Roll Call 173

Screw them, newtus--you are doing great.

Stayed in bed until noon this morning. I didn't want to wake up in case I have a panic attack.. But I won't as long as I'm focused on the Vyvanse.. But when it wears off, I'm screwed..

I'm trying to be positive but I can't. Yesterday was the worst panic attack I've ever had.

I see my doctor tomorrow.

Lovely, newtus.

Normal people do not get us and most don't care, in my experience. Most people really only care about themselves.

You didn't! It's ok.

That's exactly how I got when I was young, with the most horrendous anxiety of my life. I hope they'll help you get rid of it.

So I think I mentioned here last month I contacted the director of data science for the company I work for on linkedin asking for career advice and she said to contact her in August to possibly set up a meeting.

I emailed her today.

Ahhhh!

So nervous now.

I emailed and then immediately shut down my computer.

My social anxiety is hoping that she’ll just email me some info instead of wanting to chat on Microsoft teams.

Still having anxiety and almost had another panic attack. I’m sure this all was triggered by my dad’s cousin broke into our house a few days ago. All the doors were locked (because my mom and aunt were away) and he got in using a small door in the backyard. This door is hidden, no one would normally notice. I just woke up and went downstairs when I saw him there. He saw me and was coming closer to shake my hand, he wasn’t wearing a mask and I knew this guy goes to the public places a lot, so I backed off and said “Stay there”. It felt like someone just put a gun on a my head. Not an exaggeration. I felt like my life was in danger. This guy is also mentally unstable. God knows what he could’ve done. He freaked my grandma out because he just came in and took food and just ate there without asking our permission first.

I pity this guy because his family kicked him out due to his inability to meet the family’s standard. My dad’s family have money and power. Most of them are politicians, lawyers, or doctors who got educated in Sorbonne, Oxford, or Harvard, but they are heartless and like to abandon children if they are “unsuccessful”. They like to have this black sheep of the family who they can bully together. This guy and my dad were one of the black sheep. It’s sickening. I’m so proud of my mom for door slamming that family. We might not have the kind of money or power that they have but she raised me and my sister to care about others. Me and my sister are also very loyal to each other unlike my dad’s siblings. But yeah even though I pity him it doesn’t make it acceptable that he broke in like that. He could have called us instead if he needs help and we would help. But then again he’s mentally unstable. My mom called him after that told him to never break in again. I told my mom to just lock the backyard’s door.

Sorry for the long post, just need to get things off my chest. I have so many emotions now I’m struggling to manage them.

I sent the letter that I want to say to my doctor including the "benzo log" from the past year to my mom and she printed it out at work.

There's no one that's going to be home on the weekend and that's when I have to work. I'll be alone. My mom said that she will call me to help get myself out of bed.

I feel very calm right now because of the Vyvanse and atenolol. When the Vyvanse wears off, it will be almost time to sleep so I'll just prepare myself for bed and hopefully not panic my brains out and eyes rolling to the back of my head and I die..

I'm gonna focus on technology right now like the new phones and tablets.. I want to get a good tablet like the new iPad Pro.

drinking some coffee

Yum! I😃☕️

I feel paranoid.

Hugs, Blue!

Ugh. So sorry.

Regardless of your faith, there is a damn good reason Jesus said it was easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven. Truer words were never spoken--as usual.

Still focused. No panic attack.

Not sure what to do though.

I’m so sorry 12

*hugs* sorry bb

**** yeah, cog! You're kicking *** and taking names now! This is what progress feels like!

I haven't cried in like a month. Bad sign. I can feel myself feeling quite sad.

But I'm just holding it all in. No bittersweet nonsense just pain.

YOU get *hugs*, YOU get *hugs*, EVERYBODY gets *hugs*!

Thanks! I’m trying to take steps in my career. School isn’t everything you gotta have connections

My sister is gonna bring me some ice cream next time she stops by. I'm not gonna eat it though till I'm done with this 21 days of no sweets.

took geodon and lithium, will take clozaril at 10pm

I did three quizzes today for my psych course. Feel I did okay on them. They’re multiple choice with some short answers. Some of the multiple choice are real tricky. The psychological disorders part was easy though hahaha.

Just have two assignments and an exam left for that course. The computer course I need to focus more on I’ve barely touched it. Switching gears tomorrow going to focus on that.

kinda wanna stay up

Same here. I want to stay up all night since there's so much I want to do.