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#1
Apr 23, 2013, 10:46 PM
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I am currently in a relationship with my bf, and while we are trying to understand each other's needs, I feel sometimes offended when men say they require sex.
In my head, I start picturing the centuries of women abuse, women tolerance and over-submission encouragement, etc. While I realize he isn't trying to be that way, I cannot help how difficult it is for me to accept it sometimes. (He decided to "see how you feel about it" if he doesn't talk/provide "emotional" connection for 3 days---he is out of country atm, so were talking via text and skype). I am trying to tell him, and sometimes I'm not sure if it's just me, or if most young women have a deep fear that if, she was told how men "need" sex for intimacy and feeling appreciated. He says it is not fair that I get all my needs met, and not his. (since women can also connect with one another, but men cannot connect their way with anyone?). Does anyone else have a tough time? I realize I have insecurities---I havent had good relationships with every adult male that has lived in the house since I was a child. My father and I got along ,but there was a point I resented or lost some part of me, and the other men were my controlling uncle, and my mother's ex boyfriend who was able to switch from nice to abusive. He keeps saying he's trying to stare at me and not at other women, so he wants me to be more open to some things than I'm comfortable with at times. We got over something the other day and I was happy, but I guess when he wanted to see me naked on webcam (so he doesnt look at pron, apparently), I got offended saying people can hack cameras, and I don't feel right. I have this deep fear he would cheat on me, even if he reminds me he wants a long term commitment, and he's not the kind that hides what he wants or thinks behind my back. My other flaw is I tend to put up rebellious walls...I guess it's that "hype" you get when you are emotionally reacting---or my social fear of "Oh no, they noticed I gave in to not being able to talk for 3 days, now Im weak"---or "that person has noticed that I changed, I cannot stand out"----which stunts my growth to become a better person  .He is usually quite positive, and I'm of OCD, anxiety and well, I get depression too...I feel so bad for how I am, and he wants to help me---but I need to know how to control my emotional impulses to something a man says. I can handle not talking to him for 3 days (Im not feeling too good, and I got other tasks to work with---although, I always worry, worry and worry---"What if"---"what if he doesnt talk to me for longer than 3 days? ..."what if hes hanging out with that girl nxt door to his familys house, who are apparently childhood friends?...did I push this on myself? will I lose him?"
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 Anonymous33145, Bill3, shezbut
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#2
Apr 24, 2013, 06:38 AM
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Are you saying that he has decided not to talk to you for 3 days as retaliation for your not "providing" him sex??? Is that what he's doing?
I'm not sure I understand your post. But if that IS what he's doing, it's childish, and it's abusive! My ex used to pull stuff like that, only he'd do it much longer than 3 days.  So evidently he feels he provides ALL your emotional needs? Hmmm, for some reason I'm not quite believing that from what you say. And you should NOT have to appear naked on webcam! I'm not even sure that's legal!!!  Perhaps counseling would help both of you. He seems to have some unrealistic expectations. See what a counselor says and maybe you two can come to some sort of agreement on things. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee 
__________________
The truth shall set you free but first it will make you miserable..........................................Garfield |
 H3rmit, NWgirl2013, Odee, RomanSunburn, shezbut
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#3
Apr 24, 2013, 07:21 AM
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He is one manipulative so and so.
