[PlanningtoLive]

Today was my day off and I spent most of it in between driving and seeing two of my three docs.

Since I have been burning my arms lately with cigs, my right arm is very bad. I noticed that it was infected last night and was glad that I was going to my primary doc first.

I had told them that I had to be out of there quickly because I had my 2nd appt. with my T at 2pm, so they told me to come in at 1pm - I'd be his first appt. Well, I didn't see my primary till 1:20 and I was freaking because I had to go from one end of town to the other.

I asked him first to fix my arm.......he said, "what did you do?" So I told him and he just closed his eyes and then examined my arm - it is red and warm to the touch. Plus I had gotten some icky stuff out of it earlier. He put some stuff on it and bandaged it up - I have done it from my elbow to the middle of my arm. The only thing he said was, "did it help?" meaning the act of doing it.

I have to see him next week to check my arm.......so I got out of there and just flew across town to see my T. The first session you know, didn't exactly go well. Of course he asked about my arm and wanted to know why I had done it.

So, I was truthful and told him it was because of him and his guidelines and forcing me to go to group. He admitted that he is forcing me and that he is holding it over my head - go or don't come back. He also had me sign his guidelines after I had him remove the word "participate" in the sentence that said I agree to go to group.

After all that, we talked and I told him completely how he had made me feel by abandoning me last time - all the fear, the anxiety, and the feeling that I am defective because he walked away. I ended up in tears as I asked him if anything he had felt and shown was real.

I can call him, up to 8pm.......not all hours of the night like before but that's okay with me. Email contact is okay again and he did promise me that as long as I show progress, he will not simply abandon me again. I left in a decent mood.

Then I'm driving home, looking at my bandaged arm, and I get angry because I can't get to it and do it some more.......so what do I do? Start on the left arm .

I called my pdoc and left a message about this and he called me tonight. I told him that I'm getting really worried about me doing it, because I can't seem to stop now. Before, the cutting was not visible. I was very careful. I'm not even trying to keep it hidden this time.

My pdoc gave me some suggestions and I see him on Monday.

I just can't seem to cope with stress anymore.

[SweetCrusader]

(((Mary Alice)))

You're in a bad place right now, but that doesn't mean it will last forever. I don't mean to discount what you're feeling. I know it's really, really hard (and I know that's a major understatement). But it really won't last forever. You CAN get to a place where you don't have to rely on si, or at least where you don't have to rely on it as much as you are right now. You just have to hang in there.

It sounds to me like things went really well in your session! I think your T sounds like he's willing to work with you, much more than he was last time you posted!

One thing I wanted to say is that... I totally agree that your T was going about things all wrong. You know that. I also think that, from this post, it sounds like you're putting all the blame on him for your si. You know that's not how it works. He contributed, but he didn't put the cigs to your flesh. You made that choice. I hope that doesn't sound harsh, because I'm still totally behind you! I really am! I just think it's important for all of us, when we si, to remember that we do have a choice in it- even if it's hard to choose otherwise. I seriously don't put blame on anyone for si, though. So I hope you don't feel accused or judged. I would be a hypocrite if I did that, cause I have my own si history.

I just really hope things start getting better. Maybe it's still be hard for a while before it gets better, but I do believe things will get better for you. And I'm pulling for you!

(((hugs)))

Angela

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}

First, it's okay what you said. I don't blame my T at all for my stupidity. He provoked the emotions within myself, but I take full responsibility for my actions. He simply asked me why I had done it. He realized that what I meant because after I said "you".......his next question was "what were you feeling when you did that?"

I just know that by next week my other arm is going to be as bad.........and then what. I'm trying to do as my pdoc suggested and get through each hour at a time. Not a whole day, just an hour, then try the next hour. It's going to cause major problems at work soon - I work in a fast food restaurant.

There's too much in my head and too many voices in there whispering negative things to me. The meds have helped with the voices somewhat and my mind doesn't race all the time like it did.

Today's session started out badly, but after I told him how I felt, my "old" T came out and made me feel better again. I've missed him so much.

Take care.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I don't have a lot to say right now. It sounds like your T is listening to you a little better now, and taking things an hour at a time sounds like a plan to me. Hang in there, sis! You are going to make it. You are an amazing person, and I just know that you can overcome.

