Roll Call 34

...........

did i say something to set you off atypical?

I'm sorry that happened to you. Mine diagnosed me as SZA even though I was doing a MSc part-time, so it varies.

Idk...in some respects I can understand why people don't take me seriously, because I am so controlled and so I suppress anything weird/impulsive/inappropriate. Years of bullying & ridicule taught me to blend into the background: don't do anything to stand out. Even around my family! They don't see me pacing with agitation/akasthesia. They rarely see me cry. I don't talk out loud to voices because I know (well used to know) they weren't real. I don't tinfoil my head to stop them reading my thoughts and punishing me with the fricking noise, however much I want to, because people will think I'm weird.

I was in hospital, hearing voices, thinking they were trying to kill me with ECT (wanting them to succeed), yet I still put on a nice dress, did my hair, makeup, nails for my brother's stupid engagement party (that I was guilt tripped into going to) and smiled for the pictures and you'd never know on the outside. I don't really understand how I am able to compartmentalise/control so much, but I guess I can understand how people don't believe me because they don't understand it either. Uni pdoc did though. He was the one who called it compartmentalisation - eg 'yes people are trying to kill me and I'm scared, but I have to go to Uni & seem normal, so leave the house and get on the bus and smile at the bus driver etc etc' idk, that's just how I am...

*Willow*

Lol, of course not.

Atypical, check ur mail. Kitty is sleeping...

i tinfoiled my head once and whole body. i also papered my whole body with newspaper to disguise my thoughts as newspaper articles. so they would steal the newspaper articles and not my thoughts.i know ALL about talking to myself.lol

hope your doing ok

I think I need someone to talk to. About anything really... Just someone to talk to.

I'm quite alright, thanks.

I have had depersonalization a few times. It seemed to happen a lot when I was 25 and 26 when I was ill. It went away when I was put on olanzepine. Apparently it can happen in people with psychotic disorders. Severe anxiety can cause it too. Some therapists will automatically assume there is a history of abuse but that isn't always the case.

Derealization sounds scary. How do you cope with it? I have never had that. Something similar happened when I was 26. My body and mind were being controlled by a other worldly being and the world around me appeared fuzzy. It was like I was between two universes.

That was a good post. I wanted to reply to it.

Did I trigger you? I'm sorry if I did.


I think that is why I am not taken seriously either. I tend to keep my personal problems to myself. Whenever I go out I am usually well groomed.

Whenever I get agitated I have to rock or pace and force myself not to throw things or punch the walls. I do not want the neighbors to call the police on me. I'm terrified I will be forced to go to Emergency. I will not go to a hospital for psychiatric reasons.

I live alone so no one really sees me at my worst. My mother usually knows what is going on with me though.


I just learned something new. I did not know there was a term for that.

You didn't trigger me, I just felt kind of exposed... I don't like talking about how I was misdiagnosed...

What do you want to talk about? We could do it on roll call? Or do you mean like a T?

It depends what you call abuse I guess, but I don't consider myself abused in the past & I dissociate sometimes. Twice I have actually lost time and that really was scary! I 'woke up' hours later having driven, then walked the second time, a few miles away to my 'safe place' on campus by the lake. I could've killed someone in my car/gotten run over, but it's like your conscious mind checks out and your subconscious keeps you safe but unaware.

But I don't find depersonalisation or derealisation that scary. With derealisation, I just felt like I was watching a very realistic 3d movie. Sometimes it's paired with depersonalisation, but either way I have to keep reminding myself to watch out for cars etc cos I forget that everything is actually real & I could get run over.

It sounds different to what you felt like controlled by beings, so maybe that's not dissociative but psychotic somatic stuff, idk? I have felt myself dragged down the bed by invisible creatures (I actually moved down the bed!!), but that felt 100% real at the time, not dissociative. I still don't understand if it was a tactile hallucination/somatic delusion or whatever, how I actually ended up dragged on my back down the bed???

*Willow*

I'm not sure what I want to talk about. I want the company. We can do it in roll call. That's what it's for right? How've you been lately?

I usually look presentable too, but most people don't look too closely & notice that my teeth are unbrushed, I haven't showered, my hair needs washing. As long as your clothes look nice & unstained, you use body spray, and you act normal, no one looks too closely. No one really cares tbh. They're too focused on themselves.

I remember one time when I had akasthesia from Abilify/aripiprazole & I had to see my CPN. I'd spent hours in my room pacing, that my family knew nothing about, but then I got to my appt and forced myself to sit still for our appt. Only my foot betrayed my agitation, but he never noticed. I told him of the pacing & agitation, but he didn't believe me. I know I probably should've just thought 'screw what he thinks' and paced the whole appt, but I just couldn't let myself expose so much of myself like that. So I held it in and then went home to my bedroom and paced some more :/

Idk if I explained it well, but compartmentalisation is when you put something in a box/compartment inside and, even though it's still there in your awareness, you ignore it and act however the situation demands. So I put all my crazy in a box and pretend to be the capable person people expect. I learnt to do this as a little kid though, so idk how to stop it now. But also I feel like, if I could stop it, which sometimes I could and eg be withdrawn with pdoc, then I feel like I'm faking being depressed or something. I've been pretending to be what others want for so long that I don't know if I'm just 'giving' pdoc depressed/crazy me because he's a pdoc and if I act normal, he will dismiss me as normal...idk, it's complicated & I don't fully understand it myself so it's hard to explain.



