[PlanningtoLive]

I really was - no SI-ing for quite awhile. A lot of urges and thoughts, and tonight I just gave up, found my knife and put a ton of marks on my upper arm and wrist.

It's too much stress lately, too much to deal with between home and work. Plus Wednesday I go back and see my former T, the one who simply walked away from me 6 months ago because of a "clinic policy" about me missing an appt.

I've spent the last three days with stomach cramps and today I lost whatever I ate, top and bottom..........I feel horrible. So I figured, what the h*ll, why not.

I forgot how it feels, the rush of doing it. I have a distinct feeling that quitting this time around will be much more difficult - when I decide I don't need it again.



Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[shakes]

(((((PlanningtoExist))))
I do not have much to say, but I am sorry for your pain.

Jessica

"Take these chances. Place them in a box until a quieter time..." ~DMB

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad you get to see your T again! I know how much he has meant to you.

Love,
Wendy

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{{{Jessica}}}}}}}}}}

thank you.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

I am too, but I am also scared to death.



Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[LadyDragus]

I was hoping you would not let yourself do this..

But sometimes this demon wins and we have to give in..

I am sorry you are such pain. I truly am

<marquee> <font color=purple> (((((((((((((((((( hugs and hugs )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) </marquee>

<font color=blue>
I am not worthy of your love
I am seeking worth
Let me find it now
Let me look for it with you
I am not worthy of your friendship
Help me to find it

[itsjustme111]

((Planning)). I wish I had an answer for you. It is good that you had not done SI for a while. You just stepped back a little; thats okay. We are human and are allowed to fall back. You are going to do great with your old t. Be patient with yourself. Thinking of you; hang in there dear!!!!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))))))))

justy

[Zenobia]

Was wondering how your appt. went. Hope it was good for you. {{{{{{{{{{{maryalice}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Carrie

<font color=blue>If you have two dollars, spend one on bread and the other on flowers. The bread will feed your body and the flowers will feed your soul."--Arabic Saying

[PlanningtoLive]

I went to see my old T today. I took too many meds last night and overslept. I was freaking out because I just knew that he was going to abandon me again because I wasn't going to make our 2pm appt.

I called and they told me that his 4pm had cancelled - they talked to him and he agreed to see me then. So, I had to call my pdoc and cancel that appt. (which was at 4pm).

I was absolutely petrified..........then I saw him, and felt nothing. It was like this huge wall just came up and there was no feeling at all.

He had this stupid notepad and for the whole hour, we were discussing "guidelines" on what I expected from him and vice versa. Then he said he was going to type it up, email it to me, and if we could both agree on all areas, we'd sign it and start working together again.

He is forcing me to go to this DBT group, and if I don't, he won't see me again. I refused to participate, but I said "since I have no choice and you are forcing me, I'll go, but you can't make me talk in front of a bunch of strangers about my problems".

I only lost it once, which surprised me, because I was so filled with anger at him before I saw him. That was when he told me that he had stretched clinic policy by letting me return at all - normally once you miss a couple of times, you are banished permanently. But he said that since he knows me so well (and the board doesn't), that he would take some heat for it and let me come back.

I started crying and said "so you still care about me?" He said he had never stopped, but he had to work within the guidelines of where he works.

I called my pdoc yesterday and told him about my intense urges to cut.........how I wanted to see red everywhere. That I was scared. He did his best to calm me and offered to let the resident of duty that night to be aware that I might call. I never would.

I feel like I am in a box with no windows or doors. Only my T has the key and jerks the strings to make me move.

Three days of being sick and not eating really. Then I found out that my h has a warrant out for him, or pay a huge fine to stop it.............here I am, Ms. ATM machine trying to figure this out so that it doesn't happen.

And then ppl wonder why I SI.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}

We crossed on posting. I am so upset that I am crying. I so badly need someone to just hold me so that I can release all my tears. [sigh]

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm glad that you were able to see your T again. He really seemed to be pretty special. Being angry with him is very understandable though. I don't think that I could work with my former T ever again. Saw him a few weeks ago, and I couldn't get into anything important, but then I knew it was just a one-time thing because I was moving, and I also knew that he didn't have any more answers for me. But your T understood you before and knew how to work with you. I have been hoping that making it through these months on your own would help get you ready to make more progress when you went back, and I still hope that is what will happen.

I'm proud of you for making it to this point!

