Roll Call 173

I sat on my street and watched St Helens erupt May 18, 1980. Then, it started snowing. Ash.

Yeas, but have not taken it.

My blazers have a big playoff game now. Freaking out here. Albert seems not to fully grasp the gravitas of the moment. He has a green mousie.

My team (new orleans pelicans) arent gonna make it, looks like

Same here

Not doing too well. Just down because of things with grad school. I guess I feel regretful about it. I shouldn't, but that's the way I am. I am hoping I can do one of these intensive outpatient programs starting Monday. I just need something else, I think. In addition to outpatient therapy and psychiatry. I need to do something differently.

Also I wish therapists were available on weekends. Seemingly I struggle most on weekends...

I was seriously considering going to the hospital last night. I know I'm pretty vague about how I feel but I was feeling really bad.

What is it exactly about grad school that you miss?

Just the fact that I have something to do and feel engaged. I don't think they'll let me back in at this point, so it's probably moot to talk about, but I feel like just having something to do is good for me.

If that’s all it is find an online course through coursera and start learning now.....

Too many emotions at once at the moment. Making me feel restless mentally but immobile physically.

The problem is, that's not all it is. It's just that I have severe emotional problems right now. If I felt mentally normal, I would just start a course on Coursera or something. It worries me that I cannot just do something like that. It seems like way too much. And then I want to go back to grad school, which is a crazy idea because that's way more than I can handle right now. I don't know. I may need more care than I'm getting right now. It seems like I do.

Coursera is low cost and it won’t matter if you don’t finish....use it for entertainment purposes....in fact if you don’t want a certificate some of their courses are still free.

My sister said my Legend planner was delivered. Still waiting on my Yoga set. Once that comes she'll drop everything off

I hope I get the 400 a week next time idk I may not. It doesn’t seem to be implemented still. Sucks. I need a job, but I need a work at home job due to recovering yet again from the past 3/4 months of psychosis and now my medication change where I’m sleeping so much. Hm.

SP I know u mentioned student loans. I could see about that but I may not be going back to school til late September or late October. The school has until the 20th to review and send me my funds and that’s extremely doubtful to happen. But I realized I already did the orientation. Which is a week long. So I don’t need that. That helps push things up.

PM me Asp, I am around.

The panic attacks never end!!! I am panic attacks now!

I will identify with panic...

no.. dont do that... it ok.. it ok..

Beautiful. It just pulls you right in.

YouTube assails me with ads for drugs for schizophrenia. That might be one of them but I always skip past them when they come on.

Work was good.. But I worked really hard..

My mom and sister are both gone until Monday so I'm home alone. My mom told me to start cleaning some parts of the house for something to do.

I'll be cutting the grass tomorrow - Might clean the kitchen today and such, vacuum..

I'm feeling pretty good.

Just hope I don't get another panic attack when the Vyvanse wears off because I won't be able to focus. My moms friend is going to check up on me at night. There's food in the fridge..

I feel a bit scared being alone (Cuz possible panic) but I have alprazolam and zopiclone.

Deep breathing. Xanax.

Atypicals are the biggest revenue generators by far. Katrillions.

Take another Vyvanse at noon or 1? I used to do that w Adderall.

I think 50mg depletes my dopamine. 40mg doesn't.

Taking an extra 10mg every day takes more dopamine every day from my brain than what it can regenerate.

That's what I think...

It lasts ~9 hours and the wakefulness lasts 14 hours or so.. If I take 100mg, I crash and fall asleep after 9 hours anyways.

It's strange. I wanted to increase it to 60mg if I couldn't have a 5-10mg Dexedrine at the end of the day but that's basically running the engine without oil or coolant.

0.5mg last night killed my panic attack. That's all I've had in 4 days so it's good.

I think it's because I'm not that scared of panic attacks anymore. I just find them really annoying.