Roll call 55

Thank you! I'm so afraid all the time. I just don't know if I'm ever going to come back to myself. And I'm getting very old waiting.

thanks guys im nervous

You're welcome. I wish I knew what to say that would help. I know benzo withdrawal is hell, I forgot a dose just once sometime last summer and the next day I was violently physically ill and psychotic as hell. It was awful, I'm hesitant to even start tapering because I know I'll get withdrawal symptoms even if I taper as safely as possible. I could punch that doctor who put me on this stuff in this first place. I hate it, I hate how it makes me feel but god ****ing forbid I just stop taking it because now I have this physical dependence that I didn't know would happen when I started taking this ****. Nobody told me how physically addicting benzos are, I didn't even know what benzos were when I first started taking Klonopin. It makes me so furious when I think about it. Just UGH. **** this.

You have my sympathies, seriously.

I'm planning to start tapering this summer so I'll likely be a mess.

I'm sorry you're nervous, anxiety always sucks.

If you do it super slowly I don't think it will be too bad. Think in terms of taking a year or two to get off it. That's seriously not too long when it comes to getting off benzos and it shouldn't be too bad. ((Hugs))

this is the first time my dad isnt going with me. he usually sits in the waiting room waiting for me. he wont be this time. neither for my therapy tomorrow or the next time.

Yeah, my psychiatrist thankfully knows what she's talking about with this sort of thing and understands the danger and how to do this safely. Right now is a good of a time as any(because no time is "good" when you have a serious mental illness pfft) for me to start tapering, and like you said I think a year is reasonable for getting off of it entirely. I'm not on a ridiculously high dose, a moderate one.

What dose were you taking before you were taken off of it?

Oh I see, no wonder you're nervous then. You're not used to this so of course it's going to not feel very good at first because it's a new thing.

I was on benzos for 30 years and in the past 10 years I got on horribly high doses, like 17 mgs/day of Klonopin (don't ask!) but I worked it down to 4 mg/day on my own. I was on 4 mg/day when that NP decided she wasn't going to write it anymore. She wrote drug seeking behavior on my chart so no one would prescribe for me. It was after I said I was hoping to get a car - I think she thought I'd have a wreck because of the Klonopin and vicodin but I wasn't taking much vicodin and I was adjusted to what I was taking and not "out of it". I drove fine on Klonopin. It's now that I'm useless. The changes in my brain function are profound and I'm useless now.

She didn't know about my history with benzos because I hadn't been in this area long. I really wish her bad things.

After she decided she was ending the Klonopin she brought it down to 2.5 mg/day, and then just stopped and left me high and dry to die.

how are you feeling atypical?

Oh my GOD, wow that is quite a story. I've never been above 4mg of it thank god but still, that is what I'm taking now and I know from missing that one dose last year that I will go into acute withdrawal if I stop taking it abruptly.

I've tried cutting my dose in half before... turned me into a psychotic insomniac... well, more of a psychotic insomniac,.heh, but still it ****ing sucked and I didn't realize it was withdrawal until I took the other 2 mg because I was desperate for sleep. Yeah, benzo withdrawal is no ****ing joke.

I'm so sorry this happened to you, frankly I had a horrific NP from 2010 until early 2013 and she's the one responsible for getting me hooked on a higher dose of Klonopin(I used to only take 1 mg). She was an idiot, decided that giving me benzos would make me sleep when well they don't because I have a tolerance for them now and benzos should be a last resort for a patient who can't sleep. There's so many other things someone can prescribe someone for sleep other than drugs that are so addicting and dangerous! But at the time I didn't know how dangerous this stuff is. All the stuff I know about medications now is from doing extensive research in the past couple of years. Ugh... I hate that NP's, pdocs, etc don't ****ing TELL you how dangerous these meds are!

I'm doing well mentally for the most part, even if a bit wrung out and ticked off. I have a bad cold, due to allergies and the air quality being absolute **** over here like it always is in May. I got diagnosed with fibromyalgia on Monday and while I'm glad I know now what the hell has been going on with me physically, I'm not happy about this at all obviously... I'm really angry, actually. Thanks for asking how I'm doing, that's really kind.

I'm so sorry to hear you have fibromyalgia, atypical. Try not to worry about the benzos - it's not nearly the same kind of problem if you have the right withdrawal and tapering schedule. Yes, you will get sick when you miss a whole dose or get chopped up like I was, but if you have knowledgeable people on your side that shouldn't happen. I'm sorry, I get upset every time I think about her. Lots of hugs, I hope you'll feel better soon!!!

Ya I didn't know what benzos were when this middle eastern doctor prescribed a whole 120 benzos on her last day.

Thank you Angelique, you're very kind. I'm not used to getting any kind of empathy over my physical problems. I have a very extensive trauma history and I was reading about fibro and there's a correlation between trauma and fibro, it makes sense but ugh it sucks. A lot. I was prescribed Lyrica for it so I just started taking that, we'll see what happens I guess. I'll try anything at this point, I'm tired of being in pain and I'm tired of being so tired all the time.

Thankfully my psychiatrist will taper me off the Klonopin safely, so I'm not too worried. I just need to be patient about it, not my strong suit lol but I'll do my best.

This withdrawal **** you've been going through won't last forever, try to hold on. You can get through this. You're so strong for not giving up even though I know you often feel like giving up and wonder what's the point of it all. There is a point, it will get better. I really believe that.

Ditto, I was 16 when I was given Klonopin for the first time. Nobody told me what the **** I was taking, just that it would make me less irritable and less prone to catatonia(I was given ativan for the catatonia too in 2013 because it got really bad for whatever reason, sz/sza are unpredictable illnesses that just do whatever the **** they want to screw up your life, grrr). I'm 24 now, so I've been on Klonopin for... ****, 8 years now... ****...

Good morning!

Good morning Blue Bird!

How are you doing today?

Good I am hoping today is better then yesterday. I kind of had a meltdown yesterday

How are you?

I hope today goes better for you too, what happened yesterday?

I'm doing okay, my mood isn't exactly stable so that's peachy keen , but my psychosis is under control so that's the upside.

Now I'm having to accept that I have fibromyalgia... not fun, but it is what it is.

Thank you, atypical. I hope the Lyrica will help. It sucks to be in pain. ((Hugs))

You're welcome. And thank you, I'm pretty cynical about meds but I'm trying it anyway. What's one more pill? I was already swallowing 21 pills total per day so what's one more? Ah, the life of someone with a serious mental illness... ugh. #sz/szaproblems

Good morning guys, how's it going?

Thanks! I was really agitated and angry for no reason, I just felt like punching out walls all day. I withdrew from Depakote too fast apparently

I'm sorry about the fibromyalgia

Hey Door how are you?

Heya, I'm ok. It's been a bit weird lately, sort of detached. But! I just took advantage of the city turning the water off and installed a shower head. How's you're day?

Of course! I get days like that, where I'm just so agitated/angry... I'm pretty notorious for my temper to be frank. It's something I'm working on.

Depakote is strong stuff... I was on it for a few days in the hospital but I signed myself out AMA because they weren't giving me any antipsychotics when I clearly needed them. Depakote is a pretty strong mood stabilizer from what I've heard, I wasn't on it long enough to really find out but from what you and others have said on PC it seems like the side effects are just awful.

Thank you... It's pretty sobering but it does explain why I'm in pain and beyond fatigued(unless I'm manic heh) all the time even though all my old injuries have healed as much as they're going to. Sighing...