[einundzwanzig]

I am so ashamed right now, so ashamed that I haven't even told anyone in persom about this. I think it's just easier to write this to people who I don't know personally, that way being judged is less intense for me.

Recently, I wrote a post on here in the relationship section about my struggles in wanting a relationship with a man in my ethics class (this is kind of ironic). All semester we have talked and have hung out with each other and since I've grown to what I think of is love him. Now I'm just feeling many things.

Today, after class, he asked me if I would like to get some coffee with him. I agreed since I didn't have any other classes and it's cold so it seemed like a good idea. We went to a coffee shop and talked for about 2 hours, great conversation and he's just so exciting to me. We talked about many things, politics/current events etc.

Later, we drove around for a while and he lives off campus so he took me to his house. I should have seen that this was a bad sign. But no less, I ignored it and that's when things started to happen. This is probably the time I should tell you, he's married, (his wife was at work). Anyway, I finally got the courage to give him my poem I wrote for him a while back, because even then I knew how I felt about him. I had just been working up enough courage to give him my poem (I carried it in my bag all the time, I know I'm lame lol). Since I wrote the poem in German, I had to translate it to him, but he still liked it, like I knew he would. Needless to say now, we made love, at least I would like to think of it as love. Although I know he is married and he won't leave her for me, in that I don't or would not ever expect him to.

On that note, I feel so disgusting right now, I keep thinking maybe I'm dreaming and that it never happened. But the other half of me feels glad that it happened. I guess I don't know how to feel. I am the last person anyone would think would do something like this. I've never done this before and I feel terrible about it.

What advice do any of you have for me? I am dreading class on Friday because that's when I'll have to see him, and it will be so very awkward. I don't want to go, but I have no choice.

Please don't judge me.
21

[distressed_girl]

That's..pretty big.
I mean, you have urges and stuff that are really, really hard to fight off and sometimes you just can't help give it and it feels good even if it's wrong.
Try to accept that what's done is done and move on. Maybe try to focus on another guy so you don't make the same mistake twice with this man. Also, he may be feeling the same as you do - ashamed but glad that it happened. You can try talking it out and making arrangements so it won't happen again. I mean, if you were married to him, would you want him having sex with someone else? I'm hoping that you are vowing to not do that again, but if you are, try to put herself in his wife's shoes and think about how it would make you feel - how hurt you'd be. Just let this be a one time mistake - learn from it and move on. That's about all you can do I guess..

What I meant is it may be him being cheated on next ? I dunno....I was just thinking of something my husband did.

[Bridger]

Their marriage is not your responsibility, it is his.

Their marriage is not your problem, it is his.

The guilt here is not yours, it is his.

You did not betrays someones trust. He did.

He made his bed, and he will have to lie in it.

You followed your heart, not your head. Your way out is to do the opposite. Follow rationality. Follow logic. Follow your head and ignore your heart.

What I think you should do is find distance. Such a relationship is doomed to fail. You are setting yourself up for emotional chaos. Much greater than it already is.

[distressed_girl]

Originally Posted by Bridger

Their marriage is not your responsibility, it is his.

Their marriage is not your problem, it is his.

The guilt here is not yours, it is his.

You did not betrays someones trust. He did.

He made his bed, and he will have to lie in it.

You followed your heart, not your head. Your way out is to do the opposite. Follow rationality. Follow logic. Follow your head and ignore your heart.

What I think you should do is find distance. Such a relationship is doomed to fail. You are setting yourself up for emotional chaos. Much greater than it already is.

It's partly her fault. She knew what she was doing. Yeah, it's mostly his responsibility, but she knew what she was doing and they both got caught up in the moment, so some of the guilt and problem does go to her, but it was a mistake. Mistakes happen and you can't really help who you fall for

[Yoda]

Originally Posted by Bridger

What I think you should do is find distance.

You can't change the past. Time to move on.

[bebop]

I am sorry you got caught up in the moment. it seems you knew he was married before hand? walk away now while you still can. tell him you will never do it again and stick to it. I have been the wife that was cheated on. it hurts. also have been the one called the other woman. that hurt too. it is a no win situation.

[einundzwanzig]

Thanks guys for your opinions.

Wolfsong, what do you mean karma sucks?

And yes I do take part resposnibility for this, and yes I use my head probably 90% of the time and it had to be this stupid 10% that got me in trouble, this is why I don't do or shouldn't do the relationship thing. It's not meant for me. I swear I'm not getting involved anymore. I'm tired of investing in someone and then getting hurt... this is all so stupid!

21

[lynn P.]

