just thoughts...

I had a rather interesting T session today.

We got talking about my self injury again (3 months tomorrow!!) and I told him that - even though I know that I am doing this for Phil - I can feel that sometime in the future, i'll eventually realise that Im doing it for myself aswell. I know thats not quite the case now, if I ever lost Phil in the present, I know that I'd relapse, but I just know there will be a day when I will be able to do this on my own.

I told T that it seems different now, like my point of view has changed about it all. Now, instead of feeling the need to punish myself, to hurt myself and to damage my body, (which, well, is a big step for me anyway) but its more having the marks and the scars that I feel the need to have.

I told him that when I look into the future, and I see myself with no scars and not self harming, I panic. The first thought that comes into my head is 'No. That cant happen.' I know I want to be SI free, but there is a huge part of me that doesnt want to stop this.

When I see that my scars are fading, I get scared. The more they fade, the more I want them there... almost of I NEED them there.

I mentioned that I felt protected by them, like they are my source of comfort and that if they weren't there I would feel as if I'd lost a part of me, like a part of me was missing.

I am scared. They are fading. They really are. But if I want to get better, I have to accept this. I have to accept that they are going to go. I have a huge part of me that thinks that its just plain not acceptable, that it cant happen, I need to be covered in marks and scars and bruises.

Its hard. Trying not to give into urges is one thing, but trying to accept the fact that it will no longer be with me, that I havent got it to fall back on is another thing.

Why is it so hard?

babyg - x

Hon - I totally get this. The marks - needing the marks.
I relapsed last week and there is a part that looks at the scars and is glad because the others were fading. and now that there are new cuts still healing, the old scars stand out more. and i still hide them from others. but they are important to me that i see them. i dunno why.

perhaps... perhaps they can be allowed to fade from the body... because they will always be on the heart?

Hope you are ok!!!
Kiya

Thanks Kiya and fuzzy...

Feel a bit less weird as so to speak knowing that Im not alone in this, I thought it was a really odd way of thinking!

I am getting by better each day Kiya, cheers for asking

much love, babyg - x

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x_BabyG_x said:

I told him that when I look into the future, and I see myself with no scars and not self harming, I panic. The first thought that comes into my head is 'No. That cant happen.' I know I want to be SI free, but there is a huge part of me that doesnt want to stop this.



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(((((((((((((((((((( babyG )))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Maybe this is one of those "one day at a time" things. Like you said, when you first gave it up, it was totally for Phil, but now you can at least see where it might also be for you someday. That's so much progress. What if you just look at today, instead of some future when the scars have faded, etc.? Whenever I try to let go of a coping mechanism - whether it's my ED, or SI, or drinking, or whatever - it's so, so scary to me to think about a future without it. But if I can just stay in today, it feels more manageable, and positive things start to happen.

You are doing SO great. You are an inspiration!

Hey you... check out Kudos, I left a post for you there.

But I thought I'd congratulate you here too...

Congrats on 3 months! That's a fantastic achievement, it really is.

It's hard because the urges get stronger when we get stronger. The way you once thought of coping isn't going to be the "main" thing on your mind anymore... at least not all the time. So your brain (and the addiction, because that's what SI is) freaks out - and it gets harder to deal. It's normal.

You're doing a good job thus far. Just take it one day at a time... there aren't any mistakes, you're not a failure if you fall ... you just get up to try again.

Letting go of something that's been a part of you for so long is hard... nobody always like change, even if it's for your benefit. Change is hard.

I know this sounds silly, but you can draw on your arms (or wherever you want) if it makes you feel any better to have markings there... I still do that sometimes. Highlighters, pens, markers... I doodle, I draw... sometimes I do dots (in RED)... people look at me like I've got a contagious disease. (lol) I write positive messages to myself sometimes... sometimes I draw happy faces, or hearts... you can still be a "canvas" of markings... but these ones aren't bad for your health.

Hi Baby, you feel better after SI ing? Do the scars remind you of the comfort that you received from the SI? I would think a way out of this is to find a different comfort, of course a healthy one!

Congratulations on three months! Wow. I believe you will be able to do this for yourself also. As you heal hopefully you will see that you deserve the compassion as you show others. I am also glad you have Phil. I know how important that has been for you.

I can relate to your feelings of the scars. Maybe they represent to you some relief you felt from SI. But you have now found new ways to get the same relief that is not harmful to yourself. You have just changed your focus. It is hard to lose something that has been a part of you.

I am glad you are discussing this with your T as it is such a big part of healing. If you can keep exploring these feelings and he can help you understand and deal with them constructively.

BB