Roll Call 200

Like I’ve spent money on football games and mocktails and stuff but I was spending a lot of money on alcohol a week. My sober app tracks how much money I’ve saved not drinking and it’s like $800 it’s crazy.

I would rather spend a bunch of money on sporting events and **** than getting blackout drunk lol.

Edit: I did have a couple shorter streaks and if I add all that money together it’s more like $1,200 so that’s crazy.

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Dissociating

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Meditated, took a klonopin, and talked to my bf and that seemed to help some

Also played with Mustachio for awhile with her favorite toy

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Took more Latuda than I am supposed to but 80 mg really helps more than 40 mg. So I took 80 mg.

Also should mention that I am switching psychiatrists on Monday so hopefully the new one will have a new (better) opinion. I just want to feel grounded again.

I feel so out of it in general.

Also why in psychiatry is there such a thing called "compliance?" I have always wondered that. It's like the psychiatrist is supposed to know better than the patient what is good for the patient. That idea has always sat badly with me.

Postscript: I just think I'm depressed.

I also have a 17000+ word translation project to finish this coming week and I feel stressed about it. I should be happy right? But I feel like I'm never gonna finish it.

I need to get organized I suppose.

I cut out coffee for a few weeks and switched to black tea and lowered the amount over the past few weeks. So I just finished my last cup and have no more so now I’m going caffeine free, so no more caffeine , tea, or coffee, including decaf (to help keep my teeth in better shape since the acidity is bad for enamel). Anyway, hopefully that helps my anxiety. I know I’m probably still gonna get a withdrawal headache and low mood the first couple weeks without it. But it will be fine.

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Super excited to go grocery shopping next week. This is my list

Tomorrows plans:

20 minute meditation
Clean apartment thoroughly
30 minutes on treadmill
Crunches, weights, squats and yoga
Sit outside for 30 minutes (with sunscreen on)
Practice piano
Shower
Read

Sunday I'm supposed to go to church with my friend. We were gonna go last Sunday but he overslept so we didn't. So I'm hoping we can go this time because I miss it.

I have to write a 500 word thing about how supportive housing has impacted me and my life so I can submit it since I’m a candidate to be nominated as tenant of the year. So I’ll do that this Sunday

Also poor Maybelle is hiding right now because people are setting off fireworks outside

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Can you break it up into smaller chunks? Like 1200 words per day or whatever you fee would be doable in the time frame you have. Set a timer and focus solely on what you’re doing and keep doing that till you finish. Maybe give yourself short breaks after every mini goal you reach, so once you hit 1200 words maybe take a break and watch a show or work on music or something enjoyable to you. Then get back to it afterward. That’s usually what helped me when I was in college and had large essays and papers to complete in a deadline

I think the hardest part about things like that is just getting started. The more you think about it the more one is likely to procrastinate and put it off. So I just try to jump in on things like that even if I feel like I won’t finish or it won’t be perfect or I don’t feel up to it at the moment

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I’m trying to incorporate DBT into my life more. Especially mindfulness. Sick of the intense emotions. And mood swings. When they’re good they’re amazing and to the point of euphoric but when they’re bad they’re rage and suicidal and self hatred and crying etc etc the up and down and all over the place drives me nuts. And the dissociation. I actually had the urge to today to try and snap myself out of the dissociation. I used to do that a lot in my teens and early adulthood but haven’t in like 10 years. Which is why it was weird to feel like that today.

I just feel urges to punch stuff, break stuff, punch myself in the head, etc. I’m really sick of the intense emotions. Idk why but they’ve gotten really bad again over the past 3 or 4 months.

Anyway , I’m reading the book the Tattooist of Auschwitz. It kind of puts things in perspective. When little things set me off. Like really, these people had nothing and everything taken from them and so many killed and many still found ways to help one another while in concentration camps with acts of kindness. Even in all that horror

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Thanks Blue_Bird, that really helps! I think I'll try to just get started today and see where that gets me, and yeah taking breaks is a great idea as well after each mini goal is reached.

There's a skill in DBT called the "STOP skill". I currently use it a lot.

STOP is an acronym. S stands for Stop. I.e., stop what you're doing. This could just be mentally, but physically stopping can be helpful too.

T stands for take a step back. Take a step back from what you're doing. This could also be in the form of taking a deep breath or something of the like to distance oneself from the situation/emotion at hand.

O is observe. Observe the situation, observe the emotion, observe whatever is going on in the present moment.

P is proceed mindfully. This doesn't need much explaining, but proceed in the way that feels right to you.

(Keep in mind this isn't verbatim DBT but just my interpretation of it).

Great. Now they want a fking meeting so all the new volunteers can meet all the old volunteers. I know this is a set up. They're gonna say "Ah, yes, here's Sam, we must get her out of here ASAP. Can't have any of those environmentalists around." And there was bloody vomit in rm 6, but they don't suspect W even though I told them he had bloody stools last week! No, they think it's the one with a respiratory infection. W is going to die, and it's going to look like my fault, and they're going to jail me for animal abuse.

I think you might be paranoid.

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Nobody has had a vet assess W yet and then they throw in a sick roommate to throw everyone off. I'm not paranoid. They didn't digitalize the notes about him I wrote. Those were the only notes that weren't digitalized.

They might be ****** but I don’t think anyone is conspiring to get you arrested.

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You weren't there Monday. There was an extra person who wasn't even supposed to be there who left after "chatting" with my partner in the intake area about "God knows what" (I know exactly what).

Thunderstorm again. It’s rained a lot almost every day this whole month.

Perfect reading and gaming weather though

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Couldn't get much done today, though I did stay up super exceedingly late last night (i.e., later than I want to admit).

So I basically got 1 hour of sleep or something like that.

Not ideal for working all day. So I didn't get much done.

Muddy how have your meds been any change? Weren’t you trying something new? It may not be working…

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They just added Saphris

Yeah I stayed up until 4:30am - I got 4 hours of sleep, walked into work super tired. So I drank 3x cups of coffee, constant work for 3 hours, then left at noon.

I feel very awake now though. I had a shower, got ready, refilled meds into the med box etc. I ran out of a pain med (Which was planned - Just wanted a bit of endorphins for a while). I took the afternoon 20mg Dexedrine and 75mg of pregabalin + a small microdose. I haven't used ket in over a week - Mood is pretty good (I can still get suicidal at odd times).

I started the 5mg of olanzepine again (For a week), and will now just use it as PRN again, and take a 3mg Invega pill (Every day, at 5pm). Cuz I've gained weight, and prefer to not have that happen, and prevent insulin resistance/tolerance.

It's my birthday, and I have to talk to my autist kitty gf (With AvPD) - She just writes a lot, and it's tiring. I made it clear, that I need to be productive and alone until I feel more secure with my mind/life.

I had a good visit with my dad - We stayed up until 1am, talking.. At one point, I was just talking, for like 15 minutes straight (And he was just listening) - He says that my mind isn't deteriorating. I could.. become a millionaire, somehow. I don't like my job. I wish I were like him, and could be spontaneous, say anything to anyone.. Maybe be threatening (In some way) - So people wouldn't pick on me at work. My mom says that I'm able to work full time, but really - That makes me think of suicide even more.

My dad left, and I felt really sad - But it's all okay.. I just wish people listened to me, about the inter dimensions...

My mom will bring a cake and pizza, and we'll hang out outside with a few people - Then I'll go to sleep earlier (Or at least I'll try - My mental state is so different at night. It's addictive to stay up longer, and time goes by so fast).

Defo! I always find winter good for those with less daylight hours.