All his needs met? You mean to say that you getting emotional support from g/f's is the same as him getting emotional support between your legs? Oh dear me. You are absolutely right to think of the way women were treated in the past, because he's doing his own version of bad treatment now. Withdrawing communication for three days is trying to manipulate you, to punish you, to make you feel bad - and make you do what he wants in the future. If I were in your shoes, I would do it back, and not talk to him after the three days either. How dare he treat you this way? I am not going to mention the emotional blackmail over the webcam, or the comment of looking at other women. He needs to reassess how he treats you, and you need to think too about if you are willing to be treated this way. He's not a nice man at the moment, sorry. |
| Bill3, H3rmit, NWgirl2013, RomanSunburn, shezbut
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#4
Apr 24, 2013, 01:51 PM
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There was no cause for being offended. He is not at fault for the lack of data security on the internet. Your feeling not right was justified, because you can feel "not right" whenever for any reason without cause - I personally do not understand why you felt not right and what your concern was - if the concern was privacy, you could have shown him body parts and not your face, but at any rate, you are free to feel "not right" in an idiosyncratic way. "Offended" is different: of·fend (-fnd) v. of·fend·ed, of·fend·ing, of·fends v.tr. 1. To cause displeasure, anger, resentment, or wounded feelings in. In other words, by being offended you hinted at his having caused your feeling not right, and he did not do anything wrong. So I would write a nice note to him, saying that you would love to share naked pictures with him but would not, purely out of fear of hackers. All the other stuff about emotional blackmail, the talk about "needs" etc. is bad, but this isolated incident, alone and by itself, was OK - he did not do anything wrong. Except that asking for naked pictures in order to not look at porn was very lame - he should have been asking for your naked pictures out of pure enthusiasm for seeing them. On a more practical note, if he ever asks for naked pictures adding that he wants to see them in order not to look at porn, tell him to go look at porn. This way you would nip his chain of manipulating you in the bud - if you say that he should look at porn to his heart's content, you would remove the button in you that he is trying to push. Another remedy is to leave him altogether. |
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#5
Apr 24, 2013, 02:13 PM
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Nobody really wants to "meet somebody's requirements". If he "requires" sex, he should seek paid sex services, sex toys whose specs fit his particular requirements, porn, or whatever - he should not place "requirements" on you. Instead, he should "want" and "desire" you and "long for" you and have "passion" for you and be "wild" about you and "miss" you when away etc. If he is unable to do that, you should discard him because there is no point in continuing. I would go on to say that a man who needs counseling in order to stop talking about requiring sex and start talking the normal human language of passion is not worth the money spent on counseling and not worth your time. |
| NWgirl2013, unaluna
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#6
Apr 24, 2013, 02:28 PM
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And what did you want from him when you decided that he should be your bf instead of remaining "just friends"? |
| unaluna
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#7
Apr 24, 2013, 02:35 PM
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A a matter of fact - vast numbers of people these days appear naked on webcam/Skype/Google video chat etc. If you appear naked without showing your face, there should not be a problem. Nudity is not a social security number or a credit card number, so leaking nudity per se is inconsequential - at worst, somebody other than the intended recipient will get to enjoy looking at the nude pictures, which, by itself, should not cause harm. Some of the reported "unintended" leaks of nude materials by celebrities are usually publicity stunts and not true leaks - they are quite intended to get the attention of the public. Truly unintended leaks become problematic when the pictures enable somebody to identify you. If you have a nude picture with a face that matches your professional headshot on LinkedIn, that may very well cause a HUGE problem. So, a dark veil over your face and you are safe to go. Something like this however does not appear sufficiently covering: The Black Veil: Rick Moody: 9780316739016: Amazon.com: Books Back to whether AnxiousKitty SHOULD HAVE TO appear naked on webcam - of course she SHOULD NOT. She should not have to do anything. But lots of women find it fun. |
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#8
Apr 24, 2013, 02:36 PM
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If you don't mind my asking how old are you AnxiousKitty?
