[PlanningtoLive]

I'm sitting here and getting drunk and just made 4 new cuts on legs that are already so bad, it's pathetic.........and my thought as I bleed - good job...

This past week has been very bad for me. I miss the communication with my T and then I feel awful because the poor man is sick and that, of course, comes ahead of my whining.

I just want to call him, tell him about my drinking and cutting.....but can't and won't. I know all of you are here for me and I appreciate that so very much. I just need HIM - and I hate that feeling. I was trying not to cut by drinking and doing half-way well, until tonight.

I'm sick of hearing the question about whether I am alone here in this room and why does it take so long to answer the phone, blah, blah, blah. It's not just him, it's my feelings about everything.

Oh geez, I moved the napkins (which are covered in it) and counted.......not 4, but 9. [sigh]

Going home stresses me out.....my back worries me. That injection has only caused more pain there, and has done nothing for my leg.

I don't see my T till Nov. 5th.......it's too far away.

[Serenity]

My sweet Mary Alice...I cant ever pretend to understand.....I never had the SI issues..though I can admit to emotionally "cutting" myslef to shreds.
Im sure the dinking doesnt help with the strength to stop yourself. Gosh I hate not knowing what to say.
Sick or not...I say call him...from all Ive seen of your posts of him...he would care. And it might also reassure you.
Grrr wish I were there instead...we could find others things to ease the tension.
My heart hurts for you Mary Alice, i wish I knew what to say or how to help but I do love ya and hate that youre hurting.
Always seeking Serenity
Jennifer

[PlanningtoLive]

*******hugs*********** Jenn. I really wish I could, and yes I know if I did, it would be okay with him, but I just can't do that to someone who is sick. He's been out of the office for 3 days and hasn't checked his email. The poor man needs a break from my whining.

I wish you were here too.......lol. We could share a drink and hope for better things.

I care lots about you.......ty, but me hurting seems to be an everyday thing. I'll fall asleep soon before I do something too stupid.

[Serenity]

Well..Im having my wine f that counts...seems to hlp me get to sleep too....and stop saying you whine grrr...it isnt whining....I'll loan you a child you want real whining lol
You dont have to explain about hurting..that I do understand...hwo to deal with it...well if that isnt a whole other ballgame.(Damn Yankees lost lol)
*stroking your hair as we talk about life and its struggles...sipping SLOWLY on a glass of wine...watching you drift off to find peace in your dreams*
leep with Angels dear lady.....pleasse stop cuttig for tonight

[poptardqueen]

Hey Darlin,
I'm sitting here feeling just awful for what you're going through, cause I am there as well. I totally understand your not wanting to interrupt your therapist, but as you've told me, if it's that dire maybe you should at least email him. But no matter what you've got me & everyone here behind you. At this moment I imagine we are both in a similar state, I just am heavily medicated as opposed to drunk (though I have been leaning towards that more and more because I have so much alcohol stored up in my room for some reason) and I have not yet cut tonight, though i imagine that as soon as I get offline that's where tonight is headed. Nov. 5th is a LONNNNGGGG time away, cause SO much can happen in almost two weeks. Just know that if there's anything i can do for you ( though I know the internet has its limitations) I'm here. I find myself craving my T all the time too, i suppose because it's the only person who really has some indication of who I am. I even have staged conversations with her all the time in some attempt to recreate the lack of communication i suffer outside or my sessions. Just hang in there, and like you said, just don't jump overboard. Take care, and remember that you're not alone (eventhough I know that is truly hard to believe). I heart you : )

-------Kelly-------

[PlanningtoLive]

(((((((((((Serenity)))))))))))))) ty, my friend.

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Geez don't be as stupid as me.....if you haven't cut, don't please. Let one of us use their brain........lol.

I have emailed him before, that's how I know he is not even picking up his email. Yes, he understands me better than anyone ever has - sees through every little trick and mask I wear. Usually I hear him in my head when I do something stupid - but not lately. It's terrible that I need babysitting at my age.

You have done alot since you've arrived. I have a new friend and someone who can help guide this silly boat .

It's a two-way street..........you know I'm here for you as well - don't doubt that.

Mary Alice

[Serenity]

omgosh youre little icon man is a riot...I feel like that during the day...eyes flashing bulbs blinking head spinning...that was funny!

[PlanningtoLive]

miniature space road runner lol.

[heidu]

Sending warm hugs....
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[LadyDragus]

My Darling Mary ALice,
again I say I wish I was with you, I want you to be not hurting yourslef anymore.. I want to be with you just like Jenn..I wish we lived closer, so you would have someone that you could actually call on the phone when you get like this, besided your T.. you need an outlet, that will always be there for you, and I mean truly be there for you.
Online means comfort, to you. Bring that into your life more often..
Stop with the drinking, that will only make things worse than they already are..
I can handle the fact that you cutt.. I used to, and I have to keep telling myself.. Do i want my child to see these and ask why does mommie have scares all over her body???

