[Pinkie118]

My boyfriend and I live together an have for the last 8 months and have been together a year and a half. I would love to and have said this to him, have sex every day. He will sometimes choose sneaking off to the bathroom and masturbating to porn instead. It upsets me and I've let him know. I don't have a problem with masturbation in general, but if he does this it means it will e longer before we have sex again. I don't understand why porn and masturbation are preferable to me. He knows I'll even look at porn with him. I love him and don't want to break up, but it also sexually repulsed me when he does this. I'd like advice on how to get over this.

Please don't tell me things like just get over it or leave or anything negative. I've heard all that, I want to stay with him I just want a way to stop having this issue.

[bighands]

Originally Posted by Pinkie118

My boyfriend and I live together an have for the last 8 months and have been together a year and a half. I would love to and have said this to him, have sex every day. He will sometimes choose sneaking off to the bathroom and masturbating to porn instead. It upsets me and I've let him know. I don't have a problem with masturbation in general, but if he does this it means it will e longer before we have sex again. I don't understand why porn and masturbation are preferable to me. He knows I'll even look at porn with him. I love him and don't want to break up, but it also sexually repulsed me when he does this. I'd like advice on how to get over this.

Please don't tell me things like just get over it or leave or anything negative. I've heard all that, I want to stay with him I just want a way to stop having this issue.

Pinkie,

Discussion, understanding and compromise are the keys to every working relationship. Keep talking to him about it and telling him you'd prefer he didn't do it but if you really care for him it may not be the right issue to draw a line in the sand over. Try not to take it personally. Any habit is hard to break, especially sexual ones and he may have been practicing this for years and years before you came along. Eventually, if he cares about you, he'll come around and at least decrease the frequency he does it.

Patience and compromise are essential on both sides.

[Cranky Old Hermit]

Originally Posted by Pinkie118

I don't understand why porn and masturbation are preferable to me.

Have you asked him? If you are "repulsed" by his "sneaking off," you are developing resentment. You need to have an honest discussion and find out what he thinks and feels, not just tell him you're upset. I don't know how much he might change, but if you stay resentful, the relationship will not last.

[Pinkie118]

Thank you both for the advice/opinions. The one thing about our relationship is that we are both honest and will always communicate with each other about stuff that makes us upset or we feel needs to be addressed. So he knows how I feel and he explains what he thinks about it. Which on his side is that he gets urges or thinks about a certain thing and finds whatever sexual thing he was thinking in porn and masturbates to it. He says it's things I can't help him to orgasm to, for a very PG example Asian women and I happen to be a white woman, again it's a PG example. I say how I understand people are attracted to different things but you choose to be in a relationship with me and that I value sexual intimacy and it feels as though he's making a choice for the porn and masturbation. He'll then say how I want everything and nothing is good enough. It really ends up wig a circular argument with both of us giving solutions that the other can't agree with so I do want a solution we're just having a hard time finding one and I appreciate we can be open and discuss.

Thank you both again.

[hamster-bamster]

Since you said that you can look at porn (not everybody gets aroused by it, but if you do, then, more power to you), maybe try masturbating to porn on your own, many times a day, and see what rise you will get out of him with that.

Or, without porn, masturbate to your own fantasies.

At least it won't hurt.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Since you said that you can look at porn (not everybody gets aroused by it, but if you do, then, more power to you), maybe try masturbating to porn on your own, many times a day, and see what rise you will get out of him with that.

Or, without porn, masturbate to your own fantasies.

At least it won't hurt.

Look! Somebody has done that already:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/3039230-post19.html

I bet this would work far better than telling him about your feeling hurt. Far more direct and didactic.

If you go that route, tell us about how it goes, please.

[THE16THDOCTOR]

Porn repulses you? Or that he jerks off to porn rather than have sex more frequently repulses you? Maybe he masturbates bc it's a quick release rather than have sex. Its easier, you get horny take care of it in minutes. You both could do oral more or mutual masturbation. Talk to him. I'm sure there is something to do to easily make you two happy probably just a dry patch you know.

[Big Mama]

I watch porn and could care less if I get my "fix" from it. My sex drive is incredibly low. My H's is higher then mine, by far. But anyway we do have sex and it is good. But what I get from doing it alone is very different from what I get w/ my H. It is not that I like one over the other. It is more of a.... I like what I like and I want it now.

