Roll Call 199

No.

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I started watching the Elvis Presley movie. I’m enjoying it so far. Will finish it tomorrow. I took my meds. I’m trying to turn screens off an hour to an hour and a half before I go to sleep. So just reading or journaling or meditating for the hour and a half before bed. I’m gonna see if I can get my sleep hygiene better.

So I’m gonna get off here for the night in about 10 minutes and read some more then go to sleep at some point.

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I also need to schedule a pap exam. I’m dreading it but I’ve put it off for way too long. So I’m just gonna schedule that appointment tomorrow. It will be fine. I’ve had them before. They take like a minute or less. It will be over with quickly I just have to keep that in mind

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Sometimes I look at Mustachio and can’t help laughing. Not to be mean. Lol it’s just her face makes me laugh sometimes

I had a pretty good day. I went to the gym and ran on the treadmill. Always seems to help.

Soz. Just so tired lol. I'm asleep more than I'm awake.

Sat outside for 30 minutes while reading one of my books today this afternoon. Trying to get more fresh air and get out of my apartment more.

Tomorrow I have my volunteer job to go to. Wednesday I have a dentist appointment. Thursday I have a meeting with my program manager here. Gotta go grocery shopping Friday.

I slept good last night

I need to get back into a routine with exercise and practicing ukulele and keyboard.

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I'm still doing well. Little bit of paranoia about being followed on my drive today, but nothing to write home about.
Upped the strenuousness on my hike today. One section was practically rock climbing. 700+' elevation gain in .5 miles at one point. Practically rock climbing. But hey, check out the view.
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That's really pretty Boots!

I'm taking time off from job searching and am instead focusing on working on building up my volunteer experience as much as possible. Like I'm trying to get more connections through volunteer work and get more experience with it so I can eventually have people I can put down as references for my resume which I currently don't have anyone.

Right now I'm doing the Petsmart volunteer job. And am occassionally doing the kitchen prep/food service volunteer thing at the shelter. I currently have 8 hours logged experience with the shelter serving food. I want to get those numbers up to like 50 hours. Just slowly increase my experience and ability to deal with stress

I realized recently with the manic episode and stuff I'm not as ready as I thought I was for a part time job. I will get there, I just need to work on gaining more volunteer experience first

I’m not going to the gym today. I was thinking about it, but my arms and abs are all sore today. So I’m going to rest today. Try to go tomorrow.

I am excited to be back at the gym.

But I’m getting so hungry. I ate a bagel thin with cream cheese and some blackberries for breakfast. Then chia pudding like an hour later. Then I had instant noodles for lunch. Hungry like 20minutes later so I had a salad with chicken. Then hungry again half an hour later and ate some PopChips. Then an hour later now I’m hungry again and ate some pepperoni sticks.

Ugh so hungry. I’m trying to eat filling things like protein and fiber and healthy things but still so hungry no matter what I do.

I know it likely has to do with recovering from anorexia but it’s annoying and part of me is worried I’m going to overeat a lot and gain weight.

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Had a deep, 15 hour long sleep. Much euphoria now! (Mania? - Of course, always.. an unfocused mania.. The most useless of manias).

Had a shower, did the things.. Walked around town - They can't get the Invega Trinza injection in RN (Cuz of the fires blocking the road between here and the city). I went to the post office, picked up the dissociative antidepressant, booked an appointment at the clinic, came home and took out the garbage, swept the steps outside.. All is okay.

My dad made it on the plane to Mexico.. He'll be back in a month, and we'll drive in the Mustang again lol!

It was a good time.. stressful.. Everything is stressful.. I'm one of the most normal people.

The last night, I had a talk with my dad.. He's always really philosophical, wise etc... I pushed my mom away (Trying to comfort me before I took the Invega pill) - She walked into her room and closed the door. I was so sad about that.. She worked for 17 hours.. I just couldn't stand her, drinking wine and commentating on the movie she was watching with my dad - I got irritable and confused. But it's okay now.. "She works like a ****ing slave" my dad said.

They will both die.. 5-10 years or less.. My little sister, brother and half brother will be there.. My dad doesn't understand my suicidal thoughts, but I said that I'd let him or my mom know (When it gets too bad) - He felt suicidal, living in Guatemala, thought of wanting to jump off the apartment complex.. Cuz his family was stolen..

"Life is short" he said.. My mom says that too.. I'll live then cuz of that =/ Try to make the best life... We spent time together, it was okay... I love everyone though, underneath all of the trouble..

