[zooropa]

It's been almost 6 weeks since the last time I cut, but today was bad, and I tried & tried all the distress tolerance skills I've learned in dbt, but in the end my desire to cut was just too great. I knew it would feel good, and it DID.

but now, the guilt & shame.

I have to decide what to tell T tomorrow when I see her, and know she's going to be disappointed in me, maybe as much or more than I am disappointed in myself.

[paintingravens]

(((((((((((((((zooropa)))))))))))))))))

[MINIME]

ok so now its been a whole day? You have one day thats awesome! The thing is never give up and if you fall down you get back up and keep walking ok? One day thats great. You know what they say a journey of a million miles starts with a single step. Here I will walk with you on that first step. Walk

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by MINIME

You know whatthey say a journey of a million miles starts with a single step.Her I will walk with you on that first step. Walk

thank you. It's amazing how good it feels to imagine someone taking that step with me. thanks.

[Sannah]

Zooropa, hopefully your T will discuss with you why you needed to SI. SI is a coping method. You won't need to cope anymore if you deal with the issues that cause you to need to cope. Keep us posted?

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

Zooropa, hopefully your T will discuss with you why you needed to SI. SI is a coping method. You won't need to cope anymore if you deal with the issues that cause you to need to cope. Keep us posted?

I had my session w/T today & we talked quite a bit about the SI, since I had indicated it on my diary card. This is not something new & we have talked about it a lot, so she knows that I understand the reasons why I do it, but we talked about the deeper feelings too, the self hate & the punishment involved, the things that come into play later after that initial rush has faded. That was a side of SI that I have not talked openly with T about before, so it was good I think.

She wanted me to come home & be on the phone with someone while I gather up all the blades in my apt & throw them away in the dumpster, and then call and let her know when I had done it, but I'm not going to do it, I don't think. And I'm not sure why, only that I'm emotionally exhausted already & just don't want to deal with it tonight.

[Sannah]

I am so glad that you had a good session with your T! Keep us posted?

[zooropa]

I did go through & throw away the blades that I use for SI this morning. Threw them in the outside garbage cans so I can't get them back out later

then I called T & let her know. She had the ultimate typical therapist reaction: "how do you feel about that?" LOL I think she was surprised, b/c she called me last night to see if I had done it yet & I said no, I was too tired & scared to dig out the blades, that it might make me start cutting, so the plan was for me to call her this morning & she'd be on the phone w/me while I gathered them up & threw them away. But I wanted to do it alone, so when I called her it was done & I think she was surprised.

Anyway, it's done.

[Sannah]

Very good!

[stupidsminkle]

It definitely sounds to me like you're ready to move on from this I can tell you're trying very hard and want to change. One thing that stood out to me while reading your post was that you said your therapist would be disappointed in you. I think Ts should always be supportive and never make you feel guilty if you slip up. I'm amazed that you had the strength to throw away your tools It really shows that you're ready to quit.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by stupidsminkle

It definitely sounds to me like you're ready to move on from this I can tell you're trying very hard and want to change. One thing that stood out to me while reading your post was that you said your therapist would be disappointed in you. I think Ts should always be supportive and never make you feel guilty if you slip up. I'm amazed that you had the strength to throw away your tools It really shows that you're ready to quit.

thank you! Unfortunately, I have gotten rid of all my "tools" many times before, and there is always something else. The world is full of sharp objects. But throwing away this latest set of tools, it was a step in the right direction. One of these times I'll get it right & not start cutting again.

Also, my T is very careful to make sure that I'm not judging myself after an incident of SI, she will tell me that is just is what it is and not to be so hard on myself. So I don't think she is doing anything to communicate her disappointment, but I know it's got to be hard on her, to go over this with me over and over again. I know she has to be disappointed, either that or she just doesn't care, and I don't want to think that.

