Roll Call 187

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I used to have a cat that carried bags of muffins and loafs of bread around

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Now I have acid coming up in my chest and it’s painful.



Haven’t been sleeping much the past two days

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Don't be disappointed in yourself. Waking up at 5am, exercising etc.. All of those things are good. I like waking up really early to read etc, watch the sun rise. It's very nice. You had a good morning so far - Focus on that =]

You're not a failure. I relapse.. I get suicidal. But the less attachment we have to our thoughts, the better. We have to do things in a pleasant, balanced way. Some days are inevitably hard and we just have to say "****k.. whyy.." but then disconnect again and say "How do I fix this?" and make a strategic plan to fix the problem over time.. There is usually a 100% chance of failure along the way but the less relapses you have is more realistic than none at all.

<3

I am going to stay dormant for a while.. because I know that there are good things waiting for me.. The psychopomps are guiding me - But within this life.

Thank you so much Desoxyn. Maybe I'm just stressed from lack of sleep and that triggered me to binge/purge. I know I have a harder time around food when I haven't slept much, and last night I slept like 3 hours and the night before 4 hours, so that can't be good

I should be proud of myself for exercising though, this is the biggest streak I've had in, well, forever

I need to learn moderation

The worst thing that can possibly happen to me is lack of sleep.. If I go 24 hours without sleep then my brain is so incredibly toast only 10-15% as functional than with sleep. It messes me up.

The thing with exercise - For me personally, it makes me sleep TOO much.. Especially with the antipsychotics. I tried to hike every day and did it for 2 days - So I need to learn moderation with that for me.. 2 times a week is good enough for me to be healthy I think. I realized that I had less OCD thoughts because I wasn't doing much.. Just exercising - And I missed my thoughts.. (Having less thoughts and being attached to thoughts I think is a different thing though..).

Sometimes people like excited speedy manic thoughts and then they need a break to relax cuz it all gets recycled which causes anxiety... idk. Logic.. Creativity.. We all want the good minds, with love, empathy etc... Quality of life <-- That's what I want.

Thank you for the tip, Blue_Bird! I'll ask around here.

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Hugs, bb. You're not a failure at all!

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I'm not sure who brought my tray but they slammed it down on the table and growled at me.

Both of my roommates are away so I'm alone in my room. I hate when the staff take out their bad moods on us.

I have to walk to CVS tomorrow to pick up my meds. After that I’ll probably get on the treadmill for an hour, I don’t have much going on tomorrow and I need to make up for today (I ended up not exercising today because I’m exhausted from lack of sleep)

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Sorry Angelique

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I wish I could have a rum and coke!

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I want my vape. I might have to quit next year. The evil moron gov is imposing a vaping ban next year. I'm not going back to smoking.

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I'm scared I'm going to keep gaining weight on my meds. I'm 159lbs, the highest I've been in a couple years. I don't want to let myself get back to like 230lbs like I was a long time ago. And I don't want to get diabetes (it runs on my fathers side of the family, my aunt has it) I might talk to my doctor about coming off all my antipsychotics.

I've gained 10 lbs since starting the abilify injections. And of course I had already gained a bit of weight from perphenazine and chlorpromazine which I'm still on too

I can't sleep, Idk what to do. This is the 3rd night I can't sleep. I refuse to start the thorazine back up. I'm trying to get off it. But I can't sleep at all on abilify

Edit: I gave in and just took my thorazine. I have to sleep

I came home, took phenibut, Dexedrine, smoked weed, took a benzo, more phenibut, more weed, an extra Dexedrine and then coffee..

I'm not posting this on the addictions forum cuz what is that? Stop drugs? Then why am I on meds? Don't I just want to be in my normal state of consciousness before I had this ****?

I can't take anything anymore. My cognition and memory is deteriorating. I don't know what is real - No one really does.

Surely there's people with mild schizophrenia where it doesn't progress into disability - Oh wait isn't that schizotypal personality disorder? The longer you stay in that neuroplasticity, the least likely you are to go insane. I'm sure that my dad has schizotypal PD. At a younger age, schizotypal PD is likelier than normal to develop full blown schizophrenia.

So all of these cracks I'm looking at through the matrix. And the only people that succeed in life and have a better quality of life - Wait what is that? Everyone gets diseases, people abuse and kill each other - Themselves. I was just a kid I didn't sign up for this. It's probably cuz I hit my head.

I'm having bad cabin fever. The whole ****ing world doesn't see what I see. I'm incredibly alone. It's all too real, funny and fake. It's horrifying.

But I'm ok. My family takes care of me.. They are real.

Hey there… I don’t have an eating disorder but I’m at the same weight as you right now. I also lost the weight from being 240lbs at one point which is close to your 230lbs. I say don’t worry about gaining weight if the abilify is working… tell your doctors you’re worried about weight gain though… maybe they can give you something to help the weight gain like metformin. But tbh you’re not big. Try not to resort to your ED tendency.

Thank you Erti

congrats on the weight loss by the way!

I’m going to have my doctor refer me to a nutritionist since she offered, so I can learn to eat in a balanced way and stop going to extremes

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Thanks girly! A nutritionist may be your best bet… not so much as losing the weight but to eat a nutritional diet because if you lose or gain the weight, you can have malnutrition by not eating the proper foods.

Job talked to me and a few other people on FB so I feel better.. It's the isolation man

Ugh having a panic attack

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My mom got me to watch "The Octopus Teacher" on Netflix. I was in like a meditative state while watching it and learned a lot. My mom cried at the end. Octopuses are so smart. The guy went to the same spot every day for almost a year for this one octopus. I recommend it BB if you need to distract yourself =]

I’ve seen it, it’s amazing I had mentioned it to my therapist because it was so good and sometimes we mention what we’re watching on Netflix. She said she had seen it too. It was so good. I cried at the end too. They really are so smart

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I’ve been obsessively listening to music the past 3 days

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