What does real coping mean, anyway?

I'm tired of being in a crisis. Basically the same one, almost every weekend. T suggested that I try coping. Okay, that's probably good advice except that if I could remember any good strategies for coping when I need them, maybe I wouldn't be getting into crises every week. I ought to look through the sticky threads again for ideas.

The bad coping strategies are what I want to do. I've been wanting to cut, but I don't have to give in to that. But I was wishing that I would get hurt accidently. I'm alternating between not eating, and eating chocolate. I wish I could go to sleep and stay there for a long time. I hang out online, or just plain withdraw and dissociate. I wish that I had alters who could take over for me so I'm not just sitting there looking vacant.

I can think of some positive coping strategies, like music and exercise and reading or doing something productive, and there's always escaping to work or school or something official that give me a good excuse (but I won't function my best there either). But is escaping and avoiding actually coping?

What does real coping entail?

Don't have any idea what "real coping" is ... but I just wanted to say I understand where you're coming from since I'm in the same spot myself right now.

(((((((((((Rapunzel))))))))))))))))

I think real coping means doing the positive things you listed. I don't think escaping is an example of not coping, it's using distraction to cope. I'm guessing what your T might have meant was learning to handle your feelings without si'ing. for me that means coming on line and writing about how I feel, curling up with something soft and crying, or sometimes just sitting with a cup of tea and thinking about how I'm feeling. Remember feelings will pass, no matter how intense they are at the time and you are not your feelings. you can get through things without having to si.

--splitimage

Huh. I'm also going between not eating - and eating chocolate.

I agree with the above posts, too. and even tho i do have alters, sometimes vacent works. sometimes no one wants to function, and i really can't blame them.

I hope you have an upswing, soon. Kiya

For me, coping is putting whatever is bringing me down or causing me anguish into perspective and then trying to work differently with whatever it is to see if I can't "help" it.

To put a problem into perspective, I first have to look at it and see what it is. Lots of time, for me, I let a bunch of stuff gang up and then I feel like someone trying to flee a snowball that's rolling down a hill getting bigger and bigger like it does in the cartoons? If you explode the larger into its smaller "actual" parts, then one can at least deal with some of them and that helps me with feeling effective and like I have a "chance" in heck of getting out alive :-)

Rap, your wanting to have an accident instead of cutting reminded me of one evening when I had been thinking about the book, "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden" and kind of feeling like something bad was going to happen, that I was going to harm myself in some way and, sure enough, I did accidentally cut my finger when I was opening the bag of sauce for the pizza I was making. I was bleeding so my husband took over finishing up topping the pizza and getting it in the oven. Guess what? The feeling of "doom" I'd had went away. But I thought the whole thing funny/amusing since it was so "obvious" to me and that amusement about the entire scenario/story helped me more than any of it's parts? Just your wishing for an accident (instead of having to cut, yourself) so you would be "innocent" of SI is a little amusing to me and were I in your shoes I would grab that tiny, imaginative, "twist" and make it help me. Being able to laugh, especially at one's self lets out a similar bit of tension as SI I bet?
</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Laughter has many benefits, which in turn have positive effects on the human body. Laughter lowers blood pressure, activates the immune system, triggers the release of endorphins (the body’s natural painkillers), reduces stress hormones, helps reduce pain, allows muscles to relax and is helpful for breathing as frequent laughter empties the air of lungs. (From googobits.com)

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For me, laughter is a good re-proportioner and balances me better.

Most situations have us looking at them, as in, can't-see-the-forest-for-the-tree. When I shift my gaze from whatever is bothering me and look at the bigger picture, the problem instantly gets smaller, more limited in time and energy needed to solve it. Looking at the "real" problem instead of a symptom or how I try to get my attention (I often get angry when I'm actually anxious; when I catch myself being unreasonably angry, as in road rage :-) I instantly look to see what the "real" problem is and address that instead). That you want to do these behaviors you don't think are a good idea is not the same as the behaviors being the problem? You aren't trying to cope with cutting but with whatever is bothering you behind the desire to cut. The desire to cut, when looked at in that light is just a "symbol" of something else. And heck, we can deal with "symbols", they're just "things". Put them aside and keep moving forward and they get lost behind you and lose their power.

One of my favorite quotes of all time goes something like, "the adventure doesn't begin until you enter the forest." Thinking of one's problems and their solutions as puzzles, games, adventures, etc. gives you some space from them and makes them more like an interesting book or math problem :-)

Hi Rapunzel ...

I came to these forums in the hope that I can help my daughter cope better with her SI. First let me tell you that I actually do understand the need to cancel one pain with another, and even in a small way, the need to be "in control" that must come from cutting.

