Roll Call 200

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill today. My Fitbit stopped working which sucks because I liked tracking my steps.

Also sat outside for 20 minutes. Because my agoraphobia has somewhat come back where I don’t leave my apartment much and even when I do it gives me severe anxiety and dissociation, I’m trying to get more comfortable outside

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I overheard someone joking about me today and I can’t get it out of my head, my self esteem is like negative 1,000 right now

I hate myself

I really am starting to feel like everyone hates me and wishes I was dead or not here. Like in my apartment complex.

I was called a ***** and made fun of directly by someone last week with zero provocation, someone obviously off their meds.

But being made fun of by people who work here is what I overheard today and it hurts even more

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Are you 100% sure it wasn’t a voice?

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I am 100% sure. It was real. I don’t really hear voices , I did once a very very long time ago but that was the only time. It was loud and I heard my name loudly by one security guard and I saw it the security guard telling the other one to be quiet because “she can hear you”

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Also I’m not manic or anything right now

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Have you ever tried 7 cups of tea? It's an app for peer counseling.

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I'm so sorry Blue_Bird. Nevermind them, they're probably jealous of you.

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These things happen for me too. I'm not sure what happens exactly. Not giving up? Good prevails, and evil dies. That's how it goes.

Be kind to self. I'll be kind to myself too. Balance out life, realize that - Once we are still, and calm.. To know our shadows, go places that we are avoiding, and make peace with it, it's all good. We have the time to do this.. All of the time in the world.

It's nothing about you - I remember when staying at my moms cancer treatment place, two women were "tormenting me" (Or what it felt like) - But when I was in a good mood (After taking phenibut)? It was no big deal at all.

Neuroticism.. Negative emotions.. (One sec, I'll search the meaning...);

"Trait involving negative emotions, poor self-regulation, trouble dealing with stress, a strong reaction to perceived threats"

We are smart people.. with trauma, possibly. Life is a trauma (To me at least) - Patterns can be in any way.. Just depending on how much you can listen to your whole self, reflecting from the whole world (Which isn't good right now - That's why there's psychiatric patients, on drugs - In a world run by psychopaths). It'll get better eventually - And we all have our own unique ripple that is in connection with everything. We are responsible for our existence, no matter what's happened..

I listened to Terence Mckenna yesterday - And he said "Reality is a fractal" (With all complicated explanations, that I couldn't follow - Cuz the earbud I was using wasn't working).

So to increase the mood? That's good.. Then there's not much fear. There's always some suffering - And we get to use that for good or bad.. And remember the fear/love thing I sent. All things are, is love - But like purgatory, a mixture of it all. We're in some place, in a galaxy.. It's nuts, but should be interesting -

- We all have our little lives, doing our things, having dreams, spinning around the sun. Let the sun shine, and that's all it has to be. People are dangerous, sure.. But gotta make sure that we know that we're all so insignificant - But also that the moment (Right now), is a complete miracle. Sometimes, it doesn't feel like that, we get caught in our thoughts, emotions - We get lost from ourselves.. But the place, say while you're in the middle of playing a good song (On ukalele - Or any intrument), anything that you've accomplished.. Small things even.. Be brave - You, me, everyone - Has a lot of strength (That we don't even realize).

It doesn't have to be constant, being hard on yourself (Like I do as well) - I think (IMO), there's no rules... If we are worthless (Which we aren't), that's why people can have no faith in themselves, and get weighed down (Depression).. But everything is faith - Everything leaves a trail, and all of those trails lead to the main highway - Energy flowing throughout all of existence. If you say it's good, it'll be good.

Of course we got to know when we really need help.. Some chemical imbalance, overwhelming inertia of bad things within the mind.. And that there should be some structure - But ultimately, it's ourselves - Who get to try and decide, our fate.. Could it work? If we do it right - That's hope, as we are just human.

Sorry, Boots, I forgot your phone has problems.

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I'll go for a walk, to get "Vanilla Waffers"!

It's not that sunny, but I'll use sunglasses (So people don't see my eyes, and steal my soul)..

Thank you Desoxyn yeah I do definitely have a lot of poor self regulation, trouble dealing with stress, perceived threats etc it’s part of trauma and my other diagnosis of BPD. I’m working on it though. I just played the yugioh card game with my boyfriend over FaceTime and it was a lot of fun, a good distraction. And ukulele is a lot of fun too, I’m trying to practice everyday. I’ll get better with my mental health over time. I just have to keep working at it.

Thank you for your insight, you always have such beautiful thoughts , I appreciate you

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Last week I was at Costco with my mom and sister and my mom and sister were ahead of me grabbing butter and as they moved this guy was like ‘get out of the way already Jesus ****ing Christ’. I scoffed at him and gave him a dirty look. Poor baby man needed his butter and couldn’t wait a ******* minute.

Point is, people talk **** about other people says more about them than you. People who put people down and make fun of people are just sad individuals who need to bring someone down to make them feel better about themselves.

I know it’s hard to ignore but just think about them as pathetic individuals because that’s what they are.