Think of going to the fridge when you want a slice of cake and you can have any kind you like when ever you want it. You can eat is quickly, lick your fingers, not use silverware or a plate, You can eat it slow or eat it fast. Just what ever kind you like and eat it any way that suits you. That is sex alone.

Think going to the fridge after 8:00 pm, after a hard days work, and some one has already chosen strawberry for you because they know that is your favorite. Then you can't just gobble it up and be as messy as you'd like, because it involves more than that. You have to eat some of the icing, take little bites, and use a fork.

Not that any of this is bad just doing what you want, when you want, the way you like it, because you like it that way today and a different way tomorrow doesn't make it wrong. And you want it all to yourself and not to share that is kinda how I feel it is. Sharing is not so bad, taking your time and enjoying is not so bad, but neither is alone. Sharing and being thoughtful of the person you are with is sweet and nice but so is alone.


Porn is just the sprinkles on top. Some folks love it, some folks don't.

[Emotionally Dead]

The Doctor has it right. This is a common issue, believe it or not. I have been in relationships where I had similar feelings. However, porn has never really been a big turn on for me, so normally its all fantasies. One thing about myself is I am the type of person who will do everything I can to please my partner, completely ignoring my own pleasure. It is a very tiring situation. So, sometimes a quick release is necessary. Or, in my case, I sometimes enjoy foreplay more than sex itself.

You have those types of people, and then you have the type of people who truly are addicted to porn. I would talk to him about it, and find out which type he is. If he has an addiction, he needs help. But if he is just looking for a quick release then try some other ways for you both to et pleasure. Such as foreplay as mentioned above. It can be a great help. Good luck.

[Pinkie118]

Thank you all for the advice.

As far as masturbating myself to porn or without, I can but to me it just isn't as good as sex. That's probably why I don't understand why he would choose one over the other. And he has said it wouldn't matter to him if I masturbated because he thinks that's sexy. To me it just isn't as fulfilling whether involving porn or not. We've talked about numerous solutions to make us both happy and one of us will always shoot down the others solution for various reasons.

And a for what repulsed me, it's not the porn it's the idea of choosing porn and masturbation over sex. It just makes me feel like I'm just not enough for him. Which when I'm not upset about this I know I am, this situation just makes me question it. Especially when I love doing all sorts of different things sexually. Some I go out of my way to do for him but I also enjoy all of them. There's almost nothing I can think of that I wouldn't at least try or be open minded about, and he knows that. That's why I'm still confused about why he would make tht choice when he can choose pretty much anything he wants. And or things I can't give him, I would be open to watching with him.

There's plenty of oral in our sex life as its something we both enjoy. I've even told him there are plenty of times where I don't orgasm but even just having sex will satisfy me and that sometimes it's sexy to me for that to happen, so he knows he doesn't always have to think of us having sex as him having to bunch a work to make sure I orgasm too.

[hamster-bamster]

pinkie,

So basically you have already tried or considered everything that has been suggested.

[hamster-bamster]

So apparently in your mind he is choosing something over you but in his mind he is not. Right?

[Pinkie118]

I feel like we have tried everything we could come up with to solve it so I was looking for outside advice, and you all have been very helpful.

Yeah, basically I feel like he's choosing that over sex because I have a high sex drive and his is lower so when he chooses that instead it means it will be longer before we havesex again. Believe me if this situation were different and I wasn't interested I'd be like yes please go do it yourself lol.

[liveforfish]

Do you feel rejected? I think I would if it were happening to me.
Maybe that's the problem, the feeling of rejection.

[Pinkie118]

There's definitely a feeling of rejection in it, especially because it isn't because I'm not willing. I'm willing and into most things. He'll say how he knows I'll do anything and try new things, but for some reason masturbating to porn is a choice he makes over sex even knowing we love the same things or that I'm always open to try something new.

I just don't get how that could be preferential over sex. Again if I had a lower sex drive or something if understand and this wouldn't be a problem. I'm sure I'd be a bit upset about the porn but it's more feeling like I'm put aside for it. Like sex should be between us when he wants and when it's convenient to him.

