Grrr........

I've been messing up so much here latley, I told myself that today I wasn't going to self injure, that is starting to look less and less likley, I'll be shocked if I do make it through the day si free.

I feel like crap and I know I shouldn't....I hate that my mom does %#@&#! like that to me. I tell her no and she makes me feel selfish.
My little cousin is in town and she is staying with us today, mom asked if I would go with her this morning to pick her up and I told her no, I was still in bed and work was really rough yesterday, I worked 10 hours and I haven't been sleeping well. My mom went off on me calling me self-centered and that all I do is think of myself, that I never do anything anymore unless it benifits me. She then slammed my door and left, I just layed there and cryed....I know I shouldn't feel this way....I just stood my ground, I was getting the rest I needed. But it's been like this since I was really little, I don't do something mom's way and all of a sudden I'm a selfish horrible person and I deserve to be yelled at. She has always guilted me into doing things, I have a horrible guilt complex and she works it to her benifit.......

I feel miserable, maybe my mom is right, I am selfish and horrible and a mess. I don't know I'm so confused, I deserve to hurt right??? I feel like I should punish myself......

It's like nothing I do is enough for her, nothing I do is enough for anyone IRL. I feel bad, horrible, my mom is right I'm selfish, I shouldn't be going to thearpy, I should just get over the car accident, I'm being dramatic, just like she taught me, stuff it all away don't cry don't express just hide it away until you blow up and have a nice little screaming fit over little things.....

Hi Silver, you were trying to meet your needs and you weren't being selfish! Hmmmm, this scenario that you just explained is making it a little clearer to me why you might be where you are......

You are seeing the situation correctly here:

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Silversparrow said:
it's been like this since I was really little, I don't do something mom's way and all of a sudden I'm a selfish horrible person and I deserve to be yelled at or hurt. She has always guilted me into doing things, I have a horrible guilt complex and she works it to her benifit.......

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I feel so horrible, I make my mom sound like this mean and horrible person, she isn't a bad person, I love my mom and here I am making her sound like this horrible person. She just has her faults, I'm getting all parinoid now, maybe I should delete this post, what if she was to somehow find it or see it, not like she gets on the computer or on the internet but I feel sick I am a bad person.........
But I see Sannah, I see now, I've always kinda of thought that but actually putting it down is hard...I don't know what to do.. I just feel like curling up in a ball and crying... I feel sick to my stomache

Silver, your mom is responsible for her own behavior. She choses to act a certain way and she should suffer the consequences of her choices (looking bad) not you. I also know that your mom is also a good person and that you love her. It is okay to have these feelings....

My parents always taught me not to talk of family problems outside of the family, it's been ingrained in me since I was really little. I always feel guilty if I talk about things that include family to well just to actually talk about them makes me feel guilty, the past and other's behavior is rarely discussed.......

Am I warped for feeling so guilty?? I don't know I'm just in a bad place, everything is changing around me and I'm the only thing that is staying the same, that little outburst by my mom was just the thing to send me over the edge, I have to pull myself together....

I could see how you would feel guilty if you were taught this. Keeping this a secret is not how you get better though. I wouldn't run through the streets telling everyone (and you are not!) but telling a therapist or discussing it here is so that you can get better and this is productive. Is this why therapy is stressing you out?

I can see a connection with you being taught to keep everything a secret (including your feelings) and why you SI now.

You say that everything is changing around you and you are staying the same. Are you sure that you aren't the one who is trying to change in your static environment and this is why you feel a bit shaken?

Yeah thearpy is going to be hard, I'm thinking about taking my most recent journal and letting her read it, sometimes I have a big problem with actually talking bout my emotions but I never have a problem writing about them...

I guess I just feel stuck, almost all my friends are gone now, they moved into dorms yesterday, the thearpy is a change, new car, new responsiblities, work is changing, I just don't deal well with change, never have I'm a stubbron old mule and I like my routine. I know I'll feel better when my classes at the community college start and I get myself set into a routine. I don't think I'm changing...at least not yet, I hope i change, I don't want to be like this the rest of my life....

Change is hard when you have trouble functioning. I moved 14 years ago and that broke the dam. My entire life changed and I couldn't cope but this is what finally made me take a very good look at myself and change the things that weren't working.

Do you feel better about what happened this morning?

I do feel better, thank you so much Sannah for talking this out with me..I feel alot better actually, less guilty. I feel safe, stable which is good my mom and cousin should be getting home soon.
((((Sannah))))

((((((((Silversparrow)))))))
I can relate to that, my mom used to do the same stuff to me. Im sure she didn't mean it that way, give her some time and maybe talk to her and tell her that you do not like it when she says those things and that you really needed rest. Just my thoughts....Please try to stay safe. If you need anything let me know. Ok?

Silver, I am so glad that you feel better! It was my pleasure to help you.

Can you see how you had feelings that you were totally uncomfortable with and that there is another way to deal with them instead of SI?

This is what helped me get better. I had to get insight from others to help me work through these things. When we are raised in a way that causes us trouble we really don't know any other way unless we get out there and search for answers to help us. This is exactly what you did!

I have to go out now so I will be signing out. I hope you have a great day!