Been Quiet

I've been really quiet lately about posting any new posts, just answering some here, but I need some input, please.

The last month I have been cutting very badly. I stopped doing it on my arm, which may have scars this time, and went to my upper thighs. They are so horrible but I can't seem to stop.

I have been more stressed lately due to my tests and wondering what is wrong with my leg. I have to go back to the hospital today (since it is about 1am here now) and get this nerve root block injection in my spine to deaden the nerve that is being pushed against by my hardware. If it doesn't work.........surgery is the only other option again. That is getting really old, btw.

I have, if anything, withdrawn more because of the time up at the hotel. I have only myself to think about and I do nothing here, not even watch tv. My husband, of course, thinks I am out partying and having tons of people over here, esp. men.

Everytime I think he is actually missing me, I realize it isn't me that he misses - just whatever money I can give him. The last time I was home, I bought him a cell phone - shouldn't have for financial reasons, but I did. That produced the "I really need cigs and gas more than the phone".......after all he has been doing is complaining that he doesn't have one - how I have so many - and that how is Alex's school supposed to get ahold of him? Using Alex again, as usual.

So, I get the phone and then he complains about the bill today. Then I set up an appt with energy assistance, which took me months to accomplish because of a waiting list, for an electric bill that is his fault - a back bill finally crossed and they charged us for it. He was supposed to go today - I wrote a reminder on the frig magnetic board, gave him all the paperwork and stuff he would need when I was home, and HE BLEW THE APPT. OFF.

On the way home tonight, he is yelling and screaming at me that all this is my fault because I didn't pay the bill last winter - excuse me, but the back bill is all his fault from several years ago and HIM not paying it. [sigh]. So, I lose my temper and yell back and he hangs up on me which really makes me mad. I call back and he threatens to move out - told him not to let the door hit him on the way.

I'm getting mad at my T these days because he isn't writing back to me and not showing concern. I sent him one the other day when I returned to the hotel telling him that I had some "physical issues here at home" and was in no shape to call him at the office. He sends me back an email with one word on it - "ok". [sigh] I'm acting like a spoiled brat with him and I know it, but that doesn't stop the anger I feel.

The thought of leaving up here and going home to HIM drives me insane - which isn't far off. When I left before I gave him money plus the phone, $40 to be exact and he blew it in less than a week. We didn't need food or anything. Now he's whining about how broke he is again and how he has to borrow money to "survive". I absolutely at this moment, hate his guts.

I'm trying so hard at work and trying to get home to see Alex when I can and dealing with him.......it's piling up again on me. I have to see my T today and then go over to the hospital. Alex and him are supposed to meet me over there - and I can't guarantee that I will even be remotely civilized to him - of course, he expects me to program his phone while they are doing the procedure on my spine.......grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

This is where all the anger is coming from, but the depression is getting worse as well. Plus my mom is still hurt, slowly getting better but she still can't go anywhere. At least she has progressed to walking slightly and I am expected to call everyday or I get yelled at.

See what happens when I stay quiet? Sorry for venting, but I actually feel like I am going to explode or seriously try to end up a widow.

Ok, Jeans and T shirt are on just need to grab my bat and I'm out the door.

Getting scared of replies form me yet sweetie? Well here I go anyway.

Job-good

Alex- Really really good

Time for yourself at the hotel- better than being at home with the jerk.

Knowing your T is there even if it's not so great as you would like- Pretty darn good

Feeling like you are just a paycheck- Bad

Getting yelled at for something that isn't your fault- Bad

The jerk making his screw up your fault- Bad

Receiving no appreciation for a thoughtful gift- Bad

Knowing that being home with the jerk will put you on the edge of insanity AGAIN- Bad

Blowing money and whining about it when he isn't working himself- Bad

Having to listen to jerk yelling and sreaming not because of you but because he is a jerk- Bad

Feeling more anger and depression because of having to deal with the jerk and put up with his ungrateful, selfish, uncaring attitude- Bad

Having to deal with the jerk when you could be relaxing and enjoying yourself with Alex- Bad

Knowing that Alex is feeling all this tension and stress between his parents- Bad

Knowing that Alex is seeing his mommy suffer emotionally at the hands of a jerk- Bad

Physical pain and suffering- Bad but fixable in time and less stressful if life itself is less stressful.

