[poptardqueen]

I currently go to a therapist twice a week, yet desoite the fact that I have been going since January of this year, I have never been able to bring up the fact that I have SI in the past and have currently gone back to my old habits. I recently told her that I was feeling very suicidal and even had a special bottle of pills waiting in my medicine cabinet for when I got the urge. She at first gave me the option of whether I wanted her to call my parents & put me in inpatient, or if I thought I could keep from harming my self she would stay quiet. Later that week she decided that since it had not gotten and better, she gave me no option as to whether she was going to call my parents and let them know ( since apparently shes legally obligated to do so even though Im 19). I know she only did this to keep my safe, but I feel betrayed on some levels, and feel that it has only complicated the issue. I am cutting more and more now, and every time I go I want to talk to her about it since NO ONE knows, but I am afraid that she will have to tell my parents or automatically commit me. Any advice as to whether she is obligated to do so or what I should do would be very helpful, Thanks!

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Pop, welcome to our group.

I had the same problem with my T back in Sept. He had me picked up and detained in the psych ward because I wouldn't promise him that I would be alive the next day.........I had no intention of being around, so he was correct.

In terms of SI, my T can't unless it is a life-threatening matter. Otherwise he must respect the patient/doc confidentiality. I have approx. 15+ cuts on me right now and he knows that I am doing it. They are deep, but not that deep to cause irreversible harm to myself.

I felt very betrayed when my T did that to me - but upon reflection, I understand why he did it. I wish he hadn't, but I'm not angry with him anymore like I was initially. It took us awhile to get back to our "normal" relationship.

I think you should mention it when you go. I usually see mine every week, every 2 at the most. Since my brief stay in psych, it has been almost every week. Tell her so that maybe she can help you - give you some alternatives to SI. That is what mine is trying to do. He knows that until I find something else that makes me feel better, I will continue to do it.

Take care, and let me know what happens, please. I am very interested, esp. due to my case.

Mary Alice

[poptardqueen]

Hey Mary Alice,
Thanks for the uber fast response, and I must say that I am very comforted in the fact that someone has gone through almost the exact same thing I'm going through. I agree with you that I need to tell her, but it's just hard to walk in there & go, "by the way, I like to cut myself with razors." I just saw her earlier today, and was so tempted, but she insisted talking about my mother the whole session and I saw so way to transition to my confession. I'm glad to know that just because of some cuts she can't ship me off. I've actually been seriously thinking about going to inpatient, but admit that I am terrified of going at the same time. I'd like to think it'd help me, but I suppose I'm afraid of what I might come out of there as and the subsequent stigma associated with being commited. I know these are petty reasons for not seeking treatment, but at the same time, I guess I'm just afraid that I'm nothing more than some whiny brat and will be dismissed as such. I just want the pain to end, and I'm getting more and more desperate and closer to the end of my rope. I've actually admitted to myself lately that I've given up, and it almost seems that I dont want to get better anymore. I am interested in knowing if you thought that the hospital stay actually helped you any, and whether it would be worthwhile to think about it seriously. Thanks again, and I'll be sure to keep you updated. I'm so glad I found this place!

---Kelly

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} it's scary how much alike our situation is.

My T noticed my marks because I allowed him to - I wore short sleeve shirts and he immediately saw them. I couldn't have just come out with it either.

A suggestion? Going in voluntarily is alot better than being committed. It enables you to leave without going thru the courts and having issues. When I was brought in, without any cuts at all mind you - they were just going on my T's word that I was having suicidal thoughts - they gave me two choices: stay on my own and leave when we all agreed on it and not before then, or be committed to a state hospital and go in front of a judge and possibly be sent away for 6 months. All of this without any marks on me at all........I had everyone convinced that my T was just upset with me but they had to hold me. I stayed voluntarily. If they saw me now I'd never get out..........lol.

I am still at the end of my rope, but I am hanging on to it for now. I feel the same way you do and am very tired of my life in general - all areas. This is why my T sees me on a weekly basis plus emails and phone calls when needed. He has made himself available by phone to me anytime at all, esp. if I feel the need to cut.

I felt safer in the hospital to be honest. I was still depressed, since I was on diff meds then..........Prozac to be exact. My pdoc has since changed my meds to Effexor (after realizing finally how low I was and how serious). I had to go to mandatory activities, which didn't bother me.

When I was first brought in, I was on 10 min. checks. I am very good at pretending to people that I am fine, so I got around those. They monitor you closely, I met with the staff of the psych ward and they talked to me, discussed me and I had to await their decision about my "condition". I had them fooled well enough that the only thing keeping me there was my T. He knows me better and sees right thru me.

There are many times that I wish I was back in the hospital - simply to get myself pulled together without any outside stress piling up on me..........I know that at some point in time, I will do it again. I will be more selective of how I talk to my T so I am not stopped again. But for now, he is keeping me going by being so available to me.