[stupidsminkle]

Originally Posted by zooropa

thank you! Unfortunately, I have gotten rid of all my "tools" many times before, and there is always something else. The world is full of sharp objects. But throwing away this latest set of tools, it was a step in the right direction. One of these times I'll get it right & not start cutting again.

Also, my T is very careful to make sure that I'm not judging myself after an incident of SI, she will tell me that is just is what it is and not to be so hard on myself. So I don't think she is doing anything to communicate her disappointment, but I know it's got to be hard on her, to go over this with me over and over again. I know she has to be disappointed, either that or she just doesn't care, and I don't want to think that.

I know what you mean. When you are desperate enough, you find other ways to satisfy it. Although getting rid of tools does make it less easy for you to indulge in the urges, so that is a positive thing ^_^ And maybe you should express to her that you still have fears of disappointing her and of her not caring about you anymore. I say this because those are the types of thoughts that put me back into the negative state of mind and withdraw from people, and because my therapist reassured me that it's not how she feels or will ever feel.

[Kiya]

I "fell down" this month too - after quite a while of not harming. Give yourself credit for the 6 weeks, pick yourself back up, acknowledge to T if you can that you fell, and go on. I wasn't going to tell t either, but in the end i did, and didn't even try to hide them. They are what they are. I did the best I could and had put it off all day. I guess i learned this time that it is only a crisis if i make it one. Otherwise, it was simply an oooops and i can go on.

That said, I do hope you are ok and if you needed treatment, that you got it. I hope you can be ok =)

[Elysium]

~Zoo

Six weeks without cutting!!! That's amazing!!!! Seriously...that is huge. I'm proud of you for being so strong.

Everybody who manages thoughts of self injury will slip back a bit...like a relapse. The points are A)You went SIX weeks without cutting, and B)You utilized your DBT skills!!

DBT is tough....I've been through it. It's tough to get to a point where you actually can remember to even think about using your skills. It sounds like you were successful today. You managed to not only think of your skills, but you made an honest effort to put them into practice. Okay...you cut...and it did feel good, I know...and now you feel like crap. We know all about the short term gains with long term negative consequences don't we?

So what!!!!

No one learns to ride a bike the first time they get on...or even the second or third. Sometimes you're going to lose your balance, fall and scrape your knees.

My point....celebrate the fact that instead of just going straight for the cut, you used your skills!!! And for a little while they worked. I bet before DBT you wouldn't have been able to keep yourself from cutting from that long.

You see failure....I see success. You did a good job!! Now get back on the bike and keep practicing. You'll find your balance.

One day at a time!!

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by stupidsminkle

And maybe you should express to her that you still have fears of disappointing her and of her not caring about you anymore. I say this because those are the types of thoughts that put me back into the negative state of mind and withdraw from people, and because my therapist reassured me that it's not how she feels or will ever feel.

That would be huge for me, if I could be that open w/T about my fears of disappointing her. Thanks for that, I will put that on my list of things that I want to say to her, if I can ever be brave enough!

Originally Posted by Kiya

I guess i learned this time that it is only a crisis if i make it one. Otherwise, it was simply an oooops and i can go on.

wow! I've never thought about it that way, but yes, I can see that I can choose whether to make it a CRISIS!! or just a bad day. I guess I've always felt like, "omg, I'm in crisis, again!" w/o stopping to think about my choice to be in crisis or not. thank you so much for that different perspective!!

Originally Posted by Elysium3006

~Zoo

My point....celebrate the fact that instead of just going straight for the cut, you used your skills!!! And for a little while they worked. I bet before DBT you wouldn't have been able to keep yourself from cutting from that long.

You see failure....I see success. You did a good job!! Now get back on the bike and keep practicing. You'll find your balance.

One day at a time!!

thanks, that was really validating. You're right, before DBT I would not have stopped to think or try anything else. I've also learned WHY I cut, and that has been helpful when those urges come, to know why.