*Willow*

That's ok. Yep, that's roll call

Lol I'm not really the best person to ask that Q...I never really know what the right answer is! Lol

How are you? What have you been up to lately? I made leaf bowls out of air-dry clay with my craft class on Monday. You press a leaf into the clay & cut it out so it dries leaf-shaped with the vein indentations in it. I think they're really cool. I put a pic up in the happiness thread the other day. Other than that, I've been trying to make a card for my friend, but keep getting the measurements wrong. And I've been listening to loud music to drown out the outside noise which was freaking me out. It seems to have stopped now, thankfully!

*Willow*

Lol there's never a right or wrong answer to that question. The clay thing sounds pretty cool. I'll check out the Happiness thread and check it out.

As for how I am... I went to an anime convention with my ex boyfriend. He took another girl to a formal dance and gave her flowers and everything. I've gotten upset and cried the whole weekend. Then I upsetted my ex boyfriend and that girl because I mention to that girl that him and I had sex after breaking up with each other. I wasn't thinking when I said it and I have my ex boyfriend mad at me for all that went on that weekend.

Well, I feel that if I say "I'm fine", that I'm minimising, but then if I say something more honest/negative, then I feel like I'm whining, so idk! Lol

Wow! That sounds like a rough weekend I've never had a proper bf, so I can't offer any relationship advice, but I'm sure you'll work it out once he calms down. It sounds like you've been quite close for a long time, so hopefully it'll all work out. Do you have any other friends you can do stuff with?

*Willow*

I guess all the bullying I endured in school and my psychiatric misdiagnosis can be considered trauma or abuse. I know I don't have the kinds of problems that people tend to post in the psychotherapy forum.

Losing time sounds so scary. I never experienced anything like that without being acutely ill or using a mind altering substance. My dad lost time when he drove to Ottawa when my sister was in a serious car accident and required emergency surgery. He has no psychiatric history whatsoever.

Is that like a visual distortion? Objects appear to come alive and standout. They seem to have an aura and can sometimes vibrate.


My experience felt real and I had no insight when it happened. I just went along with it.

I'm not sure what a tactile hallucination is because I never had one. The closest experience I had was feeling like there was a straight tube that connected my mouth to my ****. There was no stomach, and small and large bowel inside my abdomen.

Another weird but different experience I had was with a fan. I heard voices in the noise it made.

Yeah, I see what you mean. It never bothered me if someone was honest and wasn't feeling well but I can see how saying you're fine can be just don't want to talk about it or that they really are "fine".

Yeah, we've been very close. We dated for 5 almost 6 years before we broke up and we then became friends with benefits for a while. Still attached to him.

Yeah it can be considered trauma/abuse, but I suppose not everyone develops attachment problems from it depending on age & quality of other relationships etc. I don't relate to the 'I hate you, don't leave me' BPD push/pull that's common in the T forum, and it gets heated over there a lot, so I hardly ever feel safe enough to post.

Yes, dissociation is very common, even in non-MI people. Loads of people drive to work without being aware of their route etc which is mild dissociation, and it's common in acute stress like your Dad's situation. It's very scary when you realise what has happened in the time that you missed though!

No, not for me. It looked completely real, like a film, but I just knew it wasn't real. I don't know how/why - nothing about the environment looked abnormal, it was just that I was perceiving it as not real. The closest I can approximate it to is a 3D film in the cinema...



I would call that a somatic delusion rather than a tactile hallucination, but I'm not entirely sure. A tactile hallucination would be feeling something, like bugs crawling on your skin. Feeling a chip inside your head would be more of a somatic delusion IMO because it's a belief rather than a sensation (you can't feel your brain), same with your experience of your intestines being missing. That's my understanding of it, but I'm not a pdoc. But mine called my belief my brain was rotting a somatic delusion because it was a belief about my body, rather than a specific sensation I was feeling

Quote:

Originally Posted by The_little_didgee Another weird but different experience had was with a fan. I heard voices in the noise it made.

My printer used to regularly talk to me when it was on. I always considered that a regular auditory hallucination, because what it was saying wasn't related to the sound it was actually making (ie it wasn't an illusion, me mishearing the printer noise into words).

I think that's understandable when you've been close so long.

Sorry, I feel like I'm taking ages to read & put my thoughts into words and reply to everyone :/

*Willow*

It's cool... you're reading and replying to a lot.

And the triggering outside noise is back again! I will be so glad when this thing is over with, but it's another week or so :/

*Willow*

What noise is triggering you?

The thing is, if I say what the noise is/what the event is, then it identifies where I live :/ But it's really making me feel more surveilled and anxious and unsafe. I keep putting my headphones in so I can't hear the noise, but then I'm worried that I'll damage my hearing because it's been my go-to for years to deal with voices etc. Plus I'm having problems hearing words, but idk if it's my hearing (because if you lose the high frequencies, which people often lose first from sound damage, you can hear speech (low frequencies), but can't discriminate the speech into individual words), or if it's yet another problem with my brain being screw-y??

Do you have any plans for this weekend?

*Willow*