Not having anyone to take care of you and your needs while you are going thru this difficult time with physical pain- Bad (especially when there is someone there that is SUPPOSED to be helping you)

Are you seeing a pattern? It all revolves around ONE bad thing in your life. Every normal stress is made worse because you have to deal with him on top of it.
All those things you feel about yourself, that you aren't worth anything because you don't bring home a paychek....what about him? He not only doesn't work and support his family but he makes his son hurt and is so rotten abusive to his wife it's sickening.

The key Mary Alice to getting better and living a good, stable, healthy life is to cut out the really bad things in your life. Decide what isn't working for you, what makes your life harder or sometimes unbearable and let it go.

What is he giving you? A relationship is about love and caring and supporting. Not about pushing and taking and abusing. He gives nothing to you and takes away every shredd of life you have. To take care of him, fulfill his needs. Drop the garbage at the curb Mary Alice. Your life will be so much better if you clean out the house of the trash. You'll be able to breathe and walk around in peace and so will your son.

Ok, done......you know I care :O)- Good

Hugs sweetie,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

I agree with Heidu, Mary Alice. The cutting and thinking of suicide are because you hurt and are angry. The anger needs to be directed at the source of what's causing it, (primarily HIM), and not toward yourself.

Expressing anger constructively is a huge challenge for many people, (I know it's a real biggie for me, thus the chronic depression), and, as Heidu suggests, cutting the toxicity of your husband's abusive and neglectful treatment of you out of your life just may have to be the route you take, (and I know that's not an easy decision to make).

Will have you in my thoughts and prayers (even more than usual)today.

Warmest regards.

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}

Do you remember me telling you before that I wish I had someone in my corner when I was in a similar situation like you a few years back? You have it here hun...please remember that.

Read Heidu's post over and over again......I could not have said it any better.... we are here hun.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu, Heather, Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} thanks all of you.

I saw the pattern when I was venting and typing. Heidu? I am never tired of hearing from you and your input. You have wonderful insight and make me laugh on top of it.....thank you.

I realize that alot of my stress is due to him - he certainly fosters my low self-esteem issues. He is not the only problem - just part of it. The bigger issue lies within myself and my own emotional problems.

I think if I was able to ever get a handle on those, I might be capable of dealing with him and cleaning up the mess.

I just found out my T is out sick and was yesterday also - one good reason why he has not responded to my email (there's that spoiled brat again, not thinking that maybe there is a legit exscuse for his silence). All I have today is my hospital appt then - would rather have that reversed.........lol.

My husband did call me this morning and reschedule the appt. - now it is next month. He acted like everything was just fine between us. Geez I wish I could ignore things like he does - well, maybe a happy medium between the two.

Jill, thanks for the extra thoughts today. A needle in my spine is not a comfortable way to spend the day...lol.

Heather, you are so sweet. Thanks for the offer, I have it in the back of my mind, really.

xoxoxox Take care all.

Mary Alice

Good luck with the doc, I don't envy you at all. Wish I could be there for support though.

"I realize that alot of my stress is due to him - he certainly fosters my low self-esteem issues."

He fosters and contibutes greatly to your problems and self esteem issues.

"The bigger issue lies within myself and my own emotional problems."

The answer does lie within us. Part of that is not to heal somehow and THEN lose the stuff that is a major contributor. It is to realize what is contributing and cut it from your life so you CAN heal.

"I think if I was able to ever get a handle on those, I might be capable of dealing with him and cleaning up the mess"

I really believe that as long as you are in that relationship you will constantly and consistantly be pushed to the edge. Mary Alice, you are wanting to end your life. You are strong and courageous. You have support here and I know your T will support you in making a major life decision for the good. I know it's not easy but your life and the life of your son is at stake. Nothing will change. He won't change, he will continue to make your life the hell that it DOES NOT need to be.

