Roll Call 174

I might ask my doctor for diazepam again because it works better for mental anxiety.

****. My mom's cat is scratching at my sisters door. I can't take any more of this. I was up and going non-stop from 9am-2pm NO BREAK. Just non-stop moving, shower, hygiene, work, cleaning, eating, taking meds, walking, taking out the garbage, washing dishes..

And how can I relax? A beer? NOPE can't do that anymore because I have HPPD from psychedelics.

I'm sick of the mental anxiety. I don't have any physical anxiety but it hurts everywhere. I could barely cut the potatoes because there was so many of them and I had to stand up - Zombified on the Invega injection. It's like trying to do anything on risperidone.. You know what that's like? Right? Or something like that.. But I did it.. And now I have to panic as a consequence or something maybe idk ****.

I want one of those

Went and spent the day with my friend. We watched Jurassic Park and played videogames

I think the metformin gave me low blood sugar when I was there, because I didn't think to bring lunch along and all I had eaten was a small bowl of oatmeal in the morning. I suddenly started feeling hot and shaky and nauseous so I ran across the street from his apartment to the store to get something to eat then once I ate I felt better. I was worried because for a second I thought I was gonna puke in the store or at his place.

He has a really friendly cat named Poe, I hadn't seen him in a long time, he definitely grew. Was nice to see both of them

That's an excellent idea.

Somehow, taking a stimulant at bedtime seems counterintuitive. And you lied to your pdoc, 2.5 Xanax is more than .5.

Are you feeling any better today?

@bpcyclist all the sleep meds you listed the other day: remeron, restoril, seroquel those are all of the ones i tried, plus i think you mentioned a mood stabilizer too... I'm on one. Geodon is suppose to make me sleepy but it does't when I take it at night, only when I take it in the morning which I never do or else I sleep at work (literally). My pdoc wants to put me on Latuda and I will one I get health insurance when the market opens up. Ambien puts me to sleep but I wake up at 4am and can't fall back to sleep.

im feeling better mentally today, worse physically

Did you take anything last night? I hope you're ok.

Have you been on Thorazine? I'm on it for voices but it helps with my sleep too

Dinner was chips ahoy cookies

I didn't take anything that I don't usually take.

so sleepy

Have the window open tonight since it's windy out. Had a thunderstorm earlier.

Today turned out great...Starbucks latte for breakfast, Chinese for lunch, chili’s for dinner including cheesecake....

Went to the sculpture park and the river walk and a farm where I got some cherry butter. Managed to convince the bf hiding out wasn’t cool.

I've tried EPA fish oil for years, I don't know if it helped or not. I tried DHA for a little while. Maybe I should give it another go.

And I may try the coin toss thing. I have tried to work on this before in therapy, but it hasn't helped much so far, as evidenced by my indecision still. Oh well.

Thanks.

That's good.

Oh and also my pdoc just keeps changing things so that can't help either.

And I usually attribute everything to meds.

I feel like my pdoc makes counterintuitive decisions.

Like, he says things like "we should keep things the same" and "I think it's unhelpful to make so many changes so fast". Yet that's exactly what he does. I think the meds are a very counterintuitive science. It's the "damned if you do, damned if you don't" science.

I clearly don't understand his decision-making process.

I also don't think that meds can do everything. Don't get me wrong, meds have helped in the past, but they're not everything I do to keep my mood up.

I dislike how everyone around me acts like the meds are the only thing propping me up.

Yet they have terrible side effects. I just hate how my pdoc labels everything. It's like everything has to have a cause. Like everything I experience is able to be traced back to a cause. That idea is b.s. in my opinion. I also hate how every therapist I have had just says "oh well the meds clearly help you" to me. They are just the psychiatrists' parrots in my humble opinion.

People often use my words against me, including therapists. If I one time say that meds help me, they'll use those words against me. I don't know what I'm trying to prove here. Just trying to get my thoughts out.

Oh, bummer. Melatonin maybe?

The dha fish oil takes at least a month to kick in if not longer.....

Is your pdoc changing things at your request though or just randomly? If it’s at your request then that’s a responsive pdoc and often a good thing.

Meds definitely aren’t the only thing...I know that I use a variety of cbt techniques including self care and even a small amount of retail therapy.