Trapped - Honesty Does Not Pay

Everyone,

I went to see my T today. All along I have, as usual, been open and honest with him about my feelings, my fears, and my plans.

I thought that as long as we communicated, it was okay. I was so very wrong. He started out by asking me about my plans. I refused to give him specifics, simply said that I was off next Monday and Tuesday. He tried pinning me down and asking me to promise him that I would be alive by next Sunday if he called me. I told him that I would be at work.

Again, would I be around on Monday? I hedged and said that I was off. Anyway, we went around as usual and argued semantics - I was trying very hard to find loopholes in what he wanted me to promise him.

See, the problem is that I have never lied to him - never would. I also have never broken a promise to him - or to anyone for that matter. I am very careful to whom and for what I make promises. My T knows this and counts on my integrity. I made him a promise in Sept. that I would not end my life and I have kept it.......till around now.

Skipping to the bottom line: because I refused to promise him things, he told me that he would call me next Sunday and that I had to answer the phone....or like before, I would be picked up and hospitalized. My response was to question him as to why my honesty is being used against me like this.

My T said that because he cares, he can not ignore this - and he will do whatever he needs to in order to keep me safe and alive. Last week he lost his composure and shocked me with the intensity of his remarks about me needing to stay alive and the pain it would cause him.

We touched upon that subject again today, and he told me that just because he stays calm, doesn't mean that he doesn't care......he has to be calm in order to think. I was angry and told him that I was back in the same box I was in last Sept. He told me that I have a choice: promise him I will be around in January to keep our appts. or have him call me as often as he thinks necessary.

I went upstairs and started thinking. I made some calls and realized that if I dismissed him as my physician, he would have no further rights to do anything to me. He would have to leave me alone. I went back to his office and told him this. [sigh] My T got tears in his eyes (which confused me again) and told me if that was what I really wanted, he would insist that I make an appt with someone else, go to see this other person for a certain amount of time, and then he would back away. Otherwise he would immediately hospitalize me because he knew the reason I was really doing it.

So much for a loophole. My next attempt was to argue wording/meaning with him. I lost again. The fact that I am starting to do things, like cutting, and not remember it until I am bleeding has him concerned. Yesterday at work I remember doing my inventory, and when entering it into the computer, my supervisor looked down and said, "OMG, where are you bleeding from?" There was blood all over the paperwork and it had come from my finger. I went to the sink, ran it under cold water and held it above my head till it subsided.

I have two choices: I can tolerate the daily (?) phone calls from my T and keep hanging in there because I am backed into a corner..............or when he calls me, I can promise him what he wishes to hear and let him have a peaceful vacation and lie for the first and last time to him.

I know what all of you want me to do........and I appreciate the support and caring and love from everyone. I don't know what I will do. I have a hard time not answering him, esp. in person when he just keeps pushing. Over the phone it is different, but I know that if he senses any hesitancy in my voice, he will send people to me.

I am so tired, disgusted with myself for being truthful (I used to be able to lie so easily and so well.....), and angry for being forced into a decision that my T wants, not me.

Anyway, I will be on the side for awhile. I have nothing to focus on except work to keep my mind occupied......nothing online to really keep me busy except answering posts.........I need to think.

I have to decide if I can go along with this or lie to him.

Mary Alice

I am amazed how much I relate to your feelings. I am unable to express myself as well as you do. But I feel the sting of being alone in a full room. I also can't feel the sting of a razor. I might not be able to provide any comfort to you cause I never post but I read almost daily and you are an amazing woman. You can't believe it cause you are so sick. Please give yourself another chance to get better. You will get better. I admire your strength and good heart you show others. Thank you the inspiration you have provided me without even knowing it. See how special you are?
Courtney

Courtney, it is a pleasure to meet you.

I have seen you around or online sometimes. Thank you for such nice compliments. If I have helped anyone, I'm glad.

I feel like I'm simply hurting people these days. Take care of yourself.

Mary Alice

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You know that I care about you, and yes, you know what I want you to do. I'm powerless to do anything but to keep caring about you, and I will always do that. I'm glad that you are honest with your T and that he knows about your feelings and your plans. Please keep being honest with him, and hanging on.

