[gostryter]

that's what i want to do...i just want to open my front door and start walking and never look back...

i'm stuck on not being able to understand how all this happened so fast...a couple months ago i was ok - not happy but functioning

now in the past month i've been
<ul type="square">[*]admitted to a psych ward involuntarily[*]cut, burned, and scratched myself leaving multiple scars[*]began hurting and cutting "down there"[*]posted a profile on an adult site[*]exchanged sexual messages and pictures of my privates with a "daddy"[*]got the number of a man who wants to %#@&#! me....and considered calling![/list]what in the HELL is happening to me!!!!!

i'm the girl who never goes out. you talks to her parents all the time. whose biggest vice is chocolate! who never smokes or drinks or does drugs or has sex!! i can't hardly get anymore squeaky clean!!!

nothing is giving me any relief from the pain...i used to be able to watch TV as a distration but i haven't watched for probably two weeks....i used to go online and had friends via a myspace page but i haven't checked it in weeks.....most recently i would draw the things i did to at least try and deal with them but i don't even want to do that....my house is filthy even dog messes to be cleaned up....all i can do each day is remember to feed the dogs....and sleep....even breathing is work

[gostryter]

oh...and i just got fired from my job friday...

[Christina86]

((((((((gostryter)))))))))))

Sounds like a really bad month

Also sounds like you really need some IRL support right now. Is there ANYONE that can help? I care about your well-being, I really do. If I can help, let me know okay? I don't want you going through this alone.

[Irine]

have you tried to watch TV or go to Myspace again?

by the way taking long walk can help some....

i agree with Christina. you need help.

[MyBestKids2]

Gostryter

It breaks my heart to see you going through such an awful time. I will keep you close in my thoughts!

[gostryter]

(((((((((((((((thank you dear friends))))))))))))))))))))

it feels as though this numbness is overtaking me...i don't feel anything....i don't physically feel anything when i cut myself down there or anywhere....i barely have the energy to type

after spending the morning hurting myself there...in everyway i have found so far...i managed to shower and then just laid on the bed...the clock ticking...time running out for me to talk with a lawyer about the job termination agreement i'm supposed to sign today....time running out and i can barely make myself care even a little...

i'm about to go to the local state attorneys office because online it said they take walk ins. i know employment law is not what they handle...but i'm hoping someone will at least talk to me and call my employer to tell them one day is NOT enough time to find a lawyer...*****es

if not i'll send an email to my boss requesting an extenstion....if she doesn't give it to me...i'll be fired today....

but i believe in karma...

oh well it's almost 2 pm and i have to get some prescriptions filled before i lose my insurance and then i'll go to the attorney's office and then i come home and let you know what happened...

i just have to wake up first..............

[Fuzzybear]

[Irine]

good luck

but remember to take care of yourself. not only of the job.
you come first.

when YOU are o.k the job is fine too.

[splitimage]

Sorry that you're going through so much all at once, I can relate to the feeling of everything suddenly come crashing. Get to a lawyer - that's important, when I got fired last december he really helped by insisting some things be included in the termination that I hadn't thought of. I was too shell shocked.

Can you continue your health insurance after your terminnation? Because it sounds like you really need some IRL help. Posting on-line can help but sometimes there's no substitute for real therapy.

Know that you're in my thoughts.

--splitimage

[gostryter]

i'm so tired...

i got an extension from my employer so i'll have time to talk with a lawyer...got the numbers of some lawyers....now i have to call 'n follow up....

splitimage - i think health benefits can be extended through a program called cobra - but it's expensive...hard to manage when you're unemployed....

i was supposed to call my T today to check in....didn't....will tomorrow....appt wednesday....at least with the extension i stil have med insurance wednesday! guess every extra day helps...

only prob is i'm just gonna have to be lying to T... i can't let him know everything i'm doing.... he wanted me hospitalized last week after just seeing a few cuts on my arm.... can't let him know everything i've done....

i'm so tired of everything.... so tired

[gostryter]

just slept the day away....wish i could sleep forever

<font color="#000088">I think you really need to be honest with your T, even if it means having to be hospitalized. Atleast you'll be safe, even if your hospitalized. That's what thier there for, is to help keep you safe. Your T. isn't going to get mad at you, he/she will actually respect you more for your honesty. I just think that would be the best thing for you to do for your own safety, so you don't continue to harm yourself any worse than you already have. Or make things worse for you than they already are. But it's up to you whether you really want the help or not! Or if you want to continue doing what your doing, and risk causing permanent damage, or worse!
I'll be here to support you either way! I won't give up on you! ((((((gostryter))))))</font>

sweetie......(((((hugs)))))

