[gothham]

Well, after being out of rehab for a little under a week and eight days straight SI free I blew it. I tried using my safety plan, but I couldn't get myself to stay focused on it once I exhausted the first strategy to no avail. I had a very rough day today and finally gave in and cut - not just a little, but several cuts in several places. I thought about how I was able to cut while "in patient" and then stop for eight days straight. I was only intending to cut just a little to relieve the tension, but once I acted, it felt so good that I didn't stop there. Now I realize I'm not at the point of wanting to give it up -not for myself or anybody else. It does too much for me. I don't know what or how to tell my therapist, although it will be more than obvious. I see her Wednesday and I know she will be disappointed as will my psych who she will be obligated to tell as he is her boss. I also have my out patient intake app't tomorrow and several other medical app'ts this week so I'm sure there are going to be other problems as a result of my cutting again. I don't know what to do! I know cutting is against human nature but it works and helps me. So why when it did work today do I feel so down, confused, lost and guilty. I don't want to get to the point I was right before rehab, but I didn't realize how bad it had gotten until they locked me up and I was able to reflect on it. All the scars, secrecy, shame and guilt - I wondered how I could have done so much and now I know how much I need it and want to. So, why then all the guilt and shame? What do I do now? I don't see anything promising ahead.

[Sannah]

Hi Gottham, please don't be too down on yourself. Getting better is a progression not a switch that you turn off or on. You said that you had a rough day that got you to that point. What happened?

Why all the guilt and shame? Because everyone is telling you that SI is wrong? Our feelings are useful and meant to be dealt with. People who SI haven't learned how to process or work with their feelings. I know that you are only SI ing because it gives you relief. You are only trying to cope here. Is your plan to move forward and learn how to process your feelings so that you don't have to SI?

[gothham]

Hi Sannah, part of went wrong was it was Monday and they are always bad for me as it marks the beginning of being by myself until late Friday. I hadn't been by myself entirely any day since leaving rehab, and I guess I got to thinking how lonely and empty my life is during the week. I get more depressed than usual and cannot get motivated. On top of that I have all these app'ts this week and I couldn't find several papers I needed for my intake and just the thought of having to reach out for help makes me feel miserable as I don't want to talk about it all over with these people. I know that they are only trying to help me, but needing to have them do so makes me feel weak and more vulnerable. It is hard enough with my T and Pdoc and I have been with them for 1 1/2 years+. Also, when I go to my family doc I will be getting two test results back and I'm nervous that there will be aconclusion of another surgery. I'm not really sure what my plan is , although I would like to think I can move forward with recovery. I'm not sure that it is possible as it's not like I just took a step backwards - its more like afterwards I picked myself up and ran with scissors (and we all know what can happen there). Even harder is the fact that I realized afterwards how much I missed it, craved it, had been denying myself that desired relief - albeit even though it was just temporary. Now it is pretty much occupying most of my thoughts in one way or another - felt good, provided much relief, grounded me, need it... followed by the shame of giving in after doing so well, guilt, disappointment...Now I'm not sure what to do. Making it worse is the looming thought of app't with my T tomorrow. Should I try to hide it - I'm sure she would see right through long sleeves and pants in 80+ degrees. How am I gonna deal with having to face and fess up to her that I screwed everything up after all she and Pdoc have been trying to get me past SI. Bottom line is I just let everybody down (including myself which matters the least to me). Now what do I do? Do you think it's actually possible to manage moving forward from my relapse. My head is telling me yes, but I just don't feel like it in my heart that I can give the 100% I fell is necessary. Thanks for your input.

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gothham said:
Now what do I do? Do you think it's actually possible to manage moving forward from my relapse. My head is telling me yes, but I just don't feel like it in my heart that I can give the 100% I fell is necessary. Thanks for your input.

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Gothham

Yes, I absolutely believe it's possible to move forward from your relapse. Recovery isn't about being "perfect" - I've slipped many times on my various paths of recovery (from ED, SI and alcohol/drugs)....but each time I learned something, and I picked myself up and kept working on moving forward.

Can you think of something you learned from this episode? Maybe that you need some extra supports during the week? Or something planned for Monday - like maybe T - to help get you through that first rough day of being alone?

(((((((((((((((((((((((((( Gotham )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Don't give up. When we're just beginning our recovery, it's hard to imagine what is waiting for us down the road...we just have to have faith that it will be better than where we're at now....and then we have to keep on moving down that path, one moment at a time.