[Pinkie118]

We pretty much have tried the solutions we can agree on and have vetoed ones either of us have an issue with. That's why I'm looking for outside advice and you all have been wry helpful.

I do feel a bit of rejection over this as well as feeling like I'm not good enough, where I'm open to pretty much everything and have a high sex drive. Where his is lower for him to choose porn and masturbating makes me feel not good enough when I know I am and it hurts and is frustrating. In general I have no qualms about masturbating and porn, in this situation it's different.

[Maven]

If you're constantly wondering why you're "not enough for him," you don't get most men. Women tend to romanticize and think if they fulfill all the roles they think a man wants them to play--wife, lover, cook, housekeeper, "slut" (although I hate that word, I'm using it to express an idea of what some men want), etc.--and men still cheat or continue their usual habits. It isn't about you doing it with him. Sometimes people (men and women, including me) just want to masturbate and fantasize without someone interrupting the fantasy, making it harder to concentrate on, and maybe not getting as much enjoyment or the best orgasm from it.

Now, if the man has an Asian fetish, it might mean that he really wants an Asian girl, and you're great while you're there, but if he had a choice of a hot Asian woman or you, he would probably choose the Asian. My guy likes Asian women, so I get it. I'm not his type, really. Yet we've been together for going on 20 years. (It's complicated.)

You should work on your own insecurities, because that's the problem you're having. You want to be "everything" to a man, but you haven't found the man who considers you everything. I'm not telling you to leave, but you might have to accept him as he is.

[liveforfish]

I just don't get it. Seems selfish to me.

One question that crosses my mind is, does he think it's less work? I mean does sex seem like more work for him then a quick hand job? Sometimes guys want a quick release without all the fuss.

Would he object to you giving it without the sex part? Seems like a compromise on his part might help. Then you don't feel left out.

[Big Mama]

I am so sorry this is happening to you. I can's expalin to you why he does this. And I do understand that it does rob you of your time with him for sex because his needs have already been taken care of.

I wish I could explain it. I can't, but I do the same thing. I like what I like. I also like what me and my H do. He doesn't do it wrong, our sex life is good. I also also know when I go it alone it will delay when he gets it again. I am sorry. It is his body and he should not be able to tell me what to do w/ it. If he said no more solo sex unless it is w/ me or approved by me, is not fair. That sounds like what you are asking of him. It is his body and he doesn't need your OK to do for himself. I hate when My H asked when did I last do, how long has it been, I don't like to lie to him and it puts me in a terrible position. Do I lie to not get fussed at or do I tell the truth in the name of being honest and risk hurting his feelings and letting him down again.

Could it be, that solo is what one is accustomed to before a relationship and it is that self love that one misses. When I do it , it has nothing to do w./ my H. It is not against my H or to spite my H. At the moment it is about me. But it does affect the frequency w/ my H. I don't know what the happy medium is there. Sorry.

[siempre nada]

Originally Posted by Pinkie118

My boyfriend and I live together an have for the last 8 months and have been together a year and a half. I would love to and have said this to him, have sex every day. He will sometimes choose sneaking off to the bathroom and masturbating to porn instead. It upsets me and I've let him know. I don't have a problem with masturbation in general, but if he does this it means it will e longer before we have sex again. I don't understand why porn and masturbation are preferable to me. He knows I'll even look at porn with him. I love him and don't want to break up, but it also sexually repulsed me when he does this. I'd like advice on how to get over this.

Please don't tell me things like just get over it or leave or anything negative. I've heard all that, I want to stay with him I just want a way to stop having this issue.

You definitely need to address this with your bf and get to the bottom of this. But idk I'd imagine it would just be easier..a lot of the fun of masturbation is that its a very self involved experience. You please only yourself, the way you want to. But sex is less simple. You have to communicate with your partner and tell them what you want. Some people aren't good at communicating their desires so they take it into their own hands (literally lol) Plus he'd have to ensure you're satisfied which makes more work..

[Pinkie118]

Originally Posted by siempre nada

You definitely need to address this with your bf and get to the bottom of this. But idk I'd imagine it would just be easier..a lot of the fun of masturbation is that its a very self involved experience. You please only yourself, the way you want to. But sex is less simple. You have to communicate with your partner and tell them what you want. Some people aren't good at communicating their desires so they take it into their own hands (literally lol) Plus he'd have to ensure you're satisfied which makes more work..

