Roll Call 199

That’s a great idea. Volunteering has helped my mental health a lot I hope it does the same for you

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Thx! This helps a lot Especially the "I start really strong and burn out fast".. I should know better.. But no bipolar or anything - It's just a series of building the life thing..., falling down.. continuing...

And waiting 10 minutes (Until in the flow) helps.. I did that yesterday (Like I said, at 4pm) - For 30 minutes (Book "Limitless") - It told me to set a 25 minute timer.. and write down thoughts (As thoughts are important) - But the timer went out.. I just kept writing down thoughts..

I'll try again today maybe..

And BB? Being happy? With a soldier?! I won't allow this.. Break up with him, ImEdiAteLy.

No jk lol - I hope things work out =]

Thank you

I know you’re kidding about the breaking up, but you’d actually probably get along with him lol He had a few acid trips and smokes weed. He’s into all that expanding consciousness stuff and psychology, some philosophy likes to talk in depth about things lol anyway he changed a lot from when we first dated back when he was in the army, for the better. His parents kind of pushed their strict religious and right wing political views and beliefs on him back then when he was growing up but he has become his own person with his own beliefs since then , which is a good thing. He’s not like the soldiers that you video chatted with, is actually a good genuine person , they sounded like horrible people

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A psychonaut! My ideas spread to Job too (RIP, blessing and curse). People like that have much to talk about.. curiosity gets triggered in a child-like way.. Constant wanting to learn (If things have been crushed by authoritarian parents, society, etc..)

And I do like soldiers.. Just the ones I talked to, I mentioned them as "The soldiers" (In some traumatic type way). Many soldiers have PTSD and yknow there's more soldiers that commit suicide than ones that die from war? - I heard that few days ago.. I wouldn't be surprised at all if that's true.

But that's cool in all ways though ^-

Yeah unfortunately many do commit suicide

My bf doesn't have PTSD. He was deployed to Kuwait for awhile but was a mechanic and not in combat. He does have bipolar though, so we have mental health issues in common.

My brother in-law though was a marine, and he was in a lot of combat and had severely bad PTSD and tried to commit suicide on multiple occasions. His deployments really messed with his mental health. Every one he came back to the states, angrier, more depressed, and drinking more

Applying for jobs this week. Petsmart has a part time pet grooming trainee job, I don’t know if my lack of work experience will effect my chances of getting it but I feel like the fact that I volunteer there with the cats will look good on my resume and may make up for that? Idk. I kind of want to apply for it

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The more I think about what’s ‘normal’ the more I realize that normal doesn’t exist. People are all weird and different sizes and stuff. No one fits the ‘normal’ mode, not really.

It’s hard to accept really.

At a concert I feel awkward like ‘I feel like I’m the weirdo dancing’ but really everyone is weird.

I need to accept it. Perception of normal. Thinking of perfect human. We’re all different in our weirdness.

I need to embrace it.

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All of reality... think of the thoughts inside your head - "Where do they come from?", think of the world.. "How good can I see this blue/green ball? Can I map out the continents? Can I draw the map of Europe? What is the outline of Germany.. What do I know about Germany? How many towns and cities?" etc.. All of the different perceptions, building objective reality..

And then.. "What is attractive?" and for me, "Why does my mom like assholes?" - "What is the spectrum of sexuality? Are most people somewhat bisexual?" and me (As a bisexual/asexual), "Why do people care so much about sex?", well - I once after said "Need dopamine", and a friend was like "Because of that"..

.. What is dopamine... Expectation, motivation.. Too much? The rat will eat food (If it requires no effort), and too little? It will be highly motivated to get the food (It could be the other way around idk).. The parts of the brain? Some areas are larger than others (Depending on male/female).

And with people arguing about gender, on a mass scale.. We're like the mice.. The mice don't know what they're talking about, they just want cheese, water, sex, sleep etc..

So all of the basic necessities must be met.. But humans, can go for self-actualization, religious thoughts (What would there be without psychosis?) - Some individuals, shamans for the rest, telling stories.. What is a story.. I find it hard to tell them, just experiences.. What is an experience..

Life is the journey.. and people make it up, were born with an absent mind, created by the void, consciousness injected, "Whenever the sperm and eggs meets" is what people say.. Magnets, two poles of ions flowing through..

Love and nothing (Is what I think is all outside in the void).. People argue, bad things happen, pain? What is pain.. Lack of endorphins.. a hug. People can be cruel (Is what I thought of yesterday), very cruel. It's possible. And it will happen to every entity, everything will. So what is important is this;

Reality is a swirling tornado of colours (Such as colour particles - Yellow, red and blue I think?), we see with our eyes.. People at a festival, dancing.. A person could by just lying there, vomit on their shirt, any size and shape, symbols written on their clothes, tattoos - That mean something.. It all means something "What is the meaning!?" - A master will explain, "I have the answers.. the true answer", and anyone can say to anyone or anything, "**** you. I am right - Or I could be wrong and know you are full of it".