I understand not being able to hope for your pain to go away. I know that my depression will always come back again - I even told my T that I know that and he doesn't even try to argue that fact. But it doesn't stay that bad all the time. Even though it seems like all you're doing is just hanging on when you don't even want to do that, it doesn't have to be like that. I wish that you could forgive yourself for whatever you think you have done that is so bad that you have to live this way, and forgive yourself for being human - we don't have to be perfect - none of us are. You are a wonderful person, my sister and my friend, and the world is a better place because you are in it.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>

{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}

Ty, my friend.

Mary Alice,
I'm glad to see you posting again, I'll admit that I was a bit concerned when you didn't aswer my pm, but I'm sure you've been getting an outpouring from everyone here because we all care about you so much. I'm not here to judge you. I have nothing but the utmost respect for you being able to be so honest to your T despite the content of what you had to tell him. I wish I had the integrity/strength to do that. All too often I find myself backing down and sugar-coating my feelings and ideations. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to tell him these things, even about threatening to change doctors. It is obvious that your T really does care for you and is not just trying to keep his hands clean. And although I'm sure it's hard to hear/believe, I really think you are worth every bit of care and love you are given both here and by people such as your T. It can't be a nice position to be put in, but I have faith in you. I'm not going to try and convince you that either is right, but I sure do know that'd I'd be real lonely on this boat all by myself. You've gone above and beyond in helping me, and I;m willing to do the same if you want darling.
*XOXO*
-Kelly-

{{{{{{{{Kelly}}}}}}}}}

I wasn't ignoring you, hun, really. I've been trying to keep a low profile and stay out of everyone's hair - but it hasn't been working too well. Your PM was just as important as anyone else's but I have been staying at work alot more to stay safe.

I'm realizing that my relationship with my T is different than most people have with theirs. Even my pdoc was amazed that I have access to him 24/7 if I need to - his answering service has strict instructions to get ahold of him when I call, the same at his office.

I am not able to lie to people - goes against me so strongly that I just don't respond. If pushed I answer honestly. My T knows this about me - I would never deceive him because he is so very important to me. He has a great deal of influence on me.

I'm still trying to find a loophole in this situation. My only other choice is to lie to him over the phone........this morning I was thinking : lie to him vs. stay alive. Even if I could get the lie past my lips, it would be even harder to keep my tone of voice normal while he quizzed me. I haven't decided yet what I'm going to do.

Thank you for your caring. You are very special to me because of our "bond" and I know how difficult that boat can be when you are all alone in it.

Regardless of how I am, you know you can always talk to me if you need to. Please take care of yourself and have a good holiday.

xoxoxo

Mary Alice

Hey darling,
Sorry it has taken me so long to respond to this post. I know you weren't ignoring me : ). Staying safe is your number one priority, and I know it can be quite demanding. You truly are lucky to have a T that is willing to go above and beyond the call of duty. It makes me feel good that you have that at your call, and makes me wish that maybe I had the same thing. Though it is often unappealing, honestly is at the end of the day the best policy I suppose. I suppose saying this out loud makes me feel quite fake because I find myself opting for the other option so many times. I will be thinking of you in the days to come, and feel that you will make the best decision when it comes time because you are in the end the only one who can do such. I send you my love, and hope your holidays bring some comfort to be found. Ty for caring too, and I hope all is well.

*hugs*
Kelly

Mary Alice, your T is talking to you the way he is and his plans to do whatever it takes to keep you alive are proof of one thing... please accept it as fact.

YOU ARE WORTH SAVING! HE CARES ABOUT YOU ENOUGH TO DO WHATEVER IT TAKES!

He's not a robot, Mary Alice. He has feelings just like anyone else. He cares about you!! Because he's not a robot, he also get frustrated, hurt and angry because you're so bent on ending your life!! He's invested a lot of time and a lot of emotion on you! If I knew where you live, I would be right there with him keeping you alive! I've already been trying to get it to sink into your heart as well as your head that you are loveable, you are worthy, you matter, you have much to offer, you are wanted, you are needed!!

You see... I don't get paid nor am I bound by any oaths like he is. When I say to you the things that I feel about you, the things I think I about you, I'm not bound by anything other than to tell the truth, to be honest with you because I want to! It's from the heart! You're T also has one, BTW. He also has a breaking point. Is that what you're searching for??

One more thing, Sweetheart... go back to that place in your mind and in your heart that you found while at Mass. Find that peace again. You don't have to be in any building to find it. All you have to do is search in your heart. It's there, because your Higher Power is there, too. You carry Him with you.

