Roll call 55

i have an NP appt tomrrrow and therapy the next day.

Ack that would depress me. I hate the rain unless I'm able to sleep, I love to sleep when it's raining.

I didn't go to school. I can't concentrate when there's so much of a lack communication with me and the outside world by going to a police station and telling them. I really don't care right now. They can all die of crack OD. Not my problem. If someone wants to do crack, it's their decision but ya I agree.. Not in a * psychiatric hospital.

If I want to do it my way, by slapping on a dose of all of my meds and it works, leave me be.. Therapy doesn't work for psychosis. I tried. It was like talking to someone in a different language. It's a disease and neither does psychiatry in how my first psychiatrist just didn't mention anything and let me go 3 months didn't check my weight because he'd be observing 6 months then and have control and power to say "You have an eating disorder" if I lost weight. No I do not I don't .. What?? It's either his way or the highway. I don't like asking for pills for my illness. It's humiliating. Especially when they say no.. Then I feel helpless. Respecting myself would be to just not take them. But I'll wait to see my new psychiatrist.

Everyone is trying to outsmart me to have control because I can't put my thoughts together anymore. I don't feel like arguing because it's not aknowledged and unfair. I'm nice to people and I won't change that but the hospital was overload.

I will stop my meds later in time because all of that Klonopin worked like a catalyst and BOOM, I'm off the rails. Maybe that's what I ment by telling my therapist about being tide to light posts and rail grids with my body parts falling off .. Idk I'd be way behind in the class for "The disturbed children" idk I forget the name newtus

I'm going to spend a few days working on my mental health and explaining to people what is actually happening in my head when I'm trying to explain something. It could be OCD where I worry about yknow what screw this when I'm forced to take a shower and take medications me what ever I only have a slight .. Wow .. I got lost in a sentence that I was using to explain the previous.

Idk what I wrote because my iPhone is glitching.

me too! except thunderstorms

Had pdoc appointment today, got my monthly shot like usual. Will be completely off Depakote by this weekend

Newtus I feel your pain, it's been raining on and off here for about a month. Even on nice days the heavens will just open up periodically. Can't wait for Summer this year, I hear it's on a Wednesday!

the longest day of the year is june 21st! sunday. fathers day.

Door2015 sounds like alot of fun and sense of freedom

hey guys. im back home. got up early this morning and went to see T. we talked about my anxieties about people dying. he said some good things about it. i will think about them more. we played cards while we talked. i told him i was anxious about seeing the NP after our appointment. well i saw her and it went better than expected. she didnt bring up klonopin and i opened up to her more. it went well . i was surprised. i texted T after my appointment with NP and he said he is proud of me.

i have to work 5 to 9. my mom seems ok. my sister got another art show at a cafe. she does these really cool collages.

T keeps wanting me to work on my schema mode art project....its hard to get started. he says just start...i guess i will just doodle something and go from there. i want to do it, i have lots of great ideas, but putting them on paper is hard.

also my summer class starts tomorrow. its a 16 week class condensed into 10 weeks. and its all writing papers. so im a bit nervous

Like, let's think about this. Dig up grave yards for their sweet juices and land for expanding cities and throw the bodies in a river for fertilization.

That's why food and water should be illegal.

Kinder eggs with the toy inside are illegal in the states. I'm going to smuggle a truck load and put them on the black market because that's a damn load if cigarettes. I also want to buy bananas in Canada and ship them back to their homes because they are mushy and do well eating rotten btw I only have one cuz they looked like green peppers. It's good that I transport cigs cuz when I see transparent eggs, I have to leave the gifts alone to get melted and burned In the sun so when I opened it, I'll put it in a bag of chocolate, open the truck container and burned their faces.

It was the banana that caused all these problems. I was doing a nice thing and got stabbed in the back literally by a drunk psychiatrist that just didn't care about his patients as if he ever did. He's ok now. He went to Hawaii to chillax with his millions.

I want a boat but I want it on land at the same time that I want a boat just because

Soz just bored waiting for my mom to pick me up...

Good fishing yesterday. Today is really sunny as well 15C. Two days ago it was 3C.

SUMMMMERRRRRR whabaBab

Just practicing my interview. (I'm gonna say a bunch of bs probably)

What sort of interview?

A cop will ask me questions on what happened in the hospital where a taxi guy was apparently selling crack but keeps taking off with the money. I think the guy buying it kept the money or something.

This happened last time where a cop asked if I want my step dad to leave the country or not because of his abuse. I said no because my mom told me that I couldn't do anything in court but now I know that it was in my power to let him stay here.

I don't want to get into legal ****. If I'm not getting money back from it, I'm not going. If I have to be arrested then fine but I'm still going to keep quiet.

That hospital is very safe. It's the patients decision to go outside. No ones stabbing eachother with needles and air and I think it's a great step for the mental health system because it worked pretty good.

That sounds quite frightening. It feels the sort of situation where you should have a lawyer or something, to keep them from screwing you over.

chickenfoot im gonna have to get the witcher next month when i have enough money

I'm guna ask my cpn if there are any groups for either people with schizophrenia or general mental health problems in my area. I want to meet people I can relate to and talk to about things.

i found 2 spiders in my house in the past two days.

they are coming out of the woodwork for the season.

I did the math. I have 13 hours of free time each week where I also have mental acuity. This is my window each week to work on my book. My book will take 300 hundred hours. This will take me about 6 months. So by Christmas I will have a decent rough draft. I can do this. God, it's going to take so much time and effort. I have 92 pages in prose, half of which have turned into lyrics with end rhyme and alliteration and all the other tricks of the trade. Themes are pretty ****ing great. I've read quite a bit of great literature and I'm going to have to say this is pretty ****ing great. Okay, I have a big head but don't I have to have the confidence?(!) if I don't then Ill dwell in doubt and it'll never get finished!

Six months. You're no longer a construction worker. You are a writer. I can do this.

<inhale-exhale> Feeling the pressure.

Heard!! (kitchen lingo)

newtus u look a LOT Christina from divergent i lov Chris she is just so cool

Now I can just forget about the past. I'm better than "THERES NOTHING WRONG WiTH MEEE WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE SO MANY SHOWERS" for sure.

At peace now. No more crack. No more stimulant abuse. No benzos, needles, credit cards, opiates, pipes, pen tubes...

They're doing an investigation for the taxi guys. I think he lied and manipulated everyone. Nice.

I won't get in trouble because of sz.. This label has helped me with knowing the right treatment. I went in the right path just a bit of turbulence along the way which won't stop. But I survived a super OD of Klonopin, Got better, 100 pdoc psychologist and therapy sessions.

Anyways, I plan to be successful in my way ie enjoying life. Depression and anxiety I don't get into because it brings anhedonic symptoms but I might stop the high dose Prozac. It was just stress that made my OCD go full on I think. If it's too bad, I'll go to intense therapy.

I'm drowning in the things I've done wrong. I hate this.

I can relate. Right now, I'm able to breathe but it has been suffocating. Hang in there, you will get through it! Sending positive vibes your way.

That's the past. I did some really screwed up things as well. I even tricked my mind into believing certain things. I'm still delusional just a bit. But any energy you have, use it to get better. Make small goals for yourself. That's what I'm doing now.

It's about the good things that you and other people do to build you up. Think why are you drowning and grab anything that can help you stay afloat. Survival and reproduction is what life is unfortunately but you can make it more than that.

Thank you Zeus and Tweaky.