I agree with bebop and I wasn't even going to respond to your post because I can't stand cheaters and I don't want to hurt your feelings. I know this pain all too well and it opens a gaping hole in a person's soul. I think you're both responsible not just him - personally I could never cheat on my partner or if I was single, I wouldn't take another woman's man. I wouldn't want to disrespect a fellow woman by doing this. For him to take you to THEIR home, that's low. He doesn't even have the right to go to the ethics class. Karma means - what goes around comes around.

I answered you above via altering my initial reply.~W~

[sarek]

Its happened. This kind of thing does happen. But you cant dwell on the past. You have realised that it was a mistake and what you must focus on now is first a little damage control and a few foul tasting pills you will have to swallow and then you move on with your life.

Things like this are all learning experiences. Its how we all learn to become wiser and better people.

Very true Sarek...we live and we learn!....~W~

I personally think the blame lays firmly at his door, he knows he is out of order and and shouldnt go sniffing around other women while married...

I would tell him on Friday that you may be pregnant that will teach him a little lesson in life. Or at the very least advise him to go to the Dr as you think you have some sort of infection.

If he has done this to her with you I wonder how many other young girls have fallen for it ?

>.<.................?

[lynn P.]

I'm not disagreeing with anyone specifically and yes I agree most of the blame is on the married /attached person - in this case a man. But I still think a great deal of responsibility lies on the person he's cheating with. Why would a single person want to deeply wound another person like this - for what - an exciting roll in bed...the wifes bed or where ever it happened. I've rejected married men before and it irks me to death when a married or attached male comes on to me. Sorry I'll step off my soap box now -since I've been electrifiably(not a real word lol) triggered by this.

Just spoke to hubby about this and had a sort of debate with him...

He has changed my mind.

He asked me a question.

If one of my female friends hit on hubby and they ended up sleeping with each other would I still be friends with my female friend after I was divorced because of what happened.

No I wouldnt ...

[einundzwanzig]

He wasn't in class on Friday... maybe he'll be there tomorrow. Hope not lol. Honestly, I'm nervous for tomorrow because I don't really know what to say to him. Luckly finals are almost here, so I won't have to see much of him anymore, even though part of me will miss that.

21

[Malachite]

Dear EinUndZwanzig,

You asked not to be judged; yet you were. You were judged by all sixteen respondents, in most cases rather harshly! The most benevolent position was, you made a mistake; you need to move on. I think, maybe, harshest of all, was your own assessment of what transpired.

The man you love, as well as any future you may have with him, was condemned. He was judged a philanderer, because he had a single extramarital sexual encounter. The primary theme of the respondents was, what transpired was absolutely wrong, not prima facie wrong, i.e., there could be no mitigating circumstances.

The reality of marriage is, when you don’t take care of your spouse, he or she will stray. You don’t get to keep them by contract alone. Many marriages are form without substance. They are stagnant! A third party, very often, is just what is needed to reaffirm the marriage or end the misery.

I recommend, you pursue your heart. Yes, pursue this man, take the great risk of making yourself vulnerable. Maybe, he will return to Germany with you. Maybe, you will stay here with him. Maybe, he will realize how much he loves his wife, and become a better husband than ever. If he chooses you over his wife, she is better off without him. Then again, he could just be another philanderer, and you will be hurt.

I wish you the best,

Larry

Wow malachite, your advice could be the break up of a marriage ! If someone is not happy with the marriage they should leave not reach out to someone else on the rebound as that is not the basis for any relationship.

My hubby does not agree with me which worries me..

[AAAAA]

In my opinion there is a natural order to things, you end one relationship before you begin another.

I fall into the catagory that if there is blame to be had, it is on him. He is the one with a commitment to another. Further he had so little respect for his wife (or for you for that matter) that he brought another woman into HER home. That is a very bold move. I would be wondering how many other women he brought there before me. I hope you used protection.

I am not judging you in the least, if it were not you it would be someone else. He was looking for a warm body to scratch an itch. He sounds like he's an expert at this.

It makes me very sad that you may see this as something more. I'm sorry to burst your bubble, but this was sex, lust, nothing more. Making love is a completely different experience. It involves, well love for one thing, communication, commitment, respect amoung others.

You cannot change what is past. But remember this feeling. Use it. Reflect upon why you are willing to settle for someone that did even show you even basic courtesy. You deserve more than that.

[susan888]

You are only 21 years old! How old is this man?? This man with a wife (kids??).. Oh sweetie you did make a big mistake! Walk away....leave this alone. You already know it's not right... JMO....the greater sin is on his head....

[einundzwanzig]

I am feeling much better about this. I saw him today and we talked almost like nothing happened. It was wierd. Actually he asked me my opinion about world war II (me being from Germany) and it was almost like we never had sex. Strange. In fact I missed these kinds of times just chatting nothing more. But now since we did have sex it still feels wierd to me. As much I try to pretend it didn't happen, it did and I know it he knows it and I just move on. Which is what I plan to do.