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Yeah you’re right, and I need to learn not to care what others say so much, I tend to take everything to heart and let anything minor hurt me deeply. I’m gonna work on not caring what others think though. My mom was the opposite of me. She didn’t give a **** what others thought of her or why they said. I wish I could have a little of that in my personality

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I felt really hungry tonight (I probably didn’t eat enough today) started getting shaky, so ate some fruit (for the natural sweetness and fiber), plain Greek yogurt and walnuts (for the protein). It’s only been 2 days of this healthier lifestyle but I’m listening to my body more and making healthier choices

I ate everything on my meal plan today except the asparagus and salad (saving them for tomorrow) with a small addition of the above

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I’m starting to think my body got in like a “feast or famine” mode for a long time. Alternating between extremes of bingeing and restricting. So my metabolism is probably a little messed up. I don’t think my body is used to eating normal. It’s been like 4 years of going back and forth between bingeing and restricting. Before that I was on a really healthy eating plan for a couple years. But I gradually fell back into old habits and it’s just been downhill the past 4 years. But I’m working on getting back to that. Even without the aspect of weight loss I just want to be a lot more balanced for other health reasons. I did it before so I can do it again

I was probably the healthiest I had ever been between 2018-2020.

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Happy 4am

Good morning, today I’m walking to the store to buy some cat litter. Then I’m getting on the treadmill for 30 minutes when I get home. Then I’m cleaning for like 2 hours because I have a lot to do. Then taking a much needed shower. Then I’m gonna play a couple rounds of the yugioh card game with my bf over FaceTime.

Did 20 minutes of silent meditation this morning then did some journaling. Trying to do 20 minutes of silent meditation everyday in the mornings and 20 minutes of guided meditation everyday in the evenings. Also trying to read more. Right now I’m reading the Stand by Stephen King. It’s over 1,000 pages so is gonna take me awhile.

Anyway, yeah should be a good and productive day.

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Had a rough night, but luckily I got my phone to at least send/receive texts (still no phone calls so I can't get a hold of my team) and one of my friends from the state hospital works nights so we chatted pretty much all night long which made it better. I did get about 2 hours of sleep. When I woke up I felt on top of the world!

Not so much now. Now I feel like someone replaced my dopamine with battery acid. I'm sure that'll change within the hour.

All the alcohol ads on spotify aren't helping either.

I start my DBT group this week too. I'm excited. I think it'll be more helpful than just doing it with my T. And I start volunteering at the shelter next week too so good things are happening. I just gotta get my shyt together.

I decided to take the day off the treadmill. I did it two days in a row. I walked to the store today which is a 20 minute walk, carried 15 lbs of cat litter home. And then did weights. And am cleaning my apartment right now. So that’s enough physical activity today. Tomorrow I’ll get back on the treadmill

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That’s awesome! I’m so happy for you about the DBT group and the animal shelter!

I probably need to get in a DBT group as well but I don’t know where I would find one

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Went to the gym this morning. I did shoulder workout yesterday, did leg day today. My schedule was ab and cardio but my heart said leg day.

Went to the supplement store and bought some amino acids to take after my workouts (they’re good to help prevent fatigue and soreness and rebuild muscles). Spent too much money lmao.

Got two gyms to check out soon. Depends on when my sister is feeling up to it.

The one gym has like powerlifting, Olympic weightlifting, and strongman stuff but it’s a little further away.

So like… I’m just thinking if I find a closer gym that has a squat rack I could always go there for like a year to build myself up and then go to another gym. Just depends. We’ll see.

Yeah, that’s my biggest dilemma right now.

Anyway, it’s almost lunch time. Might have a salad. Or might have a sandwich. No leftovers in the fridge.

Don’t even know what to have for dinner tonight. Gotta make a schedule for this week.

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Update: had a salad with a bunch of chicken for lunch. Going to have jalapeño smokies for dinner.

Need to make the food schedule for this week.

Going to go to like Home Depot and stuff with my mom to check out closet doors. The closet by the front door the door sucks and it’s annoying us.

Oh, I’m trying to up my protein and good food. Fiber and stuff. Following a lot of what the dietician was talking about.

So like for breakfast have things like:

- bagel and cream cheese
- yogurt with flax and granola and fruit
- eggs on toast
- chia pudding

Lunch:

- salad with chicken, tomatoes, cucumber, and honey mustard dressing
- sandwich with tomato, lettuce, and sliced turkey/chicken/bacon
- instant noodles (got so many here they’re not the greatest nutrition wise but quick and easy)
- beans on toast (it’s quick and delicious and has lots of fiber)

Dinners I haven’t had problems with. Try for balanced foods.

Snacks:

- veggies and tzatziki/hummus
- granola bar
- assorted fruit
- freeze dried cheese chips
- kale/broccoli chips
- crunchy seasoned lentils/chickpeas/fava beans
- tortilla chips and guacamole

Also throw in like smoothies and protein shakes every so often.

And amino acids after workouts.

I mean I’m going to eat potato chips and stuff occasionally but I’m trying not to eat so much empty fat and carbs.

Just trying to balance healthy but not crazy orthorexia.

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I’m just laying here right now and feel like hibernating. I’m so exhausted. From the physical activity the past three days. Getting up at 5am exactly the past three days, the food changes, its a lot of changes ,its all hitting me now and I feel like laying here and not getting up for 5 hours. I also am craving a sweetened coffee. I don’t typically drink them that way. I 99.9% of the time drink them black and unsweetened. Just sugar sounds really good right now. A coffee with some brown sugar and plain almond milk. I didn’t eat anything sweet as in pastries , candy etc the past 3 days. (That’s the kind of stuff I ate large amounts of everyday) I feel good about that but the cravings are starting to come. Also PMS.

I don’t even want to play a game or watch tv. Just want to lay in silence with my eyes closed for the rest of the day.

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You’re doing a great job Cogladaid

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