I think you have not had enough time to figure "you" out. It sounds like you had too many "bossy controlling men" around you in your life. You absolutely are not on this planet to be at the beckon call of some man who just decides "he needs regular sex to keep "him" happy". And to ask you to send nude pictures of yourself where these pictures can someday be made more public? Absolutely "not", you deserve to have boundaries too. I don't think you are borrowing centuries of pain either. You feel what you feel, and if you feel you are being pushed where you don't want to go, you have the right to say "no". Some women might have "fun" exposing themselves on our latest technology, but that doesn't "ever" mean you should "ever" have to be like them. OE |
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#9
Apr 24, 2013, 02:54 PM
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He should not be TRYING to stare at you. He should be STARING at you. STARING at you should not feel like WORK to him. In order to TRY to do something, that something should be like WORK. If staring at you is like work to him, he is hopeless. I have never heard anybody mention that her boyfriend was TRYING to stare at her. I agree with Open Eyes that with your record go having bossy controlling men in your life prior to this treasure of a guy, you were uniquely unlucky to start a relationship with him, because... well. So just discard him - you are too young and too early into this particular relationship to feel that you might want to waste (spend...) some time and money on fixing the situation with HIM. It is much easier to move on - there are lots of men available. Plus, as Lee pointed out, based on your writing that "(He decided to "see how you feel about it" if he doesn't talk/provide "emotional" connection for 3 days). " he appears to believe in retaliation. This is really bad and it is bad on a deep level - a few sessions in counseling would not remove that flaw from him. If it is not retaliation, then it is some sort of very crude behavioristic approach to dating - he is trying to give you consequences. He also abuses the psychobabble language by talking about emotional needs and all of that stuff. Finally, he engages in baseless gender stereotyping that makes it appear that women have emotional needs and men have sexual needs, which is wrong. Finally, "emotional" and "sexual" are to some extent inextricable in RL. All of those problems are his. The only problem that appears to be yours and that you can try to fix is that you acquiesce in his gender stereotyping and even contribute some of your own. Hopefully, you will eventually move away from it, but you can move away from it on your own for your own benefit, without staying with the guy being discussed here. You may also benefit from INDIVIDUAL counseling - since you have had a succession of controlling male figures and then you happened on this gem, you may have some issues that are fixable via individual therapy. |
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#10
Apr 24, 2013, 09:12 PM
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1) You have a very biased view of the world history. You need to read about women who were powerful and highly sexually active, on their own volition and not through being submissive. Some of the most obvious characters that come to mind: Cleopatra - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia "Elizabeth is satisfied that reckless, passionate Mary's romantic misadventures will keep her busy in Scotland and give shrewd, practical Elizabeth less to worry about." - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary,_Queen_of_Scots_(film) - for a list of historical liberties, see the end of the article Also, from your HS curriculum, Romeo and Juliet - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 2) You are probably too young and your sexual drive and abilities have not had a chance to develop, so you mistake the current situation with the situation that you would be in forever. Women are not less sexual than men, and to the extent that your can "quantify" sexuality (you really cannot, but let us pretend you could), some of them are more sexual, because women - many of them - can have one orgasm after another after another, but men have what is called a "refractory period" - they need to wait. This is a huge oversimplification, but I am oversimplifying on purpose, to counteract your oversimplification. The thing is, male sexuality is mandatory for the perpetuation of the species and female sexuality is optional, so it has been neglected over many centuries in many countries (not all). Female genital mutilation (FGM) is the epitome of suppressing female sexuality. But the point is - female sexuality exists. The reason it has been suppressed is because it exists. If women did not want sex, there would be no need for suppressing their sexual needs and the horrible custom of FGM would never have developed. You personally might not have yet discovered yourself, sexually, and that is totally OK and the process will take you years. 3) Quote:
That said... your current bf is not the kind of person you would want to connect with, be it via technology or in person. To the extent that you are sexually inexperienced and he is - more or less - it was his responsibility to make you at least somewhat excited about sexuality, and he failed that responsibility quite miserably. What he needed to do was to worship your body so that you would want to be (safely) playful on camera or playful in the bedroom, and instead he made it your duty to be naked on camera (that is what you said - may I assume that he also tried to make it your duty to do things in the bedroom?). Nobody wants to be naked out of duty. Nobody your age should do anything out of duty in a relationship - relationships should be fun. So he should have made you excited and he failed, and moreover he tried to get sex of you manipulating you which was stupid and lame - besides, it was wrong, but the point for you was that it was stupid and lame. So he is basically a loser and an idiot. He is impolite, sexually. Assuming you wrote what you wrote in the OP because you do not derive