Love,
Wendy

[SS8282]

(((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))))

[SweetCrusader]

(((((Mary Alice)))))

I'm glad things are getting better with your T. I don't have much to say today, but I just wanted to say that I'm glad things are going better with your T- and to let you know I'm still reading your posts, and still supporting you, even though I'm kinda out of it this week

Angela

[Peanut61]

<font color="blue">(((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))... XOXO!! </font>

[heatherm]

(((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))

I am thinking of you and I know that you will get through this. How are you doing today?

xoxo

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Jill}}}}}}}}}}}}}

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{{Heather}}}}}}}}}}}}

I'm concerned about my new habit. I've talked to my pdoc, but I have burns all over my right arm (severe ones) and I started on the left one.

Before I would keep what I do hidden, but these are out in the open and causing me problems, esp. at work. So many questions from people. My h finally figured out that I did the burns and he is disgusted with me.

I am amazed at the lengths that I will go to in order to harm myself - it scares me.

I hope you're doing okay.

xoxoxoxox

[SweetCrusader]

((((Mary Alice)))) I haven't been online in a few days. Just checking in to see how things are going now with you. How are you?

Angela

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}

thank you for asking. I'm in a very dark place right now, can't dredge up enthusiasm or smiles or anything lately.

I hope you are doing well, though.

[SweetCrusader]

((((Mary Alice)))) That's ok. Real friends are not only there for the smiles, you know!

Be strong, whatever that means for you at this time, ok?

Still sending you warm thoughts and lots of hope!!

Angela

[Zenobia]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Just giving you an extra hug. You don't need to respond just know you are in my thoughts.
Carrie

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{Carrie}}}}}}}}}}}}

I overdosed last Tues. Right now I am in the psych ward at the hospital. They have held a hearing and I am hoping to be released tomorrow. I gather I took over 80 pills and somehow made my way into my Ts office and then collapsed when he came out.

I stopped breathing and they had to resusiciate(sp) me. I'm in such a bad place at the moment. They stopped all my meds and tomorrow I have a meeting with my psychiatrist and the board of doctors here for an action plan plus I am on a 90 day probation.

I have a list of things that I can't do or else I am picked up and brought back here. Course I am sure that my T will use this as an excuse to abandon me again - I "disrupted" his waiting room again. [sigh]

Please say some prayers for me. Thanks.

Mary Alice

[Peanut61]

Oh, gosh, (((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))...I'm so sorry for your pain... I wish there was something comforting I could say... Saying a prayer and sending more (((((((HUGS))))))...

XOXO!!!

[Rapunzel]

(((((((((((Mary Alice))))))))))))))

Please take the time you need to get straightened out and back in control of your life. Stay in the hospital for a while if you need to. I know that you don't think you can take the time for it, but you just have to. If you don't make some changes it can't get better.

I care about you.
Love,
Wendy

[SweetCrusader]

((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I care, too, and I'm pulling for you!!!

Angela

[kax25]

(((((mary alice)))))
i hope you are doing better today. you are in my prayers.
Max

[SS8282]

((((((((((((((Mary Alice)))))))))))))))) So sorry. If your T abandons you, then find another one. You deserve all the help available. I wish there's something I can do. Hang in there. Good luck with the docs. I'm thinking of you. Big hugs.

[Zenobia]

You will be the first on my list, dear one. Take care of yourself. It might be wise to stay in the hospital for a little while. Suddenly having to stop your meds can be rather...uncomfortable. It might be a good idea to be in a place you can get help right away.
Carrie

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Everyone}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thank you for the well wishes and support. I am home now - I was able to get released late this afternoon.

I was correct, my T abandoned me again. It sent me into hysterics and then my primary doc called me to see how I was, and without thinking, said "wish I hadn't gotten out of my car". Course that was not the right thing to say at the time, but I said it wasn't the first time my T had screwed me over and I'd get over it. He told me to let him know if he could help.

I met with the board and because I had been "good" they were of the opinion that I could leave. They had been checking my arms daily from the cig burns to see if they had been healing, which I have allowed to happen. Plus I stayed in my room alot alone - safer that way than allowing others to tolerate my non-medicated self.

I was allowed at first to be elevated to RA status - Responsible Adult - meaning I could go outside with one for 15 mins. at a time.........which meant my husband. Today in the morning, since they had decided to discharge me, I was granted "full" priviledges (sp) and allowed to go out alone or anywhere within the hospital.

