I have been thinking about this from time to time and a lot lately. My question is: Is it possible that you can bring schizophrenia or psychosis on yourself? I mean things you did and thought in the past can cause it without you knowing that it could happen.

I know its not all my fault but I feel like I could have possibly brought it on to myself. I went through different phases of how I thought in the past 4 or 5 years and my whole life. In some of my phases I wished god could take me away from this world and bring me into a cartoon world and I wished that I could stay there. I prayed that I didnt die but that I could just be turned into a different reality, and now I am but its not what I wished for. In that phase of my life I was very alone and spent most of my time by myself in the dark so I needed friends since I didnt like anyone in this world, and my friends all seemed like they all changed and I didnt.

Another thing that I did is take drugs to take me to a different better reality. I went through a phase where I smoked weed and tried a couple different things to get high, but I didnt do any actual drugs other then weed. I also spent a lot of my day getting as far into some TV shows and animes and things that would help me imagine that I could be in their world instead of this one. All of that helped for a short amount of time but then I feel like I completely lost myself its hard to explain but I didnt even like those things anymore and I was permanently in a dream world that was bad most of the time.

[teejai]

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Pennkid said:
I have been thinking about this from time to time and a lot lately. My question is: Is it possible that you can bring schizophrenia or psychosis on yourself? I mean things you did and thought in the past can cause it without you knowing that it could happen.

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I think many people on hindsight could look at things and say if i hadn't done X i wouldn't be suffering from Y . Sometimes we are not privy to the knowledge that X may bring about Y.

Even if you had prior knowledge of measures to take to avoid schizophrenia or psychosis it doesn't necessarily mean you will do so rather than it means you may stand a better chance of doing so.

If you do turn out to be suffering from schizophrenia i wouldn't go laying a guilt trip on yourself.

Instead strive to find what helps you best be it medication or something else.

[spiritual_emergency]

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In your post Pennkid, you spend a lot of time talking about wanting to go to different realities. That suggests to me that you've not been very happy or content with the reality you were in. I know you've spoken of being depressed for a long time -- did you ever get to talk to anyone about why that was?

As for your question, can you bring this on? I think that's a good question. In the Voices of Recovery thread, I found myself asking and then answering the question: Could anything have prevented this from happening? When we ask these kinds of questions of ourselves I think we're trying to establish if we're at fault in any manner. I'm sure there are people out there who would like to tell us, "No, no, we didn't do anything wrong, it's not our fault" but the thing is, if something really is your fault then that means you have an element of control. It means that you're not just a passive victim that something has happened to. So I think it's a good question to ask because there's potential there for some of the power you feel you've lost to be returned to you.

Something I've noticed is if I get stressed, I might get to feeling a bit spacey. I suppose that if I wasn't watching my stress levels and I went through a bout of psychosis, it could be my fault. But that would also mean that if I paid attention to my stress levels and kept them under control, I could also quite possibly prevent a bout of psychosis.

In your case, you noted that you'd smoked weed in the past. Weed and psychosis have been linked so it's quite possible that if you didn't smoke weed, you might not experience psychosis.

All the same though, there's only so much that a person can control. Unforeseen events happening in my life could push my stress levels sky high; you might never again smoke weed and still experience psychosis. I suppose we have to take responsibility where we can and allow that we can't be 100% responsible all the time.

Maybe the question to ask at this point is do you still do the things you think might play any role in your later experience of different realities? You still seem not very happy with this one so maybe that's how you cope with your unhappiness. Maybe in order to come fully back to this reality you need to find a way to be happy here.

I know you said that your first bout of treatment didn't go well. I wonder if that's because you would have been under the age of 18 at the time. I wonder if you'd be willing to try some treatment again if you had more say and input into the treatment decisions. Would that work for you?

[RACEKA]

Can someone explain psychosis to me. How do you feel? Can you function? Do you know? Are there different levels?

I'm highly stressed. I feel disoriented. I forget what I'm doing. I don't remember where I'm driving. I get very shaky, etc.

Thx for the replies. Its not as much as a guilt thing as it is me just wondering if its possible or not. I realize that the past is the past and I cant change what I did and I should concentrate on now. There are a lot of things that I did that could have possibly caused it like weed, other drugs, longterm depression, extreme stress and not being able to handle it, the feelings to want to get away and be in a different world, times of isolation. But most of that was caused by a mental illness or some other illness to start out with so i cant just blame it on those things. I know weed has been linked to it, so I at least know it couldnt have helped but it did help me with depression and anxiety for a short amount of time.