No one needs to know. The hospital will not release any info to anyone......my records are not even in my normal file, so only the psych ward has them. If people call there looking for you, they will be told you aren't there, unless you give the hospital permission to say so. Don't let that stop you if you need the time to get your head on straight.

You're not a whiny brat (gee I tell my T I act like a spoiled brat......lol), you just need some help and input from others. That is not a bad thing. I think it would be a good idea if you are comfortable with it. It may very well work for you.

I'm glad you're here too.

Mary Alice

[poptardqueen]

Hello again!

It indeed seems we were put on the same ship (albeit a sinking one). Anyways, I too have developed quite the facade of being happy on the outside, and I have the feeling that if I were committed, I would circumvent actually allowing myself to be treated by pretending that I was actually getting better just in order to get out. When my therapist called my mother, she apparently was quite shocked, and thought that everything was peachy since they shipped me off to the professionals for treatment (on top of the fact that they only see my at the most once a week, which makes it easy to grin and bear it). Honestly, I probably fear that my therapist will insist that I be committed if I truly unleash everything I have inside, and the prospect of being forcefully held there against my will is quite terrifying (even if it is ultimately for my own good). I had no idea the court ever got involved! eek!
I just got sent to a new pdoc, and have only seen him twice. I feel that he has absolutely no idea what to do with me. From what I sense he thinks I am bipolar ( seeing as he has recently put me on Trileptal to stabalize my moods, in addition to the Lexapro that I have been taking since January). I personally do not think I am bipolar, but feel awkward telling him such as he has never mentioned the word bipolar or manic depressive. The trileptal, if anything, has dont nothing but make me even more apathetic towards my own well-being, and therefore more prone to SI. The thing that has really scared me about my SI is the enthuasism I have developed towards it. I began cutting at the tender age of 13 (but only for a few months) and have only recently picked it back up. I remember the feeling of excitement I had when I was in Home Depot looking for some straight edge razors, which scares me in retrospect. I even find myself, in certain situations, thinking to myself " I just need to cut' I'm fearing that I am becoming dependent on it. But I digress, honestly, I probably should be in a hospital. I remember the look on my therapists face when I told her I had a full bottle of seconol and klonopin at home just in case the pain ever got too bad (and that many times recently I have been tempted to put myself out of my misery). Has the Effexor seemed to help you at all? I feel that a change in meds is my last resort, but it seems as if when I go in to visit my pdoc, since I barely know him I feel that I am in no position to tell him what I want to take and that I feel he is taking the wrong approach at adressing my issues via meds. Sorry this has been so horribly long, but it's just such a release to talk to someone who has been there! Thank you!

----Kelly

[PlanningtoLive]

Greetings!

When my husband and parents found out about my hospital visit they were in shock and thought that my T had it in for me, that he was trying to hurt me. My parents wanted to get a lawyer and sue him, etc. etc........finally I got tired of everyone bad-mouthing him and told the truth.....I thought they'd fall over.

The effect of the Trileptal may be just because you are starting it, until your system gets used to it. If you aren't comfortable with your doc, you need to do some research. I checked out all kinds of spots on the net and learned about the meds and what they were for and the side effects. I made a list and brought it with me to my appt and suggested 3 of them to him.

I felt I needed to do my homework because what he was prescribing was not doing a thing but making me sleepy all the time and forgetful. I was up to 80 mg of Prozac a day and can't remember a year and a half of my life - that's scary. I have bits and pieces flash in my mind sometimes, but I didn't even remember all the visits with my T, and asked to see my records so I could remember them.

I have gotten very attached to cutting also. It is what is stopping me from actually taking another overdose. It's my release valve unfortunately, so I understand how you feel. I have the same thoughts when I am at work sometimes. I have even gotten a small knife on my keychain so that I have one with me at all times...........that is bad.

The Effexor has helped my memory return - I am more focused and can remember things much better. In terms of my moods..............a little. I don't hit rock bottom as much as I used to. The mood swings (I am borderline personality and severe depression, btw) are still bad and when I am upset, I don't think at all - I simply react and never in a good way. I call it being "chaotic".

My T has been trying to get me to call him before I harm myself, but he doesn't understand that I don't stop and think about that - I simply cut and think after the fact.

You need to do some research on the net, check out what your doc says you are, what you think you may be and then check out the meds. If you need some links, let me know.....I've probably been to quite a few.

It is nice to talk to someone who is in the same boat.......and sharing the "oars" with me. Stay in touch - and never worry about how long your post is or bugging me. Cuz you're not, in any way.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

Forgot to mention it...........I have written alot in this category and Creative Corner. You want to see my private world, check them out...........take care.