My psychiatrist showed up around 4:15pm and we talked. He has set up a new T for me - I asked him to warn the new one that I'm not exactly friendly these days.

He wrote me out a release for work, told me that I had stopped breathing in my former T's office area, that I had had a breathing tube down my throat and had been in ICU in critical condition all Tues. night.

I remember much of nothing till Thursday. We left the hospital, went to my job to get my paycheck stub only to find that my money hadn't made it into the bank (direct deposit) and that I had also been shorted about 25 hours worth of pay (overtime on top of it).

Then I'm told that I will only be scheduled 40 hours per week instead of 60 because I'm not reliable - the GM had to work a 14 hour day (gee, what a shame......I've done it a million times). I start freaking out.......no money, no hours, only one week of pay next time around.......I'm screwed.

Then we get to the pharmacy to get my new meds. My skin is crawling, my nerves are shot, and I find out that they are having problems with the prescription. All the way home I keep wondering why I survived, why I am fine with no left over effects.

I could think that G*d has some purpose for me - wish I knew what it was honestly, other than for Alex. Then my mom screams at me how I could do this to her, how I could hurt her........it's like, excuse me, but this wasn't about you, it was about hurting myself.

I know that my actions hurt others........that is a fact although it was not intentional. It was intentional to harm myself and I'd be a fool not to realize how simple it was for me to do - it scares me down to my toes.

I have to find a second job now. I came home to a mess of course. I spent my time doing laundry, helping Alex with his homework, cleaning up the house, vaccuuming, and putting away/sorting through a pile of bills on the counter from the past week.

I work tomorrow, have to call corporate and see about my money, and be cheery even though my meds will not have kicked in yet. The urges are so strong, even now - it's horrible. I had my h get rid of all my meds in the cabinet, but he missed some.............I can't seem to throw those away yet. And this is only day one.

I need strength from somewhere. It's not within myself, that's for sure. I've been manic all night running thru the house like a whirlwind. I wish for peace within myself, and answers as to why I have escaped dying 3 times.

Forgive me if I've been graphic or too explicit. I'm thinking outloud and very, very stressed. I want to be selfish and stop thinking about people telling me how I've hurt them..........[sigh]

[SweetCrusader]

(((((Mary Alice)))))

Are you sure that you're ready to be out of the hospital? I'm very concerned about you right now.

I really hope you don't do this to yourself again, and that you can find some reasons to live.

((((hugs))))

Angela

[PlanningtoLive]

{{{{{{{Angela}}}}}}}}}}}}}

No, I shouldn't be out of the hospital right now. I knew that the moment I started feeling out of control when we left the hospital. I had to go - bills, insurance, etc......the usual reasons that I can't take care of me.

Plus my son wanted me home badly. Why can't people understand though that I'm not "me"? I'm trying very hard to keep it together - thinking it's got to get easier to do, and not believing a word of it when I know in 2 weeks what my pay will be like and I can't pay something or keep h happy.

Everything will be forgotten by then, and everything will be my fault again. I dread it and the feelings it produces.

I'm looking for reasons myself, just not doing real well at it which makes me look completely selfish.

Thanks for the hugs.

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary Alice}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

I want so badly for things to get better for you. Yes, God has a purpose for you. Alex needs you for one thing, but there is more to it than that also. There are things for you to do and learn and accomplish in this life, for your own benefit and to help others.

What is it going to take for you to push off and start climbing, and make the changes in your life that you need to so that you can have enjoyment in life? There is a reason why you are still alive, but being alive isn't enough. You need to live too, and you can't just keep going the way you are. You work too hard and you give too much to people who are bottomless pits and will drain you empty and keep asking for more. That doesn't work. You have to start with taking care of yourself and getting your needs met (even if that means hospital for a while), or you won't have anything to give to anyone.

I'm sorry about your mother's comments. That just isn't helpful to have someone putting their hurt above yours - which was painful enough to get you into the situation you were in. I know what that is like.

Mary Alice, your husband is every bit as capable of working as you are. He needs to do something to support you, or you need to dump him and stop letting him suck you dry. This isn't right. You should not have to get a second job in order to provide his luxuries.

Please get some rest and take care of yourself and give the new T a chance. You can make it, but you are going to have to start considering your own needs and making them a priority.

With Much Love,
Wendy xoxxoxooxoxx