I'm 22 and yes my screenname is 21 in German because that is my favorite number lol. and he is 35 and his wife is 40 and they don't have kids (that I know of) plus I saw a picture of her... she's pretty and I only wish the best for her and for him, as much I want to be with him (leave her and come to Germany with me etc.) I know she needs him more than i do. I've come to this because it's not worth it. Yes, I love him, yes I desire to make love to him and Yes I fantasize about him all the time, but thats it just fantasies, nothing more than that.

At this point, all I have to say to them is "Viel Glück"

Thanks to everyone for advice.

21

I really don't mean to critisise.I am a human walking on the same firm earth...I have fallen to the depths of mistakes that a human is capable of.I am "the chief sinner"...as it were.I realise you are young...and were raised in a different era...and that your peers...(I imagine) have different interpretations of love,relationship,and sex.......That all being said..you mentioned shame in your initial post:yet...my interpretation ...personally was not a shameful heart.You mentioned the term "love"....again...I do not intend to criticize.....Love in fact means a variety of things to many people.Personally...for me...it means ...sacrifice....endurance....desire to share your heart....time...feelings...trust...body...good / bad times.....treasuring a person whilst they are of lowly disposition as well as elevated...and a tremendous amount of other things.I dare say that what developed between the two of you was an enticing fascination,both mentally/physically....a very heated risk opportunity....and undoubtably will become a very transient semi-lingering affair.I would severely doubt you were the first to be lured to his bed...or the last.I have no issue with intimate relationships which playfully explore any and all aspects of sexual format.What I find disturbing,is the fact...you knew he was married...went to his house...lay in his wifes bed....and shared your self there...under those circumstances.12/1...it was "love"....12/6...you are "moving on".Still not judging.I give you my word.I think it'd be healthy for you to step back and dissect this situation...and the thought process you walked through in regards to this entire situation.On the very exact day of your initial post you further stated ..."the relationship thing is not for me"...those particular thoughts were felt and subsequently transcribed to posting in a matter of (3) hours ...no less.You made the statement that you felt disgusting afterwards.Why?....What part disgusts you?I dont understand that.Cause if you're gunna do somethin like bed a man...do it to the hilt...knowing it was well thought out...deeply desired and mattered ...is that what was lacking?That is sounding like an extreme impulsivity impairment on your part.I personally have been married since 1989.I worshipped the ground this man walked on.Waited on him hand and foot.Wrote him poems...took excellent care of him when he arrived from work (not always)...never even "thought" to need another man.Til' Recently I had some emotional/mental issues.I was soothed and comforted by a person.I reveled in it.I awoke to truths I had stuffed for years.Began uncovering things I hid from me even knowing.What he'd done to me...to my kids...whatever.Different complexity entirely.I spent 21 years being the thread that held the fragile fabric of my marriage together...and my pastors daughter 'while I was on a respirator' came to him and decided to share herself with him,while I was in a coma.I tell you this cause....if his wife beckoned you in...or was ok with it fine...or if the desires you embraced occurred over a deeper span of time...and your love was terrifyingly deep and you fell...ok My point is...examine..the why...the sharp shift of your thoughts and the aftermath of it all in your heart/mind.Figure what you'd do different,and why.I realise ...for me...that devotion,"lifelong" and "full acceptance" from someone is mythical.Being the affectionate caretaker that I am leaves an empty place in my life I hope I dont fill with the wrong person and I too must step back and examine my stance.I am in the process of divorce atm...and am on shaky ground.Never been alone.Never wanna be.I was meant to share everything with another human.I wish us both to be fulfilled in our journey....((((Ein))))

[Moose72]

I'm 38 and have dated a bit. (was married and had kids too). What I see here us a man that thought you're a hottie and acted like a man will. He used you. What's more, he acted like it never happened- cutting you off! He's clearly saying he doesn't want any more than you had. He found a hottie, had sex and now is all but giving you the cold shoulder. Even if he started a relationship wuth you, he's a cheater and would cheat on you too.

[AAAAA]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I'm 38 and have dated a bit. (was married and had kids too). What I see here us a man that thought you're a hottie and acted like a man will. He used you. What's more, he acted like it never happened- cutting you off! He's clearly saying he doesn't want any more than you had. He found a hottie, had sex and now is all but giving you the cold shoulder. Even if he started a relationship wuth you, he's a cheater and would cheat on you too.

I do take a bit of exception to that statement. There still are men and women that take their marriage vows seriously. I get annoyed when people imply that because of their testosterone they are somehow unable to control their urges. I'm sure that is not what you meant. But in my opinion it is a character flaw, not a characteristic of the male gender.