It's interesting to me that two of you mentioned eating chocolate as a coping mechanism. I stopped using cocaine to cancel pain ... cold turkey, by myself, without counseling or any help ... 22 years ago this Christmas day. Chocolate was sure one of MY favorite coping mechanisms, and why not? There are some awesome benefits to eating chocolate! For instance, chocolate contains TRYPTOPHAN that increases seratonin, an anti-depressant and natural stress-reducer.

Maybe you're onto something, Rap!

Truffles all around? Anyone want a nice hunk of dark chocolate? I may have Diabetes, but I can still work a piece into my Food Plan and stay in Control. BTW, so can the best, the bravest, the most compassionate daughter any second Mom could ask for.

Thanks for letting me barge in here, Y'all. If I could, I'd adopt each of you and hug you close until some of your pain went away ... but I promised my last two daughters that they could vote next time and, I'm sorry to say, they think five is enough.

Trying to be a GoodMama

http://www.medscicommunications.com/...n.htm#benefits

I stopped using cocaine to cancel pain ... cold turkey, by myself, without counseling or any help ... 22 years ago this Christmas day.

GEEZ! I hope that didn't sound like I'm some saint or something! And I didn't really do it alone ... God has always there to HELP me. I just don't want to you to think I'm a Bible totin', scripture spoutin', radical.

Ohhhhhhhhh I love chocolate so..... why does it hate me so much?! I'm allergic to it and have migraines from it. But sometimes those CRAVINGS!!!!! I just gotta have it.

Rap, I'm reposting this querry because it seems to me that lots of us know how to cope well - but the choosing of that over SI is the difficult part for some reason.

So, why is it that, even with an entire list of "good" coping mechanisms, there is just more satisfaction from harming the self?

What is that satisfaction? how does it hook us?

what would make us want to choose something bad for us over something good? Is it that it doesn't touch the emotional component that accompanies the urges?

Curious...
Kiya

IMHO the pain is physical. and in my head physical cancels out emotional every time.

Thats the one factor that drives me to SI.

Dont like that I lean on it. but it helps.

Coleen

coping for me was to do what i usually do with my life and keep telling myself no when i wanted to do it. when i did things to distract myself it didn't distract me at all it just challenged me to how i was going to cut. like if i was painting i would include it. coping is dealing with the thoughts in your head and fighting them and if you arn't doing anything sit on your hands and fight. I have had mishaps here and their since i quit. but you can't expect it to just dissapear from your life. You will always have the scars and the thoughts here and their. You have to accept that cutting was a part of you and that he can be no more. I found talking to other people who did it more harmful. just seeing what other people triggers it in the beginning. It's best to focus on yourself. do what you enjoy and work with your mind.

yeah.... that to me makes it more real i think whereas all the nice things i could do aren't real and thus won't counteract the emotional pain. cutting is like hitting the reset button.

You guys, thanks for all the replies. I'm sorry I haven't made it back here until now. I've just been pretty swamped, on PC and off. I guess that would be avoiding, huh?

I did see T yesterday, and we talked about this issue. The way the discussion went, there are three approaches to coping.

One level is destructive coping. We're all pretty well-versed in that one, aren't we? That's cutting and not eating and anything that hurts us but makes us feel a little better for the moment anyway.

Then there is not coping. That's the one I'm most often guilty of lately, and I'm not sure it's any better. Avoidance could be not coping. Or having a melt down, or hiding, being invisible, staying in bed all day. I'm a lot more likely to stay in bed all day when I don't cut. Or to keep pouting longer. When cutting was my first approach, I would cut and then act normal, hiding what I did and acting normal, but I felt better and was able to carry on.

And then there is positive coping. I expected T to be hard on me and say that reading or hanging out on PC or other distractions were not actual coping since they don't deal with the problem. But she accepted those things. I guess it might be a problem if it were for a long time. If I can't deal with stuff any more, I'm allowed to take a break. But when I can deal with it again, I'm supposed to get back to it and deal with it. I guess that makes sense.

hmmmmmmmm maybe it will make more sense in time. I'm still in numbing. I don't yet feel i have anything to replace it with.

k

I just came back and re-read this thread. I almost forgot it was here. I've been in crisis for the last two weeks (see post in depression), and guess what - I forgot to cope again. Cutting isn't my first reaction to being in crisis anymore, but it starts to look more and more attractive the longer that not coping at all goes on.

Thanks again for all of your responses here. I read them all again and they help now just as much as the first time. This time of year, it may take lots of repetition for anything to go in.

I was way behind in reading this forum, and I feel bad because I've always read every post here since this forum started. I get obsessive about it though, and that doesn't help. Anyway, I'm caught up again now and I am so proud of all of you for supporting each other so well.

Love to all,
Rap

I was struck by your thought, Rapunzel, of "forgot to cope".