Imagine peace, coming home to just Alex and being loved. Not being nagged for cigs, not being yelled at for whatever he can come up with. Not feeling worthless because someone makes you feels that way.

Just imagine.

You said you were a step out the door once but I believe you back surgery held things up.

What stops you from doing something you were ready to do before? Talk to me my friend.
Hugs,
Heidu

When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.- Alexander Graham Bell

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

This is an excellent place to vent, as you well know. Ty for letting us know what is going on in your life lately. When you are staying quiet I'm concerned about you. I am when you talk about your problems too, but then at least you're expressing it and giving us a chance to tell you one more time that we're still here and we care and we understand.

Since you asked for input, recognized the pattern as far as what all the bad things happening are connected to, and you feel like it might be nice to be a widow, what might you do to improve this situation? Any number of us would love to help you out with this, but we can't - it has to be you. Why do you let him stay around and continue using you? You don't need him. He doesn't help with things. The money is yours and you have control of it. You aren't dependent on him. He's not supportive. He hurts you. When are you going to kick him out? Why have you let him stay? Maybe kicking him out would be doing him a favor too - maybe he would learn to stand on his own two feet and act like a human being. I doubt it, but there's always the chance.

I'm glad that your mom is getting a little better. Thanks for the update on her too - I've continued to worry about her.

You know that I care about you, and whatever support I can give you is yours. I wish that I could do more. I want so much for your life to improve. It sounds like your job is going well. You're good at it - I hope that you feel good about that. Alex loves you so much. You are a wonderful person and you deserve to have a good life. I'd love to be able to give that to you, but you're going to have to give it to yourself. First of all, you have to want it for yourself (and for Alex too). You have so much potential. I wish that you could see the good in yourself.

We're here - vent any time you feel like it.

Love,
Wendy


<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

Heidu, ****hugs********

I keep trying to imagine that sense of peace and calmness. I would still feel about myself the way I do, I just wouldn't have someone there to reinforce my own beliefs.

Yes, my back surgery came up. I didn't expect to be offered a job - was, and still am, hoping for disability so the physical pain can stop. Since I did get the job, then I had to leave......and Alex needed someone there that he cares about.

I have cut down extensively on my bills - what I need, and don't need. I'm trying to dig my way out of the hole that being off work for 6 months got me into, and it will take awhile. I still have to deal with Alex's tuition and some other major bills, but it should at least be manageable after a few more checks.

I can't afford child care right now - which saves me quite a bit of money. I can't tell my employer that I can only work day time hours, then it would be goodbye manager.

I want to get caught up and start trying to save. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that by the first of the year that will happen. Xmas is coming along with Alex's birthday and since I am the only one as usual to buy him anything.........there it goes.

I had the injection today and they did hit the right nerve - my left leg became even more numb to the touch afterwards, but it didn't last. The leg is the same now as it was before the injection - no lessening of any pain or numbness. The nurse said that maybe in a month the second injection will make more progress..........I said hang on there - I'm not coming in here every month for this - no way.

Which means another surgery that I have to go thru within a 4 day time span or lose my job and/or pay. It seems like every door I go thru, I am blocked after awhile.

If I have another surgery, who knows what will happen. I'm still waiting on disability and will probably have to appeal again. Yes, I want to end my life and I know at some point I will try again, esp. when I get home and have to deal with him. I know that the ultimate decisions are mine and that only I can change things. I'm juggling alot at the moment, as usual.

Thanks for the input.

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I am trying very hard not to vent here that much anymore. I just kind of exploded that day and couldn't do what I really wanted to do, so I typed.

I need him with Alex for now - Alex cares about his dad and I don't have to worry about paying for day care. He is cheaper, just the hassles are worse. No, he's not supportive, does indeed hurt me both physically and mentally, and makes me feel like a real loser most of the time. I don't know what happened to him - when we first met, he was so supportive and there for me. He is the one that gave me confidence in myself that I could achieve anything - and ironically enough, he is the one who is trying to tear it all down now. I think the new me back then made him insecure.

Yes, my mom is getting there. She has not gone outside of the house since the fall - she is not steady enough. I call at least every other day and ask - otherwise she would never tell me.

