![]() |
FAQ/Help |
Calendar |
Search |
#1
|
|||
|
|||
Since I'm new here I'll explain a little about my situation. I've always been celibate and without some sort of sex therapy (if that's even still around) I'm pretty sure I'll always be celibate. Some other important things to note: I'm not doing this for religious reasons, I don't have any physical sexual disfunction (I get aroused and orgasm way to easily to be honest), and I don't think there's any problem with trauma (although someone did mess with me and made me touch them and stuff) but compared to what has happened to anyone else, it barely registers as "sexual assault". I just honestly think that sex and sexual thoughts are wrong. It's hard to explain, but just for some perspective...I feel a lot better about having homicidal thoughts than I do sexual ones.
But with all that in mind, I have some questions if anyone can answer: How do you mentally go about being permanently celibate? I mean, I constantly think about sex/relationships etc... How can you ever be emotionally intimate with someone if you're never in a relationship? Is there a way to stop the need to masturbate too? Is it even ok to do that? I mean, it gets painful at times if I keep avoiding it. But it usually makes my sex drive higher rather than lower. Are there any ways to actually lower your sex drive? How do you avoid seeing other couples, or sex-related things on TV without staying in your room your whole life. (Note that seeing people kiss disturbs me...although I do admittedly watch porn and it bothers me in a completely different way). What do you tell people when they ask you why you don't date and why no one likes you enough to ask you on a date? Does it get easier or harder as you get older realizing you'll never have sex? Never be touched? Never be kissed (well again anyway, I kissed someone 9 years ago)? Never be married? Never love anyone or be loved? I'm just wondering if anybody has experience with being celibate and how you cope with it. |
![]() falsememory7, Mike_J, Silent_Tears_17, Webgoji
|
#2
|
|||
|
|||
I can't figure out how to edit a post, so I'll just reply...it's not like I have no sexual desire (even though my sex drive gets lower and lower the older I get), I even fantasize about having sex, but to imagine doing it for real makes me want to puke. That and I want to have emotional intimacy so I need to want to have sex or I'm going to be very miserable. And/or the other person involved will be.
Is there any therapy for this or is it good that my sex drive is disappearing (so eventually I won't care at all if I'm completely celibate). |
![]() falsememory7, Silent_Tears_17
|
#3
|
||||
|
||||
I'm a bit confused. Don't understand why you are opposed to sex, sexual thoughts, relationship or not?
So don't really know how to answer. Pretty sure there are still sex therapist around, google it. Other thing is to consider seeing a therapist for any underling issues you may not realize are influencing your thoughts & decisions. Wish you the best. ![]() |
![]() Silent_Tears_17
|
#4
|
|||
|
|||
I don't know why I'm so opposed to it either, that's why I'm confused. I've tried talk therapy, but it's always made me feel worse, not better. I thought sex therapists were under the radar and mostly on the coasts because some people think it's a step away from prostitution.
|
![]() Silent_Tears_17
|
#5
|
||||
|
||||
Don't know how old you are but one can go thru several therapist before finding the right fit.
So, don't give up. No need to suffer obsessing about this. BTW sex therapist, the legit one's, don't touch you & you both keep your clothes on!! It's talk therapy. Some T's delve back into your childhood or start there to help you. Some T's help you learn coping skills to deal with current issues. Just depends on what they feel your need is based on what you tell them. Sex, under the right circumstances, is a natural, wonderful experience. Hope you find a T you can relate to & keep posting. Take care. ![]() |
![]() Silent_Tears_17
|
![]() Silent_Tears_17
|
#6
|
||||
|
||||
Meant to mention, about therapy, sometimes you have to deal with things that do make you feel worse or uncomfortable as you work thru issues.
It's the "learning how to process these issues" that's real work but will help you understand why you feel a certain way. Then make changes or learn coping skills or both. Also therapy is not a quick fix, it takes time. |
![]() Silent_Tears_17
|
![]() costello
|
#7
|
||||||||
|
||||||||
Quote:
I think you're asking the wrong question. Instead of asking, 'How can I adjust to a lifetime of depriving myself?', see if you can figure out why you find sex so disgusting and disturbing. I agree with kindachaotic. You can find a therapist to work with this on. Quote:
![]() Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
![]() Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
![]()
__________________
"Hear me, my Chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."--Chief Joseph |
#8
|
||||||||
|
||||||||
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
|
#9
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
Quote:
And how does talk therapy help with something that's physical? I get over things by doing. I figured those sorts of therapists weren't really around anymore. |
#10
|
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
I think a sex drive is like the need for food or air or water or companionship. You can control when and what you eat, but you don't stop eating altogether. You can train yourself to hold your breath for longer, but you'll never be able to stop breathing completely. We have drives and appetites that we have to control in certain ways if we're going to get along in polite company. But having the drive is neither good nor bad. And finding an appropriate way of taking care of it doesn't make you a bad person. Quote:
![]() Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
![]() There are a lot of ugly people in loving relationships. And unpleasant people. And humorless people. And stupid people. And lazy people. You don't have to be perfect to find love. Somewhere in this big world is someone for you. It sounds like you actually have two problems: sex seems disgusting to you and your self-esteem is low.