[Irine]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Justice said:
<font color="#000088">I think you really need to be honest with your T, even if it means having to be hospitalized. Atleast you'll be safe, even if your hospitalized. That's what thier there for, is to help keep you safe. Your T. isn't going to get mad at you, he/she will actually respect you more for your honesty. I just think that would be the best thing for you to do for your own safety, so you don't continue to harm yourself any worse than you already have. Or make things worse for you than they already are. But it's up to you whether you really want the help or not! Or if you want to continue doing what your doing, and risk causing permanent damage, or worse!
I'll be here to support you either way! I won't give up on you! ((((((gostryter))))))</font>

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I agree with EVERY WORD!
BE HONEST WITH YOUR T
otherwize it`s a waste of time and money!

[gostryter]

i know you are all right...but i keep digging myself deeper and deeper into a hole of shame and humiliation....

i had an appt yesterday and said little to nothing...he's annoyed...i'm tired...it took every once of energy to go to the appt yesterday...and today it took all day to get out to the store to buy dog food!! ugh... on the bright side... i've been to out of it to cut!

i really dont think it is a good thing for me to be in therapy. i was having difficulties with my boss and went to a therapy session just to vent and my life spiralled out of control from there. i can't talk about what's inside me or what i'm thinking...it's debilitating...i don't know how to function like that....so i wont

if i quit therapy and just focus on getting a job and moving on....forgetting about the hospital, losing my job, being in therapy....i'll be able to move on....

but if i stay in therapy it's like picking at a wound and not letting it heal... i don't think therapy is the answer for every one.... i don't think it is the answer for me....

[gostryter]

oh cr-p...i'm so stressed right now i think i could literally explode or implode or combust or ....something....

at least i think i'm finally waking up after sleeping for days....of course, now i'm not sleeping

...my stomach hurts so much from stress....

i don't know how i manage to make such a mess of things!!!!! as a kid i was one of those who never caused trouble...guess i'm making up for it now....

<font color="#000088">There's always the chance for you to get back on your feet. You just have to keep fighting, and give it your best shot. I'm so sorry your suffering so much right now. And feeling so bad. But there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, and I really believe that if you don't give up, you can make it to that light! And have a better life, where you don't feel so miserable all the time! I haven't made it all the way there yet, but atleast I can see the light ahead, and I know it's within reach of any of us! Don't give up, my friend! </font>

[Rapunzel]

Gost, I think that the difficulties you were having when you started therapy were probably a sign that there was something wrong and you needed help. Therapy gave it a chance to come out. It's like if you had an infected wound, but healed over, and it started to ache just a little, so you asked for treatment, and all the infection came pouring out when the wound was opened. That isn't pleasant to deal with, and you think you could really just bandage it back up again and keep right on going without looking back. But that wouldn't make it better, really. It would come back, maybe worse.

You deserve to actually get better. Keep trying, and try to be nice to yourself too.

((((( hugs ))))))
Rap

sometimes..well actually all the time i wish to just run away from it all. but no matter where i go its always there the pain the sorrow it all stays rite with me
keep workin with ur T its the only way out its the only way to get some freedom from all this horror

[gostryter]

but i can't function when i try to deal with stuff....

and i seem to get worse and worse and do dumber and dumber things

how do i know i'll ever get "freedom" from this stuff....is it worth the risk? why can't i just deal with a little pain all the time....how do i know it'll get worse if i just ignore it all....

i not doing good now...i know that

<font color="#000088">I know from experience that ignoring it won't make it go away,or hurt any less. It will actually just keep building up inside of you, until you basically become a human "timebomb",waiting to explode at any given time. Just by being triggered by something could set you off! Trust me,I've been holding my pain in for 7 years, right now, I am a "timebomb"! My T.knows it, and so does my PDoc. That's why they keep really close tabs on me! Because they know that I could go off at any time.
So holding it in,or ignoring it,will not make it better or make it go away! It'll just keep building up, and you don't want that! It's not a happy place to be in! </font>

T almost killed me especially when going into the deeper more painful stuff its only natural
i had to change my response instead of flight i had to stay and fight..

i like justice's quote....it fits