Tonight after my doc appt., they came back with me up here. My husband got the chance to check out my little home here and where I work (see, no one was under the bed....lol).

Where I work serves food, and has games for the kids. It is geared towards children, which I just love. When we went there, Alex went crazy.......his eyes lit up and all he wanted to do was get tokens to play the games and then turn them in for prizes. He had never been to this place before and we had sooo much fun together. My husband tried, and failed, to win alot of tickets so Alex and I scored 421 between us.

That boy was so excited - it was a joy to watch him and hear him keep yelling for me to come and watch and play with him. My husband just trailed behind. The manager on duty didn't charge me for our dinner plus gave us 100 tokens on the house to play with.

I ended up getting him a stuffed animal - the logo character of the restaurant - and paying the difference. When they left for home, Alex was curling up with his new "friend" and telling him about all the rest of our "pets" at home. I got a kiss from him and his animal. How I wanted to keep him here with me, but he is way too young and needs to go to school.

My husband got lost leaving, called me (my fault - poor directions), so I had to find him and get him on the right interstate. Alex zonked out fairly soon after that. Poor child, I introduced him to all the employees and wore him out.

Then since my husband made me so angry, I stopped and picked up some beer and wine coolers and here I sit - calming down..........[sigh].

Work wise, yes I do have potential - the efficient one takes very good care of that. The inner me is having fits because we haven't seen our T in awhile.

Take care, Wendy - you're the best.

xoxoxo

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm so glad that you had some fun with Alex las night. He loves you so much. Thanks for sharing that with us.

That is what I want for you all the time - for you to enjoy spending time with Alex and maybe to have other people you enjoy having in your life too.

I hope that you can get disability and/or the pain in your back and leg can be eliminated or at least managed better.

You are a wonderful person. Smart, strong, loving (I know you'll argue but Alex is the proof that you are). You deserve to be happy.

I'm so glad to have you as a friend.

xoxoxox
Wendy


<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

Me??? argue with those compliments?? :X

Alex told everyone at school about last night and how he's having his b-day party there......now the whole class wants to go there - all 20 of them. This place is very popular with kids. :::::::scratchin head:::::::::::::::: gonna cost me a fortune, but for his first party, I'll manage it somehow.

Always be around for you. xoxox

Mary Alice

You know, I think me needs to check this fourm more often.. So I can see how you do.. I am so sorry, you are having all these problems..

I wish I could do something to help you out,
I knew you were cutting again but not that badly.. Honey, please talk to me, you have offerd your shoulder, to me, why cant I offer mine to you ????

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>

[sigh] Lady, I have over 15 cuts on me, and the last four days other than when I am at work, I am drinking......alot. There, I said it. But hey, I'm still around - a little worse for wear and lately intoxicated, but breathing.

I think the cuts are infected......the skin is hot and there are red streaks on my thighs. I keep not letting them heal - I take the knife and go at the scabs.

I am doing well at work - my DM came in today and congratulated me on my test results and my performance - the outside me is flourishing.

The cuts on my arm have left scars I believe. Thankfully no one has really mentioned them and I ran out of long sleeve shirts to wear.

I talk wayyyyyyy too much when drinking. I want to call my T, but he's sick. I really, truly need him. But it goes away after awhile when I get sleepy from drinking. I was actually almost late a couple of times........my meds make me more sleepy with the alcohol.

Anyway.......I am fine, really. My life always has issues, because it is my fault and I don't change things. So, no need to fret. xoxoxoxox

My Darling Mary Alice..
I will frett, for you are a friend of mine.. I care about you, and that will never stop. I just truly wish I could help you out more ..

You are changing your life, little by little.. YOu have a better job now, and someday soon you will or might be able to get you and Alex out of that "loveless" marraige.. I do not think your life will be on a downward sprail much longer..

You hvae a faith I wish I had, you have stretnth that I no longer have, and you have the courage to face your fears.. Which i will never be able to.

We are ment to be sad at times, but boy when does the sadness ever stop ?

<font color=purple>The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost.
- G.K. Chesterton
<font color=purple>