Day of Doctor Appts.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
The way I see it is that in your life there are only 2 people who count. You and Alex. The rest of them are vampires sucking you dry. I am so angry at your mother and your husband.

You have a right to be happy. You have a right to be well. You have a right to be loved and cared for no matter how bad things get for you. If those around you are denying you those rights then you have a right to go find others who will give the level of love and support that you give them.

But put that aside right now. Those thoughts are to big at this point. I beg you please don't go looking for a second job. Get you paycheck and keep your money. If your husband wants money for beer and cigs he can get his own job. You need to rest. You need to recover. It is unfair for you to have to shoulder this burden alone. You are a precious soul who gives so much and deserves more then you think you do.
Take care Dear One,
Carrie <font color="purple">

{{{{{{Wendy}}}}}}}}}

You are so sweet and thoughtful. I know Alex needs me, but I have so long been "existing" that I don't feel anything that would enable me to live.

There is nothing much left of me except the outer shell. Two days out and my h is getting upset with me because I am quiet and not "myself" and I'm "thinking too much".
He would not like what I am thinking or doing, so he needs to back off.

I have been more assertive about him getting a part time job - and he has actually been trying. Most employers will not hire him in any way because he can't read/write much at all. He refuses to go and try to get help because he "did that 20 years ago and it didn't work then either".

Today I was off and I spent all day putting in applications for a second job. I even went back to Chuck E. Cheese and I was told that I couldn't come back in anyway because he didn't want "that" in his store.......he had heard about my hospital stay and didn't want the stress or drama at the store. That hurt me, I will admit.

My psychiatrist is gone till next week and new T's first appt is next week too. I work straight thru till then (Wed). Not sure how I am going to deal with the working part.......I'm stressing just thinking about it.

All the love back at you, xoxoxoxoxoxox

{{{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}

I have always valued your thoughts and friendship. I think you are so special, and so strong.

I agree about the recovery and time to heal part - neither of which I'm getting. Went back to work the next day after release - thought I would go crazy.

I need more hospital time - I know this. I'm not sure what happened that day in my car that made me do what I did, but I do know that it was/is major and it's going to happen again...........I'm sorry to say that, and I don't want to offend anyone, please. Just being honest.

I called my psychiatrist and told his voice mail that I wish I was dead, that I had not had intervention, and that I want to die. Nice things to say, but all true.

It seems like if I don't act like I did before, people get angry with me. Things are off kilter now, not right. I can't explain why or how exactly, but they are. I'm not part of things, more of an outsider.

Hard to explain I guess. My mom finally decided to talk to me, and acted like nothing much had happened. We discussed the food I ate.......wow.

Now I have about 4 hours till I have to get up and go to work. I just can't keep this up for much longer.

Oh my god Mary Alice -- I hadn't seen this thread. I don't know what to say, other than I wish desperately that I could do something to take your pain away. Thinking of you (MA)

{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Believe me, I know that feeling of just existing for so long that you don't know if living could ever even be possible. That is a really discouraging feeling, and possibly something you could consider starting with when you start therapy again next week. After all this time, we start to wonder if there is even anything left - even enough hope to be able to change. But here we are still talking about it and still looking for answers and reaching for someone to understand and to help us, so there must be something left, right? If there were not still part of you that wants to live and knows that you need some help so that you can, then either you would have been gone from us a long time ago, or you would have just resigned yourself to the status quo and would not be on this site talking to us about it, and wouldn't be seeking therapy or even overdosing. All of those things come from the part of you that still knows there is more to life for you and still wants a chance to be who you can be and find satisfaction and happiness. It's not too late, and you do deserve to live. It's not going to be easy, and you will have to make some changes, but you really can do it.

Love,
Wendy

{{{{{{{{{{LMo}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for your concern and well wishes.

Mary Alice,
I have the uncomfortable feeling that this thread as crossed the line as far as suicidal posts go. We are all concerned for you. We want you to be well and get the help you need. You know you are still suicidal but you left the hospital anyway. You know you need to go back. I feel like a big meany posting this but there is a guideline in our forum rules that says "no suicidal posts." I am afraid that this has become such a post becuase you have made it quite clear that you are suicidal and you won't go get the help you need. Please, dear friend, go get the help you need.
Carrie <font color="purple">

Mary Alice,

You know that I'm not good with words these days.

You're my friend, and I love you. I've never wanted you to be anybody, or anything else but what you are. You said it yourself, you need to be in the hospital. You need to be somewhere safe. You're not in a safe place right now. Mary Alice, I'm really a very selfish person. I've lost two people that I cared about to suicide on these boards, and it hurts like hell to lose someone you love. I know your pain is a very personal thing, and I won't disrespect you by saying I understand what you're going thru, because I don't. Everyone's pain is different. If there was something, anything I could do to help, I would. My friendship with you is special, just the way it's special with every friend I have here. I selfishly don't want to lose you. I don't want you to be number three. Please think about going back to the hospital, get the help that you need, and deserve. The job can wait, your life can't. You won't be alone. All of us here will be with you. If you tell me where you'll be, I'll call you everyday. I hope you decide to stay with us Mary Alice, I'd miss you so much if you were gone.

Love you,
Greg

It's okay, Carrie. I will keep my thoughts and feelings quiet from here on.

{{{{{{{{Greg}}}}}}}}}} Thank you. Anything else I will send in a PM so as not to overstep.

xoxoxxo

It is not that I want you to keep your thoughts and feelings quiet. It is that you need to get to the hospital. It is torture for us to have you tell us repeatedly that your life is unbearable, then to have you attempt suicide and leave the hospital before you are ready and continue telling us you are suicidal. There is nothing we can do but sit here and watch our friend self destruct. It tears at our hearts to give all the support we can and have our friend ignore it and continue on her path of self destruction. Our hands are tied here. We are captive because we don't know where you are. We can't come knocking on your door to make sure you are safe. We can only just sit here and watch. That is why suicidal posts are not allowed because there is absolutely nothing we can do but watch it happen.

Sweetheart, You need to get help. Life can be good but you need to make the decision to reach out in the real world and get the help that will enable you to see the options that you have available to you to make your life wonderful.
In Love and Light,
Carrie <font color="purple">