[poptardqueen]

Aww, I must say that I heart you!
I know that I have got to do something. If something doesn't change, I will end up killing myself, and I have accepted that fact. I do believe I've hit rock bottom, and now have been thrown a shovel only to dig a little deeper (which I certainly am). All I think about it how much I want to die, and even find my self repeating 'please let me die' over and over again in my head (which i suppose is a remnant of my previous OCD). I've never been this consumed with the motivation to die, and this desperation has led me to SI more and more. I assume that my parent's reaction to a hospitalization would be eerily similar to your parent's reaction. They would definately get all defensive and terrified, denying that there is a real problem at hand. Ive been on the trileptal almost 3 months, so I'm pretty far past the initial stages. I'm also taking klonopin, which I believed has bad so many bad side effects on my psyche to mention. I am beginning to become more and more disassociative, and often have semi hallucinations and problems differentating between reality and dreams. I do fear that I am at the ledge of sanity, and am ready to jump off with bells on.
I have definately done my homework as far as the meds go, but its just so hard to decide what would help me since all meds effect everyone in different ways. I've heard good things about prozac, yet at the same time your experience with it sounds horrid! I too think the cutting has stopped me from ODing, for at those moments I just have a NEED for violence in SOME form,and SI seems to do the trick to some extent. I however, am terribly ashamed of it (and wear longsleeves, even at home to hide the cuts from my roomates) yet at the same time I cherish it because it seems like some dirty little secret which I indulge myself in.
Me T has also extended the desire for me to call her before I feel like harming myself, but I just nod in order to appease her. I would never actually call her because I suppose I don't feel that my desperation constitutes disrupting her life outside of ouy 50 min sessions.
I really have been quite impressed with what ive heard about effexor, and will try and bring it up at my next pdoc appt. I also feel I am in desperate need of something to control my anxiety, which I feel is a major contributor to my depression (my mother also has had panic attacks and takes ativan and paxil). If you have any links which have been of any help to you I'd love to have them, for I guess I'm desperate : ). Again, thankyou for talking to me, for we definately are rowing the same oars as you put it : ). If you ever wanna talk, my AIM sn is the same as my user name here (poptardqueen). Take care and hope to hear from you soon!

------Kelly------

[PlanningtoLive]

Those feelings of "acceptance" is what led up to my hospital visit. Every night when I go to sleep, I still pray not to wake up each morning, and darn if I still do. [sigh]

I have heard bad things about klonopin, and that may account for the disassociation you are experiencing. The prozac worked for quite awhile with me, but I started getting too used to it and the good effects wore off. Before I switched, I was on 40mg. I have tried Zoloft, Paxil, Buspar, Celexa, and a few other ones. The problem is that all of those are what they call SSRIs and I needed something that was definitely in a diff category and more geared towards depression/anxiety.

I try not to bother my T either, but I also know that he is my life line and without contact with him, I have major anxiety and paranoid attacks - hence the daily emails back and forth.

No need to feel desperate anymore.......I'll keep you company and everyone on here is really terrific and helpful. I'll start digging around tomorrow night and look for some links for you.

Talk to you soon, Kelly.

Mary Alice

[PlanningtoLive]

Hi Kelly.................I've been wondering how you've been doing lately. Haven't seen you around.

I hope you are okay......the boat's been different with just me rowing.....lol.

Mary Alice

[poptardqueen]

Hey again!
I'm still here hanging onto the oars! : ) I suppose I'm doing ok as far as reaching a plateau of sorts (but trust me, its no plateau I want to stay trapped on). I'm hanging in there, which i suppose is the best case scenario at this point. Right as I sit here I'm fighting off the urge to cut, so maybe if i keep sitting here and typing it will go away (haha, if only it were that easy.) Really all I wanna do is go drown my sorrows in my bottle of klonopin, but I have a feeling that would not end well. But more than anything I can't tell you how refreshing it is to have someone to talk to, cause I have NOONE who actually understands what I'm going through here, they only make assumptions. So it really helps me to know that you actually noticed I haven't been around (thats cause ive been slaving away at work all day : ( ) but Anyways, I hope you are hanging in there too, i guess we just need to keep on rowing : )

-<3---- Kelly

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} sometimes my brain kicks in and I notice things - at least the things that are important to me....

I have also been busy at work all day. See, you're looking at your bottle of klonopin and I am drinking -have been for awhile, sort of stops me from cutting. [sigh].

It wouldn't end there, you'd keep taking them until you were unable to take more, and then I'd have to steer this thing on my own.......and that is definitely NOT a good thing. Been a lot of waves in this ocean the last few days.

I haven't been in touch with my T for about a week (he's been off ill and I simply won't bother him at home when he's sick - although I desperately want to) so I'm trying to hang in there, just like you.

I won't let you stay on your plateau......at some point you will either fall off or go up - let's try to row upstream even those currents are deadly, ok?

@~~~~>~~~~~~~~~~

Mary Alice