I see the punjuctures of the needeles on Breanna, all the time, and I cry everytime I see them, and the scars from the tubes she had to have in her at all times when she was first born, and all I want to do is start cutting agin.. I have not cut on myslef in over a year, but I know write now, it would be so easy, but then again, my blood would pour, out and I may not be able to stop it, because of the asprin I have to take daily...

Please Please Love yourself enough to stop, or try to stop..

I know you have the strength to stop.. you have before Right,, Cant you do it again. .I know going home puts more stress on you, but Alex needs you in his life, and so do you need him in your life..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am almost feel you biting your tongue.....am I right? [sad]

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Trish........my head hurts this afternoon (gee, I wonder why....lol). And yes,it is better to laugh about it then get more depressed.

The drinking will have to stop when I am home, which means the cutting will get worse as I will have more stress at home. Alex doesn't see the cuts, they are on my upper thighs and it's not summer, so they aren't normally visible. The other ones on my arms have bothered him and I told him they were because I acted stupid.......he didn't ask anything else.

I'm sorry about Breanna........and the amount of pain it causes you to feel. I hate marks or bruises on Alex - thank goodness those are temporary.

[sigh] my day off today and I get phone calls every hour and a half from him checking up on me to see what I "am doing". Or in his thinking, who's here with me and what I am doing with someone else...gets old. Told him to stop calling me constantly, and that provoked a "why, would I be interrupting something?" Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

You take care of yourself, please. I'm managing - not the best way lately, but the only way that is working for me right now.

xxoxoxo

Mary Alice

[Serenity]

sounds insecure to me. Maybe if he was providing what you needed both emotionally and physically he wouldnt be so damn paranoid da Jerk.
*curbing personal feeling*
Im shushin now

[heidu]

Actually Mary Alice no tongue biting. I know you realize what you are doing and only you can stop. All I can do is send a warm caring hug your way so that's exactly what I did.
Here's another........
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

[PlanningtoLive]

He is insecure and non-trusting. You'd think after 9 years he'd know me a little better - the people here know me more than he does.......that tells you something.

lol - no need to shush. He misses me because he wants me physically - that is all he thinks and cares about. Because I don't focus my life around that, he claims I am "not normal". If that is the definition, then I guess not.

[LadyDragus]

ah,,,,,

Yes when someone keeps calling on your day off hour after hour, makes you jsut want to leave the cell in the room, and go take a loing walk and not come back till after dinner when you are ready to go to bed..
Trust me I understand that one..

My ex would call on his lunch hour to check up on me, which at first did not bother me, then it really bugged me to death

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[PlanningtoLive]

If I wasn't accessible for awhile, I'd be in pieces when I got home, literally.

It drives me more insane, esp.when everytime he calls, it's "what are you doing?" That's why he'll be glad when I'm home too, because I'm right there and not out of sight.

And I think I'm crazy............the wonderful world of bipolar he's in is worse than mine.

[LadyDragus]

I can agree with you on the fact that Bipolar is worse. my ex- is bipolar, and that gets way out of hand at times.. Trust Me I know

But hang in there, you said you would be home soon, and hopefully things will mellow out once you are at home..

I wish I could take away the pain for you, I would glady carry it for you ..

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't know what else to say that I haven't already said. Here are some hugs. I'm sorry it's so bad and I wish it would get better.

Sometimes I wish I could use alcohol. It seems to be generally more socially acceptable than SI. But I think it really just makes things worse and then I'm so glad that I never started drinking because I know if I did I'd never be able to stop.

What can I do to help you? You've offered your shoulder to me. Mine is also available for your use.

Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[PlanningtoLive]

Ty Lady, but you have enough to deal with on your end as well. I hope you are taking care of yourself and your beautiful child.

Have a good night. {{{{hugs}}}}}}

[PlanningtoLive]

Wendy, there isn't a thing you can do.......I appreciate the offer though.

I slept this afternoon for about 3 hours to get rid of the headache. Going to watch some tv and play on my computer, maybe -depending on my mood after a few more - call my T, and only because I have to work tomorrow during the day.

I hope you are alright - have a good night, ok? xoxox

Mary Alice

[Clau]

(((((MARY ALICE)))))))

I just read your post.. and Im really sorry.. I don't know what to say....

BUT... Im giving you my shoulders and warmest hugs hun!!!!

please.. take care....
Clau

[forgoten]

I'm thinking of you and sending you hugs

(((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))

forgoten

[PlanningtoLive]

Ty Clau and Forgoten *************hugs********************