pleasure from sex yourself, a normal, polite, NICE male would develop some healthy anxiety over being unable to light your sexual fire. Instead, he tried to responsibilize you. This is impolite, and, again, lame, stupid, rude, and egocentric. He is also very boring. The talk about having his needs met is extremely boring. Why would you want to stay with a person who is so boring?? You can check out a textbook from your library instead - a textbook would be equally boring but would not demand that you perform sexual acts for it. You get nothing positive out of the relationship, it does not benefit you in any way, and yet you suffer from fearing that he would go with another girl. So why are you staying in a relationship without any benefit at all and with high costs?? Why? No point. So discard him, do not get into any new relationships with males for a while and just stay happy and meet your emotional needs outside of a male/female relationship. 4) Quote:
It sure sounds like it!! To the extent that you might be uncomfortable with your body - and you should not be, but you might be - try at least walking naked in the privacy of your apartment - if you live in a dorm, it is not possible, but if you rent your place, it is. Also try non-sexual exposure to nudity - just go to public pools (swimming is always a good idea, too, for health and relaxation) and observe real bodies of real women, naked, and be comfortable being naked yourself, in a non-sexual, non-erotic way. Maybe watch some tasteful European erotica, masturbate if you can without trying to please anybody or perform for anybody - just explore your body for your own pleasure. If you have enough privacy, go in front of a mirror in private and touch your body lovingly, looking at it in the mirror. Eventually, get together with someone who would worship you and not talk about "meeting his needs". Blech! Good luck. Last edited by hamster-bamster; Apr 24, 2013 at 09:51 PM. |
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#11
Apr 24, 2013, 10:00 PM
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#12
Apr 25, 2013, 01:34 AM
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Can you please explain what you mean? I'm unsure how to read your response... |
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#13
Apr 25, 2013, 03:06 AM
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Okay. My mom told me that I am part Native American. I had no way of knowing that on my own and it didn't play a part of my experience growing up. It wasn't something personal to me. Suppose I found myself starting to imagine smallpox blankets, land deals for cheap beads, alcohol addiction, broken treaties, and the suppression of local language and culture. Suppose that I did this to the point where it was beginning to affect the way I see people in my life, especially those closest to me. It is beginning to affect my personal relationships. I start to see their behavior as just another piece of centuries of abuse. This is clearly having an impact on my own quality of life at this point. Maybe someone comes along and reminds me that I didn't always feel this way. There was a time before I took on all those other people's pain and I can let it go.
Or maybe you mean the second part. If I were to choose the defining quality of a bf/gf relationship it would be sexual tension. It is not a "just friends" situation. It also tends to be exclusive; in this case it means that the bf doesn't get to be sexual with other women. I was asking, when you made him your bf instead of keeping him as "just a friend", what did you expect? What did you want? Why did you choose to make it a deeper, more exclusive relationship? And I was asking the original poster, of course. |
| hamster-bamster, RomanSunburn
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#14
Apr 25, 2013, 04:43 AM
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The only thing that bothers me about his behaviour and communication with you is that he's asked you to appear naked on a webcam.
This is not necessary enough to be worth the risk. Who knows if he's recording or later uploading it? I would search your bedrooms for hidden cameras, but maybe that's just me. I can see his point about you getting your emotional needs met with your friends, because men generally don't have this kind of outlet with anyone but a therapist. And sex is important to help us feel close and accepted by others, but it's that way for women too. |
| H3rmit
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#15
Apr 25, 2013, 09:41 AM
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Thank you very much for responding! I was curious about both parts. I appreciate your insight about the first half. I think I'm currently struggling with something similar, but in regards to being a woman and the tension between a career, marriage, and motherhood that has been going on since the 1800's. But that's irrelevant to this thread. The second part had me a little upset at first. I agree that a defining factor of a relationship between boyfriend/girlfriend, husband/wife, same-sex couples, etc, is the sexual tension. But at the same time, there shouldn't be any guilt or manipulation involved. If he's so concerned about his own needs, he should take care of them himself until he's ready to actually respect her boundaries because clearly, he's not mature enough for a real, healthy relationship. Relationships do not mean your boundaries collapse and the other person, male or female, can do whatever they want with you. You are still individuals with individual rights and very realistic expectations of being respected and being able to say no and not feel guilty. When it comes to sex in relationships, if someone wants to go slower, that's their body and their right, and the other person should be respectful of the decision to wait. |
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#16
Apr 25, 2013, 12:57 PM
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First, hugs to you. My concern is that he's using sex as a manipulation tool. Men do not NEED sex... they WANT it. It's not like he is going to spontaneously combust if he goes without it for a while.