Anyway you can think of a coping "symbol" that might help you remember? I've made things; collages, pieces of writing, poetry, teeshirts, etc. that took time and effort and got ingrained in my head, as well as bought little symbols; colored stones or pieces of glass, keys, etc. to carry around with me. For me, the more I can surround myself with "good" things to see and remind me of who I truly am and my friends and skills and desires, the better opportunity I have to cope effectively with the bad things that come up.

I'm glad your T let you put reading and work in there; I find as much help from reading as from almost anything else besides other people.

Rapunzel - Thanks for starting this thread and coming back to it so it caught my eye. I've always had the same question and appreciate all the advice offered thus far.

Perna, I really like the idea of a symbol. I'm going to start working with that.

Cheers, KD

I agree with KD, the advice on this thread is gratefully received. I am going through a crisis and forgetting to cope is just adding to it, I didn't even want to admit to myself that I was forgetting. The symbol advice sounds really good Perna and I think it will help alot of people.

Take good care of yourself Rapunzel and everyone else ((((((hugs))))))

I do need something to remind me to cope, because I'm forgetting that a lot. I'm to the point that everything just makes me want to cry. I don't know what symbols would actually get through to me though. Maybe I need to write myself notes and leave them where I can't miss them. A lot of them would simply say "remember to cope."

I'm also learning about affirmations and how to use them in a way that will work. The key is, if you try to make an affirmation an "I message" too soon (example, "I love myself and deserve to take good care of myself."), then it doesn't work because you don't believe that yet and you will fight it and reject it. But if it's coming from someone else, or even from a part of you to another part of you, in the form of a "you message" (such as I love you and want you to take good care of yourself), then there is less of an urge to argue and fight. Notes might be good for affirmations in form of you messages too. And that would have to count as positive coping.

I caught my hair on fire tonight and the burnt hair smell is making me sick. I guess a haircut is mandatory now. I'd been trying to decide if I want to cut it or not for several molnths. But I wanted to send it to locks of love if I did cut it, and I don't know if it's salvageable for that now.

Getting your hair cut just might be one way that can help you cope? I find that when I get my hair cut I always feel great afterwards. For that whole time, you have one person who is attending to you... they're trying to do something that will look nice on you, and don't have any bad intentions or anything. And then afterwards, I always feel so "fresh" because everything is so neat and smells GREAT!

I'm not saying to make this a regular thing (as in once a week or anything), but maybe just by doing little things for yourself like this, you'll come to realise that you DO deserve good things. So maybe "coping" can just be doing little things that make you feel good about yourself? Get some bath suds and take a warm bath. Read a new book (or old favourite) and let yourself enjoy it. Buy some new nail polish and paint your nails?

Not sure if these constitute as "real" coping... but they are steps further to loving yourself a little more, and loving yourself is definitely (IMO) a necessity to coping.


Jacq

Ok, I got my hair cut. Now it's shoulder-length (as opposed to down past my waist). It's still long enough, but not so heavy, and ought to be easier to manage. So far it feels pretty good. And the burnt hair smell is gone (except for what's lingering in my kitchen. I went to the dentist this morning too, so still trying to be able to swallow, etc.

I'm not good at the whole being attended to thing. I'm not used to it, and being noticed is uncomfortable. I'm a completely different person IRL than I probably seem to be here. IRL I am very quiet, shy, and often invisible, almost.

Yes, I think that any of the pamering things would count as real coping. They aren't easy for me. Do any of you find that too? Is it hard to be nice to yourself or have someone be nice to you?

((((((((((((((((((((rap)))))))))))))))))))))))))

I made a 3x5 card for myself with simple statements

I can breathe - and drew a stick figure breathing
I can feel safe - drew stick figure feeling safe
I can be calm - drew stick figre in meditation pose...

kept that at my desk for times of panic. The stick figures reminded me the body posture and the look of that feeling of coping.

I hadn't though of that in a while, until this post... it would be good for me to do again as well.

hugs, Kiya

Congrats on the haircut Rapunzel!

I find it horribly difficult to be nice to myself. I had a horrible evening last night and went to a friend's place where she continually reminded me that I needed to take care of me and too slow down so I am not sprinting all the time and crash so hard. So I'm doing most of my work from home today in hopes of being less stressed and prepping for the rest of my busy week. But relaxing is just a word I don't understand and seriously need to learn soon.

(wow, I just found the smileys for the first time since joining and I'm thoroughly amused)

(((((((((((((( Rap )))))))))))))

I do need to write out a couple of affirmations and try to learn them. I'm slowing down, because I can't keep it up at the levels I was trying for right now, but I'll have to make up for it later at some point.

Those smilies are fun to play with. That could be positive coping too. I finally gave in and changed my mood indicator. I was hoping this would blow over by now.

Unfortunately, I'm starting to slide into some negative coping, so it's all a mix for me right now. I'm still trying though.

(((((((( Fuzzy )))))))))) I always appreciate getting a hug from you.