Id be willing to go in treatment again but Im pretty sure I would never take medication again. Its good if some of you take medication and it helps but I didnt like it and most have too many side effects.

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RACEKA said:
Can someone explain psychosis to me. How do you feel? Can you function? Do you know? Are there different levels?

I'm highly stressed. I feel disoriented. I forget what I'm doing. I don't remember where I'm driving. I get very shaky, etc.

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I think everyone experiences different feeling with psychosis. What you are describing could possibly be psychosis. Im still not sure if what I have is psychosis or schizophrenia or what it is but I am pretty sure I have something. Theres really no way to describe it to people who havent experienced it, just a lot of weird unreal feelings.

How I feel is that I feel that I am in a dream a lot of the time, I get disoriented sometimes. I cant do physical things as good anymore and I get confused a lot. Its really hard for me to concentrate on things in this world and I find that I get lost in my mind a lot of the time, and I can stare at nothing for a long time. Other people will usually be able to tell when you are not right or not all there. I can function right now but only for the main things. The things I cant do are things like work or things where you have to pay attention. I hardly drive anymore either because of it.

Im not going to college because its impossible for me to concentrate and my grades were really bad because of it in high school. Another thing is I have no motivation, I dont really care about anything anymore, but it goes deeper than depression.

[spiritual_emergency]

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Id be willing to go in treatment again but Im pretty sure I would never take medication again.

That's good. That's a goal -- to get well without relying on medication. Do you know how or where to start?

If I were you, I think I'd start with a search engine and the local phone book. I'd use the phone book to explore local therapy options and I'd use the search engine to start researching non-medical forms of treatment. As but one example, you suffer with depression and exercise has been demonstrated to be helpful. It's a non-medicated method of treatment so that one could get written down on a list somewhere.

Maybe you could take that on as a short term project: to create a list of non-medication-oriented-resources that might assist you in moving on to the kind of life you'd rather be living. It might even be interesting to post the list -- you never know, other people might find it beneficial as well.

[spiritual_emergency]

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Pennkid: How I feel is that I feel that I am in a dream a lot of the time, I get disoriented sometimes. I cant do physical things as good anymore and I get confused a lot. Its really hard for me to concentrate on things in this world and I find that I get lost in my mind a lot of the time, and I can stare at nothing for a long time. Other people will usually be able to tell when you are not right or not all there. I can function right now but only for the main things. The things I cant do are things like work or things where you have to pay attention. I hardly drive anymore either because of it.

That sounds a lot like my first year or so after my break.

I attribute how I felt then to a number of factors. For starters, I wondered if I'd managed to fry my adrenal glands in the previous phase -- my ability to tolerate stress was practically non-existent. I also had very little motivation. I needed to rest a lot but not necessarily sleep a lot. In fact, my sleeping patterns were all over the place. I wouldn't have said I was in a state of psychosis at that point, but the boundaries of reality were a little blurry at times.

In spite of the apparent pointlessness of it all, there was actually a lot going on during that time. For one thing, my body was healing. To do that, it required rest. For another, I was doing a lot of active grieving, and that was neccessary too. That was also the stage when I began earnestly looking for answers for myself, which was also productive because that helped take me forward.

[RACEKA]

Pennkid,

I have a lot of the same symptoms you are describing. I do go to work. I'm lucky there that I have a desk job without pressure. I do a lot of just sitting and staring. I have a hard time with reality. I can't watch the news or read the newspaper. I can't deal with the bad news. The women at work seem to like to talk about devastating news, I get goose bumps and have to block it out. I can't handle it. I try to exercise, but when I get home I am totally exhausted. Sometimes I get up early and walk my treadmill before work. I'm trying to get me mind on projects at home. I don't want to talk to anyone or go anywhere. I just want to be alone. I feel so disconnected.

Thanks for the information and also spiritual emergency you have given a lot of good info too. Thank you.

Yeah it looks like we have a lot of the same symptoms. Its really hard to deal with for me. I would never commit suicide but honestly I cant live like this anymore. I do the same things everyday, nothing is fun, I can hardly even feel anymore, the last 4 or 5 years is just a blur, and my childhood is like some story that someone told me. I keep trying to make big changes but I never do and when I try nothing good happens. A lot of days I just feel like stopping, like giving up because its a challenge to do even little things. I mean its like mentally hard on me and I get exhausted with the smallest things.