When I talked to T about this she reminded me that it will get easier, that there will come a time when I don't think about SI, when my new skills are what comes naturally. And that every time I get through wanting to SI and don't DO it, I'm laying now new neural pathways that move me along my path to healing. She has told me this before, lots, but I needed reminding.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I know it's got to be hard on her, to go over this with me over and over again. I know she has to be disappointed, either that or she just doesn't care, and I don't want to think that.

There is a third option here - She might be seeing that you are on the path of healing and that it isn't a straight or perfect shot to the finish line. She is very most likely a very patient person and she can wait for you to find your way...............

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by Sannah

There is a third option here - She might be seeing that you are on the path of healing and that it isn't a straight or perfect shot to the finish line. She is very most likely a very patient person and she can wait for you to find your way...............

good job catching me in black-and-white thinking, Sannah!

[mum2four]

Originally Posted by zooropa

I did go through & throw away the blades that I use for SI this morning. Threw them in the outside garbage cans so I can't get them back out later

then I called T & let her know. She had the ultimate typical therapist reaction: "how do you feel about that?" LOL I think she was surprised, b/c she called me last night to see if I had done it yet & I said no, I was too tired & scared to dig out the blades, that it might make me start cutting, so the plan was for me to call her this morning & she'd be on the phone w/me while I gathered them up & threw them away. But I wanted to do it alone, so when I called her it was done & I think she was surprised.

Anyway, it's done.

I know the feeling of not wanting to be near the item you might use to SI I get so scared of haveing a shower to calm down in case I do some to SI I get so many intrusive thought when I feel at risk of SI and they make me feel like if I even move a mussle or some thing will come in to my head that I cant ignore anylonger. I started to SI at about 7y old with very hot water. My OCD seem to have kept my Si in check. As my OCD gets better I just hope to be able to not SI anymore.

[zooropa]

Originally Posted by mum2four

I get so many intrusive thought when I feel at risk of SI and they make me feel like if I even move a mussle or some thing will come in to my head that I cant ignore anylonger.

I can definitely relate to that, sometimes I feel like if I move at all I will set off some chain of events that is out of my control, like the inertia of holding still is all that's keeping me from breaking into a million pieces or flying into a rage, or cutting. Those times I usually just lay in bed & cry.

That said, it's been a week today since I started this thread, and a week since I last cut, so I guess I'm giving myself a little pat on the back here. It was a hard week & my desire to SI was at a 5 out of 5 most days, but I made it through, thanks in part to support from here.

[mum2four]

Yer its like alcoholic who was sober for a while or years and took a stumble back ward with alcohole. Once you stumble back to SI your battle begins again to gain control and everyday you dont listen and get threw with out it is worth a big pat on the back. The intensity that the SI thought have some days makes me cry and want to scream GO AWAY as if it was real person standing next to screaming at me to SI the only problem is that its in my head and I cant walk away from the problem your forced to deal with it head on.
I stumbled about a mth ago and have many bad day that I thought would make me give in for sure but I too have not given in. I've cryed and been angry and tired of fighting my thoughts so tired its like holding a door shut when someone is trying to get in the room your in and you just dont want them to come in to your space. I feel like I'm at the point of exaustion and dont know if I can keep the door shut the next time the thought try to gain control over me.
I cryed the other night while having a shower from the stress of the images flashing threw my mind I just want to have a shower by my self with out the images I'd almost forget what it felt like to shower with those images. Its really strange I've had the images all my life yet now that I know they should not be there they are so much harder to cope with I some days which I never went on my medication cause I would not have got to know what it was like with out them. On the other hand I know that I was starting to have no life at all. Its strange it like wanting to feel nieve again wanting to stick my head back in the sand. I know its not helpfull but some times it feel more peacefull to be nieve.
Keep the strength going your doing well.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by zooropa

it's been a week today since I started this thread, and a week since I last cut, so I guess I'm giving myself a little pat on the back here. It was a hard week & my desire to SI was at a 5 out of 5 most days, but I made it through, thanks in part to support from here.

Yah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!