__________________
"Hear me, my Chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."--Chief Joseph |
#11
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
I'm confused as to why you are disgusted by the idea of sex yet watch porn. There seems to be a big disconnect with that. If you masturbate and watch porn, what exactly is it about the idea of sex that bothers you? Is it the act of having sex with another person? Perhaps it's not an issue with sex but with intimacy, romantic intimacy in particular. I'm not a therapist, but I'd say a good, reputable therapist is what you need.
__________________
"If you're having trouble paying attention, concentrate harder!" - Dad "Depressed? Just knock it off." - Dad "That's crazy. Stop it!" - Bob Newhart |
#12
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
[/QUOTE] Talking is doing. And then presumably the outcome of the talking/thinking/planning/analyzing/etc. is some action you can take outside of therapy. [/QUOTE] I meant doing as in engaging in physical activities such as kissing etc. Talking isn't going to help it happen...I don't really understand how it would. I used to be terrified of driving. I didn't get over that by talking about it. I got over it by someone strongly encouraging me to do it and tons of experience before I became essentially fearless. [/QUOTE] What do you mean 'put up with'? If you're friends, it's give and take, right? They listen to you; you listen to them.[/QUOTE] No, even if I offer, they don't take. So all they did was give. And because of that I stopped talking to people as I was tired of hearing that someone wanted to punch me in the face for example. I'm just not friendship material, even when I try. So I don't bother talking to anyone about anything personal. [/QUOTE] A lot of people probably feel that way. They've been taught it's wrong. I personally don't agree. That probably doesn't help much, though? [/QUOTE] I was never taught it was wrong...just from my earliest formation of "sexual" thought I knew it was wrong. And sex ed made me feel bad about masturbation. I don't remember why though. I think because I didn't understand what I was doing or why it felt the way it did until someone explained it. [/QUOTE] I think a sex drive is like the need for food or air or water or companionship. You can control when and what you eat, but you don't stop eating altogether. You can train yourself to hold your breath for longer, but you'll never be able to stop breathing completely. We have drives and appetites that we have to control in certain ways if we're going to get along in polite company. But having the drive is neither good nor bad. And finding an appropriate way of taking care of it doesn't make you a bad person. [/QUOTE] I guess I just don't know what really is truly "appropriate". It all seems highly inappropriate. [/QUOTE] I doubt they're hoping to rub it in anyone's face. ![]() [/QUOTE] Probably not, but it sure feels that way. [/QUOTE] You might be if you want to be. [/QUOTE] Wanting it doesn't make it happen. Things that I can control by myself, yes. But this involves another person and I can't do anything to control what they do, know matter how much I want to. [/QUOTE] What did you tell them? [/QUOTE] Either that I don't like guys or they don't like me. Which is pretty much true. [/QUOTE] Which physical stuff? Masturbation? [/QUOTE] No, sex with another person. Pretty much any aspect of that. [/QUOTE] Well, look around you. Are all the people in relationships good looking and personable? My mom was 30 when she got married. And my dad was almost 33. She told me once that she complained to her mother because all of her friends were getting married and she wasn't. Her mom asked her if she'd want any of the guys her friends were marrying. She thought about it and realized she wouldn't. ![]() There are a lot of ugly people in loving relationships. And unpleasant people. And humorless people. And stupid people. And lazy people. You don't have to be perfect to find love. Somewhere in this big world is someone for you. It sounds like you actually have two problems: sex seems disgusting to you and your self-esteem is low.[/QUOTE] How do we know if any of these people are happy and/or whether they just married the first person willing to put up with them? That's basically what happened to my parents. I'm not even sure who I'm supposed to be pursuing. I used to really want to know my sexual orientation, now I don't. Because either way it ends up badly in the end. |
#13
|
||||||||||
|
||||||||||
Quote:
One person's yuck is another person's yum. ![]() Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
Quote:
![]() You have the right to set boundaries. People who ask you why you don't have a sweetheart are stepping over those boundaries - especially as this is a painful area for you. When you set a firm boundary, you let the other person know they need to respect you. And you send a powerful message to your subconscience that you're worthy of respect. That's a first step toward liking yourself better. Quote:
Quote:
![]() I would suggest you start by working on liking yourself.