[Sannah]

Hi Gottham, so Monday came and you got a feeling of doom? Can you problem solve this with your team, just like EM suggested?

You say that you feel weak and vulnerable reaching out for help. I remember feeling very vulnerable when I would tell anyone about my problems. It's okay, these people are going to help you.

Good luck on getting your test results back.....

I wish that I could just hand you some faith and hope that you can overcome this. Maybe look at each tiny step as a victory? You asked for help and are going to receive it. This is wonderful! If you didn't have anything to learn about yourself you wouldn't be in this position so please try to look at it as you have some stuff to learn about how you are going to recovery and heal yourself. I am assuming that you never learned while growing up how to deal with your feelings. Now you are going to learn how to do this.

About hiding it from your therapist, I have never SI so I don't have any experience but I would suggest that hiding things is not how you get better. Also, I would suggest not going into therapy full of shame. Take control of the situation and tell your therapist and the others that you slipped up but are trying to understand what you need to do to get better. From what I have heard about therapists and how they deal with SI incidents, I don't think that they are very helpful in their approach to it, but this is only my opinion. If you don't like how they respond could you tell them what you need or at least tell them when a response is not helpful?

You didn't screw up everything. If SI was so easy to get over there wouldn't be all these people on this board and on all the other boards all over the web.

You sound like a very nice person who deserves to get better! I'll support you in any way that I can....

[gothham]

Thanks Earthmama & Sannah. I'm not afraid to tell my Therapist about messing up for fear of her being a jerk or threatening me. Actually, it is quite the opposite with her as she is very skilled with dealing with me about it and not scornful or appalled. She has approached it only when I was willing to talk with her about it. If she asked and I didn't want to talk she doesn't "press me" further stating we would deal with it when I was ready and that she would not tell me to stop as she knows it is serving a purpose and doing so would make things only worse. Pretty rare find in a therapist as far as I have heard. I'm more concerned that I will have disappointed her and that I "dissed" she and my pdoc efforts to help me. I know I wouldn't be able to hide it from her as she can read me like a book. I'm also scared as I had given my "blades" to a trusted friend as a step in the right direction and then tonite I find myself in Lowes buying more. How pathetic is that? I just don't see myself as being able to stop as I got too much relief last night and it was instantaneous. How can I move forward if it still feels good, the urges are always there, and my heart says to do it even though my head says "No!" I did go to my intake meeting which was stressful because of all the questions they have to ask about why you were hospitalized, what your past traumas are...I am going to be starting the out patient program soon and I will be covered cost wise to do so. They are going to tailor my schedule to work with the various issues/stressors I have difficulty with. I will most likely be going for six hours five days a week to start with and then go from there, This should provide me with some extra supports as suggested. The lady I spoke with today also provided me with other support info and explained how they work. I will know more by next week. The support I have gotten here has been great - I have never posted to any website before and so far this has been all good for me. Thanks for the concern and support you have provided.

[Sanguis]

It sounds like you have a great therapist.
All I can say now is that I hope that things to get better for you and I'm around if you need someone to talk to.

[Sannah]

Wow Gottham, you are in a good program!!!! I don't think that you will dissapoint your therapist. Do you think that you are her first patient to slip up? Sounds like she understands SI very well. Can't wait until you start working on your issues so that you rely on SI much less until it is gone. You will move forward when you start dealing with your feelings as they are supposed to be dealt with instead of SI.

[gothham]

Thanks Sannah. I saw my therapist today and she was very supportive as you said. She now is going to follow up with me on a daily basis via phone call. I will call her in afternoons and leave vmail and then she will all me back between app'ts to help keep me safe - at least until I get into out patient. She also wondered why I did not call her when the first two strategies didn't work - i told her I didn't want to bother her or anybody else as they have lives of their own. She wouldn't accept that as she said that is what her being my support team is and I have to utilize her when I need to no matter what. She asked why I didn't have their clinic emergency # on my safety plan and that I need to use it and they will get ahold of her so she can contact me back to intervene. When I left app't she sent me to the nurse to make sure wound were not threatening or infected. The nurse talked to me for another 40 minutes about slipping up and suh and that I would be ok and start over and try to go longer and use my resources and not give up if one doesn't work go on to the next. So far I am working on day #one since relapse.

[Sannah]

Gottham, I am so happy for you that you have this program! It sounds so wonderful.....