpd diagnosis and no one would know about it because records can't be transferred between facilities without permission due to Hipaa.

I've only had one episode of psychosis so I have no idea on what happens between episodes I think a lot of people here have symptoms all the time and not just distinct episodes that's why I think you are unique. I still have mild hallucinations on rare occasion...I heard whispering this weekend briefly and like two months ago I heard knocking.

I don't think the topic of the effects of smoking on anti-psychotic dosage gets enough attention. So many people with a sz dx smoke. I'm glad my son's pdoc was aware enough to make an adjustment when he quit.

The whole thing with not allowing smoking in psych hospitals, for example. Even if you can get the dosage right in the hospital, which you can't of course, as soon as the patient leaves he or she will likely resume smoking, changing the AP's effect.

Also, a couple of years ago the public housing in our town prohibited smoking all their units. I understand their point of view, and they're not saying you can't smoke outside, but I wonder how many of their residents are mentally ill, smoke, and take APs. It's not a trivial thing.

I think I've been listening to my French CDs too much. I automatically translated your post into French.

Je vois. C'est vraiment intéressant.

lol costello

its 60 outside today! yayay!

That's very interesting about smoking, I had no idea. I knew that it's common among people with MI, even my mother-in-law. She's been in hospital a bunch of times and was on an AP until she lost her prescription coverage.

I am interested in this. I see things that others do not and hear voices daily, but this does not generally interfere in my ability to go about my daily tasks.
I have only experienced a couple episodes where my thoughts and beliefs became so unusual and so far from reality that i was unable to function for an extended period of time. For myself i am considering extended days/weeks not months/years. I do occasionally experience brief episodes of this but by brief i mean minutes to hours. But that is rare.

No records are not national or provincial. I never sign 'release of medical information' forms for any doctor and haven't in over 15 years. I refuse to.

I wish the hospital would give me my records so I could burn them.

The problem with BPD is that a lot of psychiatrists think patients who have it are trying to manipulate them or they just want attention. Some don't consider it an illness so patients are blamed for their behavior and are despised by staff for it. They want to get rid of BPD clients ASAP. Psychiatrists tend to be nasty to this "patient population".

Once you have a BPD diagnosis it is nearly impossible to get rid of it. It taught me to lie about my history and not to seek help when I need to.

My hallucinations remind me of the BPD diagnosis. Because I have insight most of the time, which apparently isn't supposed to be possible this makes me question what is going on with me (When I was ill I did not have insight). If I mention this I am scared it will be blamed on BPD or some other PD. My autistic traits make me appear to have a PD, because I am loner who is different and not very expressive. It bothers psychiatrists because I am not the "norm". Why should that bother them? I have no desire to conform. It isn't who I am.

I feel amazing. Now if only my thoughts would stop racing, I just can't stop talking. I wrote a mini novel in one of my many blogs and yeahhhh. I can manage it though! I haven't felt this good in forever, not since July I think. I just yeahhh I feel so ****ing great!

now its cold and rainy ugh. cant trust texas weather

It's cold and rainy here too it has been for like a week now I don't know what the deal is. I want some ****ing sunshine! Like hello weather what the **** are you doing? I want some SUNSHINE. Some warmer temps would be nice too, it's so ****ing miserable out. The weather needs to cheer the **** up.

i want sunshine too

is it ok to say im still stressed over this medication thing?

It's going to be warm here today too. I'm glad for my chickens. I even put Bill and Ted outside. They're two young chickens at an in-between age. I keep them in when it's cold and put them out when it's nicer.

Of course it's okay to say that. Your feelings are completely valid and worth being heard and expressed. You're a good person newtus and it's okay to talk about how you feel!

Yeah I hate the way they treat BPD----so for me in terms of insight I really had none while I was initially ill---once I got on meds and was still experiencing hallucinations I knew 100% of the time I was hallucinating---its actually way more irritating I have to say. But yeah you can have insight its just that a lot of people don't, its not ruled out or anything.

Yes--I'm still stressed for you and glad you are posting today

Yes.

When I'm miserable over something I can't change, I try to reframe it in some way that makes it more tolerable.

Also, seeing the other person's perspective helps as well. Like S.p. said, the doctors and nurses aren't free agents either necessarily. They're caught in the web too. Limited by the system. Limited by their fears. Limited by their knowledge and the information/technology available to them.

We're all just kind of doing the best we can with what we've got, playing the hand we were dealt.

It's cold and rainy here. Though, at least the wind chill isn't like -40 below like it was Monday and Tuesday.

I'm so sorry you've been going through this didgee, the stigma against BPD is truly just awful and the fact that it's not even the correct dx for you sucks even more. I was misdiagnosed with BPD too so I can relate to some of what you've said, like being taught to lie about your history and not seek help when you need to, oh yeah. Having insight into psychotic stuff, I can relate. I didn't have insight for a long but now I do and it's weird. Like when I'm hallucinating, I know I'm hallucinating and I've had doctors completely dismiss me before because I had insight(that happened this past October/November when I was in the hospital). It sucks.

I don't want you to be "normal", you're an awesome person just the way you are and I'm really sorry you've been treated like **** for so long because people just don't understand.

I know right? It was pretty brutal over here on Monday and Tuesday too.