And we will die.. So all of the outside in this reality, doesn't matter for now.. We'll wait until then, and try to live what we are destined..

Applied for part time jobs at Petsmart, old navy, and target so far tonight

I’ve been in a euphoric high the past week. I barely sleep. It’s 3am now and I have to go to my volunteer job in 6 hours from now. I also have to clean before I go.

I don’t know if it’s just excitement from the relationship or if it will wear off.

But I’m spending too much money , texting too much to family and friends, can’t seem to slow down etc and I’ve been making adjustments to my meds and being impulsive a bit

I feel more confident but I feel like that will be a good thing for getting a job. But sometimes I worry I’m overestimating my ability to handle stress and moving to fast with life changes.

I really hope I hear back from at least one of the places I applied to yesterday.

Idk what the point of this post is. I need some ****ing sleep

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I kind of feel like on an out of control uphill rollercoaster that keeps going higher and higher and is just bound to crash

Any insight is appreciated/welcome

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You sound like you might be a bit manic. Do you have any PRN to take for that to calm yourself down?

Don’t make any adjustments to your meds. I know you want to be off a bunch but then something like this happens.

If anything see a health professional for advice.

Sorry I can’t be much help.

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Thank you, I do need to take my meds , I have to stop messing with them

Yeah I have klonopin PRN I can take

I ended up taking the day off my volunteer shift today because I’m so exhausted at this point from being up for 28 hours and just kind of a mess. The adoption coordinator was very understanding, and she’d cover my shift today since she would be in anyway. I’m going back in next Tuesday. I’m gonna take that time to start taking all my meds regularly and get my sleep routine back on track. The last thing I wanted to do was take a day off but at this point I feel it was necessary. Anyway all is good and I’ll be back next Tuesday. I am popping in on Saturday to say hi to her because she is going to be around that day and we did want to meet in person briefly at some point since we’ve only corresponded through e-mail so far. You know just nice to put a face to a name.

I need to slow down and take things one step at a time. I can’t keep up with my brain sometimes.

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Sending hugs, BB. Get back on those meds asap!

I finally made a dentist appointment. My teeth aren't the greatest (thank you, bulimia). This place seems to turn one appointment into 3+ appointments, so I'll probably have to go back again shortly after this first one (and again after that). It's later in the day so I'm making plans to go on an easy local hike earlier on so at least I can look forward to the day. Haven't heard back from the farm yet.

Good luck with the dentist appointment! I’m going through the same thing due to damage from years of bulimia. So I’ve been in like an endless series of appointments to get everything fixed as much as possible

Hiking sounds good, I love hiking, haven’t been in awhile though

When did you apply for the farm volunteer job? When I applied with the kitten angel program it took like 2-3 weeks to hear back, I thought they weren’t gonna get back to me but then suddenly I had an email from them

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So this is what I applied for for part time jobs

- Old Navy
-Target
-Petsmart (pet bather/groomer trainee)
-Walmart
-a local convenience /ice cream chain

So all of the jobs are retail sales associate positions except the petsmart one. The one I really want is the petsmart one. But I will take what I get if any of them get back to me , I really hope they do

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With my work ‘friends’ in our group chat I said good morning yesterday morning. Then I didn’t say anything. No one noticed until early this afternoon. Took almost two days for them to notice me.

Do I sound a little petty? Maybe. These people don’t care about me, not really. I need to stick to my silence. Only talk when they talk to me. I can’t keep opening myself up to them.

Like I said I was concerned about my hands hurting the other day and they started making jokes about how I can take up fart painting. Not a word of sympathy or anything just stupid jokes.

Whatever. I’ll probably leave them eventually.

Anyway, making a roasted pork loin with mashed potatoes and corn for dinner. Drinking a gin lemon drop martini (gin - usually it’s vodka but I’m out, elderflower liqueur, triple sec, simple syrup, and lemon juice).

I see my doctor next week. I took a blood test yesterday.

I’m concerned about my bruises and my hands. They don’t hurt much the last couple days but I lost my grip yesterday and dropped my coffee mug (it’s fine but I spilled coffee all over the floor). I have like 12 bruises on my hands and arms and legs.

Idk. I just wish it was next week already to hear what the doctor has to say.

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Thanks for the dentist appt encouragement! I really need it. Haven't been since before covid and even then it was just a "walk in, take some x-rays, yup you have like 7 cavities and no enamel come back in a week" and then closed indefinitely.
I just applied for the farm position two days ago, so I guess I shouldn't expect to hear from them any time soon.