What is the warrant for on your h? I think it's way past time to stop bailing him out and not be Ms. ATM anymore. Let him face his own consequences for his own choices. It's the only way he is ever going to learn.

<font color=orange>"If a light beckons to you, follow it. If it leads you into the quagmire, you'll probably find your way out of it again; but if you don't follow it, you'll be plagued for the rest of your life by the thought that perhaps it was your star." Friedrich Hebbet</font color=orange>

[LadyDragus]

oops you clicked on wrong name

<font color=blue>
I am not worthy of your love
I am seeking worth
Let me find it now
Let me look for it with you
I am not worthy of your friendship
Help me to find it

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}

I've been waiting so long for this day to see him again, and now he's doing all this other stuff. Forcing me to attend therapy and creating rules that I must adhere to, will not help me at all, only build resentment.

Some of the rules are understandable and I agree. Like one was no more disruption in his waiting area. I cut myself out there once and it caused a commotion and a mess. Keeping all my appts or a 24 hour notice is also an understandable rule.

As for my h, I have been an ATM machine for at least 6 years now - it's less stressful for Alex & ultimately myself. It's not by choice, believe me.

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[Peanut61]

Hi (((((((((Mary Alice))))))))).

I hope it's OK to share my thoughts...

What you and he were doing before wasn't working for you it seems to me.

It seems like before you wanted him to take control, and now that he is, you don't like it, (understandably).

I think that the anger you feel cannot be resolved by ignoring it, and not addressing it (the anger) with him keeps you in the role of powerless victim.

Does it make sense that your T, however misguided, is trying to do this 'for' you, and not 'to' you? He has you there to try to help you, but seeing him as doing things 'to' you seems to recreate the theme of controlling, all-powerful, abuser, with you as weak, powerless, victim, (which you are not). Is this not how it was in your early years?

This dynamic is ultimately not about him; it's here to work on your underlying issues it seems to me.

I hope you're not mad that I wrote more than hugs this time. I've been holding back because I didn't want to hurt you in any way, but a friend says things the was they see them.

XOXO, Peanut

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[heatherm]

(((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))

Try to keep an open mind here hun....let your guard down a bit to see what happens. I know how hard that is for you.

Take it from me hun about the hubby.....it's not worth it. You are too important to let him rule you. If it helps any....you are the one who I drew on the most for strength to get out of my relationship. Take some from me now and don't be afraid.

Love you xoxo


Heather

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Your input is always valuable to me - please never be afraid to voice what you think.

I'm not sure if before it wasn't working - he was there for me when I needed him, I was able to talk openly to him, and he kept me alive. We discussed things, I applied certain things to problems. His issue is that we didn't work things out so that the problems didn't keep continuing - all we did was deal with them and diffuse the stress at the time.

I did tell him my anger about the DBT group - if I don't go, he won't continue working with me. That isn't "good" for me - that creates hostility. Maybe if he had asked me to go once just to see what it was about, and then make up my own mind about going back..............but that isn't an option.

And yes, that is how it was in my early years and basically my whole life. I know my T believes that these rules are in my best interest, that he wants to help me........I just think that I should have a choice somewhere along the line other than "do this or I won't see you anymore" - he calls it "ineffectual care".

I just don't know how to break down this wall between him and I............I don't think I can walk away from him.

xoxoxoxox


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm trying, but he hurt me so badly before that I just have a hard time letting him back in.

Thanks for the compliment, I am surprised but glad that I was able to help you in anyway. I know h is not worth it - I'm just worn down from everything around me, and what he's doing isn't helping.

I've missed you

Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[heatherm]

((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))

I know just how you feel....the irony of it is that is when I found the most strength. Things are seemingly falling into place around me now.

Yes you do have strength...I know it is in there. You shared it with me. Keep hanging on there hun. If anyone can make a go of things it is you.

Love you xoxo


Heather

[PlanningtoLive]

[sigh] Found a new way to harm myself. I was feeling so depressed tonight at work - next week they have cut 12 hours off my schedule. I'm finally getting insurance, which is going to cost me and now my hours are down - I need MORE hours, not less.

My agreement with them was for 60 hours per week. When I questioned the schedule, I was told the District Manager wants to talk to me about it.........wonderful.

I've gotten stressed so of course I do stupid things. Tonight on the way home I took a cig. and burned my inner arm enough to where the top layer of skin has completely peeled off. It is red, and raw. The surrounding skin is kind of a mottled brown.

