Roll Call 200

I feel like they would have called me by now if the results indicate I have diabetes, like before my scheduled appointment next week to discuss the results with him, I got the blood work done on Monday, don’t know if they do that though. I don’t know, or maybe they just wait till the scheduled time to discuss it even if it says I do have it. I don’t know. I’m stressed out because I don’t know what these symptoms are being caused by. And I don’t like the idea that I could have diabetes and not be aware of it. Waiting to find out sucks. I know it’s only like a week away though. I’m just impatient.

I mean I feel like if my sugar was like dangerously high or something they would have called me, so maybe I don’t need to worry

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But the question remains if it’s not what I’m worried it is (diabetes), then what the heck is causing it??? I never had this problem before a year ago

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Do you have access to a patient portal like my chart?

Unfortunately no, they don’t have that at the place I go to

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Huh I wonder if it’s that gastrointestinal thing or anxiety then, I am not sure. I guess I’ll find out

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I definitely don’t have high fever or abdominal pain or dehydration , I do sometimes experience gastrointestinal issues though like diarrhea. Maybe it’s just anxiety then, or a medication side effect

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Don't worry too much BB, but be mindful! If not much fear, distract self - But be aware.

It's been like this for a while so that's a sign that you shouldn't be really in immediate danger.

Thanks Desoxyn. I honestly was too scared to look up what it could be. Obviously I will still see my doctor on Wednesday and see what the bloodwork shows. But I’m wondering if it’s maybe severe anxiety and panic. Cause my anxiety has been astronomically high the past year. I can’t seem to get it under control

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My g string snapped on my tenor ukulele. Luckily I had an extra replacement leftover. I re-strung it. And am leaving both of my ukuleles alone for a couple weeks until the strings settle so I don’t break any more

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I feel good, but am I doing well? My sleep's been shyt. I've been drinking. I haven't been binging/purging as much. I've been smoking weed which made me hallucinate and paranoid a bit but it didn't bother me any because I felt lin control. My weight/body makes me want to die. I'm comparing it to the past me. Before the evil antipsychotics. Why did I need them? Why did they start me on Seroquel instead of something weight neutral? I want to decrease my Haldol dose, but I don't talk to my pdoc til the end of the month maybe next mont h idk. My peer support person should show up today. Is it okay to be drunk at 8am if you've been up since 1:29am and you have places to be at 2? There's a leak in my tire. I went for a run at 3am this morning. Wasn't even afraid of coyotes?

I'm sorry, I'm lonely. Everyone's left me and I hate it. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I can't redeem myself so why bother trying? Just continue to push people away....

I thought that was going somewhere else

Hugs MB, you don't deserve all this..

Sleep, alcohol, bulimia, weed, weight from antipsychotics, leaky tire. It's all a bit much (At the same time) - I deal with things like this, but perspective matters..

In a way where, sleep should be balanced first. To make sure you get a good sleep (By sleeping early - Possibly using something to knock you out), then you'd feel much better in the morning.

Then try to start fresh. I've stayed up long nights and days, lonely AF - I found some sort of beauty in it though. Some of my best memories (As they're all I've had).

With weed, fear decreases (Of psychosis) - But it shouldn't be smoked really (IMO) - Some strains are bad and okay for me, relaxing.. But it took a long time (5 years, on and off - To be okay with it). I advise against.

I have to go to work - But I'll talk later? ^- Much love, friend

Did 30 minutes on the treadmill today

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Had oatmeal and fruit with almond milk for breakfast, snack was a protein bar, lunch is gonna be a Turkey breast sandwich on Dave’s killer organic bread with lettuce and honey mustard. I’m having a baked sweet potato, and roasted asparagus for dinner. And probably a fruit and spinach protein smoothie for my snack before dinner

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HUGS MuddyBoots

Have an inspection Monday. Feel stressed. Especially because I feel like I haven’t been cleaning my usual frequency since I have lacked motivation.

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I feel like I ate pretty well today. I ate everything on my list, with an addition of a small amount of plain Greek yogurt w/ fresh blueberries and flax seed just because I got extremely hungry waiting for dinner to cook and it had an hour to go. I didn’t binge or restrict. And I exercised. So that’s good. Now to just keep it up for the rest of my life.

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All of you guys are so inspiring

That’s good! Listen to your hunger cues and focus on protein and fiber and stuff. The less you restrict the less you binge. Like if you want pizza it’s not going to hurt you, there are no such thing as bad food.

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Figures I go to call the ACT on-call/crisis line and my phone decides it doesn't want to work anymore.

Sorry Boots are there any online crisis lines you can talk to? Like over chat?

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Meal plan today

Breakfast: Oatmeal with a banana, almond milk, flax seed and walnuts

Lunch: Turkey breast sandwich on organic bread with lettuce and honey mustard and leftover asparagus

Dinner: leftover baked sweet potato and asparagus

Snack: mozzarella string cheese stick

At some point today I’m also gonna have a small mixed greens salad with grape tomatoes in it as well, just to increase the amount of vegetable intake because I have lacked those so much for a large amount of my life. I might have a protein shake as well (not a full smoothie, just almond milk and protein powder shook up in a bottle) if I’m still hungry after that. I’ll see though.

Tomorrow I’m making buffalo wings in my air fryer for the first time. With fresh chicken wings. Then coat them in Franks red hot buffalo sauce when they’re done cooking. Haven’t cooked meat in my air fryer before yet, excited to try it out. I also haven’t had freshly cooked homemade buffalo wings since my mom was alive, she made them really good.

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Yeah I definitely do notice that the less I restrict I’m a lot less likely to binge, I’m tracking how long I go without bingeing in an app I have. I’m trying to learn to find balance

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My breakfast today (before I poured in some almond milk)

I’m getting a new journal today. Excited because I haven’t journaled in a month or so because my old journal fell apart