Roll Call 19

something very embarassing happened in college one time. i was in a class and was completely psychotic. standing by the window in front of the class the whole time. then i asked the teacher where his car was. and he just looked at me real crazy.

I'm all for churches paying taxes. Maybe they wouldn't hog real estate like they do here in the Midwest.

I had my first psychotic break at work in front of my supervisor. I hear your pain.

The clients were saying really bizarre stuff to me and I demanded that I be allowed to go home.

people are inserting thought of suicide into my mind and its driving me crazy i feel on edge like i am breaking down maybe its best to give in to them T says es very worried and to take mre meds but they arent helping i have to go see te pdoc with him tomorrow. but how am i gonna get thru tonight without killing ymself. dont know.

In high school I was walking home from school. Apparently I was talking to myself and my friends mom saw me and then makes fun of me to my friend while they were driving home from school. My friend told me about it. Not sure why but it made me want to slap a bi_ch.

Try taking ONE easy neutral class in school to start? That may help.

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Im talking to both u and Rrex.

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Hi punky. Nice to meet you.

I am too ill to be understood by these so called normal people I work with. Do you ever get to that point where you are talking to people and you see they have never met someone like you and are floundering because your so much more powerful than them mentally, and the clarity and understanding you have of the world frightens them? But you forget they can't see through their fog of media fed garbage and all your doing is making them terrifies of you???

This happens to me a lot. It's why is so hard. To make friends for me personally

Wow, I understand this feeling all too well.

I'm the Village Idiot, so that's a no for me.

You can talk to us here junkdna.
(((hug)))

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I'm still thinking "what can I possibly say to junk to make him/her feel better". I'm pretty useless that way. I can barely take care of myself.

whats a neutral class?

i understand this very well

Yeah, :/ same here.

Ello Rrex!

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Here's something for a laugh

Here?s What Happens When You Ask A Bunch Of Adults To Label Male And Female Reproductive Systems |

@junkDNA, hang in there. Idk if you're agitated but if you're like me, realize that it's not you thinking. It's like a different person and there's no talking sense into. Make sure you don't take extra antipsychotics unless you're allowed too cuz you won't breath trust me it's complete hell. If you have benzos then that should make everything a lot better and then sleep. If not listen to music any type that synchronizes with your mood.

Hope Bean gets on fine in the hospital. All the best to you both

Yeah my voices sometimes make me believe that I don't deserve to take meds, or eat. It's hard to argue with them at times like that.

Sorry you're feeling mixed right now. I hate being mixed so much!



**TRIGGER FOR MENTION OF SUI**
So today I was out with my parents and we bumped into a woman my parents knew. She's the mother-in-law of this guy who committed suicide in Oct leaving a wife and 2 young boys. Apparently he was in the same ward I was in, and was actually a voluntary patient there when he killed himself. There's currently an inquest into his death because he was seen wrapping things around his neck, his wife warned the staff not to let him out on leave the next day as he was very suicidal, and they let him out anyway, where he then took his own life.

My parents were asking her how everyone was coping, and then my Mum outed me to this woman, telling her I was sectioned last Nov! I was so angry! Then we got talking about how the staff had failed this guy, and how they'd treated me. And Mum told her (a complete stranger as far as I'm concerned!) about my attempt on the ward and how bad the staff were...

It just brought up all these memories and feelings that I've been trying to bury, and I had to try really, really hard not to cry in the middle of a coffee shop Mum later apologised for outing me, and said that I'd been neglected lately what with everything else going on, asking how I was doing and if I was struggling. I said I was fine, though I'm not really sure if that's actually a lie or not. Then she asked if I would actually tell her if I was struggling, and I laughed which she, accurately, took as a no.

It's just so complicated...She's not well and really stressed, so I don't want to burden her or Dad. Then there's the fact that anything I tell her will be relayed to the CMHT, and I don't want that because I don't trust them. And then there's the tiny part of me that is angry and upset about the fact that she got me hospitalised and I had to experience all of the horrible things that happened there, and the fact that they (staff) completely dismissed me and now I have no one IRL I can talk to. It's just really hard right now

Also I've been telling myself that I'm going to go to the MH centre tomorrow and do some craft cos they've got an art/craft class...but now it's tomorrow and I don't really want to go :/ I'm scared of new places and new people, plus the last time I went to the centre to make mince pies, I felt like I didn't belong there and ended up running the cooking class because I was the only one (including the 'teacher') who'd ever made mince pies before! Right now I'd rather stay at home hiding under my duvet than go to the centre :/



*Willow*

I dont know what classas are available there but something simple. Read through what the school has to offer. Talk to someone in admissions who can guide you to an intrest. Ask for something with very little stress.

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When I feel agitated and/or suicidal I pace my room for hours. Maybe that will help you? Remember though, if you don't feel you can keep yourself safe 'til tomorrow, then go to the ER Really hope you'll be ok

Faerie

It takes me so long to write a post, it's ridiculous! You guys did 2 pages while I was writing my last post :/

*Willow*

Willow, I understand your heartache. My mother betrayed me in the same way several times. It ripped my guts out. She almost gave my private journals to complete strangers.

for you.

Plus my postural hypotension is back IDKY though cos I'm on barely any meds... Sorry for moaning so much

*Willow*

Thanks and back RRex

Do you mean hospitalised you, or outed you, or both (they both are betrayals of sorts really)

ETA: Sorry, somehow I missed your last sentence. Yeah that'd make me mad. Heck I'd be mad if she read my journals, let alone gave them to strangers to read!!

*Willow*