Worst thing is I enjoyed the pain.........and there goes rule #1 if my T sees it - damn.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[SweetCrusader]

aw, (((((Mary Alice))))).... so sorry to hear this!

and i am still bugged by your T's rule. like i said, i don't think it's going to help you in any way.

i hope things get better for you. ((((lots of hugs)))) best of luck!!! when do you see your T again?

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't think it's going to help me either. He's stressing me out more.

I sent him an email asking him if he was going to abandon me again, and his response was "as long we keep our agreements that we discussed and we do as we said, I have no need to terminate things prematurely."

"We" didn't agree to anything.........He told me, and I had no other option unless I quit seeing him.

Anyway.........I see him again next Wed., my pdoc on the 13th, and supposedly my T on the 15th, but that one I may have to reschedule.


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[SweetCrusader]

Have you mentioned that to him? The part about how it was a "he" thing and not a "we" thing in your agreement?

And have you talked to him about the fact that this just makes it harder on you rather than helping?

It really is so important to allow clients to have time to work up to replacing si with other coping mechanisms. Forcing someone into a no-harm agreement and expecting them to quit cold turkey is so much harder on them in long-run, no matter how good the intentions of the T are.

Also, it sounds like you feel like your T's very acceptance of you is conditional upon you giving up si. It should never be that way!! I think most of us would respond in the same way. I know that I would.

Why can't your T see that? Is he just not good with working with si, or has he allowed himself to get to his "wit's end" over this rather than being smart about it and realizing that change takes time (esp this particular change)? Or is this more of the clinic's deal really than his?

Again, I'm sorry you're going through this. You shouldn't have to be. ((((Mary Alice)))

Angela

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[PlanningtoLive]

Yes, I've mentioned the "his" thing vs. "us" and those are the guidelines that must be adhered to - regardless.

It's not so much the SI thing. He knows that if I get completely overwhelmed and do it, he won't be happy about it but that's different than if I do it just for nothing.

The part that has me in turmoil is this group therapy thing and the fact that I have no choice in going or not. It's go or else. I'm sure it must cost something so I have to pay for something that he wants me to go to plus find time away from my job to do this in when I need the hours.

Plus his total disregard for my feelings/thoughts on going to this. And yes, his acceptance of me back hinges on all his guidelines, including this one. These are his things, not the clinics.

On the one hand he says that he took a lot of heat for letting me return, because policy is really permanent discharge................then he turns around and forces me to go somewhere I have no wish to be.

I don't understand it. And I hate the thought that I will end up arguing with him over it - I have a tendency with him from habit to freely express my anger, and now it seems like I can't. I hope I don't slip and let it out.

{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Courage is fear that has said its prayers.
Dorothy Bernard

[SweetCrusader]

I hope you DO slip and let it out!

(In as constructive a way as possible of course)

This is YOUR life, not his, and you pay him to provide a service to you, not to be controlling!

(((((Mary Alice))))

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-

[ErinBear]

Hi Mary Alice,

I hope you don't mind if I join the discussion. I care about you too. I am glad you can finally talk to your therapist again, and I'm concerned that you are having so many difficulties already. I guess I am wondering if all the rules, difficult as they seem in so many ways, are really for your benefit as well as his, so that the working relationship between both of you can go better in the long run. I know something like attending the DBT group sounds like a horrid thing at the moment, but I am guessing that since your therapist knows you really well by this point, he would not recommend something like that lightly...nor even insist on it without a lot of consideration. He may think that this will provide the best care for you. And it's hard to know what the clinic insisted on, too, if your working relationship was to continue. Maybe the clinic wanted him to insist you attend the group as another backup to therapy? I don't know.

As hard as it is, I guess I'm wondering....what would happen if you tried the group out and tried to go to it with as open a mind as possible? Maybe some good things could happen there. Maybe you could learn some new coping skills that really *would* be useful. Maybe you could make some new friends, close friends, that would really be a plus right now. And even though attending this group might seem like a drawback at the moment, because it is a commitment you might not otherwise make, there might be some good in it. And plus, by doing so, it will be another thing that will help your therapist feel more comfortable (apparently) with your working relationship, perhaps in knowing that you have even more resources for support, care, education, etc. I know the relationship you have had with him is extremely special but it is important to also have other kinds of support too, I think.

I hope it is okay that I wrote this.....thinking of you and sending hugs (((((Mary Alice)))))

Take care,
ErinBear