We have talked about it multiple times. I wouldn't even call it arguing because it really is just an open discussion. The problem we run into is finding a happy medium which we've tried solutions and one of us always finds faults with a proposed solution.

The main issue comes down to this:
My side- I have a high sex drive, masturbating just doesn't accomplish the same level of satisfaction. It hurts my feelings that he would prefer to watch porn and masturbate instead of have sex, also important to say is 2 things on this, it isn't an all the time thing on his side and his sex drive is lower than mine. So to me it is confusing and frustrating that if his sex drive is lower and we have sex when he wants to, it means a longer time before sex if he chooses porn and masturbation. Do I realize that this comes off as selfish? Yes I do which is why I'm looking for a solution for us both to be satisfied.
His side- He says he chooses it sometimes because he gets an urge for something in porn I can't provide. I don't want to go into details and describe it, but it's things like multiple people or 2 girls, or a different race than I am. He knows I like a variety of things and am open to them, but he says these are things I can't help him orgasm too.
To me that just causes these feelings of not being good enough or questioning why it is he wants to be in a relationship with me. In my mind people get all kinds of urges which is human, and so is self control. If I indulged in every urge I had for a cupcake I'd probably be a big girl.

It isn't an issue I'd leave over because I love him and aside from this everything is great. That, and us talking about solutions we couldn't agree on, made me seek alternate advice. Which I think you all have been understanding and helpful.

Oh, and I couldn't masturbate him. It'd just turn into me wanting sex or my arm getting tired lol. Which is why we've talked about oral and such. It comes down to the fact that he wants to watch porn by himself an masturbate. That has to be it because we've even watched porn together. It just all gets confusing and hurtful.

In reality, I think it's going to have to come down to things staying the same. I can't help but feel hurt and have these feelings of not being good enough and apparently he has a need for what he does. We just have to deal with what the other is feeling/doing and focus on our mutual love and relationship.

[adam_k]

For me masturbation isn't nearly the same. Masturbation is the 3 day old left overs, and sex is the steak and lobsters.

I think he may border on porn addiction, especially if he sneaks of to watch porn and masturbate instead of having sex. Maybe if you could resist the urge to watch porn for a while it will give his head a chance to reset. Our brains are the largest sex organs.

I've been in a relationship for 8 years and sex drives for me and my wife go up and down. Stress and relationship issues don't improve it either. Me and my wife used to have sex everyday when we first met. After a certain point you have sex with someone so many times, and do so much stuff you run out of things to make it new and interesting. It is difficult to keep the excitement going. We have sex 2 or 3 times a week and that works for us.

Maybe instead of sex everyday he could please you with other stuff. Oral sex, fingering etc. They also sell kits that you can clone his penis if that sounds interesting. I think finding some middle ground may be helpful. Sexual frustration can bleed over to the rest of the relationship and cause problems. I hope you find answers to your problem.

[Big Mama]

Adam is correct in a lot he has to say. Masturbation is the steak and lobster for me and sex is the 3 day left overs, left overs are good but not like the real deal. That is coming from the person who prefers alone to w/ another person.

He may not be hiding it from you for the reasons you think. He may now feel pressure to keep it from you because he knows you do not like that he does it. It' s like a dieter hiding in the bathroom and eating a candy bar. That person doesn't want to be blamed and scolded for when caught. But to do it openly is asking for trouble for sure. Have you ever noticed when you diet you want what you can't have so much worse. When you are not dieting you have the ability to not be so out of control and obsessed. (That is how it is for me anyway) What if it were OK for him to do this. Do you think the newness of it being ok would wear off. At least the frequency would lower.

[hamster-bamster]

You would not be a big girl if you indulged every time you wanted a cupcake. Instead, you wwould soon grow bored and tired of cupcakes.

That, in theory. Since I hate cupcakes, I cannot say that it works with cupcakes in practice. But it works with everything else.

[Maven]

How can anyone not like cupcakes??? They're...CAKE! And frosting! And sometimes filling!