I still have good days and bad days, but even my good days are horrible. Sometimes I just feeling like running away and leaving all of this behind, but then I realize that its my mind and that theres no escape from that. I dont know what Im going to do but I have to do something, noone should have to live like this. I still have some hope left.

[spiritual_emergency]

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Two questions, for both RACEKA and Pennkid, if you're up to answering.

The first question is, what do you have around you for support? Family? Friends? RACEKA, I get the impression that you live on your own, and Pennkid, that you're still living with family. Have I understood your personal situations correctly?

The second question is, when is the last time that either of you went to a doctor and had a full physical? I'm not a doctor, none of us here are -- but what if there's more than one thing going on for you? There's absolutely no reason why you couldn't have both a "mental illness" and an underlying physical problem as well, such as anemia, or hypothyroidism, or chronic fatigue. Treating one won't necessarily make the other go away but it might free up a bit more energy to deal with the other.

I'd also recommend that both of you check out your options for professional support within your communities. Pennkid, I can appreciate that for you, life has lost it's meaning and doesn't seem worth living anymore. I agree that that's not the same as feeling suicidal, but it's not a good way to live. I don't know what's wrong in your life but I can certainly see that life is not going well for you.

I can appreciate that you'd prefer to go the non-medicated route. One doctor I've heard of who prefers that is Dr. Bertram Karon. I know he's got a book out as well called, Psychotherapy of Schizophrenia: The Treatment of Choice. The copy at amazon is a bit on the pricey side (almost $40.00) but you might be able to find a used copy somewhere for less (here's one option that lists the books for $12.57) . Maybe his articles or books would be a starting point for you. You might even be able to write or phone him -- perhaps he could recommend someone in your area that might be helpful for you.

I'd really like to see both of you started on a path that is helping you in whatever way you need.

[RACEKA]

I have a T and a Pdoc. I haven't talk to them about this yet. I'm trying to figure out what is going on. I'm not sure what to even tell my T yet. I'm going thru abuse therapy. I'm divorced with a 17 yr old son that's using drugs. I work, but I'm lucky there is no pressure. I spend a lot of time sitting at my desk staring in space. I don't have much in the way of family and they wouldn't understand anyways. I am in N/A recovery so I do have a sponsor and support there. I haven't talked about this to anyone outside of PC. I just have a hard time connecting with people. I feel so different. Nobody can understand how I feel.

I do have some health issues. My sugar is a little high and I've been working on that by diet. I just found out there was an abnormality found on a mannogram and I need to have a biopsy. This hasn't been affecting me yet.

I try to exercise, but I am so tired. I am tired when I wake up in the morning. I sleep all night because I'm on meds that help me with that.

For support I dont really have anyone. Most the people I know have gave up on me a while ago because of how I acted when I was depressed. I live with my family but its not like close Im 19 and out of high school but Im usually alone. My friends have mostly left also because I dont talk much anymore and Im never around , none of them know about my problems though.

As far as medical stuff I am going to see a doctor again soon. I realize there is a lot of underlying physical conditions that can cause this. I got tests done a couple months ago and I had tests done before that and they said nothing was wrong. I have actually believed it was physical for a while but It kept getting denied by the doctors. Still I wont give up on that because I do have some physical symptoms like Im tired all the time and feel sick all the time. Im going to really describe how I feel next time I go in and Ill probably get a full physical.

[spiritual_emergency]

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I don't know what to say that might best help you, Pennkid. I can only speak from my own experience and although there does seem to be some overlap between your experience and mine (such as that sense of having "died") I can't possibly look into your life and see it the way you do; I can't experience it the way you have.

I have found however, that it seems to be best to be proactive. It's kind of like looking for love in that respect -- love seldoms walks up to your doorstep and rings the bell -- more often, you have to go out into the world and find it. The same seems to hold true for finding the right doctor, the right therapist, the right treatment. All the same, there can be some value in just laying on the couch all day, appearing to do nothing, when actually, you are doing something.

A few months ago, I stumbled across some youtube videos put together by a doctor by the name of John Breeding. I don't know if he'll have any insightful information for you but I thought he had some interesting things to say. In particular, he has a book out about unproductivity but I can't recall the book title at the moment.

Anyway, why don't you check out his videos and decide for yourself if he has anything of value for you: Dr. John Breeding: Hallucinations, Catatonia &amp; Schizophrenia

RACEKA, I don't know if any of the above might apply to your own situation. You're a bit older and you seem to have a few more support options at your disposal, but likewise, I would also encourage you to be proactive and sincerely hope that you are finding some answers for yourself as a result of your time here.