Roll Call 200

I'll attend to goals today..

But conspiries seem tempting

I decided I’m getting McDonald’s for dinner. I’m too tired to cook later and I am craving something from there. I only eat fast food maybe once every three months if that so it won’t be the end of the world or ruin my progress I think

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Big Mac , fries and a coke

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Did you get the second Big Mac for a dollar?

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No I didn't know they had that deal, my sister picked up the food for me

Muddy boots I was thinking of you with this pic

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but needs more mud 'n rocks

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill. Will do some weights and squats in a little while after I cool down some.

Inspection went fine

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I’ll work on it next weekend

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Been so tired lately. I'm thinking the Auvelity my doctor put me on is not working. I have been taking it for 6 weeks. I know that it could take 6 to 8 weeks but I'm tired of feeling like crap. I sleep all the time that I am not at work. Messaged my doctor in the portal. We'll see what he says. I am not scheduled to see him for a month.

Dealing with a lot of paranoia , and every time I leave my apartment even if it’s just to check mail or something my anxiety is so severe that I dissociate

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This is a long article, but I found it helpful to read, has a lot of good ideas for coping with some of the issues I deal with

Top 7 Skills For Coping With BPD (+FREE Coping Skills Worksheets)

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I need a group, I’m gonna ask my therapist if there’s any groups at the clinic (they do have some) that would help me, I’m pretty sure there are, things have opened up more there after the first couple years of covid. I really need some socialization and support , and some kind of structure even if it’s just once a week.

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19 hour sleep..

I went on my first "hike" since injuring my knee. It was really more of a rocky walk next to a brook, but it felt good to be walking around more than just my neighborhood.

I found a cool app called DBT Coach, seems really helpful

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I have my volunteer shift tomorrow morning

Just been watching the anime Demon Slayer today a lot. Kind of isolated and stayed in all day due to anxiety. Need to get out so it’s good I have my volunteer shift tomorrow.

I haven’t had the low blood sugar/throwing up thing happen the past several days. I’ve been eating regularly so maybe that’s why. Or maybe it was just severe anxiety causing it which is definitely a possibility. If my anxiety is so bad it causes me to dissociate on the daily it would make sense that it could make me throw up too.

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Boots, it’s so nice being out in nature like that. There are places like that around here but they’re harder to get to without having a car. I would like to go hiking again. I used to go with a group ran by someone from the clinic I go to.

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I had to take a PRN olanzapine last night. I woke up at 1am super paranoid, agitated, and hallucinating, unable to get back to sleep. The Zyp got me another 2 hours of sleep and I feel better now.

I wish I could take you! I'm lucky enough to live in an area surrounded by a lake, a small river with a bunch of brooks, and lots of woods to play in. Don't even need a car unless you want to hit the mountains.

Good morning

I have an appointment with my therapist on Thursday. I don’t know what to talk about. I suppose I should talk about my overspending, paranoia, self hatred, dissociation, anxiety, poor decisions, difficulty leaving my apartment, etc but I don’t want to admit that I’m doing bad or that I’m a total ****up. I tell everyone/convince people I’m doing good all the time and it’s not true especially not the last 6 months. I’m doing well in some areas. Volunteering, not quite as suicidal, exercising now, stopping binge eating the past 4 days. But I’m doing horrible in many other areas. And I just pretend everything is going well.

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BB- maybe you could start off discussing how you pretend everything is fine when you're really struggling and maybe come up with some ideas on how you can be more open with the bad stuff without feeling like a "total ****up" (which you are not at all btw).

I struggle with the same thing too though. I just can't seem to get myself to admit to people I know irl when I'm having a rough time, including my therapist. I mean, I can tell her certain behaviors but I can't explain the thoughts and feelings behind the behaviors because they seem stupid and irrational.

Maybe write some things down and bring it in to your next appointment? That's what I'm doing.

That’s a good idea, thank you Boots, I’ll definitely do that

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Fun day for work today!

Going to this sort of interactive arcade place, and then a three hour lunch across the street.

I wonder how much it costs the company to put this event on, especially during the work week.

37 people at $28 a pop for the arcade, then meals (roughly $20-$30 each), and then two alcoholic drinks (about $10-$15 each).

Glad I’m not paying.

Hopefully have a bunch of fun.

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Finished my volunteer shift. It went well, there were 9 cats today. I think I did a good job. 5 of the cats were a group of 5 tiny kittens together in one of the big double cages. It was hard to get them all back in. Every time I put one in another one would jump back out. Eventually I gave them a small can of wet kitten food for a treat and they all jumped back in the cage at once, so that worked. Anyway, I think I did a thorough job of cleaning all there cages and litter boxes and whatnot. I took a klonopin before I went there today. Haven’t taken one in well over a month, it has helped a lot.

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