I'm praying like the dickens for you! I know He's already answered part of my prayers.

PS Honesty doesn't pay when you are trying to do something you shouldn't.

{{{{{{{{{Tomi}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

You are so special, so sweet.

I know my T cares about me, I am in daily contact with him even during the poor man's vacation time, he calls me.

But like him, you can't change my feelings about myself - too many years and experiences have happened to change me into what I am. I can't, and won't, believe things that I know will end up hurting me more - the fear within is too great and has history on it's side.

Your question about my T's breaking point hurt. I am not trying to do that. All he has to do is stop asking me questions, stop calling me...........he refuses to do that. If necessary I will have to begin lying to him, and deal with those feelings because it goes against my nature to do that.

Sat. night at work I was standing in the restroom with a kitchen knife to my throat and running the blade across it lightly. I had thought about calling my T but wouldn't because it was 1am and I'm not worth disturbing his whole family for at that hour.

Last night I took 13 Valium pills.........and am still here. Will I tell him?? No.....I have no wish to be hospitalized or to bother him more than I am already while he is on vacation. There is no rhyme or reason for what I was doing. Certainly not to push him to a breaking point.

Last night was an experiment - like I told my T, my tolerance level for meds is very high - higher than I anticipated. I had thought after Xmas and Alex's b-day was over that the stress reduction would be enough to make it bearable.

I am home for the next two days and things have been escalating here as well.

If I have upset anyone, I am sorry........but I wanted you to know why I am not "visible" that much. I am here, just in my hole.

Mary Alice

Hi ((((Mary Alice))))): You said in your repy to SeptMorn that you didn't want to believe [good] things [about yourself] that would end up 'hurting you more.' Mary Alice, how can you possibly hurt more than you do now? Anything has to be better, right?

Why not try letting some of the positive data and input in to counteract the 'negative inner critic'? I mean, what more is there to lose than what you are contemplating now (by ending your life).

Why not just say f-uc-k it, I'm going to have a mental paradigm shift, and allow [yourself] to believe that, in fact, God doesn't make junk, (and he doesn't), and maybe you can give yourself a break from perfection mode, and strive for excellence instead. That internal pressure you feel is enormous, but you can start to release some of it, really, I truly believe that you can.

The suicidal ideation and even cutting can be a release for a short while, but when it's gone as far as it has now, it really is time, (obvious statement coming - sorry ), to take some very agressive and proactive steps to counteract it.

You just can't, (well you can, but...), passively accept what's happening as inevitable; there is choice involved here. We support you so much, Mary Alice, and care for you. You're playing with fire that can have very deadly consequences, (which I know you know), with cataclysmic ramifications for little Alex, (for one).

I know you would endure physical torment yourself, rather than have Alex have to endure it. This choice to continue on, and endeavor even more strenuously to bring about a positive change in circumstance is just as much of a sacrifice that you can, and currently are, making for him.

Keeping you always in prayer. Very sincerely, Jill

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. :' ' (

I care so much for you! Please listen to Jill! PLEASE!!

Hello again ((((Mary Alice)))): I found this article on 'self-soothing' that I really got a lot out of. I thought you would like it too. XOXO, Jill <A target="_blank" HREF=http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/borderselfsoothe.html>http://www.soulselfhelp.on.ca/borderselfsoothe.html</A>

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

Tomi, ty...........Jill, ty for the article.

I am going to be taking a break from posting here for awhile. It feels like my venting is making everyone frustrated with me because I'm not changing my thoughts/behavior.

So, I'll be around, just not communicating. I wish everyone the happiest of New Years...........take care all.

Mary Alice

I hope you will keep posting if you want to, ((((Mary Alice)))). I know that I, for one, would not want you to lose a place where you can express your feelings, etc..

I'm taking good care of my own feelings about this, since I do acknowledge that back in September it was 'triggering' me, when I would worry so much, but I've been learning a lot about how to set my own boundaries and things, so I hope, and really want, to be able to be a touchstone for you and others, without becoming someone about whose 'stuff' related to this is added to your already heavy burden.

Really, my intent is not to put pressure on you, although I know that my posts, (and I), have come on strong in the past. I'm in constant learning mode, too, just like all of us.

As always, most fondly, XOXO!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

Hi-I saw that you were on line now, read a few of your posts, are you doing okay, it's been a while since you posted.

Whatever you can do,
Or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power, and magic, in it.
-Goethe