Maybe you should really examine your relationship... maybe even challenge him by asking what he likes about the relationship MINUS the sex. It is my hope that you guys have more to go on than that if you are looking for something long term. If your relationship happens to be defined by sex and you both agree that works, more power to you. Don't feel guilty about not wanting to do the naked web cam thing either. We all have different comfort levels with things like that, and if he can't understand that, maybe you should suggest porn or even watch it together. I dunno.... the relationship just seems one sided from your post. |
| shezbut
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#17
Apr 25, 2013, 02:38 PM
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Quote:
At the same time Quote:
All of that seems completely irrational. |
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#18
Apr 25, 2013, 03:36 PM
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'o.O Something about that seems off to me. Personally, I don't think I "require" sex, like, on a regular basis, at a given time - lets get a timetable set up and make sure my needs are met - sort of thing. To be quite honest with you, sometimes, sexual stuff to me is a take it or leave it thing.. why in the hell would I want to do that with a woman who doesn't want to do that with me? That's not sexy; that's depressing. I think some guys need to get off their high horse and consider that they aren't the only ones in a relationship. Conversely, I can - sort of - understand the whole thing with your needs being met and not his, even though it sounds horrible to me, but I don't think these needs are the same! Sex and chillaxing infront of a film are two entirely different things, in my opinion. Sounds like the guy is just trying to find an excuse, if you know what I mean. Maybe I've got it all wrong.
Anywho, best of luck.
__________________
{ Kein Teufel }
Translation: Not a devil [ `id -u` -eq 0 ] || exit 1 |
| ShaggyChic_1201, shezbut
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#19
Apr 25, 2013, 05:15 PM
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| RomanSunburn
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#20
Apr 25, 2013, 06:34 PM
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[QUOTE=hamster-bamster;3023834]You should not have become offended. You should have welcomed the idea in general, as a compliment, and acknowledged it in a positive way, but declined to participate based on the practical concern with the data security.
not so sure that being naked on a camera has only to do with practical concern of data security. How can you be 100 % sure he is alone on the other side? How can you be sure that he is not recording it, one way or another, and tomorrow you might find your video somewhere you never wanted it to be. This is not general concern on data security. This is specific concern on how honest / serious he would be with her video. I wouldn't do it for the world.There has been too much irresponsible use of what was given for 'private' use only. |
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#21
Apr 25, 2013, 07:23 PM
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#22
May 02, 2013, 03:21 PM
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Luckily, the same evening after I had went to bed, he said he had thought about what he did/said and told me it wasn't so right of him.
Apparently he's sexually frustrated being across the sea and felt I was rejecting his needs. We are both of religion that states no sex before marriage, so I tend to remind him once in awhile so at least I know I'm not the only one aware of our actions contradicting ourselves. I hear its sadly quite common for young people in spiritual backgrounds to fall down easy because of society's over-exposure to violence and sexual materials (it's bad levels for anyone of any age...). We still have things to work on, and I try to tell him when something bothers me....he also agreed not to show up naked online. (honestly, I prefer the feeling of anticipating things one hasn't seen or had for a period of time...but maybe that's a women thing more? we are more patient?). The hardest part for me of course, is sharing my OCD. I realize he wants to help me in general, however, those here with OCD know how hard or awkward some thoughts are to share----its best to keep them between the person and a therapist, instead of scaring off family and friends and our partner. However, I realize most girls complain about their man staring at other women, but I have to make him understand that sometimes it's just plain disrespectful...we all notice others, but commenting on and such isn't needed. Reality: Everyone is a bit insecure, so if a man denies it, he's probably wrong. |
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#23
May 02, 2013, 03:23 PM
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Well, I think 7 months of dating has still some room to grow trust. I am told it takes 1-2 years to really know a person.
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#24
May 02, 2013, 03:32 PM
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#25
May 02, 2013, 03:38 PM
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I think your basic error on the most general level is your being given to very broad generalizations and gender stereotyping. "we are more patient" kind of thing, "we" referring broadly to all of the women based on your single experience with the only guy you have been with (as normal per your age, but just noticing that you have no basis for your broad generalizations). None of it will help you in the long run. In the long run, you will be better off learning what you, as an individual human being, like, dislike, get excited about, get disgusted by, etc. Very few things are true about gender differences. One of the things that seems to be objectively true is that women score worse on tests of spatial intelligence (meaning, women on average - there are still some women with superb spatial intelligence). I can definitely relate to that and am extremely feminine in that particular regard. most gender stereotypes are not true and it would not help you in any way to think along the lines of gender stereotyping. |
| Reply |
This is an old thread. You probably should not post your reply to it, as the original poster is unlikely to see it.|
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