Played Zelda with my boyfriend tonight while we video chatted , was fun

I’m going to my friends house on Sunday and we’re gonna play dungeons and dragons and some card games

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This place has brought me comfort for many, many years. I appreciate you all. Kind, loving, tortured souls.

Love you too

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I feel very different today.

Last year my last therapist diagnosed me with schizoaffective disorder among other things. I never accepted it and was angry she told me but maybe that's common, idk.

I feel this sense of clarity. Maybe I’m getting ahead of myself.

Watching videos of strong feminine types lifting heavy weights and looking so muscular makes me want to just focus a lot on the gym.

I want to be strong again. So strong. I need to get back to where I was. Damn COVID made me stay away from the gym and ruin most of my progress.

I’ll do it. I need to settle down. Stop the drinking and just focus on being strong.

Lifting weights and eating good.

None of this drinking and anorexia stuff.

I need to get back to going to the gym like five days a week. I have to start off slow. I’m so impatient though. Sigh.

I’ll do it.

I’m not going to buy more alcohol. I’ll finish off the gin and the beer and the vodka ice teas. That’s it. If I’m at a restaurant sure I’ll have a drink but I won’t buy anything from the liquor store. That’s it. I’m done.

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I wonder if I should tell my grandmother (On my moms side) to exercise, just even a little bit... All she does is sit on FB all day, in the dark, in a mansion, alone. She has agoraphobia now. I thought of giving her a packet of diazepam (She used to order it online, and was in WD during our Mexico vacation when I was 12 - I thought she was just "sick").

A little bit of exercise, and she could outlive my parents even.

My other grandmother will die I'm sure very soon. It's very sad.. The family wants her to die. She tortures my dad, still.

I am also somewhat a realist. But I have too much empathy for anyone, no matter how evil they seem. She will go to hell though.

I want to have thoughts that are outside the laws of physics/in this universe.

Cuz there's people making sure that the roads are closed off to the city on the highway (Cuz of the forest fires) - And I wonder, if I just got my dads Mustang, and drove through the barriers.. And what if I hit a person? What if my dad did that, in some other dimension?

Imagine if it was in my solipsistic reality, and I just find out about that.. Breaking the windscreen and such..

But that's as far as I can go - If there were Chinese spy balloons everywhere (About 50 of them), hovering in the sky - Stuff like that.. A strange reality. But reality is as strange as possible right now. Something happened to my brainwaves - I blame the trip and my personal psychosis. Cuz everything matches up to my awareness/cognitive ability (Not in school though, when I moved to Canada - The mystic energies from Ireland were severed, and isolated - Complete disconnection).

If I listened to a certain song (In 2016 for example - Instead of any one of them that I really did listen to, at any time), it could have happened.. And I would (Or wouldn't), be aware, here.. to have these thoughts..

I tried taking a physics course.. But I don't want to start all over again? I failed physics in school (By 1-2%), never did homework. I took the course again (The next year), and was stressed beyond belief - And dropped out. But the metaphysical thoughts etc, all of the good stuff.. Just reading and making thoughts based on that.. Cuz it's starting to sync with Buddhism, and other philosophies and religions.

Just something 2 consider.

I still want to go back to Guatemala.. that would be the best time ever... Just some songs, I have a playlist named "Guatemala", and it always reminds me every so often... Probably the best time of my life. 3 weeks - Almost a month, right after I attempted suicide. My dad.. he must have thought "'My dad pays for the food' - And step dad flips out, attacks him?" - That must have been a really defining moment for him, for everyone...... I didn't even mean to cause such destruction and then connection... I was just being loyal to my real dad lol..

Hey if you wanted to do some courses but not get anything like homework (or grades) there’s The Great Courses. They charge money and they’re not for credit but they have a bunch of topics you can learn about. They’re pretty much college lectures but without the college credits. Could be interesting if you just wanted to learn something.

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If your library gets hoopla you can get the great courses for free.

Good morning. Heading to Petsmart in about an hour to volunteer.

I managed to wake up at 5:30am today which is when I set my alarm for. I just prefer waking up early. I like peaceful mornings before the day gets started.

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This may seem stupid but I’m tracking how long I stay away from sweets /candy etc. I just want to stay away from them for several reasons, I eat too much of them. So I’m trying to cut them out. Just like pastries, candy, ice cream etc that kind of stuff. The app will help keep me motivated to see how long I can make it. My rule is basically I can eat anything I want in moderation as long as it’s not those things. I can’t do moderation with sugary stuff. I’ve tried it and failed endless times. I’m just the type of person who has to abstain from sweets. Cuz I go overboard with them if I have any of them.

I’ve considered listening to some of those, I have hoopla. They look interesting and there’s a lot of them.

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