__________________
"Hear me, my Chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."--Chief Joseph |
![]() pachyderm
|
#14
|
||||
|
||||
i'm 42 and apart from my abusers which stopped at 19 i have not had sex with anyone, even my late partner of 10 years. he respected my feelings and was happy with me as i was that sex did not matter to him either. like you i still get aroused and orgasm but alone, the thought of a mans bare bits going anywhere near me freeks me out. i have to really get to know a man before i even allow a peck om the cheek. i am not interested in girls that way either, just happy with life without sex, so many friends have seperated because of ill matched sex drives or affairs that i am glad to be out of all that.
sex is a personal choice , just like nudism or religion, it is your right to chose and feel however you wish about it, don't let the majority sway your views it is your body after all not theirs. |
![]() costello
|
![]() costello
|
#15
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
I really have no idea where my boundaries are supposed to be sometimes...there's really only one person who asks repeatedly and he's given up on me ever finding anyone...oh, excuse me, I meant finding a GUY. It's hard to find any guys I'm attracted to at all, let alone one I'm truly physically attracted to. Quote:
And the only person I've ever really gotten close to and knew for a long period of time told me that if I ended up being gay, then I should be celibate. So there you go. |
![]() costello
|
#16
|
||||
|
||||
So you're interested in girls...then give it a go. Nothing wrong with testing the waters.
No matter what your friend says. If your soulmate ends up being female be thankful you found each other. IDK check out some online sites, see how comfortable you are in that setting. I don't mean porn sites, some of the chat ones. Just be safe. Take care & keep posting. ![]() |
#17
|
|||
|
|||
So you want to lower your sex drive AND you are on a mental health website which makes me conclude that you have a mental illness. Well, there are lots of psychiatric medications whose SSE's (sexual side effects) include driving the libido down to zero. Being depressed helps, too
![]() And no, there are no orgasms that are too easy - whatever gift you are given in the form of your orgasms is just right for you. But if you truly want longer solo sex you may want to try condoms with an anesthetic which will prolong the time to your climax. |
#18
|
|||
|
|||
At 24 it is too early to call any decision permanent.
|
![]() costello, OneEmptyHeart
|
#19
|
||||
|
||||
That was pretty much my thought too.
__________________
"Hear me, my Chiefs! I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. From where the sun now stands I will fight no more forever."--Chief Joseph |
#20
|
|||
|
|||
Quote:
If you're by yourself there's no one to be disgusted or turned off by how you look. That's the main difference. And you're not going to get hurt in the process. I also have a hard time imagining someone giving me as good or better pleasure than I can give myself...apparently it happens though. Quote:
|
#21
|
|||
|
|||
OP, you are complaining that your orgasms come to you too easily. That is a typically male complaint. That is why I concluded that you are not a woman.
|
#22
|
||||
|
||||
Asexuals exist. They can have a drive, they can either like to play with themselves or dislike it. They can live alone or in a romantic relationship with another asxual. If you have no "reason" to be sickened by sex, maybe you simply are an asexual. It is not weirder than being bi- or homosexual.
|
#23
|
|||
|
|||
I know that, but I was interested in sex when I was younger. I really would like to be able to have a sexual relationship. I just know that isn't going to happen, so I have to get over that. That's what this about.
I feel like maybe I should delete this thread... |
![]() costello, hamster-bamster, kindachaotic
|
#24
|
|||
|
|||
I hope I don't get in trouble for resurrecting a thread, but one year later, I pretty much have the same problems.
I just want to stop thinking about sex every time my mind isn't completely occupied by something else. At this point, I'm pretty much destined to be celibate as medication have (luckily) destroyed my libido. But I don't know why it hasn't stopped me from constantly thinking about it. I can barely type this without those thoughts interfering. And what happens when I go off that medication because anti-depressants can't make me not depressed. I'm depressed because my career is stalled while I wait to go back to school and that I'm obsessed with sex and there's no way to satisfy, even temporarily. An orgasm I give to myself is so completely and meaningless, it might as well have never happen. |
#25
|
|||
|
|||
In my mind, you are doing yourself a HUGE DISSERVICE when you dismiss intimacy. When you say "Never love anyone or be loved", you realize how miserable that is right? I mean sorry if I come off as insensitive, only trying to help you out my friend. In my opinion, a human being needs to feel love to survive. Whether it be from his family, a partner, or himself. The latter being not so good. Don't you wish to have someone to share your thoughts with? To connect with and let in? I think this desire drives a lot of us. I know that I do not want to be alone in this world my whole life, that brings a *******ed tear to my eye just typing it. Love does not equal sex, in my opinion. Marriage is simply an agreement between you, your partner, faith (if this applies), and government. It has nothing to do with love.
Friends can help each other. A true friend is someone who lets you have total freedom to be yourself - and especially to feel. Or, not feel. Whatever you happen to be feeling at the moment is fine with them. That's what real love amounts to - letting a person be what he really is. Jim Morrison |
Reply |
|